Every day my life continues trying to embrace normalcy. Wanting to live the life that I see for myself and I am constantly sucked back into the tornado of an addicts wife.
I have been to he|l and back and back again a number of times. My story at this point is disgusting, horrific, unimaginable.
Two weeks ago I left on a trip to Paris to see my daughter who is studying over there. She just turned seventeen years old and ha been there since early August. This was a trip I was supposed to take with my husband the addict. There was no way that I would go with him. First he is absolutely broke and secondly I was not going to risk going through customs with an addict nor the potential consequences of him being caught overseas. In addition, our relationship has deteriorated from husband and wife to human being trying to encourage the other human being to hang on because of history and once was.
Fortunately, I found a friend who would go with me and I had a fantastic time despite having to tell my daughter that her father was again in the gutter now progressed from coke to crack cocaine. It was by far the hardest thing I have had to do in my life. She was so full of hope and belief after he came out of rehab last May. Just like I was. Some how we believed that love and time could heal all wounds. The news was taken hard, but she is stronger than I could have imagined. We had a great time together.....laughing and living without the world of cocaine at our doorsteps. For the first time in a long time I felt alive again. Of course in this life that I live this magic cannot continue.....
I arrive home exhausted from travel to find my husband who I threw out in February sleeping on my couch. Seems he crashed his motorcycle while I was gone. Of course no license, no insurance, no registration. He dislocatd his shoulder and had to receive stitches in his hand. The next morning I told him that laying on my couch mooching was not going to work for me. I asked him to find some place else to go because quite honestly at this point despite how much I have loved him in the past I feel as though there will be only one survivor in this relationship. Every moment I spend with him I erode a little more. Another iece of me is lost. Another opportunity to find happiness and normalcy is gone.
He ased if he could borrow my car to get smokes. I let him for some Lord unknown reason. While he was getting smokes I see his suit case and pile of clothes that are laying in the middle of my livingroom and I see a tag for the UK on his bag. In February at the boat show he made aquaintance with some broad who he has been text messaging and she has also been doing so back voraciously. Last month I had $100 in international text messages which I paid in order to keep my credit. At this point I am living on one salary and fighting to hold on to pay my bills. I am working a second job and I was so pissed my extra efforts are going to pay for this trash. He begged for a second chance. My heart broke but on the other hand I had such a hard time with pushing him back into the gutter. From that point forward I no longer thought of myself as his wife. I was just so sad to see someone so ruined and I wanted him to get help. My first husband committed suicide and I struggle so much every day with the guilt I carry from that. I cannot even imagine what it will feel like to bury a second husband. Well I confronted him about this and he said he got to the airport and then did not go because he knew he was doing the wrong thing. Believeable...probably not but who knows. Luggage tags on the bag were for the flight to the UK only no return tags. I guess it does not even matter any more either way.
In all of this he called the rehab he was at last year. He said he wanted to go back to get help. But guess what while he is here laying on my couch watching TV without a care in the world I am seeing that he is not going to rehab. It is more BS talk so that he can sponge off me some more. Yesterday I had a meeting with a major utility company to take an advantage of a promotion with tv, cable, and the phone so that I can lower my bills which are harder and harder to pay. And they need a copy of my latest satellite bill. One of the people here is the father of one of my students. I see that the bill is full of charges for porn films. So here I am working two jobs struggling to pay my bills and he is laying on my couch adding to my bills with his arm in a sling.
Last night it all broke for me. I took him to his truck and told him good luck and that I could not take it any more. I gave him my blessing to pursue his life with drugs, with another woman, with sitting on a couch else where playing with himself. No matter how much I try to help him hang on to being a human being he is now an animal or even worse. He continues to rub my face into crap every opportunity he gets.
He told me that he was going to kill himself last night when I dropped him off. I could not offer him any more help, hope, anything. I can no longer respect myself for allowing this to go on at my own expense.
I thought before he had hit the bottom....now I realize that this bottom is endless---a black ?/|\ without end. I am no consequence to his life. All he cares about is himself period. My feelings, my love, even my friendship have be used and abused. He is more than an addict he is now living with a fried brain and is disgusting. I also realized at this point and on this course of life he is already dead. He just doesn't know it yet.
When he was saying how much physical pain he was in last night I realized I have been living in pain so long I barely remember what is normal and what is fun. My wounds are far worse than what he has and who is helping me? I realized I was not even helping myself.
So to all of you that struggle with addiction and have someone in your life this is the result of using. You anihilate the other person in your life. I have worked hard and sacrificed and at this point owe this total loser who is in massive debt about 100K. I don't want to give him ten cents let alone 100K. I also did not want to serve him with divorce papers at the lowest point of his life but I realize that the lowness has no bounds. To all the people who hold on to living with an addict this is the road it goes down.
I still hold on to humaness and love and I am confident I will find them again when I am healed and I am ready. This is not going to be a short road. But for all of you on the edge of the path read my story and then read it again. Please do not find yourself in the same place as me. It totally and completely SUCKS.
Ohhhh boy, Get your glasses out, and a refreshment to wet your whistle... I have a feeling this is going to be lengthy, so my apologies in advance...
I have been waiting to hear from you,
hoping that your trip offered you time
to regroup with a little added strength
to face what you have been dealing with
for so long already.
I am sorry to hear that things were in
such a bad state when you returned.
I am glad however that you did get an
opportunity to enjoy time with your
daughter although I am sure it was
bittersweet.
It gets to a point that you can leave
nothing to trust, and that if you leave
anything to chance, regrets will soon
follow.
I know the position that you are in right
now, and all I can say is cover all your
basis, and keep them covered.
If you have not already, you may want to
consider changing the locks on your doors.
Secure any and all bank accounts, closing
existing accounts and opening new ones.
Quote:
Last month I had $100 in international text messages which I paid in order to keep my credit
I assume that the phone account is in your name since you paid it to protect your credit. You may want to consider cancelling the account to avoid a repeat of the same in the future.
As far as him threatening suicide. I am pretty certain that if he verbally threatens suicide that you can report it ti the local authorities. Your statement would allow them to locate him and hold him for 72 hours in which they could mandate a psychiatric evaluation. They could then direct him to resources that may help him address his addiction. If they determine that he is in danger of causing harm ro himself, they could further direct him to available resources . I think it is wise never to take threats such as suicide lightly, if they are not serious they will soon know the consequences of “crying wolf” to manipulate a situation. If they are serious, you could be the only person that has the power to get them the help they need at finding a different solution.
I am not far from the point where you are now with my loved one. Promises of rehab, but he keeps pushing the envelope to leaving his drug long enough to get there. Like you, I allowed him to stay here, which turned into it allowed him to continue working to have all money spent and used up before he came in for the night. The day that he was scheduled to show up at rehab, he came across a job he needed to do first to be able to afford the trip, plus items that he needed to take with him like cigarettes, etc. Needless to say that the pay from that job went for something to smoke, but it was not cigarettes. His eyes to the floor when he returned ready to go to rehab, but at my expense because he had no money , no gas, and last but not least no cigarettes. I could have footed the bill just to get him there, but I figure that it would have been a three day turn around kind of thing like he has done in the past and I refuse to contribute to the cat and mouse game with rehab at this point. I am sure that he was not too shocked as I have not been allowing him to bump so much as a cigarette from me for weeks now. I simply tell him that he makes far more money then I ever dreamed of bring home, and I find it ironic that he would be looking at me to support his habit. Yesterday, I warned him that I was not up to the task of revisiting roads traveled with him in the past, and today I requested that he leave.
Quote:
I thought before he had hit the bottom....now I realize that this bottom is endless---a black ?/|\ without end. I am no consequence to his life. All he cares about is himself period. My feelings, my love, even my friendship have be used and abused. He is more than an addict he is now living with a fried brain and is disgusting. I also realized at this point and on this course of life he is already dead. He just doesn't know it yet.
Your not the only one that feels like this. I feel like I have just sent a five year old child out in the streets who is lacking the ability of having any type of judgement, or desire to look after himself. I feel bad, but the alternative is to live his addiction with him, and at this point I just can't. He is once again out of control, he knows it, but is unwilling to do anything about it. He is not at this point willing to help himself, and the pull of his need to use far out weighs any reason to stop. Logic just simply does not apply here in any measure, consequences, nor cause and effect don’t even register at this point. He is in a no win situation as long as he remains willing to continue using, and that is exactly where I would be if I allow him to manipulate me as you say because of the “history that once was.”
Today I am ambitious with my work that keeps me and my family afloat through tough times. I am still raising my youngest, Jordan. He deserves my energy and attention, not to be distracted
by things that are not within my power to change.
I know the long road you are on, I have traveled it for far too long myself. I have been to the place where his addiction has succeeded in making me physically and emotionally unhealthy.
Today I am focused on keeping my health that I have struggle so hard to fight for in spite of the many obstacles that have been set before me. Today, I am choosing ME, I am choosing life.
Thank you for responding. Suppose that some folks might think I am callous and unfeeling. In some ways I feel as though I am. I cannot help but feel as though I did not do enough to help save my husband. Anger has gotten in the way for sure. I understand that my husband is an addict, but I feel as though I keep hopping on a roller coaster KNOWING what the result will be---falling out and becoming bruised and damaged all over again.
The night before I left to see my daughter my husband showed up over here. He said that he had no slept for two days because he was forced to stay with a friend who was still partying. The only reason why I listened to him is because he spoke to me candidly. He spoke about his own awareness of how messed up his life is and how much he wants to be on the other side of addiction. He spoke about going to rehab to gain strength to get his life back. He sat here crying and my heart poured out for him. I believed him again....thought he had finally reached a place where he could ask for help again. We spoke about our relationship and I told him quite honestly that our relationship as husband and wife was in serious jeopardy. I told him that I had removed myself from that thinking and was trying to be a kind human being at a point that there was no one else around. I told him that I would help him as best as I could while he waited for a bed to open at rehab.
In the morning I left for work and gave him a hug just so he too could feel like a human being while I thought he was at the lowest of the low. After work I went to the airport and after checking in sat outside crying feeling awful leaving him in such a horrible mental place. I called a few members of his family as well as a good friend of mine who is a doctor. I intended to leave him with some support and for him to know that people genuinely cared about him and that there WAS life on the other side. The last thing that I did before getting on the plane was to tell my husband that he should be good to himself because he was worth it and he deserved it. I told him to hang on to that if there wan nothing else to hang on to.
There is no question that I enjoyed my time with my daughter. I have not seen her since August and for the first time in years I was laughing and forgetting the tornado of addiction that continues to plow through my life. I felt alive for the first time in so long. Genuinely enjoying things instead of looking over my shoulder waiting for the next bomb to fall.
I feel ashamed at this point that I am surprised at what I came home to. I feel disappointed in myself that I continued to hope and believe because the price that both my daughter and I are paying are enormous. I would be lying if I said I am stuggling not to call him KNOWING what I already know and LIVING through what I have already lived. I am praying that this will all get easier. I just can't take any more.
As far as some of the questions you ask. The bills, for better or worse are all in my name. His credit has been poor for a long time and when we move the last time he was a liability when it came to opening up accounts. He has had several credit cards which have gone unpaid and business accounts that are probably still unpaid. After cleaning up a $50,000 mess I told him that I was not going to revisit any more of those debts. As far as continuing to try to find help, because I am the only person who might be able to help him if he is serious about suicide I just don't think that there is any more to give. I cannot help but feel that he will ultimatley need some place to go and his burden of addicition will continue to reside here with us. I keep telling myself that the only person who can help him is him. I have tried to help taking wound after wound until I feel as though I am a piece of swiss cheese.
Despite his removal from my home, I feel as tough I am still in the tornado. Despite the emotional wounds and bruising part of me is still sick worrying about my husband. Right now, I have no idea where he is and even if he is alive or dead. I am a professional person and have only confided with one person at work who was shocked to learn of my reality or is it my dilusions at this point? When the words tumbled out of my mouth I was mortified about where I am in this world. In my case I feel as though the truth is worse that the lies it takes to keep things under cover. This seems like a bad dream from which I do not wake up from.
I sit here at 40 years old, trying to take baby steps down a path that is still filled with fog. I don't know when the next blow is going to hit and my addict is going to resurface. I vacilitate between feeling relieved and feeling sick. I am not as sick about the relationship ending as I am sick about watching a human being withering into nothingness. Watching some one who is so talented wasting every second of their talent. Watching a person refusing to live.
I hope that things are getting better for you. Even hearing that someone has gotten past all of this gives me hope. Right now, I need hope more than ever. My rational mind says that the baby steps I am taking are propelling me forward to a better place but the bags I am still carrying seem like they are going to be on my shoulders for the rest of my life.
Baby steps will get you there, and the baggage that you are carrying will be burdens that you will forgive and release in time.
The truth is better then a lie, lies take so much negative energy to maintain. For every lie there are additional lies that follow the original lie, and there you are trapped in a cycle of a different kind. I don't see the need to share your personal struggles with everyone, but a few close people that genuinely care about you, and can support you through what you are through.
It does get better, but you have to allow yourself time to grieve everything that you feel you have lost, and that takes time.
Glad to be hearing from you again ... please keep us posted, and know that I am here wishing you the best ....
Stength and Peace,
Michelle
_________________ Positives create better results then Negatives
I pray that you both find the happiness you deserve - I don't find you callous at all ASadWife, my heart goes out to you. I was on his side of the fence more than a few days ago - I thank you for sharing your experience and hope it will help others in similar circumstances. It has helped me - I don't want to go back there again.
Thank you for your kindness and humanity. When I pour out my story and come here finding that both you and Michelle took the time to respond it is like landing in a feather bed. Right now I need those kind words, your empathy, your prayers, and your support more than you can ever know. These are the elements I am holding on to for survival in this fight to regain my life.
Here, is the one place I hope to continue to land on feathers. A few of my friends really understand where I am and what I am going through. Others, as hard as they try do not and wind up doing more damage than good. And truth be told I am terrified everytime the phone rings because I am scared it is going to be somebody telling me that my husband is dead. I have no idea where he is and if he is in rehab I have no way of learning anything for at least a month.
Some posts I have read on here have been very in your face saying just walk away and quit enabling, etc. if you know what you are living in, but don't you see that the effects of the addiction still grip you even if you have walked away? The wife of an addict does not have any control no matter how hard she fights and how hard she tries to be strong. If you were standing in my shoes, not knowing squat, how do you just erase it all from your mind, heart, and soul?
but don't you see that the effects of the addiction still grip you even if you have walked away? The wife of an addict does not have any control no matter how hard she fights and how hard she tries to be strong.
This is true but if you considtrate on looking after you and your needs than u can better deal with all the crap that comes along with loving a addict.My heart goes out too you ,reading your story I could feel your pain.I hope that your husband seeks help and comes to realize what a treasure he has in you.
Hugs Diane
Keep posting and sharing here. There is nothing easy about what you are experiencing with your husband and I think we all understand that the place you are in right now leaves you no choice but to move forward as best as you can. If babyseteps is what it takes, then it is babysteps that will get you there. That does not prevent you from offering your husband positive input and encouragement when the opportunity is present. Hold to the boundaries that you set for yourself, but you can still continue to be supportive in a positive way.
Many people refer to the limits and boundaries that we set as "tough love", which is often necessary to keep the situation from totally taking over everyone that is involved. This approach can minimize the damage that we can suffer from a loved when when addiction is out of control. It can additionally help a loved one to see the adverse effects that the addiction is creating, and hopefully a need to want to begin helping themselves to a better place in this life. Overlooking, or enabling these issues helps no one.
In my point of view, "tough love" is not intended to hurt, or belittle our loved ones, it is a means of damage control, and bring forward the reality of the situation. It is moving forward, and taking control of things that we have the power to control that effect us, and to a degree an attempt to bring that reality to the person that we love and are concerned about. If we move forward with an understanding that we have done the best we are capable of in our loved ones behalf, I think we have to realize and accept we have done our best with the things we have had the power to control.
The pain and sadness of watching someone we love destroy themselves in the name of addiction, does not disappear, but can become more managable with time. Understanding and accepting that the want and willingness for sobriety must come from the person that is suffering from the addiction is a huge factor in our ability to continue moving forward, realizing the reality of our situation, which is an addiction that is not ours to control.
Kelly, I don't think that you are callous. or unfeeling at all. I can hear the pain in your words as well, and I know that you are worried that you may come accross that way to others as well as your husband. Seriously consider what your choices are, and you will hopefully realize that the alternative is to continue living his addiction with him. Allowing his addiction to take contol of every facet of your life, and more if you are willing to sacrafice it.
No different then with the addict that is working his/her way to sobriety. One day at a time, no instant cure, making adjustments within ourselves, for ourselves as you feel that it is necessary to make the best of a tragic and horrific situation. Give yourself the credit you are due by realizing that your options at this point are limited to say the least.
I feel that you are strong and that you have are dealing with the situation as best that you can. Take a breath and do something nice for yourself today, no matter how small. It is a slow process, but one that you can work on a little bit each day to try to bring some type of normal existance back into your life as best you can...
In Strength and Peace,
Michelle
Last edited by pause4poetry on May 01, 2008 - 10:04 PM; edited 1 time in total
Suppose that some folks might think I am callous and unfeeling. In some ways I feel as though I am. I cannot help but feel as though I did not do enough to help save my husband.
yes, some might, particularly those who have no personal understanding of the dynamics involved in dealing with an addict, especially an addict whom you love. and then more addicts (those, still in denial) than non-addicts would view your behaviour as callous and unfeeling because you represent the very roadblock which is an annoyance to the pursuit of their addiction.
as an addict myself, i commend you for taking all the steps you have so far and can totally sympathize with you as to how difficult it must be in trying to separate the image of your husband from the addict.
as michelle can so clearly point out today:
Quote:
The truth is better then a lie, lies take so much negative energy to maintain. For every lie there are additional lies that follow the original lie, and there you are trapped in a cycle of a different kind.
Quote:
I am not as sick about the relationship ending as I am sick about watching a human being withering into nothingness. Watching some one who is so talented wasting every second of their talent. Watching a person refusing to live.
and this is always such a slow and relentless drama which is quarenteed to bring the viewer nothing but tears, heartache and a feeling of numbness and isolation, so long as they continue to hold out for happy endings which are so few and even further between.
as michelle can attest to, as well as others, intermissions do occur, but seldom do they last. you can never really trust or hope that an addict will remain sober for the rest of their life. a few do, but more than a few don't.
Quote:
but don't you see that the effects of the addiction still grip you even if you have walked away?
just as the effects of the addiction still grip the addict after they have quit
Quote:
The wife of an addict does not have any control no matter how hard she fights and how hard she tries to be strong.
you do have control kelly and you do have the strength. you just need to be surrounded by and living in an environment that supports and nurtures those attributes.
flaggin
_________________ I can embrace myself, hold my own hand, love me - but, I can't gaze into my own eyes and feel my own soul lift me up.
Words cannot express my gratitude for your kind words. I know that you all are carrying around your own stuff yet you all take the time to offer your wisdom and experiences to others, namely me in this case. Your words are like a life line. I read them as soon as I came home from work today and the tears just rolled down my face. These words here are like treasures to me. Something that I can hold on to at a time I feel as though I have very little left to hold on to. They give me hope and genuine relief at being understood at the very base of what I am feeling. Feeling is a gift. One that I never really understood until uninvited addiction came into my life. Because I have been in the boat trying not to feel right along with my husband the addict. Facing the truth and all the feelings that follow become ever so painful. I appreciate the opportunity to be heard, genuinely heard, and not to be judged. You guys are the best. I wish each of you strength, happiness, resolve, and most of all PEACE no matter what place you find yourself in on this path of addiction. No doubt we will all be on this road for a long time. I pray for a gentle path for all.
Thank you for your kindness and humanity. When I pour out my story and come here finding that both you and Michelle took the time to respond it is like landing in a feather bed. Right now I need those kind words, your empathy, your prayers, and your support more than you can ever know. These are the elements I am holding on to for survival in this fight to regain my life.
Kelly
Prayers I can and will gladly do. Have you thought about attending a support group for yourself? My wife joined alanon and it helps her tremendously. I really don't know what your support base is like, but I always find it nice when I am down that I know there is a place where I can find a shoulder to lean on. It was just a thought.Feel free to use us as your landing spot whenever you need to - no shame here!
Keeping you in my prayers here as well. What your going through is a huge adjustment. I know as I am dealing with the pretty much the same thing right now. I am just thankful that we all have each other, and a willingness to help and share in ways that we can benefit each other.
You have been a great support to me as well. Your post help keep me in touch with myself, and the long road that I have traveled with my own loved one's addiction. Reminders that are necessary for me to keep myself on the right track.
This site is amazing, and so are so many of the members here, yourself included ....
as always...
in Strength and Peace,
Michelle
_________________ Positives create better results then Negatives
I think it is wise never to take threats such as suicide lightly, if they are not serious they will soon know the consequences of “crying wolf” to manipulate a situation. If they are serious, you could be the only person that has the power to get them the help they need at finding a different solution.
What consequences would that be?
LOL...desperate times call for desperate measures...
desperate people will go to desperate lengths,
just to retain an ounce of sympathy, leeway or control.
Addicts can manipulate, manipulation.
pause4poetry wrote:
I am not far from the point where you are now with my loved one.
I feel like I have just sent a five year old child out in the streets who is lacking the ability of having any type of judgement, or desire to look after himself. I feel bad, but the alternative is to live his addiction with him, and at this point I just can't. He is once again out of control, he knows it, but is unwilling to do anything about it. He is not at this point willing to help himself, and the pull of his need to use far out weighs any reason to stop.
Logic just simply does not apply here in any measure,
consequences, nor cause and effect don’t even register at this point.
He is in a no win situation as long as he remains willing to continue using, and that is exactly where I would be if I allow him to manipulate me as you say because of the “history that once was.”
Oye vay...you got that right girlfriend...
Logic just simply does not apply here in any measure,
consequences, nor cause and effect don’t even register at this point.
And, I'm not talking about Darell either!
pause4poetry wrote:
Baby steps will get you there, and the baggage that you are carrying
will be burdens that you will forgive and release in time.
BULLSH!T...not if she takes the baby steps you do.
First of all, she's married and you're not.
Your baby steps take you around in circles,
instead of walking you forward.
Your baby steps have you dealing with it better,
instead of adjusting to what is best.
Second of all, taking baby steps as you begin moving forward with your life,
because you are adjusting to letting go of someone you love...
slowly easing your burden, over time,
from the baggage you had been carrying.
And...
taking baby steps to finally let go of someone you love,
so you could begin to move forward with your life already...
instead of adding to the baggage you're already burdened with,
because you have spent so much time refusing to release it...
ARE TWO TOTALLY DIFFERENT THINGS!
You take baby steps while adjusting...not to prolong adjusting
Kelly, I'm sorry for the latest saga with your husbands addiction,
but, I think you should invest more time,
to see if he'll embrace recovery & sobriety.
If you wasted so many years being in the dark about his addiction,
don't you think it's worth it to invest more then a year,
on recovery & sobriety, now that you see what you're dealing with?
Peace, Love & Strength,
Lynn
_________________ Does your train of thought have a caboose?
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