hey everyone,
i took a first step today (yesterday, who keeps track, i've been up near 40 hours now) towards getting my life back. i'm not moving toward this brazenly with certainty of success, but i do feel confident. if i tell you that i have enough coke at hand to do another 3 or 4 injections before i give into sleep it's because i planned it that way. there could be 2 or 3 grams sitting here but unlike the numerous half ounces which have sat before me, i just don't want to give it the time it requires to go through it all. i have shared my dope but would never just give it away or sell any for less than its value but i did make a point to sell off 2 grams for a third of its value two nights ago to be certain that i'd have just this much for now. it was easy for me to do that because i'd been preparing for this for perhaps the last four months. that would be about the time that alarms started going off in my head. that was the time i found myself sitting on the floor of a motel room that housed me for six weeks while working out of town. it was 4:30 a.m. and i had to be up in an hour to go to work. i'd been doing coke daily for only a month now and already was purchasing by the half ounce. i liked it big time and i didn't want to be caught without. and with those quantities at hand i was free to induldge as i wanted. and to be honest, i was a pig. and that night became the first of so many that i would feel so alone and desperate to have someone to share the increasingly long hours i'd been staying awake.
although my story only spans, hopefully less than half a year, it has been very intense and even more so these past two months when i'd turned to injection because i could no longer snort. what recreational/social enjoyment i had started out with was very short lived. what high i used to get that put me up and out there with the crowd where fun ruled, turned quickly to nothing more than a sedation which would lay me flat. flat became the norm and when flat wasn't quite reached as anticipated i increased the quantity to make sure this up drug was giving the down. it is just a short time by comparison i'm sure to what other have or may still be dealing with. but i've had more than enough moments where misjudgement or plain mistake of mix took me for rides i didn't care for, and i did have my one complimentary ambulance ride, on the one night there just happened to be someone else staying at my house. and i'm sitting here now with phone and cable bills that are overdue, my vehical insurance hasn't been paid in two months, my bank account is $200.00 in the ?/|\ for bounced cheques. my rent hasn't yet been paid this month. my cupboards are looking mighty empty. and i haven't seen my 12 and 10 year old boys, whom i love dearly, in three weeks now. and just this morning when their mother spoke with me, we both felt that things are not very stable with me at the moment and that maby we will put the visit off a little longer. and i just upped and quit my regular job one day about six weeks and have brought hardly any money home what so ever and if i did it went to dope.
so it has been a short time and i am grateful for that. i see no reason to cause myself any further heartache or poor health. the drug wont suffer without me. the high (already turned down for me) will always be just as i have known it. the only thing that could potentially be something greater than what i already know is my own personal loss of a life that is mine.
i saw a drug councillor for the first time today and will see him again on monday. everybody reaches their own pivot point by their own measures. and i would never say to anybody that quitting any substance is easy, cause it ain't. but the one thing i learned that became a huge turning point for me was that this addiction was a mental thing and not physical. i had no idea before that. i would like to share more about how that started to set me toward where i'm sitting now and where i hope to be tomorrow. i know i seem to be coming across like this is easy. it's not, but this is just where my headspace is at right now and because i accept that the addiction is mental, then that is where i know i need to keep my thoughts.
congrats on your first step. If you are truly ready, you will get rid of the stuff you have left. You have already lost a whole lot of money. And other things, so you have said. Giving the rest up or flushing it-whatever-would be the next best step.
good luck
I have been keeping up with your post and I am happy to see that you are taking steps in a positive direction. Please consider that what you are keeping available as a safety net could actually be a cannon ready to fire.
I hope that you continue with your counselor and can work towards eliminating the need to keeping temptation so close at hand..... Good Luck !!!!
Freedom to laugh, love, live life and enjoy....Freedom to express your opinion... and make choices, freedom to learn from our experiences. May you be given silken wings of strength ...giving you the courage to paint your wings against blue skies... finding your spirit free.... to be who you truly are in your heart......
_________________ Positives create better results then Negatives
i had kept a stash at hand only because it would have been much harder to just stop using through the course of the day before i was ready to go to sleep. i had thought there was just enough to take me into late friday night, there probably was but as i was perhaps in the headspace of quitting i was not injecting as heavily or as regularly as i usually would. therefore, i had not used the last until about 8 a.m. saturday morning by which time i had now been up for 40 hours and was so totally exhausted that i'd fallen asleep in a second. i am glad this last binge is behind me. all stash and paraphenial that went with it are gone. i know that having left any traces what so ever would offer what positive reinforcements i now need to surround myself with. i don't know why i needed to run this thing out to the end in the manner i did. it was calculated, just the way i needed it to be and maby just as i now need to treat my recovery. there was only one scary instance last night when i must've made one mix too strong. i had just fixed and went outside to lay on the couch. for some reason or other the fix had been slow to react and just as i got out there i felt it coming over me in a manner i'd experienced often before which told me i was about to deal with something i hadn't anticipated. all i could do was lay down. my heart started acelerating rapidly and i could feel the pounding in my head. my feet and legs suddenly started to feel cold. i'd had just enough time to bring up the 911 on the cell phone ready to hit it if need be, if i'd even had time to as i've often thought before. good reason for anyone ever to be alone while injecting. this surge that was pounding through my body just seemed to go on and on.i was afraid to twitch even an eyelash thinking any unneccsary use of energy on my part would be the straw that broke the camels back. my heart was being taxed to the limit it seemed. all i could do was just try and maintain a steady shallow breathing. i told myself to stay calm, i did not want to allow myself to go into a state of panic, though there was these fleeting thoughts of just how scared shitless i was. iremembered thinking that this was just supposed to be a relaxing last evening with my addiction. i was thinking how *censored F--> this would be that now would be the time for me to take exit. my heart seemed to start to settle down maby five minutes after the onset. i don't know what it takes to scare the he|l out of an addict enough for them to just throw everything out, for i had not. when the alarm was over i decided that i would still finish using til it was gone. i looked at what had just happened as being part of the territory and took it as one more reason to get away from this drug.
anyway, i had slept for eight hours and have just been mulling around abit. i'm feeling a depression. i miss my boys and know that i need to put some effort forth if i want to see them again soon. right now, i think i will head to the grocery store and stock up on some things which i think will be good for me to eat. my body has been so deprived of healthy food lately. i'm trying not to think to much about my finances. i need to find work soon, but i really don't feel i have the energy to purue anything right now. i had wrote my dad and explained how i *censored F--> up with the coke and that i'd let everything slide. he sent me five hundred which i am very grateful for. things just appear bad in the moment. my neighbours have asked me to paint the exterior of their house. i believe i can be starting that this week coming. it will pay me $2,500.00 which is a little more than what i need to pull me out of my emmediate debt. so i am lucky i suppose. nothing had been lost entirely to me, just moved slightly enough out of reach for me to enjoy.
yes, i intend to go back to see the councillor, i know that i need that support. as well my ex-wife also intends to come to a few sessions as well. i'm glad that she has been involving herself in this as well. i know she cares about my well being as she knows how important my relationship is with my younger boys. i'll talk later some about my older son who is 26. he is the one that i insisted was never allowed to bring drugs into my household while living here. he brought the coke one day and during the remainder of his stay here (i told him he had to move) we used together alot. he never had the same problem as i did. we have lots to discuss now.
yes, i intend to go back to see the councillor, i know that i need that support. as well my ex-wife also intends to come to a few sessions as well. i'm glad that she has been involving herself in this as well. i know she cares about my well being as she knows how important my relationship is with my younger boys. i'll talk later some about my older son who is 26.
This is what stands out to me when I read your latest post. You certainly point out without question the importance of your relationship with your boys.... along with the idea that your Ex is willing to support you in your recovery efforts. I post the following with hope that it will give you the mindset of what a great investment you are making when you allow yourself to obtain the help that you need for your addiction..... I hope I am not out of line, but I wanted to give you a rainbow of hope that will hopefully bring a greater light to what you are working to accomplish here..... so with love ...wishing you the strength and encouragement to paint rainbows.....
Love The Children
Innocent and full of hope each day you set the stage
To show them how to cope with a world that’s full of rage.
They enter this world clean and pure with a trust that won’t compare.
They seem to find contentment just knowing that you there.
It takes a very special love to bring them up you see
To face this very busy world with strength and dignity.
Teach a child to have faith and love and he will learn to give
hope to the less fortunate to see his kindness live.
Take a child who’s been put down and bring him to his feet.
Show him love and tenderness...no better friend you’ll meet.
Our children are our future so it is them we can’t forsake
for to neglect our children would be a grim mistake.
Teach a child that kindness can make a lost heart smile.
That it is really worth the effort to go that extra mile.
A child does not know prejudice unless he’s taught by me and you
so teach unbiased friendliness it’s the best that you can do.
So find time in your heart today to give time to a child.
You’ll see a light shine in his heart for on his life you’ve smiled.
Postscript: Our world ....our future. Our examples mold them to be who they to become. We are as important to them as they are to us, our future our dignity. Love them, cherish them guide them into a beautiful future filled with hope ...faith, kindness and most of all love. -pause4poetry
Quote:
and i haven't seen my 12 and 10 year old boys, whom i love dearly, in three weeks now.
Today is a new day .... Your rainbow awaits..... Wishing you the best .... Good Luck !
_________________ Positives create better results then Negatives
sunday was a strange kind of day. spent much of it by myself. i was doing my best to look forward and not dwell to much on the mess i'd created. most of the day i busied myself in my garden. i remember at one point standing in my room and then suddenly just opening this drawer up where i used to keep half gram flaps. i was thinking, 'i wonder, what's the chance'. but there was nothing there. the thought passed. later in the day i went to home depot and as i was walking back out through the parking lot, again a thought raced into my mind that if i found five hundred bucks just then i'd go buy a half ounce. being the second time that day that my mind had went there i realized just how vunerable i still was. i did have money and could have scored but i didn't let those thoughts rule me. the rest of the day went well. later sunday night i lay on my couch and watched a movie. about 1 a.m. i was ready to go to bed. i couldn't find the remote and started flipping through the cushions. on my second time through the cushions i flipped one up and bang! there was a half gram flap staring at me. my emmediate words out loud were, 'oh, no!' my next thought was to drive down to the exchange and grab a needle, but then i just went right out back to the garbage bin and dug out the bag of needles i'd thrown away saturday morning. five minutes hadn't passed before i had a fix in my arm. while high i was thinking that if that hadn't been in my house i wouldn't be doing it right now. i wondered where my strengths lie. i liked that high right in that moment and knew i could do that whole flap as it was never in me to throw it away. i made up two more fixes and then tried to convince myself to throw the rest away. i came down and did another and then mixed another. there were still two fixes in front of me and i was saying to myself that i needed to prove to myself that i was stronger. right then i just took the loose powder remaining and washed it down the sink before i could change my mind. i did those last two fixes and felt alright about it. there could have been a half dozen or more yet. i slipped and i'm not kicking myself over it. mostly i'm upset that a drug like that was in a place where my kids might have found it. i suspect it had fallen from the pocket of a friend who'd slept on the couch. i just don't need that life. and so yes, tomorrow is a new day after all.
I am 23 and my dad is going through the exact same things you are.
i've been bothered by this most all day. and then tonite delving deeper into the many posts here. i'm feeling that perhaps i've been a little to sure about myself. that maby the road ahead wont be as smooth as what i anticipate. i dont know coke, i tryed to understand all i could about it, but of course how could i know of its affect on me while trying to recover if i haven't been there yet.
keeping my children in mind. i do, with all the love i can muster. the younger ones; a second chance. my oldest son now twenty six, was not raised by me. i did not see him for 16 years and then one day he set out to find his real dad. he has visited out here from back east 2 or 3 years since then. now last year he decided to move here and settle down. he wants to be with his brothers and his dad. he recently got married and is expecting his own child soon. i'll be a grandpa.i am glad to have these three sons of mine in my life. i am honored that they feel so compelled to have me as a part of their life. i am not so bad after all i guess. what does it mean to be a parent. what would a parent do to protect their children.
three years ago in another time and another place i was in a situation where coke was involved. it was not a problem then like it is now. my use was very infrequent. but a problem did arise none the less when a coke dealer who was all wired up laid a bad thumping on me. i wasn't on coke myself and what happened was out of the blue. most everyone in town was afraid of this guy, he was something to stand clear of. i was afraid of him to and as much as i knew i'd done nothing to provoke him, i was willing to just suck up the beating and leave it behind me. but his last words were that if i went to the police about it, he'd cut the f*****g legs off my children. i knew there was no avoiding him a couple of days later. the beating i took was miniscule to his words and i just wasn't going to put fear in me again. and mostly i wanted him to know that he'd said something to a father that should never have been said. when he came at me next with a hunting knife i also knew that i was not going to let him remove me from my childrens life. i did not kill him, but it was three month gone before i was released from jail. a summer lost with my kids. the camping trip we'd so looked forward to gone. three months of phone conversations from jail, my boys asking when they could come over to see me, asking when i'd be back in town to visit. three months of lying to them, telling them i was out of town working. i didn't know if i could ever feel such pain again.
it's harder this time, because although i have been with them physically, i have not been able to give my all because of the drug. i recognized that and felt guilty. i knew i was letting them down, even if they didn't know it themselves. i went to their mother and admitted my addiction. she had no idea. together now we are working to sort it out. this past weekend they spent with their brother. he is awesome with them. he brought the coke around the house five or so months ago. that is where the lies started. and so, again i protected a child of mine. today him and i both know it was wrong on both our parts. a mistake was made. but a family grew tighter together and from this we move forward to better times. i just hope this isn't as hard as what i now think it might be. it shouldn't be tho, should it? i just said that i'd protect my kids from anything.
_________________ I can embrace myself, hold my own hand, love me - but, I can't gaze into my own eyes and feel my own soul lift me up.
i'm feeling that perhaps i've been a little to sure about myself. that maby the road ahead wont be as smooth as what i anticipate. i dont know coke, i tryed to understand all i could about it, but of course how could i know of its affect on me while trying to recover if i haven't been there yet.
Here is an additional resource for support that you may have an interest in checking out....
i took a first step today (yesterday, who keeps track, i've been up near 40 hours now) towards getting my life back.
i wish it was as easy as it sounds. why can't i be an infant right now; the first step a move towards adventure and learning. why do i back step? why do i have to revisit and waste further time. why am i putting my life on hold? why do i let myself feel like a loser today? why do i know that i have never felt more distant from my role as a father? why did i have to make this personal commitment to be honest? the honesty drains me, it depresses me, it forces me to look in the mirror and see a weakness that i am fast growing ashamed of.
it sounded to easy, that i was addressing this addiction for the love of my children. that i did not want to live a life of lies. i wish those were the sole premise for my wanting to be clean. but instead i know that this has nothing to do with my love for my children. it's not about wanting to be honest with everyone around me. it's about me not having love enough for myself. it's about an honesty that i am not sharing with myself. i've wasted time. i've arrived here at this point with a support network i didn't know existed. why did i think this was enough? it probably is, but perhaps i am expecting results to quickly. i've learned alot about this addiction and my role in it. but i have gained nothing yet that would allow me to remain standing if everyone, all at once let go of me.
all day i have thought about saying nothing that would betray my fall. i thought that i would go absent for awhile, coming back when i had substantial time under my belt to say, hey remember the last time i posted.
that is where my addiction wants to take me. it goads me to pretend, to make others think their concerns and efforts were not wasted. it just wants me and i see that. that doesn't cure me, but it helps to know.
last night, a job i so needed to pull myself out of the ?/|\ seemed to be slipping through my fingers. as a matter of fact, a greater percentage of the contract was withdrawn. without the full contract i stood to lose. the only money i had to my name was the five hundred my dad sent so i could pay the rent. but i had spent three hundred of that on some decent food so i could work on getting my health back, i bought a few items that would allow me to continue with my plans in my garden, so that i could optimize what i know is a meditative space in my life. i didn't spend any of it on drugs, feeling that what i had spent would be recouped from this contract. when i thought i lost the full contract, i felt like a loser for hedging my bets on it. would my dad understand or even believe that i needed food and honest livelihood. i had spent money with good intention that my dad had offered, the one time in my adult life, that he could not afford. i betrayed his goodwill.
i felt stupid, incapable and not worthy of a persons help. i felt like an ultimate failure. i felt like i had lost all touch with what it meant to be responsible. i didn't feel like i had anything left to offer anyone. so i scored. i spent 70 dollars of the remaining 200 i had. i spent the next twelve hours copping out.
the contract came back in full.
i told my kid (oldest) what had happened and that i scored. he told me he was pissed off at me, knowing that i wanted to be with his younger brothers again. he told me this after i told him to phone the one source i still had for coke. i thought it better that he tell them real extent of my abuse. i erased this dealers number from my phone, and my son told him it would be best that he didn't call me again.
i thought i was making effort to get away from all this. but still my son was pissed off. i felt abandoned. and so i scored. crack, this time.
i have no courage tonite. i think that tomorrow will be there when i awake and i'll deal with it then. i am hurting bad. i want to see my boys but i am not showing effort. but then too, i know i could lie and say everything is fine and going well. and probably i could see my kids. but i know what it feels like to have them beside me and feel distant. i can lie to the whole F*****G world and probably get away with it. i've had lots of practice. but i want my boys to grow up being real to themselves. i need to practice what i preach.
p.s. i did the twelve step many many years ago for alcoholism. i have swore the twelve step off ever since. someone on this site sent me a link to a cocaine anonymous group here in vancouver. i never would have thought. but then again, i never would have thought that boneless marshmellows would have ever been a thing of my time. i did say to myself tonite that whatever i have been trying has not been working. that is not to say that this forum has not helped. it has been paramount. i said what i know, that i am powerless. the first step. if it wasn't for that first step then i wouldn't be able to admit that. so i phoned and i am going to my first meeting tomorrow nite.
I read your latest post last night late, but saved my post for today as I wanted to have a fresh and clear mind to collectively put my thoughts as I was reading into words.
We all go through periods where we question everything and the answers to ourselves are few ... we feel totally helpless and the more that we think on a particular issue the worse it seems and before long we are balled up in a fetal position exhausted from our effort that we so diligently put forward to right our wrongs begging to be released from the hurt, pain and confusion that we are feeling.
To break this down for you and hopefully put things into a perspective that you can understand in the mix of self doubt and confusion that you are feeling here are some points to consider as I have deleted the emotion which sometimes hinders our ability to think clearly.
You truly have a sincere want to grab a hold of your addiction and take back the choices and stop living your life in a way that has become unbearable in active addiction.
You have made the commitment to change and you are actively working to regain control.
Recovery is as active in your mind as is using.
You have reached out to yet another resource to assist you in battling your addiction, when you began to question your abilities on your own.
You have the want...the desire and clearly the determination and you are acting on your choice of recovery....
You have clear goals in mind, your self respect and your responsibilities to yourself and your children.
You are not a loser as you have not given up ...you are working at winning.
Your financial situation has a better chance of being corrected if your continue your direction towards recovery and it seems to me that you are still actively guiding yourself in that direction.
You did fall, but the biggest shame in falling is not getting back up...... Today is a new day full of new challenges and the possibility for new accomplishments. The meeting that you scheduled in a moment of weakness is a good sign that you are not giving up.
Acknowledge your failings, but BE PROUD of your accomplishments !!!
Wishing you strength ...... today ...tomorrow and always....
_________________ Positives create better results then Negatives
of all the things i've read thus far, this quote perhaps has the most impact on me. i have not yet reached the balance between active recovery and using, the latter still dominates the scale.
i've learned a fair deal since arriving at this site. i've learned because you all allowed me to be here, where i could express my despair and lack of direction and at the same time offer support. and i was welcome to do this while i was using. i did not have to be a winner to join. one of the biggest things i've gained from this site is the reaffirmation of something i known already and have tried to live my life in accordance to. and that is, that by passing judgement on a person is equal to denying their right to self esteem. i was granted acceptance here and as such was allowed the space to look at who i am and not forced to deny my problems out of fear for rejection. i was given space to sow a seed of hope and feel confident enough to know that my experience would be embraced as a learning and not discarded in a street gutter. i was welcomed to shed my denial and humble myself in front of a force greater than i.
i look forward to looking back to this time in my life and being grateful to have found the courage inside myself to fight against this parasite intent on sucking my life from me. and i hope too, that should i come out on top that my presence here in a time great of need is not lost to me.
i want to say also, that tonite i feel somewhat challenged as to how i should feel about a moderators power and choice to erase a post of mine.(Lord, this site holds more punch than the 12 step program, why am i having such a hard time to make denials of what i feel?)
as long as i can remember i have tried to compensate my shortcomings with a sense of humor. making light of less than desirable situations has always allowed me the grace to accept my mistakes. there is little in this life of mine that i am not responsible for. i'd spent an earlier life of constant trouble with the law. my drinking days began in a bar when i was only 15. the owner knew that i was underage but never denied me. i guess it was something about my character. a lot of sh*t went down around that bar in the 12 years i made it my home. i can't begin to remember how many times a night of drinking there landed me in jail and not just overnighters. the last night i ever drank there set in motion a four and a half year prison sentence.
when i got out i had nothing. i came back to a town that had physically changed in my absence. the hotel was gone.
one day for purpose lost now, i was walking down some back street when someone yelled out my name. it was the hotel owner, now retired and looking a little older than when i'd seen him last. he was quite happy to see me and offered me to join him for a beer on his patio. he knew i'd went to prison but held me in high regard for one reason simple.in his words, 'you know, i have to admire you, because not once in all the times that you've been in contact with the law, nor all the times you've went away to jail, you have never once blamed someone else and you've always come back smiling. you never let the system turn you into a mean person'
and so, i have made light of many a bad time in my life and to be honest, i'm glad that i can see humor in the dark. i guess i misinterpeted the meaning behind the topic humor.
TRAGEDY + TIME = COMEDY
i was going to ditch this site earlier on. but i didn't. i lived through 'dealing with emotions 101'
I hope that you eventually will find the balance that is requires to tip the scale in the positive direction that you are seeking.
Quote:
i've learned a fair deal since arriving at this site. i've learned because you all allowed me to be here, where i could express my despair and lack of direction and at the same time offer support. and i was welcome to do this while i was using. i did not have to be a winner to join. one of the biggest things i've gained from this site is the reaffirmation of something i known already and have tried to live my life in accordance to. and that is, that by passing judgement on a person is equal to denying their right to self esteem. i was granted acceptance here and as such was allowed the space to look at who i am and not forced to deny my problems out of fear for rejection. i was given space to sow a seed of hope and feel confident enough to know that my experience would be embraced as a learning and not discarded in a street gutter. i was welcomed to shed my denial and humble myself in front of a force greater than i.
You are welcomed here and I hope that you continue to feel the acceptance that allows you to enter these forums and post without the fear rejection. It would be my hope for the most part that no individual arrives here to judge another, but to find the pieces that they can connect with to make thier journey as unambiguous as it could possibly be.... and I agree with you that by feeling the freedom to come her and vent, correspond and share with an unguarded openness we are not forced to deny our shortcomings, but bring them to the surface where we can assertively face them in order to continue on with our intended journey.
I knew nothing about the deletion of a post till reading your post this morning, although I do recall reading the post that you may be referring to... and do understand the that some do use humour to lighten the blow of serious issues. You may consider the "afterdark" section of the forums here, or the personal journal that is provided on your homepage for sharing similiar expressions. I personally hope you will continue to utilize this site as tool for your recovery efforts.
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