hey i can relate to what you r saying. my b/f is going thru the same things. and i wish he could just stop. he was clean for 6 months and started to hang around some people who were doing coke which then lead to him doing crack. now every 3 days like tonight he is out trying to score some. 3 nights ago he became really messed up and a friend came over before i got really hurt and i told him to get him out of the house. so he hasnt been back to the house since until tonight wanting me to take him for a ride so he could score. i was letting him do the crap in the house so i would have to worry about him out on the streets and getting into trouble but the paranoia from the crap was getting to much for me to handle with the accustions of me f*#!&*^$ around on him that i cant take the addication any more. i have found some places for my b/f to go to get help since he has told me he wants help but he isnt willing to hit his rock bottom yet to seek help. so tongiht i told him that he couldnt come back into the house doing that crap anymore. anyway he was keeping the crap a secreat from everyone except for me and the other night when i made him leave i called his mom who wants to put him into a rehab center. im confused on this cuz he has been clean on his own for 6 months prior. its like every 3 days he wants to score. i feel like he is putting this first before me and the bills. so i can understand what you r going thru from an addicts point of view. it only gets worse unless you totaly stop and i know its hard. My b/f said that his recovery would be very hard to stop. im just learning to understand that. but at the same time i cant control what he does but just give him insight on how the crack is destorying our lives and not only his. like tonight i want to go find him but i know that wont help him. hes got to help himself first and me telling him no that i would give him a ride to score might help him realize that i wont put up with him doing this to himself anymore. hes promise was that he would be good if i would give him a ride and let him spend the night so he oculd do the shit here in the house. But im tired of it. he scares the shit out of me anymore on the shit. i have my son to think about and he dont need to see this shit. i'm still his g/f and i could never leave him but...... there comes a time when someone says enough is enough. im seeking help thru na anon and this website has been awesome in my feelings and others feelings both non-addicts and recovery users. thanks to all who post on this site. i can see both points from both. i have made a few freinds on this site on how to deal with my feelings and what to expect next from my b/f and how much worse this is going to get. also i get e meetings from co anon which help me understand the 12 steps of recovery and have located a face to face meetings to attend. so im not sure if this post helps you or not but tonight i really just had to vent since my b/f isnt here with me and out doing the crap again. thanks to everyone.

I can understand where your coming from. I have started snorting at 16
and I have been doing on and off all these years. I'm turning 30 in a couple of days. Its getting worst. I'm trying to figure what to do. Keep yor head up.

I am just beginning to quit cocaine. I have lost MANY jobs because of this drug. And it hits home hard. You need to change. But you need to realize it for yourself. I have lost so much because of this drug, but I have plenty of life left. I have this goal to quit and i am gonna do it!!! It has been one week, but I  am starting to feel better as a person. I was tired of lieing to my family, friends, and ALMOST lost my relationship with my boyfriend due to OUR addictions. Just please look into meetings. There is PLENTY of support out there to help you stop, you just need to come clean.

God, your story sounds so familiar.  That is exactly how I got into a heavy habit about 5 or 6 years ago.  I have been doing coke off and on for years and years since I was 15 but a few years ago it was pretty bad, before I had my son and met my fiance.  I used to stay home alone and just do lines by myself all night long, going to work on no sleep, drinking Nyquil to get any bit of sleep that I could so that I could function at work for a few hours.  I would try to lay down and realize that I couldn't sleep and get up and do another one and another until it was 6 or 7 in the morning, hating myself.  I also tried to convince myself that I was OK and that I had it all under control, but it started out to be on the weekends and then it grew to every other day and sometimes every day.  As much as I hated what it was doing to me, I would continue with the same routine over and over.  It starts out so harmless and simple and then it becomes the most important thing in your life, above work, friends and family and most of all, yourself.  I considered myself a secret addict and until you start saying it out loud, you will always have that voice inside your head that tells you that you are just an "occassional" user.  Don't listen to that voice, it lies to you.  I am 32 years old right now and I almost lost my fiance and beautiful 11 month old son who is the light of my life when my fiance found out that I was using it again.  It is so frustrating because as much I hated doing it, I would love the thought of being alone and getting high on my own secret stash - it was my best friend.  I have only recently admitted to being an addict, it has only been a week, but I am already going to meetings and talking to a counselor.  Stay strong and continue to talk about, the longer I go without telling myself that I am an addict and need help, the stronger the addiction grows because the deeper I fall into denial.  I hold my son at night and just cry because I know how much he needs me, and how hard it is for me to fight this battle.  Even after I quit for two years, I decided to do it again...all it takes is one moment of weakness and you are right back where you started.  The addiction just waits for that moment to come back into your life for good.   The addiction is strong and you have to fight it every day.  My thoughts are with you - take control and face your problem before it gets worse with time.  I am doing the same