Post subject: AM I SICK OR WHAT? DO I REALLY LOVE CRACK THIS MUCH?
some of you have been waiting for me to once again start a thread of my own. and i knew i would get around to it when the time was right. well the time is now, because i want to try and get serious (was i ever) about this drug i no longer want in my life.
i'm going to start this thread with the intention of trying to express to some of those people who might think that we are just on some kind of joy ride, (well if it's ruining your life why don't you just quit) and those who feel that we choose the drug over the ones we love (if you loved me then you'd quit)
some of you know my history somewhat and know that in spite of the fact that i have no real clean time behind me, that i am earnestly looking to rid myself of this addiction. OR AM I? a short while ago i mentioned that i had a clean day in. i was offered support by certain persons who value my life, perhaps a fair bit more than i myself do. i was overwhelmed to the point of tears. i truly believed that i had behind me the undeniable support and reason to quit on the spot or at least move forward to obtaining that freedom i believe i want.
so let me just quickly brief you on my day today.
last night around midnight i drove my vehical into a driveway that i have recently become comfortably familiar with. i had arrived here the first time because of one particular person. i met her two years ago. she was nineteen then. my oldest son and i first met her on the street. this was her home. she was very pretty and quite fragile looking as she stood alone against four other people who were attacking her. i can never forget how helpless and frightened she looked. i intervened and i only had to say the words 'are you alright' with a confidence that made her attackers back off. that might have been the end of our meeting right there except that she'd followed me for three blocks and waited for me to exit a store i had went into. when i come out she said that she just had to say that you noticed the celtic triangle knot design on my throat and just had to tell me she thought it was awesome. and then she actually surprised me by not doing what i was so expecting. she didn't hit me up for change. that moment marked the beginning of what has become one of the most real friendships with a woman that i'd ever had. ours had become very much similar to a father, daughter relationship. not long after that i discovered she was a heroin addict. while being fully aware that i could not help her overcome her addiction i had become quite protective of her. i simply could not see harm come to her if there was anything i could do to prevent it. i was not a drug addict at the time i met her, nor ever had been.
a few nights ago i watched her being arrested for possession of drugs for the purpose of selling. i was her driver. last night when i entered the driveway i emmediatley had a police officers weapon pointed directly between my eyes and told to get out of my vehical. while i stood handcuffed against my van i watched as six members of the emergency response team moved quietly into position on the rooftop, weapons prepared to fire. i knew they were out of range from the surveillance cameras, the one to cover that side of the building was to be installed the next day. one of the six persons inside of the building, whom i'd come to befriend is taking the leap into a treatment center this monday coming, she's twenty seven and misses her life. i was going to help her move her belongings the next day from the place she shared with her crack-head boyfriend. he is also inside. there is another young man in there whom i'd never met yet. and then there is my young woman friends boyfriend and his friend.
suddenly a command is shouted and the raid begins. battering rams smash through several mesh screened windows, glass shattering downwards and then the barrage of flash stun grenades and tear gas cannisters as they are shot through the openings. i feel crushed as i witness this and feel so sorry for the terror the woman inside must be experiencing.
it's hard to stand up and present yourself for what you are because of something that alters and controls your mind, even harder when society finds your lifestyle so repulsive.
the first thing they demanded of me when they removed me from my van was 'where's your crack-pipe'. i literally found that funny. what a signifant thing to say in the heat of the moments chaos. i said i didn't have one. a mocking voice then says, 'oh come on now, you're not really expecting us to believe that you are not an addict. i yelled back, ya! i am an addict. i'm a crack head. i don't have my pipe with me. i was scared for sure of the sheer noise of the assault of the building and i was so glad that i was not in there on the recieving end of it.
in the same moment the attack began i was uncuffed and told to beat it. i know that the girl and her boyfriend and the other young man will also be emmediately released, unless they actually have a pipe on their possession, and of course they wont, but if by chance they did, they can only be detained for i believe up to 72 hours. anything under a half 8 ball in your possession is simply siezed. there is only one person in the building that they want and possibly his friend too, i don't know the extent of their business relationship. my woman friend will probably be released today and probably without charges. the police wont need her to testify against her partner as they have her and i exiting the building together and therefore in possession of the drugs they later confiscated.
as of this moment i have been awake for just about 72 hours. all my money and personal stash were in the building. i got by on borrowed tokes the rest of the evening. i and a dope sick woman who is recuperating on my couch will soon go out and start collecting on monies owed. we will buy crack. i'm hungry, but there's no food in the house, and really that is not a concern to me now. i just want to be embracec by that ever loving high.
so if there's anyone out there in the crowd who thinks i'm doing this because i enjoy it, then hey, feel free to say so, but make damn sure you know first hand what kind of a person i was and what kind of a life i lived prior to 9 months ago. and to anyone out there who wonders why their love for their partner is not enough, just don't even think that way.
_________________ I can embrace myself, hold my own hand, love me - but, I can't gaze into my own eyes and feel my own soul lift me up.
Wow, i really don't know what to say. You know you are right, its not about how much your partner loves you. They really can't see straight, all they want is to get that high and they can't think about anything else. I really feel sorry for the addict because its sometimes stronger than them. We all talk here about how hard it is for us to have an addicted loved one in our lives but sometimes we don't realize what they are going throught. It doesn't make it okay or do i excuse their ways of acting or what they put us throught, but i could just imagine how much of a fight it is for them to want to get their life back. Flaggin my prayers are with you and hope you find the strength in yourself to keep safe. You are in my thoughts.
Hi there flaggin the draggon, I just wanna say to you tonight as I read your story that I have felt that way too at one point in my life, being in and out of jail sucked for me and getting a falony that makes it hard to work for lot of companies sucks. I had people crying for me to get off the dope I didn't see the problem I didn't care. You say you have a son how does he feel? you said there aint no food in your fridge I been there I feel for you what will it take? I will be your friend. Staight up sounds like a bad situation, my son's dad is hooked on heroin said thing I let him go not cause I didn't care but he would only hurt me and my son. Point is either you wanna quit or you don't but definately try to decide before you have to reach rock bottom like I did.I lost nearly everything. I almost died just so you know my heart stop I bearly reached the hospital because I overdosed on crack, and it sucked. ...........
They really can't see straight, all they want is to get that high and they can't think about anything else.
i have wondered about that myself. because i know that i can see straight, yet something over rides the logic.
lynn is right to come down hard on me, but the only thing i find wrong with her response is that i don't want to appear that i am asking for someone to rescue me. i take what i can from this site and try to make it work for me somehow. i guess at this point in my addiction, i am sharing my experiences only in an attempt to try and give the non-addict some insight into the rational of their loved one. i know that some of you might feel sorry for me, but i am not even looking for sympathy. i've long given up on that. lynn is a recovering addict herself and i can totally understand her approach towards me. not to put lynn down in any manner at all but i remember about 14 years ago when i was a full on alcoholic. i weent to a.a. for three months and then remained sober for three whole years. during that time i had become very self-righteous toward other alcoholics. simply, i felt, that if i, (the most hardcore of drinkers) could quit, then so could anyone. i was always of the attitude that others were just not giving it their all and were not serious about quitting. i started drinking again after three years and swore that i would never allow myself to be self-righteous again. i realized we all suffer addictions on various levels. whatever lynn might be, i respect and appreciate her words.
when i drank, all i wanted to do was get drunk. it was simple, i wanted to escape from my problems. i don't feel that i am trying to escape from problems here, although they continue to grow as i use. i keep trying to work on this thing about the physical/mental thing. the drug does not control my belief that it is physical, yet it somehow continues to make my body believe that it needs it. i can't seem to get past that
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but i could just imagine how much of a fight it is for them to want to get their life back.
some of us haven't arrived to the point yet that we admit we want our lives back. i can understand how i must sound redundant and even pathetic stating that i do want my life back and yet appear to not be taking the proper measures. in all honesty, if i could just leave for treatment tomorrow i would go. but i would have no one to look after my affairs/personal belongings, whatever. i can't afford treatment.
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I'm on my way out the door for a haircut.....
that's good! i thought i was on my way out the door soon to collect some money and buy crack when i started this thread, however, i did end up falling asleep for about 20 hours. i do feel better now. i didn't have food in the house, however, i do know a thing or two and so i baked a loaf of bread and made some fresh pasta. also a few fresh vegetables out of my garden. good thing i learned something before i became a crack head
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dope sick woman who is recuperating on my couch
this woman, crack/heroin user, ripped me off substantially the very first opportunity she had. this was about two weeks ago. i eventually confronted her and let her know that i understood her motives but that from now on i cared nothing to be friends with her and that she should never expect any favors whatsoever, no matter how small. she did not ask me for help the other morning. i knew she was sick, i knew she had to get off the street, i know what it's like to not have someone to help you out in times of need. my being associated with the circle that was involved with the drug bust the other night was not about accessability to drugs, it was about being there with and looking out for this woman friend i'd met two years ago. i suppose, if it was not for my concern for her, then i would not have had a gun put in my face. by the way, i've learned today, that everyone arrested had been released the next day without charges. they were able to flush everything before the police could smash their way in.
i know that association with drug users does not make things easier for me, but even before i ever became an addict myself, i have always extended hospitality towards those in need, even those, that most people would rather ignore. i definitely would not go out of my way to build friendships with drug addicts but this one woman is my friend for reasons other than drugs and i guess now i have to take a closer look at how our friendship is affected because i too am now an addict.
_________________ I can embrace myself, hold my own hand, love me - but, I can't gaze into my own eyes and feel my own soul lift me up.
i've offered an explanation as to why i stopped sharing about myself on this site in a reply to motherof2 in her post entitled,"newbie, husband addicted" in the family, cocaine and crack addiction forum.
it might lend some insight to some to understand why i stopped talking. it certainly wasn't because i intended to decieve anyone here while i smoked my crack. to this day i wonder how adverse an affect my dicision to close up has had on me. i remember talking to my son about it, that i thought i had made a mistake and how difficult and lonely it had become for me to not be able to share.
_________________ I can embrace myself, hold my own hand, love me - but, I can't gaze into my own eyes and feel my own soul lift me up.
I have tried to rescue many a wounded bird only to have them go astray, one comes to mind, that happened many years ago..
what i had to look at was if my motives were pure and under examination i had to say i had some expectation, which is okay, we are human, but it is a long shot that they would ever live up to them... do i regret it? no, because even though she eventually went back to what i was trying to rid her of..., i got to spend time with her son (6 at the time) and to this day, (he is now 19) i am still thought of as the best male role model in his life, even though it was only 6 months.. At the end of the day you do what your heart and soul guide you to do and try to get the ego to take a break.
I wish you luck my friend, i believe partially in the daily reading below, but if we cannot be of service to our fellow travelers in a unconditional way, then we are just numbers taking up space.
http://www.hazelden.org/servlet/hazelde ... 020Today's thought is:
Time spent attempting to change others affords little time for personal change.
--Georgette Vickstrom
We must be willing to change or we wouldn't be reading these words right now. However, being willing to change is often easier than doing it. One of the biggest changes most of us need to make is learning to let others be who they are, regardless of who we want them to be. Most of us think our lives would be far smoother and more productive if only other people lived up to our standards. How wrong we are!
It we could change others as we wish, we would live far less enlightened lives. In fact, we discover opportunities for personal development in our interactions with the men and women who frustrate us so. The irony is that we wish they'd change, but if they did, we wouldn't experience the growth we deserve.
I will enhance my growth today by letting others be who they are and working on myself
Why do you feel I haven't engaged you all this time,
regarding your addiction or things you sound off on here??
cause you know i know. you know i'm going to beat it. maby no-one else reminds you of yourself more than i do.
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that I'm at a loss for words
somehow it doesn't surprise me at all that i've caused you to be at a loss for words.
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What I wasn't prepared for, was to read what I did.
Being afraid to venture beyond that post and risk,
increasing the heavy burden already seared in my mind.
I left and didn't read anything else,
what is it lynn that i've said that seems to have shaken you. am i that much of a challenge for you that i have burdened you.
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When I play and listen to that song now,
Not only do I think back, to when that was me
but,...I think of you too,
and now with that dATmn tattoo..
Mmmm mm, one of my biggest turn ons...
Working hands
Tattoos
Piercings..
Throw in a bike..
please..I'm a goner
Just turn me over and call me done!
spank you now or later?
_________________ I can embrace myself, hold my own hand, love me - but, I can't gaze into my own eyes and feel my own soul lift me up.
you're a swell gal, keepitreal, i can see how the moniker, keepitsimple, would not work for you. i guess you've lost me. sorry i did not live up to your expectation to decipher your dialoque. i listened to the song, it reminds me of a place in time. but hey, keep on biking, i'm open to your input.
_________________ I can embrace myself, hold my own hand, love me - but, I can't gaze into my own eyes and feel my own soul lift me up.
Dear Lynn,
LMAO,well I dont consider myself the bomb,but if thats what you think,wow,remind me not to send you a picture lol.Ive been a little touchy latly and now that you explained and I reread the post.I get it ok.Its good to see Bill back and Flaggin posting his heart out.Hope everythings going ok in Michelles world.Been sending you a few e-mails.I might be off line for a week towards the end of the month changing phone noumber.Maybe i might be getting a new computer,hopefully.Well later,its late just got up for a smoke so thought id check in.
Love ya
Diane
boundaries seem to be non-existant in the drug world. i am finding, perhaps too late, that i am trying to establish some boundaries of my own. i can't think of any reason for wanting to do this, except as a prelude to taking some serious steps toward recovery.
i did not make it to work today for two reasons. one, i was up all night helping a girl move her belongings from the place she shared with a boyfriend. over the course of the evening she used up all of my time on my cell phone and we burned all the gas in my van. but even if i had the energy to go to work, i couldn't anyway because i threw my back out the night of the raid. i called my boss and told him that i would try to rest up my back and make it in tomorrow.
she left and i slept for 7 hours. my van sits out on the road with all her possessions and no gas. she arrives here now just after midnight. she had forty for gas but has instead spent it on crack. well i don't mind. i'm enjoying some tokes. but the thing is we have to get gas in the tank. then i have to help her unload. whatever, i think i am going to be up all night. i doubt i'll make it to work again tomorrow. why am i helping this girl if it is interfering in my life. well, she is supposed to be going into treatment tomorrow. her mom called me tonight and i told her i would make sure i get her home before morning. i can't afford treatment. i want to make sure this girl gets there. maby i feel it's best to keep her in my company until such time.
allright, another thing that happened tonight that makes me think that angels are on my side and that keepitreals' prayer is answered, is amount of opportunities given to me by people to get it together. for the past eight months i have not been able to pay my rent on time. as of today i still owe a third of my rent for this month and next month is fast coming. my landlord has been calling for the past five days and for the first time i have just decided that i was no longer going to return his calls. it is enough already that he has been lenient this long. tonite he came to the house. he said to me that in his experience as a landlord (20 years) that he has learned to read tenants. he told me that he suspected a substance abuse problem. he also told me that he believed that addicts were very skilled in telling lies to accomadate every situation affected by substance abuse. that addicts were very good at juggling these lies but that eventually it all comes tumbling down. i felt a little on the spot but then i realised that this moment, where he is standing there, everything i have tried to juggle for so long was in fact beginning to tumble down. for a second i thought of the consequence of telling the truth, that he would evict me. but there was something about his manner that told me it was time to come clean and so i did. i told him i was addicted to cocaine these past nine months. anyway, he told me he was not going to be my crutch, but he is prepared to work with me. but he has made it clear that i have to show that i am taking serious measures to get help. he wants me to go to meetings. it's interesting, because this is the first time in the nine months that i have been using where i am now facing some real accountability.
anyway, i am very greatful that i am being allowed these chances to try and straighten my life out. i've always feared that people would treat me like sh*t when they find out i'm an addict. but what i'm finding time and time again is that people think i am a nice guy with a heart. i think i am too but i know that if i stay with the drug that i will change.
so now i have to start making some serious choices. this is why i started this post as i did, telling about my involvement with a drug operation that leads to a swat member pointing a gun in my face. i was not intending to relay some sort of 'right out of hollywood movie' event. but i want to show where i am heading from that night. obviously, thus far it was not enough to make me quit on the spot, but it is enough for me to admit now that i am indeed powerless over the devil and that i cannot do this without some sort of proffessional help.
i feel lucky to have had the desire to research and understand this drug from the begginning. so many would never give it a second thought. i am glad that i have challenged it and explored as many of it's complex angles as i could.when i think back to that two week period where i purposely injected to the point where i felt the chill move into my limbs and the feeling that my life was slipping away, that sensation of knowing that i was right on the line, (you all must think i'm insane, well i am, so what) that sensation of waking up in the morning and feeling the rush of being alive. to me that is an experience that i do not regret having. i mean i could have just got high over and over and that would have been an even bigger waste. but i remember when i first felt that horrible fear, recognizing it's incredible control over me. i remember when i openly stated that i was not going to run from this thing i feared, but that instead i intended to let it live with me in my space, so that i could get to know the drug better, so that i might find it's weakness and therefore control it. i failed, but geez, did i give it effort, but who the he|l really cares in the end.
i said to my son recently that there will exist a certain resentment in me when i am free of this demon. while fortunate, i believe, to have already lost touch with family and friends for other reasons prior to my drug use, because it hasn't been easy to watch those few who remained, slip silently away, as though i no longer existed.i am alone now at this point. my three sons, they remained loyal. my dad has been silent for so long now. wow!, people really noticed me didn't they. to the point where they were horrified and ran. they didn't live this past nine months and i would never want anyone to have to. but what is it going to mean when i quit. this is where perhaps my thinking might be somewhat screwed, but what do i get for having participated in this science project, so to speak. it's not that i am looking for recognition for making it to the summit of mt. coke and back again, but i think that i am going to feel a resentment for being the soul person to have any understanding of what this experience entailed. so many now think i am weak and well i am, at the moment. but who is ever going to think, what strength it must have took. i am recognized as a junkie now. oh, why am i even going on like this. of course if i am no longer a junkie, well, i will probably be somewhat similar to who i was before this happened and that is what i am seeking. i say similar because without doubt this experience will have made a profound change in the way i will view life. something so powerful cannot disappear without having changed the physical and mental landscape of my life. soon, very soon i hope, i will walk away from this episode in my life. when i do i will hold my head high and know that i have a purpose in this life. i will feel rewarded to know that i had mingled with an element of society that some either fear or ignore because of ignorance. i will feel good knowing that although i might live a life, perhaps more comfortable than what the street offers, that i would never look down on these brothers and sisters of mine. down there on hastings street, that's the price that's paid for societies quest for wealth. you can't take that element out of the picture, they are a cog in the wheel that runs the monetary nerve pulse we live by. sure i wish for equal status and opportunity, but it aint going to happen. i do not want to end up living as they do, but i will never wipe my feet on them and will be happy to try and educated the ignorant and misinformed. those people are as close as you get to real people, they got no makeup to hide behind.
anyway i'm rambling. but i'm just trying to say that i want to, i hope to and ought to soon move on with my life. and if anyone thinks i was on a joyride, that notion itself will only show that i am the wealthier person in the end.
_________________ I can embrace myself, hold my own hand, love me - but, I can't gaze into my own eyes and feel my own soul lift me up.
i will walk away from this episode in my life. when i do i will hold my head high and know that i have a purpose in this life
You will flaggin,from what i have been reading you have a good heart and like to help people so maybe that is your perpose,but instead of the ative users, maybe at the soup kitchen or the boys and girls club.Either way you will have compassion for thoes down on their luck and you will come out of this a stronger and wiser person for having experienced the other side.
Diane
When I went to treatment last time, i was able to pay for most of it thru a scholarship program. My friend was able to make payments. The first time I was able to go with county assistance, even though I was employed, but had made a shambles of my finances.. Since you are seemingly being guided a bit by angels, why don't you ride the streak a bit and make a few phone calls. I was amazed how the doors opened up for me when i really needed them to.
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