Um, ya think you're flattering yourself a bit there Bill? LOL
it's always the most eager who reply first, eh lucy? actually, if i were given the choice between flattery and mad hattery i'd choose a frontal lobotomy before a bottle in front of me.
hey i'm glad to hear that mark has 50 days. good for him.
_________________ I can embrace myself, hold my own hand, love me - but, I can't gaze into my own eyes and feel my own soul lift me up.
Bill in a satin smoking jacket with the cocainehelp.org insignia on it....tha sounds like a recipe for 3 hot tamales and a chimichanga!!!
Arriba Arriba Andale!!!!
is it possible for someone to get where you are right now in their recovery without rehab or intervention, or is it different for all situations.
lynn says:
Quote:
Nikki...Bill is a testimony
that recovery is possible without rehab.
you know, to this day i still fail to recognize the leaps and bounds that have marked the progress of my recovery. for the most part, i consider myself, the addict, who as recently as a week ago had used speed in such a manner that could only be viewed by others as a using addict who cannot maintain control over their choice to not use. but i know that those thoughts laid out above are only there to condition myself to believe that i am not worthy of escape from my addiction. but i also know that those are just surface thoughts.
plain and simple, i am an addict who
continues to use and has not heeded the warning put in front of me that sooner or later, my drug use may well end in death.
however, there are moments brought forth by others which allow me to look beneath the surface where vast segments of unique experiences help shape the direction my recovery is taking.
yes it is true that i may still occasionally use certain drugs to compensate for a tired body which continues to compete in this sometimes tired world, but the very reason that I would choose drugs at all is not simply for the high, but to escape areas of my life that occurred a long, long, time before I ever did drugs. I was an alcoholic for twenty years before I ever turned to drugs. I was an abused child for fifteen years before I ever turned to alcohol. I’ve been a lot of things for forty-eight years now. One of the biggest factors in my being here now is that I’m not a quitter. I’ve always figured that there is a place beyond the pain. It took a lot of trial and error for me to realize that some things can’t be fixed by others. I am an addict because I was subject to experiences that only I can claim ownership. Who else can truly understand and tell me the way to get over it. Some things I have to resolve for myself. That means me taking inititave to help myself. Who knows better than I, when the right time is, to resolve issues that disturb me. Lucky for me that no woman was involved when I decided to work on myself. Because if they were, then I likely wouldn’t be focused on me. I’d likely be more focused on convincing them that I was going to work on myself, when in fact, I wasn’t. that is why, my three marriages plus two other significant relationships didn’t last. Because I wasn’t ready to honestly deal with my issues because it was dependant on how someone else was feeling. F*ck that. And f*ck all those guys who can’t deal with their own issues, so instead make promises to the woman in their life, that they never keep. They know they never had it so easy. I say, a man that owns his problems, doesn’t force his woman to eat them.
So, can a person get to where I’m at by not going to treatment.? I say no. I got to where I’m at because I never said I was going to treatment. I was honest with myself and so had to find other ways. I didn’t try to fool myself and tide me over one more day with a false promise. If one thing wasn’t going to work, then I knew I had to try something else. And I had to try a lot of different things. I’m sure glad I didn’t have the opportunity to miss my calling because I was too busy looking at my chicks *ss, worrying about whether I’d ever get to kiss it again.
Some of these guys you women got are gutless pussies as far as I’m concerned. They’re so afraid of help, or finding themselves in a better way, that they’ll manipulate you as long as it takes for your face to grow all wrinkled. And then he’ll die on you. And you’ll be to old and bitter to even consider, ‘if I’d of done things differently’
I wouldn’t go to treatment. But what I did do was go to my ex wife and tell her that I felt I was not capable of giving my boys quality time when they visited because I was addicted to cocaine. Well I can’t remember exactly how long it was, but I lost contact with my boys for about four or five months. I didn’t know that would happen, but when it did, I knew I had to do something to get those boys back in my life. Good thing I wasn’t living with their mom at the time.. I’d have probably sat there looking at her *ss and lying to it.
That was my treatment. Pain. And I didn’t wait for someone else to dish it out on me. I took responsibility for my addiction. Am I clean today. No, not entirely. But I have not broken any promises. What has some of your guys done, besides talking about what they are going to do to address your concerns.
I wouldn’t have thought a year ago that I would be off cocaine, crack. But I have been now for some time. I really don’t think I will ever desire it again. But I’ve just done speed. So I’m not quite cured yet, am I? Am I substituting speed for crack. No. until I tried it, I had no idea what the high was. I took it for the reason to stay awake to work the long hours. Would I keep taking it. I’ll tell you, it sure would come in handy. Would I quit it if some woman told me she loved me. No, I wouldn’t and I didn’t. would I stop using it if I wanted to respect that woman’s concerns. I think that works for me.
Treatment isn’t the cure all in itself. It’s just a template designed to help you overcome and resolve the issues that cause you to have addictive behaviour. I had been taking councilling by my own initiative years before I ever became addicted to drugs. I’d been self helping myself for longer than I can remember. Where you see me now has taken decades to arrive. I was only hooked on cocaine and crack for ten months. How long has your guy been hooked. What are you going to think tomorrow when he is still sitting on the couch promising something to you. My best advice for some of you, kick him out or stock up on facial wrinkle remover.
Don’t look to me for the answer to your situation. Look to yourself. What do you want out of your life? What does he want out of your life and what is he willing to ‘not’ do, to make sure his life remains comfortable while living in your space. I’ll tell you, there was never a comfortable moment when I had to take a serious look at myself and how I affected the people around me.
Ya, I’ve come into love after five years of not being in love. I wouldn’t dare allow myself to accomadate her space in the state I am still in.
_________________ I can embrace myself, hold my own hand, love me - but, I can't gaze into my own eyes and feel my own soul lift me up.
Don’t look to me for the answer to your situation. Look to yourself. What do you want out of your life? What does he want out of your life and what is he willing to ‘not’ do, to make sure his life remains comfortable while living in your space. I’ll tell you, there was never a comfortable moment when I had to take a serious look at myself and how I affected the people around me.
Thank you very much for your responses flaggin, but like i said to answer to your above quote, my guestion wasn't to compare you or anyone for this matter to my situation or joes situation. I just wanted to ask you that guestion because I and only ME was curious to have that answer.
Nikki-
I'd like to offer up what I can on the subject too.
I think that there are all kinds of ways for people to become sober, and I think that we are fortunate today to have as many options out there available for addicts. I strongly feel that some type of formal rehab does help because of the foundation of recovery most of the rehabs are able to offer. I think inpatient rehab is a particularly good choice because it allows the addict to have some length of clean time under their belt to think more clearly of their addiction.
Ultimately, it always comes back to help is where you find it. Unfortunately, it is often difficult for addicts to reach out and ask for the help they need, the help that others are able to offer them. Often addicts are depressed and feeling guilt and frustration over their continued use, and therefore have a hard time asking for that help over and over again. So here we are to instead reach out to them and offer that hand to them, extend it out to them when you know they can't reach out to you first.
Bill has come to where he is by trial and error on his own part, based on his own experiences, and what a difficult road he has had to travel. I wonder how a man who has dealt with so much pain in his life can still be able to take that pain and put it out there in the hopes of helping others. To relive the suffering by sharing it to benefit someone else and perhaps save that person some pain, that is about the most unselfish act of human compassion I've seen. Bill is an extraordinary man, I do not feel we will be so fortunate as to find another quite like him in our lifetime. I feel honored to know him, and I believe that all the good karma he has put out there will come full circle and that life will hand him back some of the kindness and generosity he has put forth.
Nikki, you too are part of the treatment. You are here to offer support and encouragement to others who come here who are able to ask for a hand.
And Jenni-how do we order these satin smoking jackets? I think Bill wants to do some flashing.
There are lots of smoking jackets for sale on the web. We just have to decide what kind to get. Personally I think Bill should be wearing silk...fine fibers for a fine human being.
There are many styles to choose from. Oriental, 50's Style, Vintage, Hugh Heffner Pajama style. Perhaps Bill should let us know his preference.
well, you all know i am not one to pray. i just want everyone to understand that someone from this site, who is special to us all, and has contributed immeasurable support, is going through a very terrible time, which they do not deserve in the least.
simply, address your prayer to, a special person, and ask that they be watched over and guided back safely to their place on this site.
trust me on this one.
p.s. you could probably throw in a prayer for me too
_________________ I can embrace myself, hold my own hand, love me - but, I can't gaze into my own eyes and feel my own soul lift me up.
my guestion wasn't to compare you or anyone for this matter to my situation or joes situation.
likely not. however my responce was definetly inflamed with an anger which was directed toward the ongoing actions of one particular user. the effects that a user can have on the loved one has taken on a new perspective recently. it wasn't directed at you or joe, tho i do agree with lynn, that there is no action being taken by him to do anything at this point. unless i've missed something of course.
_________________ I can embrace myself, hold my own hand, love me - but, I can't gaze into my own eyes and feel my own soul lift me up.
I wonder how a man who has dealt with so much pain in his life can still be able to take that pain and put it out there in the hopes of helping others.
well lucy,
here's a quote out of an old letter that i've kept. an observation made of me back in 1987, by an old friend.
it seems alot of people have come your way only to bring you down, when rightfully you should have been raised. despite all this negativety in your life, what i truly admire is that you didn't merely endure, you prevailed! it seems almost illogical for you to have triumphed again and again, in the face of such overwhelming adversity and circumstances, but you have, and always without fail. not many people can do that. and to top it all off, you are not arrogant about it, rather humble and inclined to pass it off as nothing. what's really interesting is that you have this balance system, that keeps you alive, keeps you human. on the one scale, you have a tremendous power to do anything, to defy anything (or any laws) that gets in the way of your free spirit. on the other scale, there is self-doubt, and fear, and uncertainty, that keeps the other scale in check, and yourself from devestation and ruination. it's amazing, the one brings you up, the other down; and together they create a perfect balance. but when the scale tips either way to one side, that's when problems start. the tension between these two sides is what keeps you going, makes you really alive.
i have always strived to live and to be good and to live a good life. there has always been hardship as long as i can remember. i've always had to overcome it myself as there was no-one else who could understand why these hardships were always there. interesting thought though; a dear friend recently suggested that perhaps we will be reincarnated many times over, with each new life presenting many challenges which we will be tested on to rate our ability to overcome and succeed. as we pass through each life the challenges become more difficult and more numerous. with each passing we hopefully take with us the tools we have discovered that have helped us overcome past issues. it may be that i am on my last life and that it is full of challenges of which i will need to successfully overcome in order to move into my final life. hopefully one without challenges. what do you think?
and here i was stating with the picture theme, 'balance' that i was not capable of achieving balance in my life. oh well, my boo boo.
_________________ I can embrace myself, hold my own hand, love me - but, I can't gaze into my own eyes and feel my own soul lift me up.
Bill-
I am glad that your partner is doing better, and that you sound so happy. You are committed to this relationship, I can see that, and it appears that this is a sound partnership with a good balance. I certainly wish the best for you two.
I like the letter your friend wrote, it is an accurate description I think of you now still.
If there is reincarntation I would figure you should have a pretty cushy life next time around. I can't imagine you should have more trials to go thru! (Unless perhaps you were really that bad in your very 1st life.)
I find the subject of reincarnation intriguing, and it goes along with my way of thinking, karma.
I hope that great male legacy from your family will continue on and on, neverending.
Take care, Bill, and I'm glad you are happy because you deserve to be!
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