Do I stay or go??

Susieq24 · Resident

First I want to thank everyone who has shared their story.. I've learned so much already, but still feel lost.
Here's my story.. any words of wisdom would be very much appreciated.

I met this man 1 year ago. We instantly fell head over heals in love with each other. He seemed like the perfect man, everything i've been waiting and looking for. I had been divorced for 4 years, and just kept busy raising my little boy. I wasn't even looking for love... raising my little boy, working full time and owning a home kept me very busy. Either way, I met this wonderful man through some mutual friends. The first night I spent at his house, I took a zanex to help me relax cause I was a little nervous, I woke up to him being gone. I went home and called his cell phone. He said he had fishing plans he forgot about, and to never take zanex infront of him again. That immediately told me he had a pill problem. So i never took anything infront of him again. A few months into our relationship I fould out (after being stood up for a date) that he was on a 3 day coke binge. He came to me and told me that he has an alcohol problem and that leads him to coke. So he stopped drinking completely. And i don't drink, so not drinking wasn't an issue for me. A short time after he told me he had the flu. I brought him soup and medicine, but he just wanted to sleep it off, so I left him alone. I later found out he wasn't sick, he was doing cocaine again. He used the "flu" excuse 2-3 times. I finally had enough and left him right after Thanksgiving, but my love for him pulled me right back to him in February. I missed him so much. Things seemed perfect. He was doing great. No signs of drug use. Our relationship was really going well until last week. He told me he had the flu, and I almost bought it, but deep down I knew better. And sure enough, the next day he came over and told me the truth. That he had been using again. But it's not zanex, not alcohol, not cocaine, he's smoking crack. That is his drug of choice, but apparently anything mind altering will lead him to that, so he has to live a completely sober life. Seems like he's addicted to everything!
My question is should I stay or should I go??? I have a little boy that is my top priority and my boyfriends past isn't looking too positive. But I hate to leave him and find out he's doing wonderful and sober and I missed out on what could've been the greatest love of my life.
Any advice??

lilbubba49 · Devoted

Get out while u can,Its not like u have alot invested in the relationship,I would say pack it in while u still have your house,job and the welfare is not on your back about dating a addict because u have a little boy.Sorry to sound so harsh but it is for your own good could save u alot of heartake down the road.
Hugs Diane

rick_h · 12 step Recruit

Well Susie the choice is yours, anything can happen - this could go either way. I don't know what he's doing to stay clean if he's doing it himself or if he is going to any type of support group like NA or AA. If he apples himself to the program he might make it or he might not - are you prepared to love him either way. It sounds like he might want to really get clean but you can never tell if an addict is just playing the game either.

keepitreal · Helping Hand IV

Susieq24 wrote:

My question is should I stay or should I go???
I have a little boy that is my top priority

If your son was your top priority,
you wouldn't even have to ask!

Susieq24 wrote:

my boyfriends past isn't looking too positive.
But I hate to leave him and find out he's doing wonderful and sober
and I missed out on what could've been the greatest love of my life.

This just goes to show, you're only thinking of yourself.

Who cares if he gets his sh!t together eventually....
he doesn't have his sh!t together now!

Susieq24 · Resident

Thanks for everyone's reply. Lynn you're definitely a little harsh (as I've learned from other forums), but you make real good points. I realize i'm being a little selfish, and i don't mean to be...but i love him. He is going to church, a counselor and NA meetings, so it sounds like he's doing everything he can to beat this addiction.. But you still never know.. And it seems like the risks are huge.
After doing a lot of thinking last night, and a lot of crying, I've decided to slowly begin detaching myself from him. It's probably best for everyone involved. I'll be able to give my son 100% of my attention, which he deserves, and my ex (I guess i should call him now) will be able to concentrate on getting himself better. Inside I'll be hurting, but it can't be much worse than the confusion and worrying and questioning that I'm dealing with now. It all makes me sick to my stomach... Last night I could hardly breathe... Just another failed attempt at love...

keepitreal · Helping Hand IV

Susieq24 wrote:

Lynn you're definitely a little harsh (as I've learned from other forums)

The reality of addiction is harsh.

Susieq24 wrote:

I realize i'm being a little selfish, and i don't mean to be...

I'm sure you don't...and quite frankly,
your above statement surprised me, to say the least.

Susieq24 wrote:

but i love him.

Yea, and....
What's love got to do with it?

Susieq24 wrote:

He is going to church, a counselor and NA meetings,
so it sounds like he's doing everything he can to beat this addiction..
But you still never know.. And it seems like the risks are huge.

It seems like the risks are huge...
The risks are far greater then you'd care to find out.

He can go to church every day,
attend counseling sessions 7 days a week,
and spend all his free time in between at NA meetings,
and, none of that will matter or make a difference,
if he is not willing to stay clean and say no to drugs.

Susieq24 wrote:

Just another failed attempt at love...

Just another bozo that you are unable to,
build a loving and lasting relationship with.

You didn't fail at love,
you failed to find someone worthy of loving.

Susieq24 · Resident

Here I am again... hoping to figure out an answer, hoping to figure out what to do, hoping to do what's right... It's a real pain in the *censored ( | )! It's been a little over 1 week since his last crack binge, and he sounds and looks like he's doing wonderful. He's going to a mental health couselor and NA meetings, he's reading books on addiction and recovery, and also going to church. Everything seems to be on the right track, but i'd be lying if I said that I wasn't still walking on egg shells. I want to be able to believe him, trust him, have faith in him, but it's SOOOO hard!
On top of struggling with the questions in my own mind, I'm now having to argue with his best friend. After his binge, his best friend came to my house and asked me never to see him again. He said that our relationship was a stressor that needed to be removed from his life so he can concentrate on getting better. He told me that the addiction is worse than I thought and it would be best if I just go away.
I listened to his advice and I respected his opinion. He left and I spendt the entire last week wondering what the he|l to do. Abandon the one I love, or stick it out and try to help him.
Well apparently his friend found out he was still with me. Next thing you know, I'm getting a nasty text message asking why I didn't take his advice and get lost. He claims that his family, friends and drug couselors all feel the same way.
I told my boyfriend about the text message and he said to let it go. That he's not in our relationship.
I'd like to let it go, but what if what his friend is saying is the truth. What if no one wants me around- What if they are placing the blame on me.... I'll never really know because I don't talk to anyone in his family, or his friends or his couselors. I'M IN THE DARK.
I've been nothing but honest, supporting and loving to him. My house is clean with no drugs anywhere ever to be allowed. And he says he loves me sooo much and that we are meant to be together. Well then why would his friend want to put him through the pain of losing this love.

rick_h · 12 step Recruit

Welcome to the world of addiction - you better get used to walking on eggshells or just accepting that whatever happens - happens. He might make it this time - or he might be out using right now. The point is you have NO Conrol over that. I have been clean almost 2 years and my wife still has trust issues - I spent 12 years leaving a trail of destruction in my wake - should either od us expect it to be behind us so soon. If you choose to stay in this expect to have to do some work - there's no Miracle cure- just lots of work - and PATIENCE. All you can do is wait and see - or leave. If you are going to stay you might want to consider joining al-anon or nar-anon - if my wife wasn't a member there is no way I'd have stayed with her and stayed clean.

Susieq24 · Resident

Thanks Rick for your reply. Trust is a big factor.... it sure can make or break any relationship. I will take your advice and look for a nar-anon class to attend. Congratulations on 2 years sober! Thanks awesome! And you must have a super strong wife standing by your side, hats off to her as well!

keepitreal · Helping Hand IV

Susieq24 wrote:

Here I am again... hoping to figure out an answer, hoping to figure out what to do, hoping to do what's right...

The only thing you should be hoping to figure out is...

HOW TO PULL YOUR D*MN HEAD
OUT OF YOUR A$S ALREADY

What is so d*mn hard to figure out?

Hmmm, single mom...drug addict boyfriend...365 days...
stay...break it off...WHERE'S THE DILEMMA?

Susieq24 wrote:

his best friend came to my house and asked me never to see him again.

He said that our relationship was a stressor
that needed to be removed from his life so he can concentrate on getting better.

He told me that the addiction is worse than I thought
and it would be best if I just go away.

You know, if this wasn't so pathetic,
I would probably find it to be funny.

Susieq24 wrote:

Well apparently his friend found out he was still with me. Next thing you know, I'm getting a nasty text message asking why I didn't take his advice and get lost. He claims that his family, friends and drug couselors all feel the same way.
I told my boyfriend about the text message and he said to let it go.
I'd like to let it go, but what if what his friend is saying is the truth. What if no one wants me around- What if they are placing the blame on me.... I'll never really know because I don't talk to anyone in his family, or his friends or his couselors. I'M IN THE DARK.

THEN REPLACE THE LIGHTBULB THAT IS OBVIOUSLY BURNED OUT UPSTAIRS

They are blaming you...
Now...why do you suppose people that you've never even met,
let alone, have even spoken to before, would feel that you are to blame?

Hmmmm, maybe your boyfriend has been attributing you to the reasons,
as to why he's been having a hard time staying clean lately,
when he's telling his boo hoo stories to those who are on his case for using again.

Susieq24 · Resident

Wow Lynn.... you sure are a hard pill to swollow sometimes! But I greatly appreciate your honesty. Sometimes a good slap in the face is what we need at times!
What you say makes good sense, and i'm sure what you're telling me comes from someone with knowledge and experience.
Thank you for shedding some light on me

keepitreal · Helping Hand IV

Susieq24 wrote:

What you say makes good sense, and i'm sure
what you're telling me comes from someone with knowledge and experience.

Yes dear...it makes perfect sense!
And yes...been there, done that.

Susieq24 wrote:

Thank you for shedding some light on me

You're Welcome!

Look, I'm sure it's nice having someone since the divorce but,
girlfriend, come on, you and your child deserve better!
I KNOW you can do better then this!

Find a boy toy....lol

Peace, Love & Strength
Lynn

Susieq24 · Resident

I'm working on that now Lynn! haha Smile

Jenna85 · Newbie

can I just say Lynn, not everyones story will turn out like your story did. By the sounds of it..you believe no addict can turn around. After reading this thread, all i feel is down now. My brother is a cocaine addict and right now he is getting help. i cant walk away..as he is my brother. i just hope and pray he gets better.