I thought maybe a forum dealing with problems we are facing after having some time in recovery, because even though we have a little "clean-time" under our belts doesn't mean that sometimes things in life don't arise that may tend to lead us back out! Personally, I have been clean for over 2 years, but problems in my personal life(most notably my relationship) has been screwing with my head. Many of you have read my story of recovery and I believe I mentioned how I have my family back in my life. Last September I flew up to Ohio to pick up my ex-wife, my oldest daughter, and my youngest daughter. We drove back to Florida in my Ex's car and my oldest daughter followed us in her car- Life was wonderful and I couldn't have been happier. Then my oldest daughter (19) started giving me trouble by not wanting to follow the rules of our home. So I gave her a choice, either follow our rules or move out. She chose the later. Now she is pregnant and the guy ditched her- so of course she wants to come back. I have no problem with that because she is my daughter and I love her and she needs us. But the "Kicker" is that my Ex and I haven't been getting along. She isn't happy with her job, she complains about money all the time etc. etc. etc. It's like the love and devotion I felt when we first got back together is non existant now. She keeps saying she is going back to Ohio. So I feel once again that I will be alone, left with a house I can't afford on my own. But the biggest thing is my 6 year old daughter will once again be out of my life! We have a great relationship and I love her dearly!! I don't know, I just sometimes ask myself, What went wrong? What did I do wrong? Did I get back into a relationship to soon? How could she love me so much just a few months ago, to almost being to the point of hating me? When I'm around her now ,I feel like I used to after I came home from one of my Drug binges! I shouldn't have to feel that way!! I did her no wrong, I'm a good husband(Ex) and a good father to my daughters- I'm far from perfect but I've come a very long way from where I was 2 years ago!! I have NO desire to use- But I don't know if that will last if I keep feeling the way I do. It hurts and I just can't figure out what happened!! But know matter what my recovery comes first- No matter what!! Thanks for letting me dump some of my troubles on you- Maybe there are others that would find a forum of this nature helpful!!
Dear Frank,
I don't whether or I not I can help, because I am in my own limbo right now. I have been in a relationship with an addict for almost over 5 years now. He is currently admitting to his addiction and playing with the idea of recovery like a cat plays with a mouse....I know ....it doesn't sound Good. We had a good start with recovery and he is more receptive then he has ever been, but I see him falling back to some justifications that could only help him to fall back into a he|l caused enough damage to last more then a lifetime.
His recovery is important to me. Until recently I knew that this was the person that I wanted to share life with for the rest of my days. I have tried everything to the point that I have simply wore myself out. I still have a deep love for him, but so much damage has been done to our relationship that I question or ability to go on even in the event that he stay clean. Having your heart shattered day after day and always always being the one to make up the difference and pick up the pieces can take a toll in a very harsh way. It was not untill this last year that I really picked up on his bold disregard for the needs of those that loved him. We have become merely people for him to manipulate when there is something that he needs. Trust was broken to a point that I don't know that I will ever be able to trust him to the point that I can relax. Even if he would meet me with complete honesty, I am not sure that I can let my guard down as I have so many times just to be faced with more disappointment. As each new conflict confronts me, I find myself looking backwards at the resentment that grew with each new let down. I don't know that I can truly ever be the person that I was before. In my heart I am feeling that I would love to have a break from responsability....just for awhile....letting someone take care of me Not very realistic...I know. I know what I have been through and I know that it has effected my patience and to a point my ability to reason with past hurts and present conditions. I no longer look at things the same. You sound like you have worked hard to have your family back and I hate to see you lose that after all you have worked for the last 2 years. Continue to be proud of yourself for your efforts <smile> You derserve that !!! Support your daughter in her decisions and let her know that you love her. At some point we all have to let our children make their own decisions, they are sure to fall at some point....large or small ....we still love them. Your wife may have several sources of unhappiness growing.... ,but before you let yourself feel you are to blame, or that there is nothing that you can do try the following.....
Really listen to what she is telling you ...whether it be about her job, money, or a household issue. Really hear what she has to say and try to determine the source of her upset. Is she just having a bad day and blowing of steam to the closest person within range, or is there an unlying issue that warrants change that could ease her frustrations. Let her know that you are willing to work on solutions with her and keep your heart and mind open for what comes next. We are all so unique in how we deal with our feelings and although I don't know your wife, I know it never hurts to truly listen to what someoneelse is feeling. Let her know that you want to be a part of the solution and that you care about her happiness. It may be that she is uncertain about what she really wants right now and needs time, patience and understanding to work through what is going on inside her heart and her head. Life is confusing enough on its own merit. So many times we are to close to the situation to not take things too personally. Perhaps she is discontent with her job and finances have her feeling over extended. It is my experience here that the harder I work the more bills that are created still leaving little for me to carry in my pocketbook. Sometimes we need to make time to be able to enjoy what we have worked so hard to keep up. Sometimes we just need a little more. Keep the lines of communication open.... Listen .....and be willing to make changes that could make a difference.... Just because something it wrong does not make it your fault. Ask your wife in a supportive way, what if anything you could do to make a difference.... hopefully, she will respond with honest ideas. At least she will know that you are interested and open for ideas. She will also know that she has a willing partner to help her work on solutions and that she is not alone therefore there is no need to run for the hills. Don't pressure her for responses ....just let her know that you are willing to listen when she feels the need to share. I am not sure that any of this will make sense to you, but I had to try. Work on today as yesterday is gone.... one day, one moment at a time .... with love, patience and respect for the other person's feelings....try to gain an understanding and take it from there. I hope that you can work through this with your family... and I feel for what you are going through ..... wishing you the best from this end..... and once again .... thank you for sharing both the good and the bad.... I know that in the end we can all learn from each other...... Bless you and your family...
Freedom to laugh, love, live life and enjoy....Freedom to express your opinion... and make choices, freedom to learn from our experiences. May you be given silken wings of strength ...giving you the courage to paint your wings against blue skies... finding your spirit free.... to be who you truly are in your heart......Michelle / pause4poetry
Last edited by pause4poetry on May 02, 2006 - 12:12 PM; edited 1 time in total
Thank you pause4poetry for very well rounded advice
Frank, I hope you will take this advice and everything returns to normal.
_________________ Your Admin, Gene. -=People who ask our advice almost never take it. Yet we should never refuse to give it, upon request, for it often helps us to see our own way more clearly. =-
Thanks to both of you for your advice and concern. Pause4poetry you have some very good advice! You can understand where she is coming from and what she's been through since you are dealing with the same things she has dealt with for so many years. I am grateful that you took the time to offer me some suggestions, and for your concern. I don't know what will happen between my wife and I- But I am going to leave it in GODS hands, and whats meant to be is meant to be-My recovery comes first today over everything because if it doesn't, I would most likely not be sitting in this chair typing this right now!! I caused my loved ones so much pain- all I thought of was my own gain.For so many years the drugs had me blind- Today, the spirit I did find. With Gods blessings, and the help from each other- Ican now be a husband, father, and brother. Staying clean if only day by day- I can't keep it if I don't give it away! (Like my little poem?) Thanks again!!
Frank,
Your reply most certainly made me smile here and YES I liked your poem !!!!
I am smiling because I was worried for you and what you may be facing after so much hard work. I can only imagine all the effort it has taken you to get where you are today. I am pleased to hear in your words that you are not willing to let anything take that away from you....
Sometimes when we are frustrated and we feel we are holding the weight of the world on our shoulders, what we really need is for someone to listen to us. Sometimes we need to know that the feelings that we harbor inside have been heard and acknowleged.... it can make all the difference in the world.
Once again, I wish you all the happiness you have worked so hard to achieve. You give me the encouragement to continue on here with all that faces me knowing that it can be done and once again the words we all want to hear that "there is hope." Thank you !
Hey, everyone- Here I go again. I'm really struggling right now. Today I actually thought about using- even found myself riding through the "Hood". I don't know if I can handle all the pressure right now. I'm confused and scared. My (Ex) wife keeps playing games with my head. I don't know if she's leaving or not. My oldest daughter is pregnant and has uterus cancer- she has to go in for surgery Monday. There is a 50/50 chance her baby will survive. She is 1000miles away and I can't be there to support her. My wife took off for the week-end to Ocala to visit my other daughter who is staying with a friend until she graduates High School this month. So being alone and isolated my diseased thinking is kicking in....HARD- I know what I need to do, I've been given all the tools, but that little voice in my head is trying to tell me I can get away with it, that everything will be alright. This is the strongest these thoughts have been in over 2 years. I mean I was actually driving around in the "Hood" looking for a prostitute, or possibly a Crack Dealer. I managed to talk myself out of it this time and came back home. But I don't know if I can keep on doing the right thing- I don't want to throw 2 years away, and more importantly, go back down that long dark lonesome road. I've come to far, but man it is hard!! Ecspessally today. Thanks for letting me dump my garbage. I feel a little better. I will get through this- Thanks
Ground Zero is a short step away....but the road back up is long and hard.... just one use and you will risk using again and again and again. I, know because my boyfriend has started again.... helplessly I saw it coming. It began one day ....just a little, then he slipped a couple days and now he is using daily....back to ground zero. The sad part is I broke my ankle on Monday, had it set and casted on Wednesday...just so I could reinjure it Wednesday night because I was once again trying to do everything here on my own. I could have had help, but he was gone using as I have made it clear he can not use here in my home. He came home after I fell and took me to the emergency room for the second time. He did not stay with me, but in the parking lot because he was too buzzed to feel comfortable. Had my bones been unset by fall, my ankle would have required surgery. We returned home with his promise that he would be here to help me. Thursday night he returned home even later as he began with his excuses I asked him one question that he appeared to not want to answer. Tired, frustrated and feeling extremely let down I told him that he could answer the question, or leave. He has been gone for 2 days now. Yesterday he called to see if I need anything .....today nothing. I can't even begin to tell you how this makes me feel. Crack is by far the most important thing to him right now... and the resentment that is growing in my heart is larger then life.
My hope is that you don't fall back into a world that is impossible to live in. I remember reading the excitement in your words when you wrote about your graduation... Yes, it was something!!!
Take the situation with your wife and your daughter's health one day at a time. What ever arrises will be better handled by you if you are not using.
Will be wishing you well on this end... Hang in there....
Thank-you so much- I always feel better after I read some encouraging words from you. I am really sorry to hear about your injury, and more importantly the neglect you are taking from your husband. Helped to remind me of how I used to be and what I surly don't want to return to. Thank you so much for caring- I will take it one day at a time, and I know things will get better. I will pray for you Michelle, I will pray that you are lifted out of the he|l you are in and truely don't deserve!! Take your own advice, and hang in there- you have my support!
You are so very welcome.... you return the favors in more ways then you will ever know. This site has been a great help to me and if there is ever anything I can give back, I will do it gladly.
My Boyfriend showed back up here mid-morning and began straightening things that I have been unable to attend to with my injury. Even though I was touched that after several days he took the time to think about me, I can't help but wonder if he even stopped to think of what I have been going through since thursday night.The hardest part was that he did not choose me then, and has no idea how much that hurts. In the past, I have always left the door open, but his time it is difficult. I asked him to remove the rest of his things, but once again he has left without them. He just called to see if I wanted him to cook dinner for me and the kids tonight. I responded by telling him that we were either together, or we were not. He made a decision the other night that hurt me deeply and now I feel as though he wants his freedom with no questions and his time with me. Sadly, I just can not do it this time because each time it hurts more. I know in my heart that he truly does not realize what he does to me emotionally. I once again told him to come and remove his things and his dog, so that I am not having to be to take care of what he can not. It hurts to see his things here and right now I don't want anything to remind me of his absence. Not sure if that makes sense, but I am really trying not to think about anything too hard right now. We'll see what happens, I know that this is most likely not how he wants things to go, but if I give in this time I will be facing the same hurt again whenever he chooses. I am hanging in there, I just wish I had a crystal ball that I could hold in my hands and see where all this will lead. I am so tired of everyday being a struggle and although Tough Love sounds like the most effective measure, it is definately not easy. As we have agreed .... one day at a time ....
Hope you are feeling better.... I will keep you in my prayers here too....
Michelle/ pause4poetry
Last edited by pause4poetry on May 13, 2006 - 02:38 PM; edited 1 time in total
Hello, again- just wanted to let everyone know that I'm still hanging in there. It's definate now that my wife and daughter are leaving on the 25th. I've come to accept it. At first I was blaming myself, thinking I wasn't working a solid program,and realizing although I'm clean today, I may have started to revert back to some of my old behaviors. That may be true to some extent, but I'm a recovering addict only 2+ years clean and I'm doing the best I know how.Maybe it's best for her to move on with her life without having to deal with a recovering addict.I don't know- but I do know I'm still clean, and intend to stay this way.I have to look for whatever positive things may result out of this-Maybe Lord has another plan for me.They say when one door closes, another one will open.I have to have Faith and trust in my Higher Power even though I don't understand why what is happening is happening.He's never let me down in the past, so why should he now? Things will be alright. I'm probablly babbling, but just wanted to let you all know where I stand.Thanks everyone for their suggestions and concern. 'Specially you Michelle-Thank-you!! I pray things are getting better for you as well-Remember, I'm here for you........
<smile> The smile is for Frank. When I read his latest post, I felt the strength and determination of a man that truly wants to make his life better. I will have to admit that I was worried and was extremely happy to find his post today. Just because we conquor 1 problem does not mean that we will not be faced with yet another. Ahhh the little added extras that make life challenging.
I have not done so well this week. I am failing miserably in the "tough Love" area. Anyone with any experience in trying to apply this approach to someone they love can tell you it is not easy.
My boyfriend used money for supplies for a job to buy crack. He now had a job that could not be completed, but that he had already started. I went and purchased the items with the firm agreement that I be repaid the following day as he was to be paid for work completed. I will define this as "cleaning up his mess." The following day I had still not heard from him by 9:30 p.m. and I knew that was not a good sign. I know that I should have let him work it out on his own. When he showed up with a guilted look on his face, I did not have to ask as I am sure you don't either. His pay was gone as quick as is took him to drive to his local dealer. He knew it was wrong, but allowed his need for his drug to overide any promises made to me. I can not tell you how much this hurts.
After seeing my Doctor this week, I learned that I will be unable to work for at least 6 weeks. I wanted to trust him and hoped in my heart that knowing my situation he would see to it that he did not let me down. I was wrong. After paying my bills for the month, I now have $14.00 to my name....more incoming bills and no income till the end of June. I feel that I am the one hitting bottom here. I know the mistake that I made and intend not make the same mistake again.
I am glad that I came across Franks post today, because it has been an extremely hard week for me here. Sometimes we have to set aside the things that we have no control over and except them. Once that is done we can concentrate on the things within ourselves that we can fix and we do have control over. I think this post clearly points out that order. Thank you Frank, I am here for you too !
Also thanks to the inventor of this sight as the more I understand the better able I am to help myself get through yet antoher day.
Life after recovery?? Well it isn't easy. But I'm determined in my heart and soul to never pick up again, no matter what!! My wife and kids have finally left. So here I sit alone with my cat. My brother just tried to commit suicide. My Daughter has uterus cancer and is pregnant- lots of pressure on a recovering addict. But I can't see where using will make anything better. Thats what recovery is about. Learning to live life, on lifes terms. Not to run every time we hit a bump in the road. I never thought I would see the day where I can handle all this pressure without wanting to run to my drug!! I'm confused and scared,why is all this happening to me?? I guess in time I will understand better. They say there's a reason for everything. But I just want those who are trying to get clean to know-Just because we get clean doesn't mean the end to our problems. But at least today, I can be here to support my Daughter and brother. Something I couldn't have done a couple of years ago. There is no valid excuse to use. We have the choice. It's about making the right one. I've found over time it gets easier. Sorry if I'm babbling, but it feels good to get this off my chest and share it with others. Who knows, it may even help someone else going through something similar. To the addict struggling to recover- There is hope!! And it can be done- Lord Bless.......
But I can't see where using will make anything better. Thats what recovery is about. Learning to live life, on lifes terms. Not to run every time we hit a bump in the road.
After reading all that I have read from you, I am very happy to hear you say this. I wanted to tell you that drugs are not the only things that ruin a relationship, just because you quit doing drugs doesn't make everything perfect, but i know you know that and I think it is great that you are not going back to your old ways. Of course that won't fix anything, just make it worse. I am so scared that when my boyfriend comes back I am still going to feel the hate that I felt for him for so long because of the drugs. I don't know how to stop it so I know somewhat how you ex wife feels. Sometimes you really want to feel one way but you can't force yourself. I wish you lots of luck, i feel like i really know you after reading your stories.
Dear Frank,
I knew that you would be going through some pretty big transitions and I am happy that you are so determined to keep your life headed in a positive direction. I am sorry to hear about your brother as well as your daughter, but in the same breath I am very proud to know that you can be there for them because of your determination and the choices you have made. Once again Frank thank you for sharing, I have no doubt that your post here are an inspiration to the people that come here searching for that thread of hope. Bless you always.... Michelle/pause4poetry
_________________ Positives create better results then Negatives
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Posted:Apr 28, 2006 - 10:48 PM
Posted:May 01, 2006 - 02:23 PM
