I was living on a rollercoaster not too long ago....and it was going FAST! I had enough of being sick, so I simply decided to get off. Only, following through with it was a struggle. After leaving my cocaine-addicted boyfriend, life and dealing with the worries of his addiction and how he may have been doing seemed overwhelming, but I stuck with it, *with everything I had*, because I had a guarantee of knowing that staying with him and enabling wasn't doing a thing to make ANYONE feel better (including my family and friends who were so tired of seeing a once-motivated me turn into a lazy, sad, sorry wreck who hated life and all she saw, heard, talked or worried about was drugs and other related drama).

In the years previous to meeting my addicted boyfriend, I was a leader in most things I did, loved to keep busy, felt accomplished. I was my class Valedictorian, Student Council President, Miss Dance of Canada, a world traveller. I volunteered anywhere I could, I danced from my heart, did acrobatics, I would talk on my phone in ridiculous backbends and walk down the sidewalk on my hands just not to waste precious time to improve my skills. My family looked at me funny. The grass at the side of my house made a perfect substitution for tumbling mats, and a practical performace stage for my on-looking neighbors. I tap danced down the hallway of my house, the mall corridors (seriously!), the streets, and when I was sitting, my feet were still going. I travelled, worked my butt off at countless jobs, saved every cent I could. I had all my bills paid off before I ever got the statement in the mail. I had no debts. I wrote letters of thanks and appreciation to people and organizations for no occasion, and seemed to *have so much time* to do this! People wanted to be my friend. Kids loved to come to my dance classes. I would host overnight Brownie sleepovers at the gymnastics center for the kids where we would do dance combinations, beam and trampoline, order in pizza, do a craft, then watch a movie into the wee hours, until they would all fall asleep on the big mats in their sleeping bags, wake up the next morning to breakfast, and then scream to their parents about how much fun they had, begging to LIVE at the gym! I was making others happy. I was happy.

Gosh, now that I think about it, I was also Student Crimestoppers Representative for my entire region! Fighting crime like a superhero, hosting assemblies for a thousand students at a time. It seemed I didn't even know what drugs WERE....at the time we were only fighting things like violence, vandalism and theft!How did the last two years happen?? To me, this is still a mystery. How I could be dragged down as I was, to the point of not wanting to get out of bed, and doing exactly that... How I didn't know how to make decisions anymore, how I became so disorganized, so negative, to allow all of my hard earned savings go to someone else who used it for drugs while I stupidly believed it was being used to cover struggles with rent or bills, only to be contributing to his demise. How I was so naive to the fact that anyone around me ever even TOUCHED drugs. How my confusion drove all of my old friends to turn their backs on me, and new ones to run from me. Years ago I made my world around me such a positive one, that I forgot there was any bad that existed. I wasn't cautious and landed right in the middle of it. Sadly, it became me. I lost all my friends. I alienated myself from my family. I stopped training. I stopped teaching kids. I didn't lead a thing anymore. I couldn't even lead my own life it seemed. I heard more disturbing stories about drugs and experienced more drama than you could find between the pages of my newspaper. I spent a moment out of everyday emptying the pockets of worn clothes in the laundry only to accumulate hundreds of tiny little bags with a fine white residue inside. This became normal to me. So did the manipulation. I was lied to. I was used. I was thrown across a room like a ragdoll. Cut. Bruised. Screamed at from an inch away and told I was a B*TCH. I would leave, but was followed, chased, harrassed, called repeatedly. I would return. I was threatened. I looked at the ground everywhere I went. I felt lost. Wothless. Cheated. Life was garbage. I even thought to myself, "Why don't *I* just use cocaine too! Maybe THAT will make things better!"One seed of inspiration on the first of January of 2005 got me where I am today. I found it by surprise. Like it fell out of the sky. It was up to me to take that precious, tiny seed, being careful not to let it slip through my fingers, find a good soil and PLANT IT!My dad, who is my whole life, called me recently after seeing a book I finished writing with a member here about my experience with all of this, finished and bound on the kitchen table for him to see. He didn't even know I was writing it. Just saw me on the computer a whole lot. He told me in the proud, on-the-verge-of-tears voice I remember from so long ago saying, "I can't tell you how happy it makes me to see you so motivated again. It was so long ago you were this happy. You look and sound great and I am so proud of you. We are ALL proud of you. I was worried you were never coming back!".I still shake my head when I think about how it is only June. Four months of committedly working a program and being a member of CocaineHelp has revealed that old me. I never thought I would be able to look in the mirror again and SEE ME. I never thought I would live to write or tell about it. I have so long to go still, but I have no complaints. If I ever got to the point where I believed I was cured, I would have no reason for being an active member of this site or my program anymore, and I know this HAS to be a working progress in my life forever!! :-) I have had the blessed opportunity to meet one of my friends from this site, and I feel I have a bond with everyone here greater than any friends that have come and gone in my life. This year I will travel across the country, and I am going to a meeting in every city I visit. Others in the fellowship who are making an effort to change their lives for the better are a huge part of the reason for my drive for happiness. Strength breeds strength. I feel lucky that I have made a change in my life. I spend more time each day on this site and working my program/in the chat room/reading literature and posts than my cat sleeps! I can only have faith and pray that the boyfriend I love and miss so much is doing something to help himself out of his mess too. But that's all I can do for him now. It must be from within each of us to change.Thank you to everyone for listening with an open mind. If Bill W. was still around I would walk all the way to wherever he was (on my hands!) just to thank him for all he has created to improve the quality of life for all addicts and anons who desire a change.My HP gave me a tiny seed.I was the gardener.My home and my family were the soil.You all were the water.This site and my program helped me grow.As long as I keep coming back for that water daily I will keep growing.My tree will blossom.Someone can cut off a branch but I will grow a new one.I may lose fruit but someone else could pick it up and experience its sweetness, take the seeds and plant their own tree.I have again found a reason to get out of bed in the morning.I have a reason to live.So do ALL of us.Are you tending to your garden?