First time posting but, i feel like i need help.

darkdesires · Newbie

I want to say I have been reading this forum for a while,and it has been really helpful. I finally am breaking down and posting because i am scared.

To make a long story short:
I am 42 year old single mom with a 11 year old daughter.I met a guy last summer who smoked crack. I had never even seen crack, finally by october I started smoking it,we smoked it almost everyday for 6 months.All the time my fears and hatred of what i was doing and risking getting worse and worse but each time i said i aint smoking this *censored sh_t no more, i always would.

Finally on march 1st i had a wakeup call when the police searched my house twice in three day because someone told them I was dealing,which i was not. They did not find a thing in my house but it made me realize very drastically just how stupid i had been and how close I had come to loosing everything I had ( i live in government housing and it would of meant immediate eviction, I would of lost my daughter who i love more then anything.

As of now i have been clean since march first. Here is my problem:
I am having a heck of a time not giving in and using again.I even have dreams about getting high. And it is really scaring me badly how much this is preying on me each day lately.

I love video games, so i try to distract myself by playing them alot. I do not have a job, can't change my place i live. So i first tried to just isolate myself from people in my neighborhood that i used to use with. But, eventually you get to be friends again,and the old desires start seeping back in.

I am still with my boyfriend but he dont use around me anymore. Thing is he still uses, and honestly after thinking bout it, I think i am jealous that he does and i don't. How sad is that...He does not use around me, but, the thought is always there that if i really wanted to I could get him to get us some dope.

I have had to really struggle to just not say eh i am bored and go get high. I know it is stupid. It was stupid of me to risk loosing my car <here they are automatically impounded if your caught with drugs in them>. It is stupid risking my freedom , my home, my child. And most of all taking away what self respect i have managed to get back a ounce at a time.

But, none of that really seems to deter the thoughts in my head.
I don't know if it matters or not, but i am Bipolar and have social anxiety disorders.I do not take any kind of drugs, because weirdly enough i do not like the side effects.And i really hate pills.
I really rarely drink either,more so in the summer but even then not more then probably a case of beer all summer.

Crack is the only drug I really ever just loved. I loved not being trapped by being stoned for hours like I would be if i smoked pot or drank.

I am not in any programs for addiction, my therapist wanted me to join one but i did not want to be commited to staying in this town and going to one every day for 3 months because this time of year is when I go away more.

Is it going to take my life being totaly destroyed before i am able to completely forget this drug?

Does it ever get better?

I really have no one to talk to around here that really understands. They use the term crackhead really derogatively in this neighborhood, but at same time, those same people would be amazed to know many of us used it here.

I try to remember all the bad parts of doing it.
All the negatives.But over time they seem to fade away alot faster then the good parts.

I have never been arrested in my life. Yet i have come so close to it in those 6 months it was not even funny.Like the day we had a 8 ball on us and got stoped by the cops for a seat belt violation of the bf. Luckily he did not see his open container and did not search us or the car but it scared me to death. I know how it would devastate my family. Yet, even though it made me hate myself, a few hours later I was going out for more crack.
It was like a dangerous game..

I have learned that i can not say i won't use tommorow that i only can say that I wont use today because crack makes me a liar if i promise to much.

So taking it one day at a time has worked so far, But, i am so close to being stupid and giving in I can feel it.
And I am fighting it hard as i can, but it scares me.

The crack tells me doing it once more wouldnt be bad, because after all everyone relapses eventually. But for me, i know it will drag me down fast again.

When i smoke it, I cant just do a little, I have to smoke it and get more and more til all the money I have is gone with no hope of getting more .I know I can not do it in moderation...
Please share some of the ways you use to deal with this.My own ideas are not working so well right now. I guess i want it to be easier then it is. I am managing to do it,but barely. I am just a mood away from ruining it all.

pause4poetry · Moderator

I am not sure I am the right person to be responding to your post right now, but I am going to attemp to do so anyway.

I am not an addict, I have never used coke, or crack. I can only share with you my point of view as I have seen it with my loved one in addiction, or what I have learned from my time as a member on this site.

First, I want to congratulate you on your time clean, 60 days to date!!!!
Be proud of the accomplishment of your sobriety. Embrace each and everyday that you remain sober, guard it, protect it, and continue to work for it every day that follows.

My loved one was clean and sober for approximately a year. He chose to use, and I can tell you that he is soon traveling at lightening speed back to the depths of addiction, which surprisingly did not take his life through round number one.

Your situation is difficult because you have a partner that continues to use. No doubt that increases the difficultly for you to continue to make good choices to maintain your sobriety.

At some point you need to focus and adhere to everything that you can possibly do to stay sober.

Avoid falling back into friendships with people that use, doing so is just opening the door to act on any temptation that is present. Putting yourself in a position of feeling like "odd man/woman out" is only setting yourself up for disaster.

I understand that it does get better with time, but one breach of commitment, or determination to remain sober can risk what you have worked so hard to achieve. Don't allow that to happen. One willingness to use can find you making up for time with the pipe and throw you right back to the place that you fear being.

When you feel weak, think of your daughter and all that is possible if you begin to once again loose yourself to your addiction. Think about all the risk that parallel addiction, and how she would be effected. The health risk to yourself, who would be there for your daughter? Legal consequences upon yourself for possesion of an illegal substance, what about your daughter?

Make a list if you feel it would be helpful, listing all the reasons you feel it is important NOT to use. Keep the list handy and include a picture of your daughter if you feel it would have an impact on you to look at the person that is depending on you to provide her a healthy, secure upbringing.

If there are resources available to you that can help you address your addiction and support your commitment to staying sober, don't dismiss them when you can admit the struggle is about to get the best of you, utilize them to strengthen your commitment to remain sober. Consider it an investment for yourself and your daughter for the chance of having a worthy future for both of you.

I admire you for what you have been able to accomplish thus far on your own, but hope that you will look at seriously distancing yourself from high risk areas that leave the door open to active addiction for you.

You have found a good place for support and information. Keep reading and sharing with people that are experiencing the hardships of addiction, and addiction related issues.

Stay focused on your sobriety as you said, one day at at time. Living in active addiction is not living,it is as destructive as it is painful, and unforgiving, it is death in slow motion... eventually it all catches up with you and the damage can not be undone. Choose life !

Wishing you Strength and Peace,

Michelle

Don't hesitate to set boundaries for yourself and your loved one that protect YOU.

rick_h · 12 step Recruit

Hi Dark desires,

WOW - 60 days on your own - thats amazing. I doubt I would have been able to do it that way. I don't know what will work for you, you will have to do as we all did and try things until you find what works and what doesn't. For me NA and AA meetings were my source of support. I attribute my past 653 days clean to them. For me it wasn't as much about quitting using as it was about getting down to why I used. These fellowships not only gave me my life back, they gave me a better one (one where I actually like myself)

Just so you know - when they say 90 meeting in 90 days - its not a rule - its a suggestion - and with these fellowships you can move around and find a meeting almost anywhere.

I wish you the best!

Rick_H

darkdesires · Newbie

Wow 653 days is awesome. I feel much better today, going to church always helps and it seems further away i get from Lord more i get to thinking of doing stuff.

I had alot of weird things happen today:A friend who i was really close to and used with, we had a falling out 2 months ago over drugs.

We finally started talking again, and turns out we both have started going to church and both been changing our lives, which i felt really excited to learn! Tonight my daughter had went to another church then us I went with this friend , i get home and she tells me about a child whose mother left her kid for 4 weeks because she was doing drugs. It just totaly floored me, me and my child never discuss drugs . I asked her what she thought about it and she said she thought she was a bad mommy to do that. Just another notch to remind me ,what is at stake, and who i got to keep first in my life.