am i an addict??????? new here

jama1 · Newbie

ill try to keep this short.i am a 41 yr old woman who has an 11 yr old beautiful daughter,and a wonderful new husband,been married for 2 yrs together for 6.i have been on and off more off,.batteling this freakin evil drug. for 12 years.i just 3 mos ago blew 3 yrs of sobriety.granted i had stopped going to meetings(ive allways gone t aa) ..and i started drinking a little too,figuring he|l,im not an alchaholic AT LEAST i can have that.bad idea led me back out.got into a fight with my husband,acted out on my rage , as usual and was g-o-n-e.
with my daughter home and a sleep.ive never ever done that.as usual i couldnt stop and it pains me so much to say that i even stooped so low as to sneak into her room early the next morning and took 20$ out her room.its the lowest low ive ever gone to.
but beleive it or not i am at a place that i am questioning am i really an addict? or just a compulsive person? i mean i never lived to use and used to live like the na preamble reads,or been to jail, or got raped or any of those things.i feel like i cant relate to most of the stories you hear in the meetings or on line about people who used (every day) because i never did that.
i suppose i enjoyed the drug to a degree or i would have never reached for it but no matter what little actual good time i had,it allways did and will end the same way,.... iwant more and tear myself up ea time i do it. its evil im convinced.
i dont know why im feeling this way,i suppose this could be very dangerous like,this could be the devil who obviously wants me or my disease trying to trick me.after all they say...its cunning,baffeling and powerful right?
or.. this could be good and maybe if i satisfy myself with questions answered i can walk through recovery true "recovery"with no doubts or reservations.
and just maybe all the things i never did are all just "YETS" and i would and could loose it all in a matter of time.i hate this drug so much it has destroyed me so badly even only using once every few years i so scared for me and everyone else who ever was cursed with this addiction. i feel for those who have no way out .but for now i need to be selfish and fearless...please i need some answers once and for all is it possible to be a true drug addict ,.but only use once a year? or once every 2 yrs? is that possible? someone suggested on another forum that i sounded like a "binge" user .i just want an answer.
thank you for listening i know this was long but it is necessary for me right now,

Admin · Site Admin

Go to http://www.cocainehelp.org/mod-subjects ... eno-2.html and http://www.drugscreening.org/ , take a test.
However you should understand it is not only about how much or how often, it is also about the impact it creates on your life and people around you.

Admin · Site Admin

Quote:

but for now i need to be selfish and fearless...please i need some answers once and for all is it possible to be a true drug addict ,.but only use once a year? or once every 2 yrs? is that possible?

to be selfish and fearless... Please explain what do you mean? Are you talking about some kind of heroic mission? Well, sounds like at least some kind of epos.

How many times have you used during your life time? 12-6 times? Really? Do you use the same amount all the time? If yes, do you use any combination of drugs, alcohol.

However, the real question you have to answer: Why do you use drug at all?

jama1 · Newbie

meaning selfish and fearless about my RECIVERY certainly not about using again.over my life? i couldnt count,maybe over the past 6 years...uhhh 10 times??? same amount usually till all the money that i have access to is gone,plus borrow and beg plus am forced to stop ect...no combination. why have i kept reaching for something so awful? dunno impulse control i suppose maybe the crack for me was an escape when im under extreme pressure ie; my dad died 1 wk before this last time.also strange as it souds... i mentally trip on the stuff and constantly search my mental state so maybe in some weird way i thought it was some answer,plus ok, that "rush" wow i think there is no other that powerful.i think i am an addict who "binge used. and maybe it would only be a matter of time till i die,ive answered my own questions and am sticking with the program and meetings for the rest of my life.period.because thats part of the problem that i thought i knew better than them,...not. i dont.and i (obviously)need to be reminded of where i could be Wink

does this make sence?

rick_h · 12 step Recruit

Yep - its sounds like you answered it - now you just have to do the work. Good stuff!