This is my first post here or on any internet forum so forgive me if I do something terribly wrong.
I am an addict. It's taken me a long while to say that even to myself but now I'm certain it's true.
I've been using cocaine recreationally since my late teens, on and off during my twenties, and regularly during the past two years.
I've always moved in circles where it was quite acceptable to be a user but when I met my girlfriend almost two years ago (she's a user) it became a daily habit within six months.
My partner has an eating disorder (which is very stressful for both of us to deal with) and she used to be a heavy user to keep her weight down. Now, she's almost stopped due to the come-down binges she'd experience and I've been covering up the extent of my useage from her.
I've recently suffered bereavement and have a highly demanding job which coke helps me to deal with. I've been using at work and I'm terrified of being caught out. Already, people have begun commenting on my appearance (I've lost quite a lot of weight) and the amount of sick days I've had have led to rumours I've got everything from cancer to AIDS! I've been passing it off as a mixture of stress and allergies for the past few weeks but I'm certain people are suspicious.
I'm currently off work on two weeks 'compassionate leave' after the death of my father but soon I'm going to run out of reasons.
I'm behind with my mortgage for the first time in 8 years and, rather embarrassingly, had my phoneline cut off after I decided the bill could wait and cocaine came first.
I've considered things like NA but I'm not sure how much good they could do and, also, I'm afraid who I might see there. People like to talk and if any of this gets back to my employer then I'm finished.
I can't even seem to be able to quit smoking so I don't know what the he|l I'm going to do. I used to have so much willpower but instant gratification has become my preference.
I can see you are still on. I remember when I found this forum and posting for the first time how eager I was for help and just someone out there who was listening.
Harry, I am not an addict so I do not feel comfortable giving you advice there. There are a lot of good hearted people here who can help you much better than I can, and they will. All I can say is that I do believe in any situation of hopelessness asking for help is the first step.
Also, you need to compartmentalize things. Don't look at all of your problems heaped into one. It will become overwhelming to you. You will need to tackle them one by one. Make a list of all the changes you need to make. Then prioritize that list. Be easy on yourself in the beginning and take baby steps. Your victories will give you confidence for more difficult battles down the road.
Hang in there Harry. And Harry, don't worry who sees you anywhere. I will share something with you. I come from a "good" family in my town that knows everyone. I am also a professional and sit on several boards of directors around my town. About ten days ago I get a call from the bank about my husband. I thought that I kept his addiction under wraps except for a very tight circle. Because of the situation at the bank I had to give the person some indication of what was going on. And she said to me Kelly, we already knew. I just sat there stunned. And then the person went out of her way at the bank to really help me. Harry, I did not feel embarassed. I felt so much for the capacity of kindness that others can offer and I took her help. I think you will find more empathy than judgment out there.
Harry I am an addict like you a user of cocaine. Unless a user has been in your position its hard to understand how things are escalating in your life. Cocaine addiction cost me several good jobs and one great girlfriend not to mention the trouble I had with the police and the courts( I dealt to pay for my habit). The only thing that made me stop was the lack of money ! I blew £70k of legitimate earnings in two years and used 3g a day and more at weekends. My friends were scared of me and some of them thought I would die. I wanted too some times. I collapsed at christmas dinner in front of my girlfriends family. I would snort a bag in one go to impress. I would do 7g on some days. My life was a mess I even snorted coke at my nans funeral.
The only way I could quit was to move house , change job and get a new mobile and new friends. My old phone rang for two years with people trying to score off me.
You need to do something drastic because you must not carry on much longer the way you are. I was lucky to survive. Cocaine is now a rare sight in my life ,although when its there I will have it all. I think I will always be an addict but as long as its a rare sight I will be OK.
I also come from a 'good' family and my father was on the board of directors of the company I work for. If anything came out about me it would reflect very badly on his memory and be too much for my grieving family to deal with.
My father disowned and disinherited my sister for simply falling pregnant by a man he didn't approve of. It's now my burden to help support her and find her a suitable house as her fiance has a very low paid job and little prospects. It's something I cannot afford to do with my current fiancial situation and as I've always been close to my sister she will know something is up. Since our father died she's become closer with the family again and I can no longer trust her to keep any secrets.
I've tried to prioritize and compartmentalize things but something always comes up. Two weeks ago my partner made a suicide attempt (she has depression and anxiety as well as her eating problems) which threw everything into chaos. I could only cope through cocaine as I had to spend the entire night by her bedside then go to work and come straight back afterwards.
She's only twenty years old and quite emotionally immature and vunerable. I have to put her first as I always have done. We don't live together yet so I've got to be on call twenty-four hours a day in case she does something silly. It's a strain but I love her.
There aren't enough hours in the day to work, look after her and care for my family.
I'm not blaming these things for the escalation of my cocaine use but they are a factor. Coke is my substitute for sleep and food.
I planned to use this past week and the coming one to recuperate and cut down but I slept 16 hours straight the first time I tried cutting down and missed several anxious phonecalls for my girlfriend. When she finally got through she was in tears because she thought I was ignoring her and didn't care about her anymore. We probably have one of those 'co-dependant' relationships.
I know the coke isn't helping with the situation at all but I keep thinking things will get better in a few weeks and then I can think about cutting down or quitting. Sometimes those weeks seem more like they will be months or years.
I hope the people of this forum can give me some ojective advice that I can't seek elsewhere due to the fear of discovery. I need to sort myself out so as I can be there for other people. Today I've been very ill because of the coke (fainting from the combination of heat and lack of food and vomiting from a nosebleed that went down the back of my throat) and I've done nothing at all towards getting things sorted out.
On the same laptop I'm using to access a recovery forum I've also been doing lines off the lid of. It's not what I planned but it's a start. I think.
Harry I am an addict like you a user of cocaine. Unless a user has been in your position its hard to understand how things are escalating in your life. Cocaine addiction cost me several good jobs and one great girlfriend not to mention the trouble I had with the police and the courts( I dealt to pay for my habit). The only thing that made me stop was the lack of money ! I blew £70k of legitimate earnings in two years and used 3g a day and more at weekends. My friends were scared of me and some of them thought I would die. I wanted too some times. I collapsed at christmas dinner in front of my girlfriends family. I would snort a bag in one go to impress. I would do 7g on some days. My life was a mess I even snorted coke at my nans funeral.
The only way I could quit was to move house , change job and get a new mobile and new friends. My old phone rang for two years with people trying to score off me.
You need to do something drastic because you must not carry on much longer the way you are. I was lucky to survive. Cocaine is now a rare sight in my life ,although when its there I will have it all. I think I will always be an addict but as long as its a rare sight I will be OK.
B lucky
I think I'm heading towards the situation you were in, Simon.
I'm using relatively the same amount as you were and I also took coke at my father's funeral. When it came to singing the Hymns I ended up blasting out the first line of 'All things bright and beautiful' at twice the vloume of everyone else - I'm lucky they just thought I'd been drinking.
I've never dealt but for reasons of discretion and money I've been getting my supply from some people I'd never normally associate with. Issues with the law haven't really crossed my mind but I was almost caught out at work when someone borrowed the calculator that I use the battery compartment to store my stuff in.
I can't start a new life away from everything. Even if I could I don't think I'd want to. Besides, I live in central London...moving anywhere else would be so detrimental to my career.
Well Harry - why not try NA - it works for some. It works for me. I was a daily heavy user and have been clean since July of 06. It is possible. If you don't like NA after a while find something else. Things can and will get alot worse iof you don't quit.
You have come here admitting that you have a problem, and that is the first big step.
You have found a good resource for support an information, please keep reading and posting.
I understand the concerns that you have about your job, but I hope that you will not let those fears keep you from getting the help that you feel you need to address your addiction.
If necessary use vacation time, or sick days to get the ball rolling. Know that your situation is not going to improve without a huge effort on your part. Begin looking for resources that you feel will work for you, and begin somewhere.
Consider that using, and working puts your job performance and your job at risk. If you have considered NA, why not give it a try... make the call and get the meeting dates. Talk to someone that will listen to your concerns, and offer you feedback that can help you get started in a positive direction. Allowing the cycle to continue is not going to offer you any relief from the nightmare that you are living at work. Have faith in yourself and take the next step forward.
Wishing you Strength and Peace,
Michelle
_________________ Positives create better results then Negatives
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