A vicious circle

justdtno · Newbie

So, hi, I am gonna loose my mind. This is actually the first I have had the oppurtunity to do something like this. I am having difficulty figuring out if my boyfriend of five years is doing cocaine. I personally am petrified of the drug. So therefore I am quite naive and ignorant about it.
With that said, the idea of my boyfriend doing cocaine arised one time by a good friend who had seen him "wig" on me in front of her. She told me how her father had been "that way" when he did it. I always felt he (my bf) acted like my stepfather, who I didn't know until recently was doing cocaine pretty much the whole time he was in my life. And they too act similar. The moods, look in the eye.
I was told that it also affects ones sex drive, and he too has become less interested in sex. And because I have made an issue about it, he I assume forces himself to do it. For awhile I thought I was imagining his "actions", but last week, he was silent the whole time. And in talking to a friend, whose sister dates a fellow coker...said "yeah, that's the coke". I don't know.
I just need someone's opinion. I appreciate any offered.
Thanks for listening.
M.

Asadwife · Resident

Dear M--

Unfortunately, since you are at the point that you are asking the question and wondering the answer is probably so. Yes, our boyfriend is a user.

As I read your words, I know exactly how you feel. To the T. All too well. I understand what it is like to feel as though you are losing your mind. My first postings on this forum I talked about feeling like Alice in Wonderland. Nothing was what it seemed. It is awful to go through your life feeling that way.

All I can tell you is that the tornado of addiction will continue to ravage your life as long as you allow it. Because your story of addiction has unfolded similar to the way mine has I understand the erosion process. An addict can be very clever covering their tracks for a long, long time. If you don't know what you are looking for it is even harder to figure out the truth.

All I can say is keep your eyes WIDE open. Read as much as you can online and trust me the entire story will unfold.

Best advice I can give is to worry about yourself justdtno. And I know that sounds like I am speaking in a foreign language you cannot understand. No matter what it takes you have to get out before you can see what your life really is. It may take 100 times of throwing him out....you just gotta get stronger from each time.

Do not allow yourself to close your eyes or to accept what you are being given. ASK YOURSELF what it is that allows you to accept this...and then MAKE yourself answer. If you want to break through, you have to go there and deal with it.

rick_h · 12 step Recruit

If you suspect - ask him - if he says no - ask him if he'd do a drug test to prove it. Whether or not he does the test will be you answer.

keepitreal · Helping Hand IV

rick_h wrote:

If you suspect - ask him - if he says no - ask him if he'd do a drug test to prove it. Whether or not he does the test will be you answer.

Oh Lord...what's the point of asking,
if demands for a drug test follows an unacceptable answer?

If she suspects he's doing coke,
she probably has more reasons that fuel her suspicions,
other then, the comments some of her friends have made.

If I wasn't and someone asked me and I said no,
then, told me to take a drug test to prove it...
I'd tell them to kiss my a*s on my way out the door.

Asadwife · Resident

Have to agree with Lynn on this one. I think asking for a drug test is a futile question. If the guy is an addict he will look her straight in the eyes and say sure I will take a drug test. If she is as fragile as I am thinking she might be she will say okay and then not push it. Been there done that. Standing on higher ground now, it is still difficult for me to see how blind I was. However, I completely understand that feeling of being blindsided by an addict. In most marriages and relationships people slide from the ideal we first meet. Some people gain weight, some people stop doing the little things, some people stop putting the effort into the relationship--they get complacent. Thats what I believed happened in my own marriage. My husband stopped going to great lengths to cover things up and it all just unfolded horriffic bit by bit before my eyes.

rick_h · 12 step Recruit

I can see that side now that you bring that up. I was a little different than that - I was a coward and ran away when confronted with the idea of a test - then came back and came clean.

Admin · Site Admin

You should evaluate your relationships. Why didn't you ask your boyfriend this question?