Attracted to an addict

confused-08 · Newbie

This is quite lengthy so my apologies for that. Don't know how to make it short. It does become about crack eventually..

I have been a chronic herb user for about 25 years. My 1st wife was ok with the herb use until we had a child. We ended up divorcing for many reasons.

I married again a couple years later, had another child (note - last time we had sex was when this child was conceived over 2 years ago). My wife was again ok with herb use at first but has since turned downright nasty about it after child born. She calls me an addict, says my trailer park parents didn't teach me how to love, that it was a mistake marrying me, has gone into extreme emotional fits and said some very ugly hurtful words. In the end she wants to make our mistake right and wants to be together in love etc. etc. My family thinks I’m whacked to stay with her yet I am still attracted to her and the possibility of a stable family life.

She's a beautiful woman with old world virtues which I admire and are very rare these days. She does however have extremely high emotional needs (validated by others who know her) and if not met will turn downright nasty. Because of this and being forced to stay in hotel rooms at least a dozen times throughout the past year I got another place as a backup. So now we've been separated for 6 months yet I continue to stay at my wife and son’s place and help out about 1/2 the time. We both want us to work out - I just have a hard time being told that she wants to slit my throat or whatever during her emotional outbursts that she blames me for because her emotional needs are not met. I am a professional with a demanding job, am the sole breadwinner and I need my wits about me during the day for my jobs.

The old proverbial milk story - one day just over a year ago I went out for milk and to take a movie back. I met this woman who claimed her car was out of gas and needed 5 bucks. I spoke with her for a while and ended up giving her a 20 and welcomed her to the city. About a month later I saw her in the same parking lot and we smoked a J together, talked and exchanged phone #'s.

OK so now when I got thrown out of the house during an emotional fit I would call Sarah (not her real name) and we'd go out for a drink and a J. How refreshing for me to be able to sit with another women, smoke a J and have some decent conversation and not get screamed at for whatever. She let it known to me that she was extremely physically attracted to me. I told her I was attracted to her as well but would never consider crossing that line while married. I met with her about every couple weeks; whenever I needed a friend to help me through what I considered physcological
torture at my home.

Sarah eventually told me that she was a crack addict because she respected me and wanted me to know the truth. She also told me her story, sexually abused by father; parents are deceased, finished university, got married, house and professional job. She lost it all. She stays with supposed friends of the family – 20 years her senior – they introduced her on the crack 2.5 years ago – she wants out now.

This girl is alone. She has gone to short term detox on her own accord and is scheduled in a few weeks to go into a longer treatment program but she needs to be clean for 5 days prior. Last weekend when my wife asked me to leave again I called Sarah and she was in a state because of the drug and the crazy environment she is living in. She has no place to go – no one to help her – is ALONE. My place is empty so I told her she could stay there until the end of the month when she is scheduled for treatment; she was un-comfortable with it, as I was, but didn’t have much choice.

OK so now she’s at my place. She is an extremely sensual woman (sex addict?); I am a healthy red blooded male who has not had physical contact with anyone for over two years. Just let me make it clear that this was NOT my motive – I truly wanted to help my friend Sarah. She promised me that we could “play” physically with no emotional obligation. Well I’ve never experienced such pleasure – her neither – was the first time since her first marriage that she’s been that intimate with a man – she’s enjoyed plenty women and had a few male partners – but never trusted anyone like she does me which produces incredible physical bonding. We fit together like a glove. After 2 days of this – I went home to my wife’s place to help. I couldn’t handle the stress and the next day moved Sarah back to her place – where there is crack on the floor etc. etc. She would end up there in the day time anyway (no where to go and couldn’t stand being alone in a quiet place)

Sarah and I did develop emotionally. I feel terrible for putting her back into the fire. She understands and has no issues with it because she does not want anyone to get hurt either. Firstly I want my marriage to work out. I put Sarah second. Sarah wants and needs me. My wife – I’m not so sure anymore.

Is it possible for a crack addict to recover and never use again? I don’t want it in my life but I am sympathetic towards her because of her sordid past and the impact the herb has had in my life.

Are we not called on to HELP people? I’m confused. Sarah will NOT make it without me (anytime soon anyway). We communicated so effectively and honestly with each other and she referred to me going back to my wife over and over again as some sort of addiction. Maybe so, I just don’t want anyone to get hurt!

I am struggling with this: “Is it Lord or the devil that is bringing Sarah and I together?”

Anyone have any advice or wisdom?

lilbubba49 · Devoted

Quote:

- I just have a hard time being told that she wants to slit my throat or whatever during her emotional outbursts that she blames me for because her emotional needs are not met

I think if my loved one told me this I would be so far gone.You are one mixed up guy.My advice to you is to deal with your phyco wife before you add a crack addict to the mix.Maybe someone else can give you better advice but thats all I got after reading your story,Good luck

Asadwife · Resident

Dunno what to say about this whole story. Forget the going out for milk story...what about the buying the cow story?

I have grown to learn not to judge without walking in anothers shoes. This has been one heck of a lesson learned from living with an addict. Therefore, I do not judge your situation. Nor your wife's emotional outbursts because there may be more to the story than what we see here.

But Confused, I can't help myself from asking questions:

Why not resolve a relationship without moving forward
with another?

Why do you invest in a woman in a parking lot, yet you do
not invest in the relationship enough with your wife to
know why you are not having sex. Trust me---bigger
issues exist in your marriage if you have not gotten
laid in two years.

Why do you keep false hope alive with your wife? Why do
you split the time between a marriage and your "friend"?

Why do you feel such a compulsion to help Sarah?

What not just come out and say pot? Is herb a sexier
word?

Don't you all deserve peace and life outside of
the tornado?

confused-08 · Newbie

Thanks everyone. Yep I'm one messed up guy alright. This morning during another wacko outbreak I told wife that she's not happy, I'm not happy and that we both deserve to be happy so let's move on. Now I feel like crap - went seeking a J first thing to help me feel better (was unsuccessful - but it's still early).

Asadwife - you sound very kind and wise. Yes of course there's her side as well which isn't here. She wasn't always this difficult and I wasn't the man I am now. Why invest in parking lot woman? I've tried for years to "work it out" with wife. Her words are like knives and a guy can only take so much. She would not consider counseling - she questions all sources unless it's from the Bible. Odd thing is that I've read Proverbs and can list many inconsistencies on her part.

BTW - I highly recommend Proverbs for anyone - even non-believers - the wisdom and lessons apply even today!

Why compulsion to help Sarah? Lonely plus wife nailed it in to me that Lord calls us to help people. Was hoping I could do some good in my idle time. Sarah sees me as a good honest man, most people do - wife calls me the devil. Speaking with Sarah last night we were like "hey this is how communication in a relationship is supposed to work".

Yeah, to me "pot" has negative connotations to it. "Herb" sounds more natural - learned that from some Jamaicans. I still maintain that the odd J helps keep me from being depressed. Problem is that I can't stop until it's gone and too much makes me depressed. What a cycle.

So thanks again. We'll see where life goes from here.

confused-08 · Newbie

One more thing Asadwife - what's the buying the cow story about?

Asadwife · Resident

Sorry Confused but you started out saying that it was the old story that you were going out for milk. After I read your post I started thinking buying milk heck, it seems as though you are getting free milk without buying the cow.

Confused, I need to ask you something? What do you think about smoking pot? Honestly, deep inside. Do you think that it is okay, or do you think that smoking pot is not the wisest of choices. Of course I have smoked pot, and at a time I smoked a lot. But, at some point I decided I must face my life and deal with the crap that I was carrying around with me instead of sitting in a permanant haze. I dunno Confused. Personally, I do not think that smoking Pot is so bad even though it has probably been twenty years since I smoked some, but I do think daily and dependent pot smoking is a problem. Has smoking pot caused any issues in your marriage? I ask this because I am wondering if this is something that Sarah totally accepts and your wife does not. You say that Sarah sees you as a good and honest man. I truly believe that Sarah is probably a lovely person, but Confused, is that how you value yourself Good and honest through the eyes of a using crack addict? Confused, your wife is angry because she loves you. She wants all of you---the other half she married. How do you think it makes her feel knowing that you chose a crack addict in a pparking lot over her? I have been in a somewhat similar but different situation and I can tell you, it makes you feel awful. Like you are worth less than nothing. If you cannot give her this (all of you), then it is the noble and honorable thing is to try to restore her the best you can and move on. Because both of you deserve that. I think the piece that most people miss is the restoration for past misjudgements and hurts--usually during a divorce people are he|l bent on driving the other person into the ground. Isn't my way so much kinder? I am sorry that your wife would not consider counselling and I commend you for asking her to go. But confused---it is not fair to ANYONE involved having an A and B Plan. If you genuinely love Sarah---go for it! Just go in eyes opened, because I can tell you that loving an addict is one he|l of a ride. BE PREPARED. We can all ask for advice all day long Confused. My advice to you is to start asking yourself those brutally honest questions that make you pick up a joint in order to feel better.

Thank you for your kind words. When I post Confused, I am trying to help, not hurt. I hope you find your happiness. Everyone deserves to love and be loved.

rick_h · 12 step Recruit

To answer a question - yes a person can get off crack and live clean. I have seen it in others and I am doing it myself. But the user has to do it themselves. You can't make a person get clean. She might have been somewhat honest with you on some things but know that other things she said afre outright lies and manipulations. When she was at your place during the day she went back to the crack house because she was lonely - yeah right.

I do believe she might want help - but she need to be the hero in this not you. The only person that can save an addict is the addict themself end of story. It nice you want to help her but you can't and you can save yourself alot of anger hurt and frustration along the way by not going there.

keepitreal · Helping Hand IV

O.K....whose the freaking idi0t here that voted for G0D?

keepitreal · Helping Hand IV

rick_h wrote:

She might have been somewhat honest with you on some things
but know that other things she said are outright lies and manipulations.

ROFLMAO...You got that right!
Straight up...On the real...Word

Oye vay...up until today(Sun.)I was doing so good,
at refraining from commenting or adding my 2 cents here.

You know, honestly, I don't know which is worse...
being dumb or playing stupid

Admin · Site Admin

Quote:

I don't know which is worse...
being dumb or playing stupid

Playing both and believing none will be able to recognized any.

Asadwife · Resident

But of course I am that freaking self-interest person Lynn. I am not scared to say what I think about it or to admit it either.

Susieq24 · Resident

Quote:

I am struggling with this: “Is it Lord or the devil that is bringing Sarah and I together?”

Hi confused.... That's quite the question to ask, but i completely understand how it could be confusing. I honestly don't believe the lord would want to bring a mistress into a sacred marriage. And when I think about drugs, I immediately think that is evil, and it is the devils work. Lord doesn't want you to hurt. Just like he doesn't want anyone to hurt.
Is it possible that maybe the mind state you were in at the moment you met Sarah left you somewhat vulnerable? Looking for a kind face, someone who would listen and not judge, or just be there when you need a friend.
These are just some of the characteristics of an affair. It only starts with a "hello", and then the excitement of the risk begins. You need to ask Lord to give you the strength to resist temptation and to only look to your wife for emotional guidance and strength. If you were just trying to be a good citizen, you should have handed her the 5 dollars and walked away.
My advice, work on your marriage first and come to some kind of resolution, whether it be good or not, and then concern yourself with another woman.

keepitreal · Helping Hand IV

Asadwife wrote:

But of course I am that freaking self-interest person Lynn.

Well, I see you're not the only one.
...and to think you never even entered my mind.

Asadwife wrote:

I am not scared to say what I think about it either.

That's great...how 'bout enlightening me then

Asadwife · Resident

Quote:

...and to think you never even entered my mind.

Actually Lynn, things are many times what they might not seem to be.

pause4poetry · Moderator

Dear Confused,

Welcome

Consider that you feel your situation and relationship with your wife can be a challenge, then you might want to imagine allowing your heart strings to get tangled up with a person in addiction. There are no easy roads when addiction has the controls.

You ask yourself if Lord has put you and Sarah together? Funny, when I learned of my loved ones addiction, I thought the same thing, because I felt my influence would help lead him in a better direction. I can not tell you how wrong I was, and how long that belief kept me dedicated to helping someone that was not willing to help himself.

The best defense that Sarah will ever have to face her addiction is her will and determination to help herself take back the controls.

Quote:

Sarah will NOT make it without me (anytime soon anyway).

Consider that there are NO guarantees that she will make it out with you either. The statement quoted above leaves you feeling that you are destined to follow a course as you deem yourself somehow responsible for this gals recovery from addiction. My hope is that you don't set yourself up with this line of thinking. Her recovery is not dependant on you, but her own choices, and actions.

Good Luck !
Wishing you Strength and Peace,

Michelle

keepitreal · Helping Hand IV

Asadwife wrote:

keepitreal wrote:

...and to think you never even entered my mind.

Actually Lynn, things are many times what they might not seem to be.

I'm still waiting for you to enlighten me.

Obviously, you think G0D brought Sarah and this yahoo together,
so, I want to know why you think He did.

Asadwife · Resident

Quote:

Obviously, you think G0D brought Sarah and this yahoo together,
so, I want to know why you think He did.

Well, that is a pretty big assumption Lynn. I simply thought it was a poll and did not make any connection whatso ever to the posting. I see polls like this all the time when I am online and simply saw the question as whether I believed in Lord, the devil, or neither. Nothing more than that.

While I have struggled with different organized religions, I truly do believe in Lord. To me, there just has to be. There have been more than one situation in my life that I cannot deny that Lord does exist. I suppose that is what faith is. Because of this faith and a connection I have felt since I was little I do not waiver from my convinctions even if someone else does not believe. This is what I meant about saying that I am not scared about admiting it or saying what I think either.

I am sorry. I do not see confused-08 as a yahoo. I see him as a person who wants to be loved so badly the cost is irrelevant and secondly as someone who is not willing to do the internal work it takes to improve their life. I think confused-08 is taking the easy way out. It is easier for him to get high and deal with life that way then to ask what it is that causes the pain that makes life in its purest form unbearable. Having been in different situations myself, I know that the hardest thing you can do in your life is to get real with yourself. You can answer question to others in a plausible and logical fashion, but you and only you know what is the truth. We are only human and sometimes we are not strong enough to accept our flaws and imperfections. We are all on our own timelines Lynn. What seems simple for one person is a odyessy for the next person. I have gotten to the point in my life where I not only understand it, I don't judge it. We all have different levels of mental strength just as we do physical strength. Not everyone has the drive to develop it.