you know, i'm just too beat to write much. but, i'm still clean. i bonded with my grandson yesterday for the first time. i know, he turns two months old tomorrow. why am i only seeing him now? because that is the way it happened. i'll explain later. but it was awesome. i held him for quite a long time. i fed him a bottle, i burped him, i bounced him on my knee, i told him that if he wanted to take the liberty of sh*tting all over me, that he could, as i was his grandfather after all, but that it could only be a one time event. he passed. i made him smile (no huge effort on my part)as some of you gals will agree; some, a little more than others. ha,ha. and he's a great crier. popped his soother in his mouth a couple of dozen times. picked his soother up from the floor a couple of dozen times. rinsed his soother under running water a couple of dozen times. asked his mother for some duct tape once. won't ask her the next time. i tried speaking to him in japanese but i am not that fluent and so he wasn't able to understand what i was saying. i then spoke to him in english, but he was still unable to understand me, as he is not too fluent in english. so anyway, i officially took on the role of grandpal to, zeth shou (sho)and i look forward to many, many opportunities to be a contributing influence in his life. a short while later, my other sons, skye and tom, their mother, helen and her partner kevin, arrived. and that is where i sit today. i came out here fifteen years ago, alone. now i am surrounded by three sons, a grandson, a daughter in law, a very supportive ex wife and her partner who is a respected member of the family, in my eyes. when i think about it, that's not a bad accomplishment. really makes me wonder what i found so gratifying about smoking crack. the part that amuses me the most, is that every single one of them, excepting zeth, are always asking me questions about anything, that has everything to do with something that i know nothing about. like just because i got grey hair doesn't mean i'm smart. most times i just ad lib and wing my way through it. for example, my daughter in law, who is not overly fluent in english yet, approached me with a macdonalds big mac container that had a considerable amount of white powder in it. she was asking me something in japanese, however, her pronounciation was not quite up to par and so i had to resort to my keen understanding of sign language, which involved two of her eyes staring wide opened into mine, (yes, no, that's what i meant. of course, she only has two eyes. like the rest of us. ya, i know), anyway, her two eyes were looking at me and her index finger was pointing accusingly at the heap of white powder in the big mac container. well, sh*t. was i busted or not. i could of swore i'd put that away off the counter before she arrived. anyway, i wasn't sure what to say. i kinda just threw my arms up in the air for a second, then i looked right back at and i said, MAKI!!, NEW INVENTION!! AMERICAN!! (then i did that, darth vader, my vacuum cleaners hoses' last breath noise} and i said, INSTANT BIG MAC HAMBURGER!! YUM!,YUM! her eyes opened still larger and i said, YA!, JUST ADD WATER. STIR (i made excited stirring motion in air) THEN MICROWAVE THEN EAT! she said, EAT!! i said, YA, EAT!!(rubbed my hand in circular motion over my tummy) and as she turned to walk away, i put my hand on her shoulder and i said, MAKI!!, you're something else. welcome to my family. then i went over and grabbed my kid and said, you better go talk to your wife. she's gonna mix up that lepage's poly filla and eat it. he just rolls his eyes; yells to skye, SKYE,TAKE YOUR DAD OUT ON THE PORCH AND PUT HIM ON HIS LEASH. anyway, i find it's pretty cool, being the head of the family. i think i'll stick for awhile.
Lynn,
you called and left a message on my phone. i know it was you, cuz you said it wuz you. i'm doing fine, thank you. i'm running a family. i hear you're soon off on a date with GOOFY!! isn't that the same dog you went out with last year? you know, i've heard a few stories about that guy. you'd be pretty wise in my books if you took jacob along with you as a chaperone, if you know what i mean. anyway, you have a great time. don't do anything i wouldn't do. pretty much meaning, you've got free reign to do as you choose. just make sure to take some pictures.
and yes,
i love you too, lynn
what would i do if i didn't have you checking up on me.
Bill,It is so good to here your doing so well and enjoying your family.We have so much to be greatful for in this life.Keep on going your rewards are yet to come.
Hugs Diane
Post subject: THIS IS HOW YOUR MIND REACTS TO CRACK
while on the site last night, i noticed that someone had returned who'm i hadn't seen here in sometime. i private messaged the person with a positive note indicating that i'd hoped they were doing well.
this is the responce they returned to me. i'm taking the liberty to share it with all, in my opinion it's quite sad, but in my clean state of mind i can't help but find it outrageously funny.
Subject: I'm living Again Send on: Apr 02, 2007 - 01:17 AM
Hey, you served as such an inspiration to me. You gave me that last kick in the *censored ( | ) that I needed. Your negative comments served me in such a positive way that I did not have to come back to this site. Since the last time that I came here, things have really picked up, and I don't mean the pipe or bong,which you may have just put down.Or about to pick up, you are intelligent,yet you let your emotions overcome your intellingence, you are sad. You use this site as your emotional tampon in between hits of crack or whatever it is that you do. I am sure you don't let it all out here. I know, been there, done that. You sit here like the almighty on this site, observe others, critique others that are half your age. When the only observation you should be making is when you go to the spot and buy your rocks.
Take a moment one night, when you take the pipe, drive home and instead of your bedroom, or living room, or whatever ?/|\ you go to, go in front of a mirror. Grab that lighter, put your rock in your pipe, breathe in, ever so slowly. Light it, listen to it crackle, here she comes, the love of your miserable life, take here in deeply, hold her in, embrace that smoke, as she takes up there, now let go, let it go. Ahhh,you're here again with her. Ahhhh, she loves you, she loves not...That beautiful rock that has made you into nothing, she makes you beg, she makes you starve, she enslaves you.Look at the image in the mirror, look closely as soul goes away say goodbye now. Yet, with the kaliber of intelligence that you seem to possess, you do not know how to let her go. You talk about her in the worst way, yet you love her so much, dont' you???? You are the weak one, you are the one who is full of *censored sh_t. One of the reasons you are addicted to crack or whatever it is, is because here on this site you have a captive audience. You justify yourself, you bully people with smart *censored ( | ) comments, childish at times. People who listen your bullshit. You are a wasted mind, you are a wasted soul, remember when you take your pipe out by the lake, remember when people applaud your menial accomplishments on this site. It takes a small man to tell others about how you have to decide over a bag of rice and break it down in units, or whatever you contemplate to get that hit of CRACK. You should never critize anyone on here, this site is your excuse, this site is your emotional tampon, it is time you got another one. It is time to put down the pipe my FELLOW ADDICT... If you lived in N.Y.C., you would not make it a week with your mentality, or attitude, or maybe you could turn yourself around...You see, your problem is coming here, to this site. You excuse your drug use here, you start over with every post that you make, then you go and buy rocks, and suck in that pipe and justify yourself by dissing others, who are no where near where you have plummeted. I want to thank you for your silly, menial and self-serving comments. You may impress your fellow addicts with your know it all comments. The only one that is full of *censored sh_t here is you, buddy. The last six-weeks or so have brought me into a new way of life, making about 100k a year. You would think about how much crack a day you could buy, or units of rice, lol...Change your wicked ways, you sound smart enough to let her go(CRACK!!!!) Please do, maybe you will be able to get off the short bus. Or maybe you will end up under it. Don't you have a son??? Be a man, let it go, for him...
By the way, I haven't seen cocaine, since the I last time I was on this site, or since I proclaimed a change of life. Look at the rewards, Employed, 100k a year, without the education that you seem to have. As aforementioned, you are a wasted soul, wasted mind. Do yourself a favor, get of this site and stop justifying yourself. It is equivalent to mental masturbation. Have you comed yet???
I hope that you can handle constructive criticism, I did...Now I can toot my own horn...I'll be back.
_________________ I can embrace myself, hold my own hand, love me - but, I can't gaze into my own eyes and feel my own soul lift me up.
Last edited by flaggin on Apr 02, 2007 - 03:09 PM; edited 1 time in total
Bill,It is so good to here your doing so well and enjoying your family.We have so much to be greatful for in this life.Keep on going your rewards are yet to come.
Hugs Diane
thanks diane. yes indeed the rewards are there and i'm sure they will only multiply as i continue to maintain my independance from the drug.
i know that you will also continue to seek that same independance. i'm watching you and always hoping for you to arrive to that point yourself. i keep thinking about your stress issue and you know it stems primarily from your smoking. you will let it go some day. in the meantime, i fully agree with you that you can not beat yourself down for still using, or slipping when you have some clean time behind you, but you do need to keep rehashing and identifying the issues that cause you to smoke. you need to get your health and life back on track. besides, i may need to call on you for some advice from a fellow grandparent sometime. be no good if i need to dig down six feet through the ground, only after having cleared the snow away, just to chat with you.
take care,
bill
_________________ I can embrace myself, hold my own hand, love me - but, I can't gaze into my own eyes and feel my own soul lift me up.
be no good if i need to dig down six feet through the ground, only after having cleared the snow away, just to chat with you.
No that would not be good,believe me I wont want you to have to do this either lol.Well im a little down today,I got a new car sitting out there but its been snowing for two days,and I am so the worst winter driver,so there it sits.I can look at it through the window but I am not convenent enough after having two accendents in a six month period and if that isnt bad enough I move here borrow my sons truck and have a accendent witch cost him 2000 dollars.Needless to say that puts a damper on my driving scills lol.Anyways off to work soon just wanted to say I love hearing your doing well.
Hugs Diane
P.S.I know I cant spell
this is the responce they returned to me. i'm taking the liberty to share it with all, in my opinion it's quite sad, but in my clean state of mind i can't help but find it outrageously funny.
What a pathetic piece of sh!t she is....F-cking crack wh*re...
The only reason that *censored "Female Dog",
can so vividly describe what she did,
is cause she hitting the pipe...or rather...
sucking the devil's d!ck...that broad is whacked!!
She's jealous your clean and she's not....ROFLMFAO
I Love You!
Lynn
_________________ If you can not stand for something, you will fall for everything
The only reason that *censored "Female Dog",
can so vividly describe what she did,
is cause she hitting the pipe...or rather...
sucking the devil's d!ck...that broad is whacked!!
i know. it's so incredibly obvious. how can some people resent sobriety in another to such a degree?
none the less, lynn, it does offer some of us the opportunity to
Quote:
ROFLMFAO
you can't ask for a more entertaining way to keep in shape.
bill
p.s. not so sure it's a b*tches responce.
_________________ I can embrace myself, hold my own hand, love me - but, I can't gaze into my own eyes and feel my own soul lift me up.
i think i know exactly who it is you are referring to. no it wasn't. i'm pretty sure it's a guy. they only made a brief appearance on the site back awhile ago.
now you are indeed challenged, i see. but i do believe you can figure it out. i know how your deductive skills work. the wording he uses is quite unique. you would find a similar post if you dig. i guess one clue i failed to omit, as i would have made it as hard as possible for you is their location, nyc. another clue would be their reference to the school bus.
isn't that heidi klum in your avatar. she's got one hot looking finger!
_________________ I can embrace myself, hold my own hand, love me - but, I can't gaze into my own eyes and feel my own soul lift me up.
i think i know exactly who it is you are referring to. no it wasn't. i'm pretty sure it's a guy. they only made a brief appearance on the site back awhile ago.
now you are indeed challenged, i see. but i do believe you can figure it out. i know how your deductive skills work. the wording he uses is quite unique. you would find a similar post if you dig. i guess one clue i failed to omit, as i would have made it as hard as possible for you is their location, nyc. another clue would be their reference to the school bus.
isn't that heidi klum in your avatar. she's got one hot looking finger!
I did pick up NYC and the reference to the school bus.
I thought the spelling was too good.
Hmmm, let me think before I go digging
_________________ If you can not stand for something, you will fall for everything
Oh Bill, I remember this guy. He used pretty descriptive terms before and I didn't think it was a good idea then nor do I now. I actually had pm'd a few times with him, gave him some support and encouragement, but didn't correspond with him after reading his post which I felt would have been disturbing and difficult for someone striving for recovery to read.
I find his message to you to be ridiculous. I am glad that you were able to shrug it off as well. It was a pathetic attempt to disrupt your recovery and it makes me angry that he would make these statements to you.
In Forest's words, that's all I've got to say about that.
On a happier note, I read your post on Lynn's post and I want to thank you.
Mark received his 30 day chip last night, and he is doing quite well and is very happy with this accomplishment.
Without your input, and others here, I would not understand what I am able to see from your eyes, and for that I am forever grateful. I feel so close to everyone here, and it is because all those who contribute to the true meaning of the site share so unselfishly.
I know the joy that your family feels having you there as a major contributing member of their unit. Don't underestimate your value to them, or to me. I'm so glad you have finally bonded with Zeth, beautiful little guy that he is.
You are pulling it all together Bill, and you give me hope that there is hope and chance for recovery over this son of a *censored female d-g called crack.
You are a wonderful guy, don't believe anyone who would tell you otherwise.
Lynn,
you called and left a message on my phone. i know it was you, cuz you said it wuz you. i'm doing fine, thank you. i'm running a family. i hear you're soon off on a date with GOOFY!! isn't that the same dog you went out with last year? you know, i've heard a few stories about that guy. you'd be pretty wise in my books if you took jacob along with you as a chaperone, if you know what i mean. anyway, you have a great time. don't do anything i wouldn't do. pretty much meaning, you've got free reign to do as you choose. just make sure to take some pictures.
and yes,
i love you too, lynn what would i do if i didn't have you checking up on me.
_________________ If you can not stand for something, you will fall for everything
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That is too funny flaggin,oh well we cant be loved by all,but we love ya
