A bad habit, getting worse!

scooter7975 · Newbie

My wife and I share a horrible coke addiction. We've been using off and on for about a year now. It used to always be a social addiction when we would get a chance to go out with friends. Now its mutated into a lifestyle wreaking ball. We never dipped into rent money before, but this weekend we have. It's so damn easy to justify it before you get it, but when it's gone then the guilt sets in. I guess I could qualify as the typical addict because I always said it would never get me. I feel really crappy because my wife never used until i turned her on to it. Now shes got it bad. She realizes we have a problem and I guess I'm lucky because she has yet to direct her anger about the addiction towards me, which in turn will make it easier to battle it together. I read a lot of posts on this site before posting myself hoping to find some kind of magical solution. I guess it comes down to making the decision of how much more am I willing to lose to this pure evil drug. Easier said then done!

rick_h · 12 step Recruit

Hey Scooter,

There is no magic solution, its a daily progress and routine, and I won't kid you its alot of work. The good news is that you don't have to dot it alone if you don't want to. I can't tell you whats going to work for you, but I can tell you what worked for me. For me it took winding up in a homeless shelter and losing my wife, kids, brothers and sisters to be desperate enough to want to get help. I could never get through the first week so I checked into detox facility. From there I got into 12 step meetings, went to treatment (WHICH IS NOT A CURE - just a safe place to get a head together and sort some issues out). It was the 12 step meetings for me that has kept me drug free since July 06 IMHO.

You have said where you are at somewhat. Just know it can and likely will get alot worse if you keep using. I make 80K a year. I got to the point where I was scamming and stealing to support my habit. So when that voice in your head tells you you don't have a problem, ask yourself what it will take to convince you that you do.

Please get out there and find you and your wife some help.

scooter7975 · Newbie

well, I think I'm doing ok. I have my stimulas check and I havn't spent nothing on soft........just booze. LOL..... Id rather drink for 20 dollors then waste 500 on you know what!

rick_h · 12 step Recruit

Well good luck with that then

scooter7975 · Newbie

gee rick, im rather proud that I had a few bucks in my pocket and celebrated with a liter of captain than several 8 balls! I don't need the crap and wednesday i'm planning on squaring away a few bills. Yes I'm buzzed, but I'd rather have a booze buzz and cash then an hours worth of stuff and no cheese! I'm not looking for a horray because i'm drunk, but don't hate on me because of it!

rick_h · 12 step Recruit

You come here indicating you have a problem - then get defensive when you don't get the response you want. Sounds like something I would have done a few years ago.

I'm not hating on you. I have just seen too many cases where the booze triggers a relapse. If you think it'll work for you - then I mean exactly that good luck with it. If it doesn't we are here if required.

pause4poetry · Moderator

Quote:

It's so damn easy to justify it before you get it, but when it's gone then the guilt sets in. I guess I could qualify as the typical addict because I always said it would never get me.

..... and the cycle continues .... pulling you a little bit deeper with each graduating step.... Consider that when in active addiction boundaries get lost in the justifications that allow you to continue using.

The likelihood of the justifications getting easier are just around the corner as long as your use continues. This is exactly how addiction leaves so many people without what they have worked a lifetime to obtain. I have seen the justifications down to the the very last dollar, worse down to the very last asset.

I am in agreement with Rick though, and hope that you can see the role that liquor plays in weakening your defenses.

You have found a great site for information and support, I hope that you'll keep reading ....

Wishing you Strength and Peace,

Michelle

scooter7975 · Newbie

So far so good. The cravings have been there, but I haven't entertained them. My wife and I are good help for each other. Shes anxious to see if my participating in this site is worth the faith I'm putting in it. I have looked into the NA meetings in our area, and feel they may help us. We've been confiding with a deacon at our church, and his help is invaluable also. My first major goal is to make it through this next weekend. I live in a beachfront tourist town and there's about three hundred thousand bikers in town for a spring rally. We have already been approached to go out and party and I'm proud to admit all invitations have been turned down. Some associates of mine have already been broken off! Hopefully by the end of June I will have surrounded myself with better associates and friends!

rick_h · 12 step Recruit

NA is a very good place to start. Good work and good luck

scooter7975 · Newbie

I'm still hanging in there! It really isn't as easy as you would think. I've found that it helps to replace my daily regiment with constructive things to do and to stay busy! Depression is lurking around every corner if I invite it in. This weekend was tough but very eyeopening. By removing my wife and I from our 'old' circle of friends, I've become the subject of ridicule with most of our 'old' friends waiting like vultures for us to fall. LOL They just don't know.

rick_h · 12 step Recruit

scooter7975 wrote:

I'm still hanging in there! It really isn't as easy as you would think. I've found that it helps to replace my daily regiment with constructive things to do and to stay busy! Depression is lurking around every corner if I invite it in. This weekend was tough but very eyeopening. By removing my wife and I from our 'old' circle of friends, I've become the subject of ridicule with most of our 'old' friends waiting like vultures for us to fall. LOL They just don't know.

- I never said or thought it would be easy Wink

Remember I have been there. In fact knowing how hard it is was why I asked how you were doing.
- Depression is normal and needs to be dealt with accordingly, I found once I was about 6 months in and really working on the steps the depression really dissapated
-Third - Good work - I am proud of what you are doing and pray that you hang in there and get what you need! Good luck brother!

Admin · Site Admin

scooter7975 wrote:

I'm still hanging in there! It really isn't as easy as you would think. I've found that it helps to replace my daily regiment with constructive things to do and to stay busy! Depression is lurking around every corner if I invite it in. This weekend was tough but very eyeopening. By removing my wife and I from our 'old' circle of friends, I've become the subject of ridicule with most of our 'old' friends waiting like vultures for us to fall. LOL They just don't know.

Have you read?
http://www.cocainehelp.org/mod-subjects ... id-49.html
and
http://www.cocainehelp.org/mod-subjects ... id-65.html

scooter7975 · Newbie

Hey folks! I've been clean over a week now and my body's natural energy is starting to come back to me in full swing. My productivity at work is going up and it feels good. I've had plenty of time now to reflect on my behavior over the past few months and my emotions are mixed for sure. I'm sad and pissed about the time and money I've wasted, but more importantly, upset that I could consciously do to my body what I had done. On the other side I feel very proud of myself and Amy (wife) that we are strong enough to fight this addiction in what some have said are the hardest hours! We didn't climb a mountain, or swim a vast channel, but in its own right, putting down the crap for this long now has felt like an impossible achievement! I feel at this moment there's nothing I can't do. I know a reality check is in order, but we still feel ten feet tall.

Thanks Gene for passing on those links. For what its worth, those links and a few others I have run across on this site just cannot be read enough. There are several posts by other users that I read daily. It helps remind me of where I've been. I feel sorry for these folks but at the same time I remember that I'm no better than them. It wasn't very long ago at all that I was neck deep in my own sea of turmoil. Now I feel I can see the shoreline and I feel Amy and I are swimming toward the shore to get out.

I made an extremely tough decision early this morning. At around 2am an old 'associate' of mine came knocking in tears distraught about his situation and asking for help. In the past I considered this man to be a 'good friend'. We've gone fishing together, had BBQ's, watched sporting events together, etc... You know, 'a close guy friend'. The problem is he shares the same addiction. And he came last night with what appeared to be a genuine concern about his problem, and concerned about the condition of our 'friendship'. Well I didn't even let him in. I wrote down a phone number for the 'Stephens Ministries' (the program my wife and I are enrolled in), and a few web sites including this one. I had to tell him that there was nothing left for him here. I have to be honest that it turned my stomach. Partly because I felt like crap to turn him away, but also because that addiction and state of mind was once welcomed here. Sigh.... what a web I have weaved. To make a long story longer I got up at six this morning to walk the mut and at the end of my drive in the hedges was that piece of paper I gave him. Without a doubt I feel I made the right decision. I'm no counselor by any means and I can't do much to help someone when I have the same problems. Blind leading the blind you know. I've very adamant about separating myself from EVERYONE I used to hang around.

rick_h · 12 step Recruit

Sounds like you are doing well Scooter- Keep doing what is working and continue to learn from what hurts. You are doing great!