I'm dead serious about this: if you find out your cell provider is going to charge you to change cell numbers, let me know the price and I'll pay it (via PayPal, so all I'll need is an e-mail address).
It has been such a HUGE relief to know only a handful of people will be at the other end when my cell rings. Also, make sure to call the cell company (probably *611 will do the trick) and have them block your phone # for all calls). If you take a step back and call them, you don't want them to get your number again. Also, if they don't answer, then you need to make the decision to take a step back (use) again...
To be honest, I am really eager to get high again... I've met some amazingly attractive dealers who are more than happy to use with me and the 'drug/sex' cocktail is still one that haunts -- and it is a haunting, not a something positive as it can truly f'up my life -- time and time again.
My shrink tells me I am really addicted to the excitement, thrill, etc., of doing things illegal and getting away with it more than the drug itself. Part of me agrees with her... I have an intense desire to make them pay for ripping me off, stealing my Glock(s), stealing my Volvo (which I got back because the *dull* got pulled over and they impounded the car), stealing my money (one stole my credit card are racked up a $1,147 bill), and generally revealing to everyone else what a *dull* I was...
Anyway, the shrinks recommendation was my priority was to basically stay out of trouble. I bought a new handgun (a Herstal FN, which is superior to the Glock stolen from me with a laser site), smoke grenades, etc. and basically need to sell them to keep myself out of trouble.
I'm no good to anyone if I'm in jail or consuming all my time building a defense against charges, even bogus ones.
So, that's it for now. And if you haven't changed that #, do it now. If $ is the issue, send me the bill and I'll gladly pay it. It's given me such piece of mind... things are still a struggle... but knowing only friends and family will be at the other end of that telephone line when it rings is an enormous relief!
My shrink tells me I am really addicted to the excitement, thrill, etc., of doing things illegal and getting away with it more than the drug itself. Part of me agrees with her... I have an intense desire to make them pay for ripping me off, stealing my Glock(s), stealing my Volvo (which I got back because the *dull* got pulled over and they impounded the car), stealing my money (one stole my credit card are racked up a $1,147 bill), and generally revealing to everyone else what a *dull* I was...
Let me collaborate on this one. So you have associated trill, drill, excitement and vendetta with masking pleasure of taking drug?
I would tell: there are many excitements in life besides that. Just to give you an example: try to run against the train shouting: "I will run you over!". You wouldn't do it, right?; under the drug you may. Why? Mind altering substances don't change you, they change your view of surroundings. I believe, that you are highly motivated person, and sometimes you are in need to relieve a pressure. However, as I point before; drug is vailing and masking reality, but not taking care of the situation and actually making the situation much worst because of all consequences accompanying drug use.
Now, when pressure builds up, try to do different things:
I assume you like weapons, right? Than go to a shouting range. It will relive pressure, but also will keep you in order to take care of the situation.
_________________ Your Admin, Gene. -=People who ask our advice almost never take it. Yet we should never refuse to give it, upon request, for it often helps us to see our own way more clearly. =-
I have spoken at length with the shrink about channeling the anger I have, which I believe is largely misdirected the people I've been associating with (I am mad at myself for the number of poor decisions I've made that placed me in these situations -- they couldn't have stolen anything from me if I wasn't around to begin with).
The shrink and I got into this highly detailed discussion about what is "power" and among the others, who possesses the greatest amount? Big surprise as to the answer: I do. But real power also lies in the ability to walk away, knowing that should a real conflict take place, I would 'win.'
I have the power to walk away and have exercised it before. Walking and staying away is real power.
In business school I knew two former Navy Seals and you could never tell they had that sort of training. Very unassuming, easy-going, etc.
Quote:
As Sun -Tzu says, "The art of warfare, the highest excellence, is to subdue the enemy's army without fighting at all."
I am not a gun-lover, though I have found myself more comfortable knowing one is available should I need it. I've studied Hapkido, a Korean form of martial arts, and that is 85%+ defensive moves that can only be implemented once attacked. The more proficient I became in Hapkido the calmer I felt (meditation is one aspect of practicing the art, which helps also).
I gave it up about a month after turning to crack. Over the past 50 days, I've smoked only 4 of them (in a row, the same relapse). I think returning to Hapkido may be the best way to release this anger and move onto more positive things. My 6 yr old daughter went to classes and practiced Hapkido as well. It's something positive we used to do together. I think it's time to return...
Going to a shooting range and getting additional training on firearm safety, and shooting off 100 rounds or so, would also feel pretty good (and be more constructive - and less expensive - than the alternative).
FOR SOME REASON I REALLY WANT TO SMOKE AGAIN. I put pictures of my beautiful daughters as the background on my cell phone to help prevent me from doing this sort of thing, but today is very difficult nonetheless.
I need to go back to the archives of this post and find the crackbusters workbook and figure out what to do (rather, how to deal with this, *what* to do - or not do, rather - is obvious).
This is the first time in a while I feel like I am 'under attack.' Part of my mind keeps tempting me, reminding me of what it feels like, etc., while the other reminds me of my family, what I really want from life, and how smoking crack is completely inconsistent with these things.
I just noticed I joined this Forum 1 day after Independence Day... ironic.
I had a second relapse. The CrackBusters Workbook mentions time and time again about not letting thoughts of crack even enter your mind. I think trying to talk myself through it (out of it) only served to continue to feed the monster. That was a mistake.
As I spend more and more time away from this drug, I find that I am happier and happier. Upon the advice of the shrink (and others), I am systematically eliminating everything connected to using the drug. Regrettably, that included ending a friendship with a woman who was my psydo-sponsor. I need to get a real NA sponsor so next time I'm at a point like I was Nov 6, I can talk with someone who may be better positioned to truly help.
Obviously I'm still accountable for the relapse (which thankfully was for about 12 hrs); but I need to surround myself with the best help available.
flaggin, any luck with getting that cell # changed?
flaggin, any luck with getting that cell # changed?
not yet, i'm a procrastinator.
Quote:
not letting thoughts of crack even enter your mind.
i had a clear observation of that last night. i had relapsed for a day or two at the end of the week. yesterday i just stayed in the house all day recuperating. i occupied most of the day by spending time on this site. i felt ok. sure of myself and had intended to do some grocery shopping. but somewhere along the line the thought of scoring and using entered my mind.i became so aware of this intrusion and the ensuing battle that was playing out in my mind.
i believe that i was prepared to let the drug win. i got up from my desk and walked toward the bedroom to get dressed. but just like that i detoured, flopped on the couch, threw the sleeping bag over my entire body (hiding) and said 'im tired', and that was that. i'm thankful that i was able to win.
i'm finding that my triggers are including having money at hand and being tired.
i must read crack busters, havent found it yet. could someone steer me to it.
Quote:
I think trying to talk myself through it (out of it) only served to continue to feed the monster. That was a mistake.
yes, i think i am finding that trying to rationalize the thought is a mistake. it's as tho the drug attempts to wear you down during the course of dialogue. i guess for me, by getting on the couch and shutting myself down, i effectively ended that dialogue. the problem is i can't just end it like that all the time. if i had been out on the street when that was happening i think i would have lost for sure.
john, good to see you back.
_________________ I can embrace myself, hold my own hand, love me - but, I can't gaze into my own eyes and feel my own soul lift me up.
These are the pitfalls
that eventually become the stepping stones for actual sobriety.
The biggest problem facing an addict
who has decided it's time to quit, is not realizing
they will fall at least once, if not time and again,
before and in order for sobriety to take place.
And because this is not a concept they have embraced,
the falls become a weakness inside the mind of an addict,
a means which can push them deeper into their addiction,
before they attempt to try and dig themself back out again.
John, I think it's safe to see, changing your cell number,
isn't a means to keep you from getting high.
While the effort in your action is notable, it is not enough.
While I am not downplaying triggers in any way,
you need to realize, the biggest trigger is self.
Someone had once wrote here...
and it made me laugh because it's so true,
*Fried chicken can be a trigger*
Sobriety isn't simply refraining from using.
It is a new attitude, changing people, places and things.
You can't expect to be sober and continue on
in the same manner, in same places with the same people.
I know nothing of this Myth buster workbook or whatever but,
I believe it is not doing justice to an addict by implying,
not to let the thought of crack enter your mind.
One, it will, so you need to deal with the fact,
that crack will be a part of your thought process,
running from it isn't helping you to deal with it,
trying to forget crack isn't what you want to do
For me, I will ALWAYS give crack the respect it deserves.
I will become foolish the day I stop doing that.
You've heard the saying....
Good habits are habit forming too.
If you are spending too much time trying to fight off thoughts of using,
or find it relatively easy to begin acting on your urges,
It is because you haven't put into effect,
a plan of action to counter attack for when these times arise.
The thought WILL NOT stop, the urges WILL NOT stop...
They'll subside after time and be easier to deal with,
the more you face them and counter attack them.
But, here's the tricky part.
This is where you really need to be honest with yourself.
Not with me, or other posters, or your family or friends,
with yourself....
Are you ready and willing, to stop getting high?
Not...Do you want to stop, but, willing & ready to stop.
I'll tell you why the difference is important.
There is not one addict, I believe,
that does not want to STOP getting high.
But, that doesn't mean they are ready & willing to do so.
If you are not ready and willing, but trying to stop,
every time you use will work against you, fooling you into believing,
you can't stop, your a loser, your weak, why bother.
Making it that much harder to know when you not only want to stop,
but, that you are at a point of being ready and willing to do so.
John, I think this is something
you might like to do some soul searching on.
Peace, Lynn
_________________ If you can not stand for something, you will fall for everything
But real power also lies in the ability to walk away, knowing that should a real conflict take place, I would 'win.'
Real power also lies within
"knowing what you are capable of,
reaching out and grabbing a hold,
and seeing it through until you
are standing precisely where you
would like to be."
I have not walked in you shoes John,
so I can only imagine what you are
experiencing at this point, however
I can continue to encourage you to
never cease trying until you are
standing precisely where you want to be,
in life, in family and withinn yourself....
Wishing you Strength, Peace and many Blessings....
_________________ Positives create better results then Negatives
Thanks for the words of encouragement. The timing couldn't be better as I feel awful. It’s just one of those days where I am having a hard time seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. I see the shrink today, so hopefully she can help me get out of this ?/|\. And it makes me very happy to read of flaggins success.
Quote:
And because this is not a concept they have embraced,
the falls become a weakness inside the mind of an addict,
a means which can push them deeper into their addiction,
before they attempt to try and dig themselves back out again.
Lynn, very well put. I went a whole month without using and have been beating myself up for the relapse(s) ever since. I suppose I felt that I had a decent plan of action to minimize my chances of using and, after a small success, was not fully prepared for the inevitable failure on the path to recovery.
I suppose two steps forward and one back is still progress.
The whole notion of do you want to stop, ready to stop, willing to stop, etc., is lost on me, however. It appears to be a distinction without a difference. How can one truly know if they are ready and willing but through their actions? I honestly do not want to get high because as each day passes it is becoming more and more painfully clear the consequences associated with it. Replacing the thoughts of the short-lived pleasures of the drug with the substantial risks of continuing to do so, in my opinion, is very important. Especially since these thoughts may well be with me for the rest of my life (another very discouraging thought).
Anyone can say, "Yes, I'm ready and willing to stop. No question about it." In the final analysis, the only way to know if they mean it is by how they live their lives. I suppose I'm struggling with the because I'm having a hard time reconciling it with the concept of "one day at a time." And
The shrink makes it very clear, as Lynn pointed out, that the plan must include physical, logistical, fail safes, etc., in order to be successful in breaking this addiction.
I would not discount the value of changing the cell number. No dealers have called me since I changed the number (eliminated one trigger). I also have it so my caller ID does not show up when I place calls. I've shredded all copies of numbers of dealers. By changing cell numbers, I no longer have access to old statements, which have those numbers on them. Am I proposing this is some shortcut to recovery, of course not. But it is one piece of the recovery plan.
And one element of the plan is eliminating triggers. Your mind will come up thoughts of the drug all by itself. I don’t want to help it by providing reminders.
I did not do the CrackBusters workbook justice in my last post. Bill40 pointed it out to me and included the URL a while back. Believe on page 2 or 3. If it’s not there I’m happy to e-mail it to you. As I haven’t made it very far through it (it’s about 130 pgs long), I can’t fully endorse it. But from what I’ve seen so far it appears to have a lot of good ideas. Here is the structure of the book:
The Crack Busters Workbook consists of four major parts:
Part I - KNOWLEDGE INSIGHT INFORMATION, provides knowledge and insight into the most well known and predictable ways that Crack keeps you coming back for more, along with a look at the most common negative consequences of Crack abuse.
Part II - OVERCOMING DENIAL SELF-ANALYSIS, is an effort to prod you into examining the impact of Crack addiction on your life in particular. A confrontational tone is set to challenge you into facing your problems
honestly. Self-analysis exercises help you develop a personal blueprint of your strengths and weaknesses.
Part III - DEVELOP HABITS THAT WILL HELP YOU RESIST represents the core of the book. You begin training in the essential behavior modification techniques that will help you to resist Crack. You will learn how to develop your willpower for example. You will learn how to practice thought control and how to build up a burning desire to recover. In addition, Part III contains the all important discussion on how to work with your Higher Power. (You may wish to turn to the section on your Higher Power right after reading through Part I.)
Part IV THE THREE MOST IMPORTANT AREAS TO WORK ON contain a more involved discussion of the most important areas to work on to overcome Crack addiction: Cash Control, resisting cues and triggers with attention control, and identifying and working on your times and patterns of weakness.
Here’s one more piece to give you a better idea of what it’s based on:
The material in this book comes from the addicts themselves. I interviewed folks addicted to Crack from around the country, individuals from a wide range of socio-economic backgrounds: Streetwise addicts to Wall Street executives with a Crack problem. They were interviewed in therapy and counseling sessions in Crack dens and on street corners.
I asked them: "What is going on?" "Why is this drug so compulsive?" "What can be done to assist recovery?" "What has worked for you?"
While individual experiences varied widely, common threads began to emerge. Each and every one said things like: "Once you take that first hit, you will continue using until your money or supply runs out. You make endless excuses to yourself to rationalize getting high. The fear and paranoia of the crash is inevitable. If you allow yourself to think about the drug, you will be compelled to use it."
The aim of this book is to convince the addict, that when properly informed about the nature of his addiction, he hasthe resources within himself to overcome this problem.
Again, the material comes from addicts and is primarily for addicts. The Crack Busters Workbook is a readable book, not a dry clinical study or scholarly research report. Authoritative quotes, sources and footnotes were deliberately omitted to avoid encumbering the recovering addict struggling through the text.
The content and approach may be easily verified. The material has been carefully researched. All assertions relating to cocaine habituation fall within the generally acknowledged body of facts on the subject.
Folks suffering from the problems of addiction possess a particularly sharp sense of judgment when it comes to discerning the relevance and credibility of material aimed at their problems. Individuals dependent on Crack who have reviewed the book recognize, understand and relate to what is presented.
i've started reading the crackbusters. plan to print a copy off so i can take it with me. that is one thing i find most interesting is that you can not think about crack, or you will likely use. true enough, but difficult, when it surrounds you. i'm isolating in my house again when not at work, not the best thing either, but at least i'm not using and am getting some time in on the site here.
keep at it john and hope your appt goes well. i see my councillor again this friday.
_________________ I can embrace myself, hold my own hand, love me - but, I can't gaze into my own eyes and feel my own soul lift me up.
Post subject: Re: My Journey to Recovery... Just Beginning
Buddy,
I am new here.
Story seemed interesting,then I couln't friggin rread it becuse you CAN 't frigging write.
Caps
puntuation
lablablabla
anyways,wish all of us recovery!
johngalt wrote:
DAY 1:
I am an addict.
Never in my life didI haven't read through the forum yet but I'm sure there are plenty good recommendations on how to quit in there. Any tips on how to quit would be appreciated.
Did flaggin and John,
Just wondering where you get the book sounds interesting.Keep up the good work flaggin,keep trying.John you can do it were all rooting for ya.Take care.
Diane
Story seemed interesting,then I couln't friggin rread it becuse you CAN 't frigging write
deer Crap!
thaat is becus evureething gude we lurn ghosts out thu windoo wen wee yuse crak kokane.
lablablabla
anyways, wish you recovery as well, if that is what you're here for.
regards bill
_________________ I can embrace myself, hold my own hand, love me - but, I can't gaze into my own eyes and feel my own soul lift me up.
Caps and puncuation are just the lining, the true value of the words can be found by reading between the lines here.
If you have come here seeking help, you have found a good place for information and support. I hope you stick around long enough to find the value of the words that have been written here.....
Wishing you Strength and Peace ....
_________________ Positives create better results then Negatives
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