Post subject: IS MY DAUGHTER LYING / IS MY HUSBAND CLEAN?
First of all let me start off by saying I'm so glad I found this forum. I have a 26 yr old daughter that is on drugs. The only thing I have found is items indicating inhalant abuse and a empty metal marker cylinder with burns on it. I have reached the conclusion she is on crack because she know a great deal about it. her appearence has changed dramatically. She has major dental problems and will not go get it taken care of, she has been evicted from a nice two bedroom house provided by emergency housing. She work everyday and has nothing to show for it. She lives with my grandson mom and pay no rent but is always broke.She recieved $8000 back in taxes this year and was broke in a few weeks with little to show for it. Her two children spend 85% of the time with thier Father. She stayed at my home after the second child was born and my smoke alarm went off every night she was in my home. I have asked her is she on drugs, I told her I don't expect her to be perfect but I expect honesty. I told her I would keep her children if she went to rehab. She continues to deny using drugs but all the signs are there. She has been an inhalant abuser for so many years she has been hospitalized for severe anemia and had to have 5 units of blood. The doctors still have not figured out why she is so anemic. My husband is insiting I can only help her if I cut her off completely meaning no communication. Now as for my husband, he is as he put it an ex crack user. He did it for about 2-3 yrs realized his personal appearence was slipping and decided to leave it alone. He now smokes cigarettes and marijuana daily. The marijuana use is to the point that he actually has a smoke room in our home.I have told him he is an addict and need help. He tells me f***U and continues the life. One day he had no weed left and was having a hard time finding any. He did not talk to me for days. I suspect he slips around sometimes and uses cocaine, I can't prove it. Please give me suggestions on how to deal with my situation. I have Lupus and the stress is taking it's toll on me.
If your instincts are correct,
denial is the major problem here.
If your daughter is using, but refuses
to admit to you that she has a problem,
there is little that you can do as far as
encouraging recovery for a problem that
is being denied.
Unless you have the ability to get your
daughter to open up and come clean you
are most likely going to continue to be
facing a huge barrier with regarding
conversation of recovery.
Taking a stance of no communication
for me would be difficult especially from
a parental standpoint, however I do not feel
that your hubby is far off the mark as far
allowing her to feel the consequences of
how drugs are effecting her life and ability
to responsibly dealing with the challenges
and responsibility of everyday living.
When we continue to pick up after and provide
for someone that is caught up in active addiction,
we also take away the ability for them to feel the
the full effects of the position their addiction is
placing them in financially, socially and from
a relationship standpoint. Even then it can be
astonishing to see what an addict will endure and
justify and continue using.
I know that the idea of your hands being tied as far as the health and well being of your daughter
is heartbreaking to say the least and I deeply feel for what you must be going through there on a daily basis, but is comes to a point where you have to actively work on taking care of yourself and distancing yourself from her issues of addiction. Especially in consideration of your Lupis it is important that you try to find that place within yourself emotionally that relieves you from allowing her addiction to jeopardize your own health and well being.
You posted that she lives with your Grandson’s Mom and pays no rent, and I am wondering if this woman is aware of the possibility that your daughter may have a serious problem that has placed her in this position. Also, what is this woman’s reason behind her willingness to shelter her in this respect in spite of your daughter’s unwillingness to carry her own responsibilities?
You have found a good foundation for support and information on this website, however if you can find a support group in your area such as Co-anon that can help you cope with the feelings that you have surrounding your daughter’s situation, I would suggest that you give it a try. You can also read the following information provided here on this site which may help in educating you on the issues that parallel addiction and it’s effects on the user as well as well as how to deal as a family member of a person in addiction. I have proved a link for you below which can be found under the menu here under Navigation: Cocaine/Crack Addiction:
http://www.cocainehelp.org/mod-subjects.html
I feel for what you are going through there and will be wishing you the best in what I know is a
devastating and emotionally draining situation. I hope you will continue to frequent this site, using it as a tool to help you gain a better perspective that in turn may help you better deal with the issues of your daughter’s addiction and how they effect you.
Wishing you Strength and Peace.....
_________________ Positives create better results then Negatives
Last edited by pause4poetry on Oct 12, 2006 - 06:29 PM; edited 1 time in total
Dear Mskandi,I dont know how you can manage to put up with addicted love ones while you are a sufferer of Lupus.This is a stress related condition,is it not?Does your family not know how stress affects your condition.You should take care of yourself at all cost,lupus is not a illness that you mess with.You have got the best advice from Michelle I hope you will take it to heart.I wish you well and my heart goes out to you.
Diane
Dear Mskandi,
Theres just something that has been bugging me since i read your post and replyed.Its your husband's attatude and reply to you when you told him he needed help because he was a addict.His reply f-k you.It seams he has no concern for you or your illness.I only got one thing to say to this show him the door and tell him not to let it hit him in the *censored ( | ) on his way out.Really what kind of person who has a sick wife says this,a heartless one would be my guess.
Diane
To update anyone who responded to my previous posting. I now have my 2 yr old grand daughter living with me. When I tried to take her back to NY to her mom she said she needed for me to keep her, mind you she has another child due in January and has only seen the doctor twice. One of the times was during a hospital stay where she was given 4-5 units of blood. This was due to the inhalant abuse. To Diane, I suppose you're right.....I know my daughter is an addict. I'm hurting so much, watching my daughter die day by day. The woman I see is no longer my daughter. I don't want to give up on her because I feel something I did may have caused her life to end up the way it is. Maybe it was loosing her bestfriend in a tragic car accident and then her grandparents both died within three months of each other. I have a hard time understanding what causes a person to pick up and use crack when everyone knows it is the pathway to he|l!!! for the user as well as the love one. Well Sunday is my birthday so I'm going to try and enjoy some of the weekend. -K-
Dear K,
You should not blame your self for your daughters addiction.Shes the one that chooses to use.It is good that you are able to take your grand daughter and look after her.Hopefully the baby wont be born addicted,is your daughter awair of the dangers of using while pregent.Well I hope your able to have a good weekend and hopefully your daughter seeks out help soon.
Diane
_________________ Your Admin, Gene. -=People who ask our advice almost never take it. Yet we should never refuse to give it, upon request, for it often helps us to see our own way more clearly. =-
First of all, I commend you on your commitment to help your daughter.
However, as others have alluded to, it is important to make sure you take care of yourself as well. As a father of 2 daughters, I do not take saying this (putting yourself before your child) very lightly. However, I believe it is essential to things working out for the best.
My mother was really concerned when I shared with her that I was taking meds to deal with anxiety. Like you, she felt she had, perhaps, done something wrong or failed to do something right. Nothing could be farther from the truth. I would not trade her for any mother in the world. I don't blame her for my need to take medication to deal with anxiety; it's just the way things are and I'm thankful it isn't something more life threatening.
What I'm trying to say is: Just as you didn't MAKE her decide to turn to drugs, you can't MAKE her decide to turn away from them.
One can only speculate as to why she decided to turn to drugs without her revealing it herself. However, in some cases you can find a common demoninator that applies to a particular situation. For me, I turned to crack to escape the pain of having been betrayed by and losing virtually all of my closest friends (including the best man in my wedding) which led to me losing several million dollars. I smoked crack for about a year and when I decided to quit I somehow managed to be at a point that my wife hadn't left me, I wasn't in jail, and I still had money in my checking account.
Please excuse my rambling... The point I was trying to make was crack was an escape from reality and a feable attempt to bury the pain I was experiencing and am now (thanks to the collective wisdom of those on this site) dealing with more constructively in therapy.
What I'm trying to say is that you clearly have a big heart and are worthy of all the happiness you receive... it's unfortunate your daughter seems to be on the verge of losing the direct support of, and rightfully so, the generous, selfless mother she has taken for granted. However, in my opinion, the need for her to feel the implications of her actions is CRITICAL to her recovery. Without recognizing there is a problem there is no need to change her behavior, from her perspective.
I believe when one or more parents possess an addictive behavior, it is possible that it is genetically passes on to their children. Clearly, based on your description, your husband has an addictive personality and likely passed that on to your daughter. Please don't take this as finger-pointing on my part - though I realize it is how it sounds - but it is my hope that you do not take this burden wholly on your shoulders... I have learned very much from Michelle, and believe her advice is worthy of re-reading. A visit to a local Co-anon meeting may prove to be the best thing you have done for yourself in a long while.
After all, if you do not take care of yourself, how can you be in a position to assist your daughter to the best of your abilities?
[I always wanted to kick someone in the teeth when they said this, so feel free to do so someday if we meet: "It's always darkest before dawn"]
Wishing a wonderful mother and an amazing woman a very happy birthday!!!
Thank You very much John for your kind words and Diane for the Birthday acknowledgement. I am trying to locate a meting to attend. My only worry is my daughter is trying to move into my home or very close to where I am. I explained to her before, the condition of me helping her would be for her to first enter a rehab program.She refuses to because she insist she is not on drugs. My problem is what if she is trying to get away from the area that triggers her to use? Kandi
Dear Mskandi,
If you phone aa or na they will direct you to the meetings in your area.If she is still in denial there is not much you can do.Until she addmits she has a problem and needs help there is really not much you can do to help.She might be wanting to get away from her triggers but she is still comming with herself and the problem just dont go away because you remove yourself from your stomping grounds.She will just be putting the problem on your doorstep.
Diane
One thing I failed to mention is I am now into my second marriage as of May13, 2006. Each day I learn more about my new husband previous addiction to cocaine which he controls by using weed and alcohol instead. But you're correct my daughter could have gotten the addictive behavior from her biological Father. Right now I'm tryin to watch for signs of my husband using. He swears he would never go back to crack.....but when I read about the cravings it scares me a little.
As for my daughter.......I plan to keep her out of my home. I no longer have to wonder why everything in her room stay covered in some white powdery like film. I wiped down the entire room and it was back in two days.Sometimes I'm not sure what she's using except the inhalants I found from the glue to the shoe polish. Whatever it is she was setting off my smoke detectors every night for a few weeks. Well now it's 6 am so I have vented enough. One more thing the money, she has nothing to show for her money and I mean NOTHING. She only has car insurance to pay out of the $650 bi=weekly she brings home. Never had a credit card or car note.
Dear Mskandi,
My advice to you is look after yourself.You said you have lupus,so that is all important over everything else.If your daughter is not living in your house it is not your worry what she spends her money on.Dont let yourself get all upset over things you have no control over.As for your husband you married him so thats something you have to live with.All i can say is sometimes pot and booze is a gateway to cocaine.
Diane
Diane is right as far as bringing her problems to your door. If she still denies a problem her abuse will continue, especially if she is provided a place that offers her shelter without responsibility. I hope that she will eventually open up to you and seek the help that she needs. My Best Wishes for your daughter and your situation.
Wishing you continued Strength and Peace ....
_________________ Positives create better results then Negatives
I agree that as far as your daughter's unborn child goes that tragedy is in the making and that it should be a concern. Not only is she risking her own life, health and well being, but that of a child that will have no choice as to how it will be once it is brought into this world.
As difficult is it may be for you to hear, I personally feel that an adult that puts any child at risk should be held accountable for their actions, whether that be prebirth, or post-birth.
Is your daughter is seeking medical attention for her current pregnancy? I don't intend to get on a soapbox regarding the issues here, but we are talking about the chance of a child being born that may have to live with the ill choices that your daughter is making as she carries it. There are options available to you for you to put an end to the risk further risk that this unborn child may have to endure. I openly admit that the outcome may not be pleasant for your daughter, but keeping in mind the well being of your future grandchild that has no options or choice in the matters at hand someone should seriously be thinking about acting responsibly in behalf on this child.
The Department of Children and Family Services in your state can better advise you of the possibility of court mandated resources that may be available to your daughter. The difficulty in this option at the present time is that you do not know what your daughter is abusing and often their needs to be some type of mishap before the department will effectively step in. They may launch an investigation, but the system is so full of these types of cases it make take several times in front of a judge before action could be taken. DCFS actions may very from state to state, but you may want to consider calling one of the hotlines available and speak to someone as to the seriousness of your daugther's actions. Your call can be made anonymously and may offer you an option as far as your daughter and the well being of her children, your grandchildren. I am not telling you this is what you should do, as Lynn said, once family services enters the picture, they can be a presence for a very long time mandating decisions that may be very undesirable, however your daughter needs also to consider what is at risk here.
As much I hated to post on this issue, I felt it was important to respond to the above post. Nothing about addiction is pretty, or pleasant and some may disagree with my suggestion, but I felt compelled to offer you my opinion as it is an option available for your consideration......
One thing I failed to mention is I am now into my second marriage as of May13, 2006. Each day I learn more about my new husband previous addiction to cocaine which he controls by using weed and alcohol instead. But you're correct my daughter could have gotten the addictive behavior from her biological Father. Right now I'm tryin to watch for signs of my husband using. He swears he would never go back to crack.....but when I read about the cravings it scares me a little.
As for my daughter.......I plan to keep her out of my home. I no longer have to wonder why everything in her room stay covered in some white powdery like film. I wiped down the entire room and it was back in two days.Sometimes I'm not sure what she's using except the inhalants I found from the glue to the shoe polish. Whatever it is she was setting off my smoke detectors every night for a few weeks. Well now it's 6 am so I have vented enough. One more thing the money, she has nothing to show for her money and I mean NOTHING. She only has car insurance to pay out of the $650 bi=weekly she brings home. Never had a credit card or car note.
For goodness sake....
What is your fixation
towards her lack of showcasing materials,
from money she has earned??
What makes hubby #2 different from your daughter??
If she told you she was useing,
that would change everything?
She needs help, what about the hubby...
I'll tell you what you SHOULD be focusing on...
Her being pregnant,
you just mentioned that one time,
You strike me as a gigantic worry wart,
and a tiltered Perry Mason understudy,
that people favor to avoid.
You drive me crazy just reading your posts.
If her newborn, exhibits ANY signs to suggest
being exposed to drugs, while a fetus in her embryo,
or, with certainty, the staff/doctor knows
they have an addicted newborn on their hands,
just a simple test of the umbilical cord,
to prove what they already can tell...
Prepare for her, to not only be arrested but,
for that baby to be taken away...
Dealing for G**d knows how long with family services.
Your harping about and sounding off on,
she wants to move closer, she wants to move in..
she says she's not using...
I know of inhalants,
A white powdery film all over her room,
after I dusted everything,
she has no money or nothing to show for her money,
The smoke detector went off every night she stayed here
BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH.......
(which, btw, If that were me, after the first time the dATmn thing went off, there wouldn't be anymore batteries in that dang thing....no way I could have ever got high thinking that thing would go off again, any minute)
Your so worried about her not telling you she's using,
and what she's doing w/ her money,
cause she has nothing to show for it....
Now, adding onto that,
playing detective to your pot smoking hubby,
just to make sure he's not using crack again,
the pot and drinking you'll deal with,
You don't focus on her having another child,
though she's not taking care of the one she already has,
Which if the newborn is born addicted to anything,
can lead to, not only the newborn being taken away,
but the child she has now, as well.
THAT'S WHAT YOU SHOULD BE WORRIED AND FOCUSED ON
To the Helping Hand II
When you start asking for my money...you dang well better be prepared for me to ask what happened to yours especially when you recieved $12,000 in addition to your regular pay.
2. Husband #2 is not the child I carried in my stomach, you know flesh of my flesh. Truthfully, he can kill himself....I'll get over it but my child..............
3.Her admission would change things in the sense that I could address her going to a rehab program without that big thing called DENIAL still in existence.
4.Hate to disappoint you..........but most people love me and the ones that might not care for me already know.....their feelings don't validate me as a person.
5.By the way if the darn smoke detector goes off everyday......good it let's me know it might save my life or that of a love one.
6.YOU'RE LATE MY DEAR....I PERSONALLY REPORTED HER TO CHILD PROTECTIVE SERVICES.....AMERICA NEED A BETTER SYSTEM.....OR AS THE WORKER PUT IT BEING ON DRUGS DOES NOT MAKE YOU A BAD PARENT!!!!!!!!!
7. As for her being arrested, that's exactly what I want. Perhaps then she will get some help.I KNOW HOW TO STEP IN FOR THE CHILDREN!!
In conclusion; I worry about my unborn grandchild and the fact that she's being exposed to drugs. Before you BLAH,BLAH,BLAH YOUR BIG FREEKIN MOUTH>>>>>>GET THE FACTS OR BE MORE PERRY MASON LIKE BEFORE PRESENTING THE CASE TO THE JURY. WOW.......I'M HAVING A HOT FLASH
Let me start with a statement, that I have zero to none tolerance to somebody who is pregnant ans still using drugs.
You daughter is not capable to take care of two children nor herself, and she has one more on the way? So the question, if she is lying or not -- is irrelevant!
Please call Stoney Blevins (919) 212-7433 / Gaye Styron (919) 212-7460, they would be able to advise you.
Medically wise,
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Posted:Sep 24, 2006 - 08:42 AM
and many more
Posted:Oct 13, 2006 - 06:16 AM
To the Helping Hand II