As addicts and s.o. of addicts we know what we need to do, but lack the follow-thru..
I propose we use this space as a way to state what we need to do and allow our fellow sufferers to check, push, advise and monitor our progress until completion of specific task..
eg. i plugged a big gap in my using cycle by ripping up my remaining checks the other week,,it has prevented me from binges on at least two occassions,,,
I need to do the same to my credit cards, i can still write down the information for use in online purchases, but having them in my wallet makes the temptation to great for a.t.m withdrawl-- i could use some help making sure i stick to this pledge. I have known i have needed to do this for some time, but just can't seem to part with them.
Next Wednesday is payday, i will actually have a postive balance in my checking acct due to aforementioned action.
this scares me as my addict is already running scenes of hotel rooms and a binge party.
i need the oversight to turn these pledges into meaningful actions.
i have noticed thru the posts, that we all have good intentions (both addicts and loved ones), but we are resolved one minute and lost the next..
I think we all know how tough it is to stay the course, i think we need to be accountable and vulnerable.
I have made many references to a frying pan upside the head,
if it means that i can stop playing games with myself and get clean,,,then i offer up my head.
Please post the things you want or have to do, but are having a hard time completing or sticking to.
i.e. - letter, contract, meeting, phone call, bank account,
whatever.
...and yes Bill..... I too fall into the catagory of needing to hold myself accountable on things that I wish and desperately want to follow through on.... hope to add more to this post soon.....
and as for the hugg ..... Thanks Lynn...... I needed that !
My mind keeps traveling to the post conversation of Gene's "Chain Photographs" and the unity that this site offers to us all.....
_________________ Positives create better results then Negatives
Bill,
I am sooooo proud of you!!!! Keep up the positive attitude my friend. You can do it. I have all the faith in you and it gets me excited to see you take some action.
Good for you!!!
I want in on the hugs guys!!
SO HOW DID IT WORK OUT?
NEXT GOAL? CHOP CREDIT CARDS BEFORE YOU CHOP SOMETHING ELSE?
YOUR AWSOME BILL, SO GLAD YOUR STILL HERE. KEEP IT UP.
NICE FORUM...ONE OF MY BIGGEST DOWNFALLS SOBER OR ACTIVE IS NEVER COMPLETING ANY TASK TO MY BEST ABILITY AND FOLLOWING IT ALL THE WAY THROUGH. I HALF *censored ( | ) MOST OF EVERY ACTION...EVEN WHEN THE THOUGHTS AND PASSION ARE DEEP. ITS A HARD CONCEPT OF MYSELF...AND BY SAYING I AM DOING IT, VERSUS I WILL DO IT...REALLY MAKES A DIFFERENCE. AND SHOWS THAT OUR WILL NEVER GETS ME NOWHERE. ONLY THE WORK BEHIND IT CAN PROGRESS INTO THOSE THINGS THAT I NEVER DREAMED OF. AND HERE IS A PLACE TO WORK. GOOD JOB. HOPE ALL IS WELL.
Sorry, bill40
I missed this topic. I'm moving it to category Recovery, with status new subforum.
_________________ Your Admin, Gene. -=People who ask our advice almost never take it. Yet we should never refuse to give it, upon request, for it often helps us to see our own way more clearly. =-
As an update, i think the value for me since i posted this thought over 6 weeks ago is that it allowed me to do something positive after a relapse/use.
We all know the terrible feeling the day after. The remorseful self, the disgusted self, the "i am a *censored f-->ing loser" self, these messages are so dense they keep us in bed and keep us hopeless...
making the monumental pledges of never using always ring hollow after a use, face it we are willing but it is leaping over a building with an anchor tied to our arse, but taking even a small action to patch another ?/|\ is tangible, like seeing a penny jar fill up...
i still have holes but the ones i have patched has prevented turning a use into a all out binge. the timeline of use and action are below. i also think it is reasonable to state small monthly weekly or daily goals to someone. for me sept -- check out my health plan and make at least one call to a therapist, save 250.00, average once a week trip to the gym, call about volunteering for some sort of horse thing (been getting messages, not voices about this, which i think we need to pay attention to), so what the he|l i am not sure if i am suppose to ride one, bet on one or follow one with a shovel in a parade)
Crack fuel
checks - gone
credit cards - turned over
direct deposit- 99% into another acct
still left to do:
give custody of football tickets to someone (tradeable commodity)
use of prepaid gas card only. no cash
give guardian of my account list of bills paid- give them guidelines not to listen to me if i want a larger sum of cash (this part is hard, especially if i want to have lunch or dinner with a co worker etc.) i welcome suggestions on this.. as i do your stated to do list / goals.
My Suggestion is many restaurants offer gift certificates, or gift cards. purchase cards for places that you like to frequent, or have your guardian purchase them for you and keep them handy in your wallet. This may require a little extra effort for you or the person you have chosen to help you out, but I feel like it may help you to close yet another gap that would be well worth the additional effort....
I think this is a worthy forum and and a wonderful idea !
_________________ Positives create better results then Negatives
I just wanted to thank you for this post. I've been meaning to tell you for days. Tomorrow it will have been a week since I figured out that my boyfriend must be abusing drugs. It has really helped me better understand, what my boyfriend has been doing, and that he was really trying to keep things from getting out of hand. All these little things that didn't make sense and were frustrating me, were strategies he developed to stay away from the crack. So, I thank you for this post. It has helped to educate me, confirm my inclinations, allowed me to be more compassionate with my support of my S/O, and given me hope as I know he has been trying. I wish you the best, strength and success in your struggle.
Accountability is a very interesting subject for me right now. I have spent a lot of time over the last few months blaming my husband. His addiction has put me into debt, into heartbreak and almost to insanity. He has hurt his children, his friends and our family. I want to let him go, but as Lynn has pointed out, it is hard for me. I need to be accountable for that. How do you balance your love for the addict and the love for self? I feel somewhat responsible for what he has done to people since he he has left me and have tried to pick up the pieces the best I can.
The hardest thing now is that he is in an inhouse treatment program and wants me to be his primary contact. I'm the only one left to him and he doesn't understand that our marriage is over. I will always love him but can't live with him. That doesn't mean I don't care. I feel that if I don't participate in his treatment I am abandoning him. Should that matter at this point? He abandoned me long ago to a greater love - drugs and alcohol.
I would be very interested in any views on this. Especially from those who have had loved ones go through treatment.
Dear Alison,Do what your heart tells you if this means you need to walk away so be it,dont feel guilty for doing what is right for you.I had a friend that is a recouvery addict who was with his wife for 8 to 10 years durning that time he was a full blown addict and put her through h-ll.When he finally decided to get help and put his life back together he knew he was losing his love but was helpless to do anything about it.He had already made arangments to go into treatment so he went in not knowing weather he was going to have a wife when he came out.I think he went in to a 6 month program ,anyways for the first bit of his treatment she came to vist but soon the phone calls came to a halt and there were always excuses why she cont make the weekly visit,it broke his heart.He completed his program and came home to his cloths sitting on the doorstep.She dint even have the descenty to tell him it was over so he could deal with it well he was doing treatment.It took him years to recover from her abandoning him when he needed her support and love the most.I dont know if this story will help you but I just thought i would share it with you.I feel that if the marrage is over you should tell him sooner than later so he can deal with it before he comes out of the program.
This is a great idea. Everyone has a unique situation, so not all items on the list are applicable to everyone. I humbly propose a couple items to add. These are things I have done and have proven helpful, at one time or another. If they help defer or delay a relapse long enough for a craving to go away for someone, it will prove to be worthwhile.
Maybe at some point we can create a consolidated list...
Cellular Phones
1. Change your cell number: I had dealers calling asking if I needed anything. I'm tempted enough as it is and there are enough visual cues that I have to deal with; I don't need my phone turned against me. Also, by changing the number, your Friends who call hoping you will bring Crack will now be unable to do so.
2. Block Numbers of Dealers/"Friends": Many homes have a Call Block feature and I recommend using it to block numbers of those who may drag you down. If they call on your cell, install software that allows you to block their calls or call your service provider on information on how to do so. Several places to look: http://www.winmobileapps.com/device/poc ... /csb.aspx, or http://pocketpc.pdablast.com/articles/2 ... k-Unwanted
-Calls-with.html
3. Delete Phone # from Cell: Go through through your electronic phonebook as well as call history and delete numbers. Gather old cell phone bills with numbers on it and shred them. Unfortunately, you (like me) may have memorized some of them, but hopefully if you don't use them you'll forget them over time. This is just one more small thing that may help (it has helped me once or twice).
4. Block Sending Caller ID: In case you relapse and make a call from your cell phone, you don't want to go through changing numbers again. Call your cell provider and ask them to prevent sending your caller information every time you make a call. Some phones don't accept blocked numbers, with Verizon, you can send your info and make the call by typing *82 + number.
Cash
1. Bill (and others) have done a great job covering this topic. I accidentally left my ATM card in the machine (was on the way to buy Crack, of course) and it ate it. The only thing I have to add is a reason for not having cash on hand. My wife and I try to be frugal so this goes over well (I can see how it would completely annoy a s/o, however).
Quote:
"I decided to not carry an ATM card with me to save money. Yesterday, for example, I drove by a Starbucks and wanted to get a $3 cup of coffee. Instead of spending that money, I went home and made my own coffee. Do that enough times and it starts to add up."
Late Night Excursions
1. Set Home Alarm System: Did a majority of my Crack smoking at night when everyone was sleeping. If I had a craving and wanted more, I would leave the house (usually under the cover of 'I went to Blockbuster to return that overdue movie').
To prevent this, I turn on the alarm as soon as my wife goes upstairs (which was the green light to 'light up'). In my case, we have a control panel in the master bedroom and when it is disarmed it makes a series of loud beeps that awaken my wife and potentially one of my two daughters. [As an aside, my wife either doesn't know or is pretending to not know of my addiction -- that's a whole other story covered in My Journey... topic.]
2. Go to Bed At Same Time as S/O: It's hard to smoke Crack if you are sleeping (though I seem to have a lot of dreams about smoking, which I heard will fade with time...] If you're not tired, bring a book or laptop (if you have a wireless network, you can even go to this site!).
For Those With S/O in the Know [I haven't come out of the closet, but assuming I tell my wife or she finds out, this is what I'm going to do - assuming she doesn't kick my arse to the curb]
1. Detection w/o Consent: Buy a device that allows for the detection of abuse without your consent or participation. Check out the product at http://www.brickhousesecurity.com/kt202.html . The stakes are substantially higher if you agree to something and your s/o can detect whether or not you are keeping up your end of the bargin. I'm not promoting this product, as I've never used it, but the thought of it scares that crap out of me, so it must be good.
That's all for now. And as I re-read this, I realize my 'kick my arse to the curb' comment seems flippant. In reality, I'd fall apart if I caused her so much pain over this.
I've done everything possible to limit my access to cash (and my wife pays/watches the credit card transactions), which has been incredibly helpful. Money doesn't burn a ?/|\ in my pocket, it burns up in a cheap glass pipe and is exhaled out of my lungs -- at least for now.
Take care,
John
Last edited by johngalt on Nov 27, 2006 - 08:40 PM; edited 1 time in total
I enjoyed reading through this site and have found some similar common ground here.
I have wanted to do this for a while so now I am going to start it and with my schedule starting back up on Monday I can have some leg work done ahead of time.
What not to do for Annette while in prison
I want this prison visit to have meaning this time I am not going to send one penny. Harsh as it sounds she can work for stamp money, paper, whatever. I am going to tell the family to not send any money too.
I will not allow a conversation with her that is filled with excuses. I will have to tell her that she is there because she doesn’t want to quit. She blames her parole officer, she says that living at grandma’s depressed her into using; it was her boyfriend blah blah, blah, End of story click I will hang up the phone. These collect calls add up to hearing her anger towards being there but not her putting the blame where it belongs.
When released in 6 months not that long away
I will talk to grandma and the rest of the family about not buying anymore things from her or her boyfriend. If they need money they can work for it and that will open up a whole new chapter. The story is that it is not acceptable anymore.
I will put an end to her using my moms van this time by taking mom to work she lives close enough to me and works not that far away. So the sacrifice is that they need to get their own vehicle to get to and from with.
For now I will write her a letter once or twice a week and find some good articles on drug prevention and strategies for her (whether she chooses to read them it will be all on her).
She may never change but the family that supports and allows it will change and her time away gives me opportunity to work on this even more now. I will continue to pray and plan on making myself more sturdy in what I believe in.
Me, my goals,
Keep cutting back on the ciggs
Work out daily (got to get buffed) summertime
Spend more time with my son
This is scary I think I may be B-P!
Go see a doctor
Take vitamins everyday and calcium
Steve, It is good to see you so enthusiastic about all the threads you are discovering, and sharing how you plan on using the knowledge you have gained. I think your approach with your sister sounds great. I got a work on the getting buff too. But I have lost 10 lbs in the last month or so.
I appreciate the fact that you are stating your goals.
Quote:
Keep cutting back on the ciggs
Work out daily (got to get buffed) summertime
Spend more time with my son
This is scary I think I may be B-P!
Go see a doctor
Take vitamins everyday and calcium
I would make the suggestion that if you can phrase them in a way that you can gauge progess and identify procastination i think it might be more beneficial.
eg.Call for a doctor appt by the end of 2/15/07
under the category of spending more time with my son.
you could put down something specific, event etc.
I think it will feel good to cross off obtainable - measurable goals off your list, plus as your online support group it allows us to help you stay on course e.g. did you make your appt yet? etc...
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Posted:Sep 08, 2006 - 10:16 AM
