Today I'm trying to say goodbye to a life that is unhealthy. A life I had faith would come full circle back to me because of the powerful love it contained.
It is a bitter/sweet and very tearful attempt at accepting reality.
I have been waiting nearly a year to recapture the most amazing sense of love life has ever offered me.
Sadly, though the love was and always will be genuine, he did not belong to me. Instead he belonged to a sleeker more appealing yet toxic woman. Her name is Cocaine.
She taught him how to be a Ninja. He can sneak and hide and disappear in the blink of an eye. He can twist the truth and manipulate with the best of them. His teacher? Cocaine.
She taught him how to hold onto everything hurtful from his past. She taught him how to feel devastation to the core. She taught him how to be so guilt ridden about his addiction and choices that he now believes he deserves every ounce of pain he has to endure.
She, "Cocaine", has shown him that happiness exists for other people but it's out of reach for him. She has taken away his ability to see that life doesn't have to be the way it is. She is intoxicating and toxic.
I read a passage from one of many self help books I've toured over the years that gave an analogy about a family of ducks. Some of you might be familiar with this and forgive me if I have something a little skewed in the story, it's been years since I've read it. It goes something like this....
Mr. and Mrs. Duck lived on a beautiful pond enjoying life and eventually had baby ducks who also enjoyed life on the beautiful pond. One day life changed when a large manufacturing plant began to dump toxic waste into the pond. Slowly life started to change. One of the growing baby ducks began to feel sick. Another of the ducklings died. But because it was their home and familiar Mr. and Mrs. Duck would not leave. Jr. begged and pleaded with his parents to relocate to no avail. Eventually because of the unhealthy situation Jr. had to fly away leaving behind his beloved parents and remaining brothers and sisters to find a better life a few miles away in a healthy pond. Although Jr. missed his parents very much and loves them with all his heart he had to survive. Eventually his siblings one by one admiring their brother's strength also left the contaminated pond for a better more healthy way of life. Mr. Duck, set in his ways, died on the contaminated pond and Mother duck flew to the new pond to start over with her children. She went on to begin a new and healthy way of life.
I'm sure everyone might get a little something different from this story, and if it helps you in anyway, bless you.
In my situation it means simply this. Although my heart will always be with the person on the toxic pond, I cannot continue to wait there in the unhealthy scenario. I have to remove myself from the contamination. I hope that my strength will be viewed as Jr. Ducks was. I pray that eventually the love of my life will muster up the strength to also see the unhealthy situation and fly to the new and healthy way of life. There I will be there with open arms. To say hello again.
If he never leaves his toxic situation, I will always feel blessed that during a time in his life that was NOT contaminated with Cocaine, he loved me. A life altering love that will remain forever a blessed and peaceful mark on my heart that I will carry with me during my quest for a healthy life.
With misty eyes, guitar in hand, and a glass half full I have to move forward. That begins now.
I found this quote somewhere in the past couple days and it rings so true. Don't remember where i found it, possibly even on this site. It really stuck with me. I wanted to share...
"Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass, it's about learning to dance in the rain!"
Many Blessings,
Amy
_________________ Remember, after the fire, after all the rain...I will be the flame, I will be the flame.
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