From there to here

Kelly · Resident

Looking back I wasn't sure I could do it. Looking back and remembering how scared I was, scared from hearing so many failed attempts. Now I am in a good place. I feel relief. I know the struggle is for life and I am in no way fooling myself but atleast now I am no longer scared and I feel like I can finally breathe.
For those of you just beginning the journey, it gets easier with time and it can be done. You have to want it more than anything.
Early on if I had access to money I would have failed, but between myself and my husband we made sure I never had more than a couple bucks at a time and no way of getting more. I am so thankful for that.
Also, this site helped me tremendously. I could come here when I was having cravings and write or just read, it helped.
I was so afraid early on. I thought sooner or later I would give in. There was a couple times that I had cash at the house, a couple hundred to maybe a couple twenties. It was a choice to say no that I was NOT going to do it. I argued with myself a couple times but once I made up my mind that was it.
I am proud of me and I deserve to be proud of me. Only us, the addict knows how hard it truly is. There was times the cravings were so bad I thought I'd lose my mind, but I made it. I thought I would always have those cravings and that scared the crap out of me. I still think about it from time to time but it is more like a passing thought instead of a craving.
So for those of you still struggling please know that it does get easier as long as you stay away from it. I do know that all it would take to get back to that horrible place is one puff from the pipe. I NEVER want that back. My strength now that I am off it is my family. I know with all my heart I never want to put them through that kind of pain again. People tell me that I should do it for me, well that don't work for me cause if it was just me to worry about I'd be right back there. For me family, friends, and the love of them keeps me clean so I say, whatever works.
I don't know how much clean time I have, I haven't added it up, (May 3rd) I know it isn't a huge amount of time so I just wanted people to know it isn't THAT long till you start to feel better.
Thanks to all of you who listened and responded to me. Some of you have become my friends and very dear to my heart.
Gene, thank you again for this wonderful place for us to come and be together.

mskandi · Newbie

Kelly, I see you had no response. My hand goes out to you for working so hard at staying clean. I am at the point where I wonder if we as a family will be enough support for my daughter. It seem to me the key is not having access to money. Well please post how you are doing with your recovery. -mskandi-

pause4poetry · Moderator

Dear Kelly,
Thanks to mskandi for bringing your post back into the active forum. I had sincerely missed seeing it and always look forward to hearing from you. Friends

I have missed seeing you here, though I always picture you in my mind enjoying your family and placing a great deal of value on the sobriety you have found through your strength and determination and the love that you have for your family.

I am proud for you as well and always pleased to hear you encourage others here as your do have a way of allowing us to see the worth of your struggles and your efforts.

I also think that is important for you to share what a huge part love of family can play in ones recovery. When the timing is right there are windows of opportunity for light to shine through and awaken the senses that there is a life waiting to be embraced, fullfiled and enjoyed. Whether someone comes here seeking help for themselves, or a loved one, there is light to be found if we continue to try. It may be be that the light you find is other then what you came to discover. I came here in hopes of helping a loved one, but I found strength and peace in my heart and for myself through understanding and education and the ability for me to learn that I was not alone as I had once thought and that my loved one was not the only one defying all my efforts to wish him well. There are countless people that are effected by the hardships of addiction and together we can find and encourage each other to a better tomorrow. Taking care of ourselves emotionally is what helps us find the strength and the patience to see the situations for what they have truly become, when we are emotionally destressed our minds do not function the same and we miss the ability to see things clearly. This is a good place to share and unload the burdens that plague us, bringing them to light we eventually find a perspective that helps us through.....

mskandi, my hope is that you will find the peace that you do so deserve in this life and as a Mother, I know you will continue to look for that window of opportunity to help your daughter. We are all here for you as you were here to respond to Kelly's post.

Wishing you the best .... and once again thank you for helping me to NOT miss Kelly's post as I love the feeling I get in my heart when I know that she is doing well.....

Huggs to you Kelly !

Strength and Peace ....

Jenni · Helping Hand I

Kelly, Thank you for your post and congratulations on your success. Stay strong. I am going to print off your post for my boyfriend to look at it. I know he is afraid of himself...and I know he is trying. I hope he will find encouragement in what you have shared. Thank you. -Jenni

Kelly · Resident

Hey all! Thanks to all of you for responding to my posts. It pleases me to know that just maybe I can show that there is hope. There is always hope until death.
I am really good but this is just a quick note to let you know. I will respond to you more individually this week.
Michelle, you are a light tower to me. You just glow.
I will talk to you all soon.

Kelly · Resident

I meant I am doing really good. I read it after I posted it and it sounds like I am full of myself. I wanted to talk to you guys more in detail later this week.

Admin · Site Admin

Welcome back