Post subject: My Journey to Recovery... Just Beginning
DAY 1:
I am an addict.
Never in my life did I think I would type those words. I've always been very goal-oriented, tenacious, and driven to be successful in my career, my family and any personal persuit in which I had an interest. Academically, I did well (though I had to work harder than most) and went to one of the top 3 business schools in the country. My salary was over $250k and I built and sold a successful company. I am married with two wonderful daughters and have parents with whom I have a great relationship.
I mention these things not to boast; in fact, just thinking about those things makes me depressed about my current state of addition. It just shows how this drug reaches across a very wide range of people.
I was first introduced to crack about a year ago and have been using (ABusing) for about 9 months. Since I sold my company, I have the cash to do nothing but make a quick visit to a dealer and find a place to take a hit (typically in the car). Though every time I see (saw) him I was taking a big risk, I know that if I were to buy a larger quantity I would smoke the whole thing.
It's hard for me to not look at the floor for a small rock I may have dropped in the middle of the night (I'd smoke downstairs after my wife went to sleep). I've crawled around the floor on my hands and knees with a flashlight looking for 'at least one more good hit.' The guy at the gas station where I buy roses/stems and brillo first thought I was a cop and most other do too until they watch me take a few hits.
I have a Porsche 911 which is in the shop now because I was really f***d up and ran over a curb and damaged the underpart of the car.
I'm afraid to look at my bank statements and see how many times I've gone to the ATM and the amount I've taken from my account. Just thinking about it deeply saddens me as that money could have been used for so many other worthwhile things... however, that is the past and I must learn to look to the future (as I did before).
No one knows I am an addict, except you, though I believe my wife now suspects something of the nature is going on. Like most, I am too ashamed to let anyone know about it. I've visited a therapist who specializes in addiction, among other things, but I couldn't bring myself to talk about this because I don't want any medical record of my current state.
Our house is for sale and I plan to leave this city. I heard from someone that the chances for success are higher if you leave your current environment. If true, that's good because I'm going to need all the help I can get.
I am going to quit, starting today, with no more help than what those in this forum can offer. Failure is not an option.
My children need their father and my wife needs her husband. I haven't been available to them and that has to change.
I haven't read through the forum yet but I'm sure there are plenty good recommendations on how to quit in there. Any tips on how to quit would be appreciated.
Who is John Galt? I am assuming a reference to Ayn Rand novel.
.
I too, had a business and certain trappings that became obstacles to my using. I have been addicted to crack for sixteen years, i state this because it is still difficult to believe it has been part of my life for so long.
The overwhelming theme of the book aforementioned ( personal reliance and individual achievement) is the type of thing that keeps us addicted.
The drug does not have the physical withdrawl syptoms, of say, heroin, so
you wrestle with the illusion of selfwill and being able to do it (quit) on your own.. This hubris has kept me a "functioning addict"
I have done the 12 step route many times and have found that their "terminal uniqueness" approach is something that does not mesh well with my core belief in the individual...
The connection to this site (6 weeks now) seems to be the perfect meld of community and individual, at least for me...
We all know the scenario described with the flashlight, for me it was an eye on the window for the imaginary swat team to enter..
the point is, you can write frankly here, and it does help.
It is painful to admit to being a crack addict to the outside world.
The negative stigma is enough to keep it buried, which would delight our addict to no end.
I wish you good luck. I am glad you are facing this now because closet routines, unchecked, will see you comprimising years if not decades.
Many thanks for your comments. It is amazing how the Internet allows people who otherwise would never meet actually connect with one another. Could you imagine going through the phone book (or dialing at random) and calling people asking, "Are you addicted to crack? If so, let's share and learn from our experiences..."
I'm glad you understood the Ayn Rand reference and emphasis on self reliance and individual achievement. That said, do you believe am I vain in thinking I can do this without professional help?
Given crack doesn't have physical withdrawal symptoms, it seems this is a mind game between me and it (albeit a serious one with a formidable opponent). If so, I should be able to win. I've accomplished a lot when the odds were against me in the past and I can do it again.
Then again, many addicts possess extensive expertise in lying/deceiving themselves and perhaps that is what I am doing... For some reason I feel that since I have this level of self-awareness it increases my chances of success.
However, I still cannot stop looking to the floor for another rock, even though I vacuumed every inch of it last night. I suppose this is a learned habit that will just need to be unlearned. I put my glass stem in the trash compactor so even if I found a good piece, I'd need to go pick up another pipe - I hope that my sanity would return before then.
It will be easy to not take a hit (I never thought 'taking a hit' would refer to something I want) for the next several days as I am going on vacation and only need to avoid seeing my dealer for another 15 hours.
Thanks again for your response. It meant a lot to me.
johngalt,
WHen I saw your post I about fell out of my chair. This is the company's name that my husband works for. They are a book binding company.
It sounds like you are a strong person. I hope you are prepared for the journey you are about to begin. For most of us it is very tough for very long. I have been clean for about 9 weeks now. I only used for about 4 months. I still fight the demons of wanting to use. Not everyday but often. Early on it was easier, now seems tougher but doable. This site and these people help me tremendously. When I feel bad or having urges, I can come here and read or write and usually feel better. Use it. THis will be a tough thing to beat on your own. It is a fight. You definately have to set your mind to doing it at all costs. It will play with you. Be careful and use resources like this if nothing else. You may find you will need more. Not necessarily inpatient, but some support group of some sort.
Wish you wellness and strength.
Thanks for the words of encouragement and congratulations on your 9 week winning streak. I think I've nailed the first 24 hours now and tomorrow morning I hop on a plane for vacation until Sunday. So, I'm in the clear and headed for a 6-day winning streak of my own (I'm going to Mexico and there's no way I want to risk going to jail, especially there).
I've read about people experiencing anxiety and some depression when quitting and how it tempts people to use again to relieve those feelings. That's what I'm experiencing right now... I'm afraid that this time I'll fail.
I'm counting on this site being an invaluable resource to me - and so far it has been. With the help of you and Bill, I made it through the first day.
This is the first day of the rest of my life. Now it's time for me to enjoy it, for real.
p.s., I highly recommend 'Call SMS Blocker', a program for PDA/smartphones that allows me to block calls from my dealer or anyone that I may have bought from in the past. The URL is http://www.winmobileapps.com/device/pocketpc/csb/csb.aspx. I'm sure there are other ways to block unwanted calls but this is the one I found that works very well. My mind is already tempted enough; I don't need my cell phone to add to the challenge.
In keeping up with your post here, I have been trying to figure out a way to approach you on the idea of beginning your recovery process without the support of your family as they are "unknowing" and without further resources that may be available to you. As you have continued to post I see very positive steps that you have taken to try insure your desired success. So that being said, I do respect your desire to try this alone and like Kelly, I hope this site will be a good tool for you to gain much needed information and support. I hope if you do realize that you determine that you require further assistance that you reach out without hesitation.
Congratulations on your first day of success !!!
Wishing you the best this day, tomorrow and always .......
_________________ Positives create better results then Negatives
Last edited by pause4poetry on July 12, 2006 - 03:23 PM; edited 1 time in total
I apologize in advance for the disconectiveness of this post,,, i just accidentally erased everthing i have just written, except your name...painful reconstruction thinking i have just written the magna carta or something,, talk about vanity, anyway here i go again..
Are you vain, can you do this own your own?
Most traditonal treatment settings are 12 step based, at their core is the
"one addict helping another" doctrine.
You have essentially gone to the core by interacting on this site, i would fill in the blanks with readily available resources.
You are correct sir,, this will be fought in the battlegrounds of your mind. Your intellect will both help and harm you in this effort.
I am attaching the following sites:
Rational recovery site (their core belief "addictive voice recognition")
A site which contains a "crackbusters workbook" i know,,,but it also talks about the subconcious and has some good information about patterns etc..
The worksheets attached are from Gene (administrator) referenced manual on Cognitive behavior therapy.
Lastly, you are a smart feller, so i would not be suprised if some of your triggers are subtle and connected to other potentially harmful addictive avenues, like some sort of addict cocktail,, one ingrediant missing can still get your mind racing.... what do i mean?
For me, I used a great deal with women,, it is now intertwined in my addict brain,, meaning sometimes an urge can be started by the thought or sight of a glass pipe, but it can also be started by a sexual impulse..
When i was at Hazelden, the shrink pointed out to me that a high number of coke addicts were also a.d.d.,,makes sense to me as we are multi-taskers with the inablility to focus on a single thing,,, Crack certainly delivers hyperfocus whether it be in mind prior or on the carpeted floor with flashlight after..
johngalt,
I hope you enjoy your vacation. I think it is a great way to get away from all the temptations and really be able to think. It will give you a good start and a chance to remember fun without drugs and the importance of family.
Bill, you are a very resourceful man, thanks for sharing with all of us.
I hope everyone has a good day!
Also thanks for sharing the info on the call blocker. I know this can be a good tool for many.
johngant
You seemed to be very decisive about Mexico..........I can tell you, if your unaware, its more abundant and cheaper. Good luck, but I have went there to get away from it here...... It didnt work for me then... I went again and again, and only learned what local prices are and spoiled me.... hope you know whats up, my friend
needsom1,
Was it necessary to tell him that? If he didn't know he could have gone and enjoyed his family thinking he couldn't get it. Now not only do you tell him how readily available it is, you tell him how cheap. Then you tell him it didn't work for you.From my point, not a good call.
johngant
You seemed to be very decisive about Mexico..........I can tell you, if your unaware, its more abundant and cheaper. Good luck, but I have went there to get away from it here...... It didnt work for me then... I went again and again, and only learned what local prices are and spoiled me.... hope you know whats up, my friend
Despite the fact that Mexico was trying legalize the small quantity of illegal drugs for personal use ( it fails), cocaine, crack cocaine is illegal substances in Mexico (contrary to popular believes). You will get arrested and will be put in jail. For your information Mexican Jails is not a joke, much worse living conditions than US. Even we all know how Mexican legal system is corrupted, it will cost you lump sum of money to get out of jail. Each year hundreds of American tourists got arrested in Mexico and awaiting a trail or sentenced for incarceration.
_________________ Your Admin, Gene. -=People who ask our advice almost never take it. Yet we should never refuse to give it, upon request, for it often helps us to see our own way more clearly. =-
Last edited by Admin on July 14, 2006 - 11:05 PM; edited 1 time in total
I thank all of you for your responses. They are all helpful to varying degrees and much appreciated. Special kudos to Kelly and Bill! I am in Cabos at the moment and have continued the streak to 48+ hours. I did run into someone who was in the position to offer me drugs, but I did not pursue it and kept walking. As I mentioned in the first paragraph of my July 11, 11:15 post, "I'm going to Mexico and there's no way I want to risk going to jail, especially there."
The urge to use may be there, but rational thought can easily overcome the risk/"reward" trade-off here in Mexico. Although the consequences of continuing along this ultimately fatal path are, in my opinion, high in general, they are substantially higher here in Mexico.
If anything, I´m concerned about *not* wanting the drug as much as I thought I would (at least at the moment). The thinking is that perhaps I am surpressing something that will come out in a negative way in the future. However, I would like to think being a part of this on-line community and being as open as possible will help mitigate that...
Separately, I also used alone but frequently with the company of women. There is some intertwining of sexual desires and the drug. With the latter perhaps serving as a trigger for the former. This is something I will need to closely monitor...
We will see. I´m still just enjoying the vacation and mindful to keep a level of self awareness about myself as to not head down the wrong path.
Thanks again for your time, well wishes, and for reading.
Hope, next year in July we will celebrate your 1 clean year birthday.
_________________ Your Admin, Gene. -=People who ask our advice almost never take it. Yet we should never refuse to give it, upon request, for it often helps us to see our own way more clearly. =-
We should definitely explore the addictive combo platter upon your return.
Sex and Cocaine act on the same part of the brain, thus creating pathways difficult to monitor in the usual manner.
I am glad you are feeling safe, i think you should be a little guarded about you lack of "using" desire,,, one thing about my addict is that it will not waste the energy to "take over the helm" unless their is opportunity or as
one counselor mentioned to me, in one of my many treatment vacations,
"just because you are in here for 28 days and feeling safe, doesn't mean your addict has left, he/she is in the parking lot doing pushups, waiting for your release"
As I mentioned earlier, I am concerned about *not* wanting the drug at the moment. Earlier today I had a guy walk along side of me offering, repeatedly, some stuff that was ´far better than what you get in the states.´ Ironically, the US is a big importer from Mexico, so it seemed unlikely (though in my case, irrelevant) whether it was better than what is in the US.
Today I experienced what I felt was true power. The power of NO. Though I thought my resolve to not give in was clear from the tone of my voice, he was persistent in offering. Oddly, in the end when I was near my hotel, he ended up showing me where the English-speaking NA group was located and wished me well.
That said, I am not kidding myself into thinking this is a real test. That will come when I am weak, tired, depressed, alone, and wishing to just ´feel good´for the moment. I consider this a small test, one of many, that is on the long road ahead. It is, nonetheless, a victory (albeit a modest one). The war is frequently won one battle at a time.
My mind has tried to screw with me by rationalizing, ´well, a REAL test is to take a good hit and see if I can stop after only one.´ Even though I haven´´t even been clean for a week. Actually that thought crossed my mind a couple times as that guy was walking alongside me earlier today in the streets of Mexico.
In any event, I look forward to learning more from this forum through the wisdom shared throughout it. I wish the best to all those who are reading and again appreciate your time.
Warm regards,
John Galt
Last edited by johngalt on July 17, 2006 - 02:06 AM; edited 1 time in total
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