It's been a while since I've checked in and wanted to see how others were doing. I can see 'keepitreal' is keeping with her perpetually negative attitude (and I would expect nothing less).
I've spent a lot of time with the therapist learning more about how absolutely phenomenal I am at beating myself up and then letting that feed on itself to the point of being self-destructive. This, in turn, actually gives more something for which I should be ashamed of and then look for ways to boost my self-esteem - albeit in the most shallow of ways.
When the therapist called up an in-patient treatment center during a session, it was a real eye-opener for me. Odd, there are so many other things more dramatic (e.g., having car stolen and trying to get home at night, feeling the need to buy a Glock with laser site for safety, etc.) you'd think one of those things would have qualified as a sufficient eye-opener.
Nope. It was the realization I really was about to lose everything I really valued. And yes, that includes my wife and daughters.
Personally, I don't give a rat's a$$ what keepitreal believes or doesn't believe. I can't control that. I can control whether I'm going to use today or not - and today I choose 'not.'
I went through a brief period where I felt the hubris, the kind that regularly spews out of keepitreal's mouth, when I had gone for a fair amount of time w/o using. What helped me is that I frankly have been too busy with work and family to spend time thinking about using. Sure, it still crosses my mind, especially when I drive past certain streets, see certain cars, or walk into certain parts of the basement.
Anyway, I need to go. I want to see how others are doing.
When the therapist called up an in-patient treatment center during a session, it was a real eye-opener for me.
Is this the same therapist who was h#ll bent
on you doing 90/90?
And, why the phone call if you were not using and hadn't been?
johngalt wrote:
It was the realization I really was about to lose everything I really valued. And yes, that includes my wife and daughters.
Why is it you have different reasons for quitting,
except for...I didn't want to use anymore?
keepitreal wrote:
So, I'm more interested to hear
how you've suppressed your sexual appetite,
that you are able to stay away from the sh!t.
johngalt wrote:
I've been clean less than a year; the thought of relapsing after 5 frankly scares the living sh!t out of me.
None of this sh!t is easy. And knowing you can stumble for reasons you don't know why,
truly is frightening to me.
Come on now...it can't be all that hard for you...
After all, if you can defy the odds and logic,
after only 17 days clean...BEFORE your realization...
johngalt wrote:
I found a rock likely with a street value of about $75... I couldn't help but taste it to insure it was the real thing. It was... The thought of running to the gas station and getting the necessary tools to make the best use of it crossed my mind... Once, maybe twice.
I took the rock and put it in my pocket. After they were finished with the car, as I was driving home I took great pleasure in throwing it out the window.
surely, you can handle the bewitching hours
_________________ If you can not stand for something, you will fall for everything
Unfortunately it appears most of the posts were gutted before I had a chance to .pdf them... Well, can't argue Gene didn't offer more than enough time for me to do it.
Recently the temptation to use has risen to the level of being almost overwhelming. After staying clean for what seems to me an eternity (though there were many times that was measured in weeks, now it's months), I was really hoping (wishing) this would addiction would leave me the f*ck alone.
Parents live in San Francisco and looking to move there. Had business meetings, brought the family, and live was great. Didn't drive by a parking lot or apartment complex that stirred up (triggered) memories of how things were screwed up before. They're in the suburbs so it's not like meeting up with a dealer just a couple miles away. I just came home last night (red-eye flight) and realize the environment has a big impact on me.
I'm in pain and don't see how sarcasm is being 'on top of things' as usual. And though perhaps you enjoy living vicariously through others, not discussing my sex life solely for your benefit.
But you do raise a good point (I'm human, have weaknesses, and pray for strength as so some others): As I re-read that May 9th post, it sounds as though my meeting with the therapist in the session where she called the rehab center occurred somewhat recently. I recall flaggin and I calling it quits within a week of one another and I made it several months at least. Though did have a relapse for about 2-3 days.
In any event, I'm praying to make it through this period. Part of me believes that since professionally my life is coming back together (big surprise, don't spent time getting high and your thoughts become clearer and in a better position to begin pulling things back together) --- that on some level I may be trying to sabotage it due to a lack of feeling of self worth.
[And Lynn, please cut me some slack on this, it may sound and smell like BS, but this is real or seems and feels very real to me right now; words of wisdom or prayers is what I need most... I can't afford to not be at my best and need all the help I can get.]
Even on PST time it's starting to get late. I'm going to check in and see how couple others are doing and call it a night...
Best regards,
John
(big surprise, don't spent time getting high and your thoughts become clearer and in a better position to begin pulling things back together)
that's the key john. been wondering how you were doing. good to see you drop in and update. ya it must be going on five months now crack free for me. never thought i'd see the day. just keep trying man, you'll do it. gets easier with time. lifes problems however continue as always.
_________________ I can embrace myself, hold my own hand, love me - but, I can't gaze into my own eyes and feel my own soul lift me up.
Unfortunately it appears most of the posts were gutted before I had a chance to .pdf them... Well, can't argue Gene didn't offer more than enough time for me to do it.
All posts intake, I just changed layout from 10 to 50 posts per page.
Save you time, see attached.
_________________ Your Admin, Gene. -=People who ask our advice almost never take it. Yet we should never refuse to give it, upon request, for it often helps us to see our own way more clearly. =-
Glad to see you are back and that you continue to fight for your life.
We do indeed, all have weaknesses and strengths. Glad to see you are trying to put your focus on using your strengths to improve your life, and the strengths of others to support your efforts.
[And Lynn, please cut me some slack on this, it may sound and smell like BS, but this is real or seems and feels very real to me right now; words of wisdom or prayers is what I need most... I can't afford to not be at my best and need all the help I can get.]
The Thrill of Temptation
"Be on your guard; stand firm in the faith; be men [and women] of courage; be strong."1
Kent Edwards wrote how the tuna fish "were running for the first time in forty-seven years only thirty miles off Cape Cod."2 They were apparently biting furiously so many would-be tuna fishermen in their excitement to catch a large tuna ignored Coast Guard warnings. What they didn't realize was that the problem didn't lie in hooking a tuna but landing it in the boat.
One boat, the Christi Anne, capsized while battling with a large tuna. The same day another boat, Basic Instinct, met with the same fate. And Official Business was swamped when trying to land its catch. The tuna pulled the boat below the surface of the water.
What these fishermen didn't realize was the power of large tuna fish. That's pretty much like what temptation does to us. At first it can seem very exciting and enticing but once we take the bait, we're the ones that get hooked and it can quickly overpower us and pull us under.
Suggested prayer: "Dear Lord, please help me to be always on guard so that I will avoid the lure of temptation and not get hooked or entrapped by it. Thank you for hearing and answering my prayer. Gratefully in Jesus' name, amen."
1. 1 Corinthians 16:13 (NIV).
2. Kent Edwards. Cited in Encounter magazine (ACTS Australia), January 2007.
I Love You
In My Thoughts and Prayers
Lynn
_________________ If you can not stand for something, you will fall for everything
"When you are on your beds, search your hearts and be silent."1
Melody Beattie in her book, The Language of Letting Go, emphasizes the importance of contemplating what is on your mind first thing when you wake up in the morning? What is it in that half-asleep, half-awake place? Are you troubled about something? Is there some responsibility you have neglected and it is bothering you? Is it a goal you've wanted to start but have kept putting it off? Is it an unhealthy relationship you are in and you know you need to get out of? Is it a destructive habit or sin that you feel convicted about?
Very often what is on your mind at this time is coming from your inner self, your unconscious mind. It is revealing an issue you need to deal with. Listen to that "inner voice" and do what you know you need to do about it that is troubling you or motivating you. Don't put it off. Take care of it each day.
It can help to have a pad and pen at your bedside and the first thing each morning write down what is on your mind as you awaken. This is often a matter one needs to pray about and then act on.
Suggested prayer: "Dear G0D, as your Word suggests, help me to learn to listen carefully to what my heart is saying and what you might be saying to my heart, and give me the wisdom and courage to act accordingly. Thank you for hearing and answering my prayer. Gratefully, in Jesus' name, amen."
1. Psalm 4:4 (NIV).
<)))><
_________________ If you can not stand for something, you will fall for everything
A very belated thank you, Lynn. I checked out several Bible software packages and found "The Bible Collection" to be most helpful. You can choose to reald the shall nots or the should not... Commentaries helpful as well...
I had a respectable winning streak going there -- clean 4-5 months - though not NA 'clean' as I enjoyed wine among other alcoholic drinks... Was I self medicating? Perhaps some. I have an excessive amount of Zanax and if self-medication was the goal there's a quick, discrete, legal, approach for me - which I have didn't take (though maybe consult with the Dr. about doing so when anxious and feelings of wanting to get high are strong...).
I fell 1) I choose to get high [poor decision]; and 2) Because I let my guard down... Lynn, you were right on the mark. Became complacent. How many stories to I have to read on this site to realize IT will wait 5 yrs if necessary to strike again??!
I knew eventually,
the prodigal son would return home...
I just didn't expect it to take so long.
johngalt wrote:
A very belated thank you, Lynn. I checked out several Bible software packages and found "The Bible Collection" to be most helpful. You can choose to reald the shall nots or the should not... Commentaries helpful as well...
What are you saying here,
or rather, telling me/us John?
When you mention,
being able to choose between,
reading the shall not or the should not...
by that, what you are saying is,
choosing between the grammatical translation of scripture.
Newer versions of the Bible, as opposed to, later versions.
In any case, back to my first statement...
Unless you are seeking out G0D,
in the first place and to begin with,
the context of the Bible, is really of no help.
With that said...
what intentions lead you to look into various Bible software?
what were you hoping to achieve, once you found something?
what have you achieved since, now that you have something?
johngalt wrote:
I had a respectable winning streak going there -- clean 4-5 months - though not NA 'clean' as I enjoyed wine among other alcoholic drinks... Was I self medicating? Perhaps some. I have an excessive amount of Zanax and if self-medication was the goal there's a quick, discrete, legal, approach for me - which I have didn't take (though maybe consult with the Dr. about doing so when anxious and feelings of wanting to get high are strong...).
I fell 1) I choose to get high [poor decision]; and 2) Because I let my guard down... Lynn, you were right on the mark. Became complacent. How many stories to I have to read on this site to realize IT will wait 5 yrs if necessary to strike again??!
O.K., 4-5 months would mean,
you used again, somewhere around April or May.
This is November, you make no mention of,
a current *winning streak*, since breaking the old one,
yet, by stating you fell and choose to get high,
implies you are not currently using, but just f-cked up that once.
So, what's your story?
Have you been continuing to use or occasionally using,
or, by your logic, continuing to fall or occasionally falling?
Again, placing the blame of using,
on some other outside factors.
What was it that caught you off guard,
because you let your guard down?
"IT" patiently waits for YOU to strike.
"IT" waits for YOU to come back.
You'll stop using for a bit but,
you don't want to quit for good...yet.
Fighting off our desire to use for a length of time,
as we struggle with being sober....
is totally different from...
The struggles we must face at times,
because we have willingly chosen sobriety.
Why do you think you are continuing to have,
strong feelings to use while you are clean, months later?
Your fight isn't with crack,
it's with yourself.
Cognitive Dissonance
"Temptation is the pull of man's own evil thoughts and wishes ...
that lead to evil actions."
How true it is that "what the mind dwells on the body acts on!"
Consider, for example, how temptation works. A seemingly innocent thought comes to mind from anywhere of a number of directions or, at times, from seemingly nowhere.We decide (mostly unconsciously) to dwell on that thought and, as we do, it hooks our emotions; and the more we concentrate on that thought, the stronger we feel about it, and the stronger we feel about it, the more we think about it—and then we begin to visualize in our mind what we desire and want to do. And then, unless we make a conscious choice to stop thinking about it, we are just as likely to give in to and act out the temptation.
The battle is won or lost in the mind before we ever act out the temptation.
One of many dangers in consistently giving in to temptation is that, as another has pointed out,
"If we don't live the life we believe, we will end up unhappily believing the life we live."
We do this because as long as we don't live consistently with what we believe,
our mind experiences what is called "cognitive dissonance"; that is, mental disharmony.
Because we can't tolerate this mental conflict,
we change our beliefs to match our behavior and then
rationalize and justify what we do—an extremely dangerous path to follow.
The end result is what the Bible calls having a dead conscience
which ultimately leads to death—spiritual death.
Welcome home Pretty Boy
Peace, Love & Strength
Lynn
_________________ If you can not stand for something, you will fall for everything
Lynn,
Yes, I return more humbled than ever. You have a number of questions and I don't have a lot of time, but I've been using for about 1.5wks. In my mind, this is a big step back. I did mean that the software allows one to read the bible allows one to choose whichever version of the Bible helps them most. It also has a morning and evening reading which I try to study.
Yes, i am seeking Lord; I've learned a lot and find I re-read the same passage at different points in time and get something different from it from one time to the next.
I had some mechanisms in place that helped me when thoughts of using entered my mind, but over the past couple months have become more lax about adhering to them. I have the call-block software on my new phone now so
When I refer to "IT" I mean that part of my mind that is weak but very clever and a master of self-deception. The part of me that, whether I like it or not, will always be a part of me.
The desire to use was triggered by a call from a dealer. I called him once quite some time ago and didn't have # block on...
You slipped but don't slip back into darkness till it traps you. Remember what it was you told yourself and that you made up your mind to do and get back on that road.
I slipped too but if we can't learn from our mistakes we could drown in em.
You can do it this I am sure of.
Btw
All this talk about tuna is getting me hungry ...
This is my first time on this site (or any site for crackers). I read all of the beginning comments and skimmed the last half. First
My name is Jynx and I am a crack addict, I have been clean for 14 months. I used for a year then went to treatment and spent the next 9 months trying and trying and failing and failing. I finally packed up my family and moved. That was 14 months ago.
I am going to just type the most important thoughts I had while reading.
You are an addict
You need to go to treatment
You need to admit your addiction (to someone I suggest your wife)
You can't beat addiction if you don't own it
Don't let your shame destroy you, we made a mistake, we can forgive ourselves and our loved ones will forgive us.
Once an addict always an addict and the world is full of us. We are not the minority anymore. Embrace you addiction it is part of you and it will make you a better and stronger person. Living in recovery is a new experience and a wonderful life. Life is best when kept simple and it doesn't get much simplier than "One day at a time"
Depression, Anger (mostly over being judged), lack of ambition, nightmares, anxiety, shame, financial ruin are the down side of crack and we give it all up for just that first hoot! Think about it (in simple terms) The only one that's any good is the first one and noone can stop after one, then we chase, we scetch, we carpet crawl, we justify, and then we suffer mentally until finally sleep overcomes us.
So the next time you get the urge play it all the way through and eventually the mind realizes how ugly it is, and recovery becomes easier.
Addiction is not something anyone asks for, we made a mistake, learn from it grow from it and then it was not all for not
May your higher power guide you and give you strength
Home
Contact Us
Search
Chat Rooms
Forum
Disclaimer & Policies
Forum FAQ
Search
Usergroups
Preferences
Members List
Fun Store
Watched Topics
Sub-Forum
)))><
