Hi everyone,
I am a 59 year old mother with a 39 year old daughter that is using crack cocaine and also drinking. I feel so lost... All I do is cry and I have not had a good nights sleep in months. She is educated with 30 hours past her master. She tells me "I'm not on drugs" What can I do? Please I need advise.
Thanks,
Ruth1913
Hi everyone,
I am a 59 year old mom with a 39 year old daughter that is using crack cocaine and drinking terrible. I feel so lost and helpless. She tell me "I'm not using drugs" She has lost her job, her kids, her phone and I fear she will loose her life if she doesn't come out of this denile. Her friends live with her and all do drugs. Please someone tell me what can I do?
Ruth1913
Dear Ruth,
I am sorry to tell you there is not much you can do,she has to want help but first off she has to addmit she has a problem.There is however support groups that you could attend for love ones.If you phone na or aa in your area they will be able to tell you where all the meetings are.You could let her know that your there to help her when she decides to get help,but do not enable her in any way.I would say that if shes loosing things and she lives with people that use she is more than likely involved.If losing her kids did not make her realize that she has a problem than the road ahead could be a long one.I wish you the best and hope your daughter seeks help.
I feel for the hardship that you are living in knowing that your daughter needs help for addiction, the worry and frustration that you are feeling are deeply felt here. I also have a boyfriend of 5 years that is addicted to crack and I know what I have been through personally, but also have witnessed what his parents go through on a regular basis.
Know that with your daughter being an adult that there is very little that can be done until she is ready and willing to admit her addiction and truly wants to commit to her recovery.
What you can do, is let her know that you are aware of here addiction and offer to support her through recovery efforts.
As long as your daughter is denying her addiction the idea that she will be open to the idea of recovery is slim. The environment that she is living in will only reinforce her justifications of using.
When in addiction it is very common for an addict to act extremely irresponsible as their main concern at this point is using, filling their need and they can deny and rationalize their using closing themselves off from the rest of the world that will not provide them with what they need to continue to feed their addiction.
This site is full of information that can help better educate you on the issues of addiction, as well as the many stories shared here that also backs up the idea that while we can support a person through their recovery efforts, we are powerless in changing their behavior that so many times keeps them in denial and actively using.
What you can do is educate yourself, and use this site as source of support for yourself in helping you to put your daughters addiction in to a better perspective. The following link that is available on this site will help you to better learn how to deal with a family member in addiction:
Cocaine, Crack Addiction ~ "What a Family Member Can Do" http://www.cocainehelp.org/mod-subjects-viewpage-pageid-4.html
As difficult as it may seem you should learn what it is to support your daughter, but not enable her. Do not provide her with money to support her habit, or clean up her messes that are a result of her habit. Enabling her will only allow her to continue the destructive pattern of using and not taking responsibility for her actions.
I have no doubt that this is effecting you in ways that seem indescribable, but know that there are many of here that do understand what you are going through. I hope you will continue to use this site as a guide for information and support.
Wishing you Strength and Peace ....
_________________ Positives create better results then Negatives
Thanks to eveyone for talking to me. Knowing that I'm not alone at 3:30 in the morning crying my eyes out really helps. This is so physically painful. Thanks again,
Ruth
Dear Michelle,
Thank you so much for talking to me. It really helps. The only time I have felt this much pain is when my father died. I'll keep reading and praying.
Lord bless you,
Ruth
no offense........but truth is......whether your dad or mom or cousin or whoever was there........IF, you'd taken the hit that would've OFF'ED yourself...no one would've been there to have saved your *censored ( | ).....one hit, whether it be the 1st or the 500th, could've been the one......your daddy could've been the pope or the president and it wouldn't have mattered.........think about it.......: )
Dear lynn,
Some people have nothing better to do than to hurt others.Dont get upset ,you know the truth and thats all that matters.Sounds like your father loved you very much and no one can take that away from you.He sounds like a wonderful man,im sorry that he had to leave you so soon,but he will be alive in your heart forever.You clearly made your point and hopefully he thinks twize before he hurts someone else like he did you.
Diane
I have no doubt that your Dad and your love for him played a significant roll in your recovery.
It is very believable to me that your Dad may have been that ONE person that through it all had the capability to reach you in your darkest moments offering you the strength and support that you needed to begin to face your addiction.....
I think what jhat111 was driving at in his statement is that at any one point... that binge, or next hit that you took could have resulted in the loss of life due to overdose, or a chemical reaction. Sadly this would have clearly been out of your Dad's control if you contemplate the number of times that you used, any one of which could have been a fatal use. Your Dad at this point would have had the heartbreaking journey of feeling the helplessness and defeat of losing something so precious to the evils of cocaine/crack addiction.....
Your right, he was there for you,
stood by you and became a stronghold
for your success on your road to
recovery.
I am sure that there were times that your Dad's worry was whether or not he would receive a call from authorities informing him that there had been a terrible tragedy, an irreplaceable loss of life....
You were lucky and so was your Dad.... it happens to good people, it does not matter how loving the people are that stand beside you through addiction..... Bad things can happen to good people.... fate, timing, unforseen reaction, overdose, bad sh_t, over indulging, chemical reaction .... poor health .... possible anywhere from the very first use to the very last, always a risk factor ...unannounced ...no warning..... no red flags .... and no time to prepare the people you love....
Once again, I think that the risk involving crack/cocaine usage gets more of a caution as to what it can inflict in the lines of destroying ones life in the means of relationships, financial downfalls and the breakdown of families, when indeed there is always from that 1st hit, and all that follow... the risk of death.
I have seen the destruction, but still my biggest fear is risk of my addicted loved one losing any chance of recovery, due to the risk that no one wants to talk about ~ Death ~ , no more choices, no more chances for intervention, and no more to chance.....
Maybe a loved one of a person in addiction let’s the risk of overdose to become part of the fear that plays over and over in ones mind, I am not sure .... I feel like it is a risk worthy of our concern as it as a part of the helpless we feel when we have a loved one in addiction..... I can feel sadness and dread in my heart just writing about it here.....
Lynn ~ your Dad continues through you as he does undeniably live your heart ....Diane is right ... no one will ever be able to take that away from you......
Strength, Peace and much love,
_________________ Positives create better results then Negatives
Last edited by pause4poetry on Aug 27, 2006 - 03:36 PM; edited 1 time in total
yes lynn...michelle is right....thats exactly the point i was implying..didn't mean to offend or question your dad's love for you or vice versa...was just saying one hit at anytime could've taken you out of this life..i'm glad it hasn't
Ruth, you are powerless. You cannot change her, until she decides to change herself, only then can you be the mother you are, and her appreciate that. (And not have it just drag you down even farther)Just as Lynn said, DEAD-as far as a person can be spritually, physically, emotionally. She might be that, and if so, there is nothing you can do, but find a way to keep your own life in order to the best of your ability, and lay your head down at night knowing you have done all you can, so that way when/if she comes out of where she is, you can as well be available for her when she will need you the most.
For me, it was the hope that my family kept for me, FROM A DISTANCE, it was the misplaced phone calls here and there...as little reminders they still loved me, and accepted me. IT WAS THE PRAYERS I FOUND OUT LATER THEY SAID FOR ME EVERY DAY AND NIGHT. It was the faith that THEY had, that I could and would find a way to stay away from where I had been for so long....after they released me on bond out of jail. It was there happiness to see my shining face, behind bars, even though tears fled their eyes...and their baby girl sat there and consoled them, telling them it would be ok, and I was so thankful I was in an orange suit, away from the he|l THAT I COULD NOT GET AWAY FROM ON MY OWN.
Until we find ourselves so far, so deep, that we want out, but dont even have a thought put together on how that would be possible...something greater than us shall proceed, or we shall continue to sink farther. Whether an addict or a family member of an addict these feelings ring true.
Lynn--bless you dear, for I understand the need for a father to believe in his girl. Especially in a time where no man believed I could be anything at all but a *censored prostitute, crackhead...dopedealer, con artist, lier and punching bag...my father was still there, talking to me through bulletproof glass with tears in his eyes, telling me he was so proud of me for making it through, and his expressions told me he would be there, and didnt think dirty of me. And I NEEDED THAT MORE THAN ANYTHING I needed to know that once I made the decision for myself to seek light, that I would have a fathers arms waiting for me. I needed every family member I have, to be gracious for my living, understanding at the fact that I was an addict in an addicts mind, who was going to be hard to overcome, and proud I was capable of putting a day clean together, for their hope carried me on the further days I felt I did not want to be alive in my sobriety.
Ruth, my prayers to you.
Last edited by freedomisprecious on Aug 28, 2006 - 10:29 AM; edited 1 time in total
The point of this statement is "not that is does not matter" but that things happen in spite of someones deep caring and willingness to be there for you..... please look at the statement in it's entirety to grasp the full meaning of what was said here......
Quote:
You were lucky and so was your Dad.... it happens to good people, it does not matter how loving the people are that stand beside you through addiction..... Bad things can happen to good people.... fate, timing, unforseen reaction, overdose, bad sh_t, over indulging, chemical reaction .... poor health .... possible anywhere from the very first use to the very last, always a risk factor ...unannounced ...no warning..... no red flags .... and no time to prepare the people you love....
Lynn, I care about your feelings and in no way do I want you to misunderstand my words, especially when they hit you so close to home and the memory of your father. I do respect that relationship and the significant roll he took as a father.....
Bless you, Love you .... and I am here for you ....
Strength and Peace and Much Love,
_________________ Positives create better results then Negatives
I too would of been curbside garbage had it not been for the love (quite blind at times) of my folks. Currently they are the people i am entrusting my finances to.. An addict has a predictable pattern as i have stated here many times, all you have to do is read historical posts to confirm that an addict: Uses - crashes - picks up the pieces of his/her binge - gets comfortable or confident and slips again--- at least it is my pattern for many years,,, one thing i can tell you is any change i have made has come during this remorseful, vowing never to do it phase...
I would approach her during these times to get concessions that could ultimately help or slow her down to the point where she might "get it"
focus on logistics ----- money -accounts-creditcards -check- etc...
try to get her to turn them over, it has helped me get to the point where i might get over the hump. limited opportunities to cash =limited opportunities to use;
By being out of the drug chase, even if for a day, it gives us a chance for that anvil to drop on our heads so we finally get it.
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