I can't even begin to summarize the drama and craziness I was twisted within while I was involved with my addicted ex boyfriend. I turned into a person I didn't know, and kept that person a secret (as best I could) from my family and closest friends. I was the strong-willed one, the independent, the one who wouldn't take crap from anyone. "Was" was the key word. Somehow I fell into some "trap" bound by love. My strong-will for good of myself morphed into a risk-it-all strong-willed determination to save my addict. Boy was I dreaming when I thought I could do that!
Addicts don't get better because we "save them". They get better because they save themselves. We can support their decisions to change and see them through their recovery with respect and admiration. But we cannot be the ones to decide their fate. I was stubborn. I still thought I could.
Finally the day came when so much insanity filled my surroundings that, (this is still very hard to put into words), for a moment time seemed to have stopped. In the blink of an eye I saw everything that was around me and what I had become, like I was seeing it from the eyes of an outsider. I knew at that moment I had to change. LORD KNOWS WHERE THE STRENGTH CAME FROM. IT WAS JUST TIME. I KNEW IT AND I HELD ONTO THAT KNOWLEDGE AND STRENGTH WITH ALL MY MIGHT.
Don't think you can't do it, that you can't walk away, that you can't be saved from your insanity. Don't say "I have nothing" or ask "Where do I possibly start?" like you have no options. I had nothing. I had no money, no real friends, and had lost so much respect from my family. I also had very little respect left of myself. I still did it. Know why? Cuz I WANTED to. We have choices in our lives, and we can control where we want our lives to be (for the most part), particularly when it comes to how much we put up with when we are involved with a drug user.
You can love your addict by staying. But you can love your addict by leaving too. I knew nothing was changing while I stayed with him. I had proof of that. And that's not to say that they change if you leave. I left my addict on January 1st of 2005. Guess what.... he still calls me once every four months or so, trashed out of his mind, crying or in a crazed fit of anger over something like being locked out of his apartment or failing to get a job.
My point: SOME PEOPLE NEVER CHANGE. And they choose not to change... for themselves. No one is forcing a straw up their nose. Help is everywhere. They choose not to take it. I had the power to leave and take control of my own life, and my Lord, I could not have made a better decision for myself. The idea that for the past two years I could have been sinking deeper and deeper into the he|l I was in, is just unthinkable for me now. I am so happy, successful and life-fulfilled today that I could never fathom going back.
You CAN be a savior. Of YOURSELF.
I'm so frikkin proud of myself, and hope to share some experienced insight for those who are struggling with the decision of staying or leaving. It's been nearly two years and I'm still on the right track. If I can do it, anyone can.
_________________ I did what I had to do to get away--->Hard work--->It was the greatest decision of my life.
_________________ Your Admin, Gene. -=People who ask our advice almost never take it. Yet we should never refuse to give it, upon request, for it often helps us to see our own way more clearly. =-
After reading your story i realized that i am reading my own life. To tell you the truth I have not posted in the last couple of days because I wasn't sure i felt comfortable. I never wanted to piss people off and get people to feel uncomfortable here with my story but I have realized that coming here should of given me the strength to do what you did. I was given the tools and all the resources to put a stop to this madness and i haven't. That makes me feel quite embarassed. I know one thing that is true about me is my feelings and what i feel right mow. I might not be that could at expressing my feelings in a clear way, but i am getting better. I am so used to talking with people face to face that its much easier to express myself than on the computer but i could improve that to. I appreciate everyone here and i mean everyone,,,,,,,including keepitreal.
Lynn, I am truly sorry for the run in we had together. I never wanted it to get that far. I understand your frustration with me as i understand everyone's frustration with me. I know that everyone wants the best for me and that its frustrating when you care deeply about that person and you can't stand to see them hurt any longer and they just don't get it (and that person is me)its very frustrating . Lynn I hope you are doing okay and that you come back to the site and do what you do best and thats care about people and their well being in your own special way.
To everyone here, i will keep coming to this site to get what i need to help me get throught all this and when i have a break through i will definately let everyone know.
Thanks to everyone and i will talk to you all very soon.
Nikki
Though I view our blowup as unfortunate,
my opinion remains the same, regretting nothing I said,
other then my choice of words in some instances.
Once I had been told:
"You can cure by using words, you can kill by using words, always remember about sterility of your words"
keepitreal wrote:
Actually,
the one problem I have been facing with him lately is,
his irritation by my continuing refusal to marry him.
I understand that family life requires more responsibility, but also brings more stability.
_________________ Your Admin, Gene. -=People who ask our advice almost never take it. Yet we should never refuse to give it, upon request, for it often helps us to see our own way more clearly. =-
Last edited by Admin on Nov 06, 2006 - 05:54 PM; edited 1 time in total
With so many contradictions within your story,
I feel that you have and are being less then truthful
regarding your true intentions...
I think that I am true to myself but what i have a hard time doing and i know thats what my problem is, is making a decision and sticking by it no matter how painful it is. I keep letting my feelings get in the way of taking a decision and doing whats best for me, I believe thats my weakness but i must work on it.
Dear Dancerica,
Thank you for sharing your experience, knowing that I am not the only person in the world facing that kind of situations helps a lot. I am not an English speaker, excuse me, my writing skills are limited.
I did not have to take that kind of decisions. My boyfriend left me a month ago. He was the first person with a cocaine addiction I actually knew in my life. He also drank a lot. He was the most romantic and passionate guy you can imagine…And, sometimes, depressive. I loved him with all my heart, I still do, I am afraid, I always will. I don`t know why he left, may be coke had nothing to do with that. May be he just didn`t feel the same way about me and decided to put an end to our relationship. He disappeared from my life after one episode of impotency, he was sober that day and he looked sad and bored. And I never saw him again. I called; I left messages, no answer. You know, I would give my life for this man without hesitating an instant, but it is time to face the real life – not a romantic fantasy, not a dream.
I really admire your strength. Thank you. Take care,
I never wanted to piss people off and get people to feel uncomfortable here with my story but I have realized that coming here should of given me the strength to do what you did. I was given the tools and all the resources to put a stop to this madness and i haven't. That makes me feel quite embarassed.
Nikki,
You are not responsible for how anyone else feels. You are going through your own process. You are where you are. As loved ones we go through our own recovery process too. Our own change process. We might not be ready to change. People may have given you tools to make a change, but that doesn't mean you were/are ready to use them, or make any significant change.
I don't know...it is parallel to the changes we as non-addicted partners/ parents want from our addicted loved ones. We want more than anything for them to change. We want them to stop using and never ever ever use again. We try to make them change and bend to our will. We push. We try to give them the tools they will need to make the change...to enter recovery...to stop using. Ultimately though, they will take advantage of these things when they are ready, willing and able to do so. Sometimes what we do to try to make them quit is counter productive.
As non-addicted partners we are no different. We go through a process...and when we are ready, willing and able, we will do what we need to do. We need to feel supported. We need to feel empowered. We need to see the benefits of doing something differently than what we are doing now....and even when we see the benefits...it may take us a good long time to make our choice. Change is scary.
You have been under a lot of pressure here to change...and feel the frustration of others as it relates to your situation. Well, those frustrated feelings are not yours to own. They belong to those who are frustrated. Of course people want to help you along in your process, but ultimately the decision is yours and you have the right to make it in your time and in your own way.
I admire your willingness to keep coming back. You pick yourself up and you try again. You have grown so much. You are different than you were so many months ago than when I first met you. Sometimes the changes we make are really tiny and sometimes we fall back...but isn't every process in life like that. Isn't that how we learn.
Take care of yourself Nikki, and don't worry about the rest of us.
Vero-
I think it would be good if you started your own thread. If you need help with it let me know.
I think that your writing skills are excellent, don't worry about them anyway.
Thank you for the kinds words you offered me under another thread.
Being the loved one of an addict is difficult situation. It must be hard on you to have him disappear like that without having some type of closure to the relationship.
I don't feel strong enough to let go...even though I have been doing this for 9 years. He disappears on me all of the time...not to mention our two children. Everytime he does I think he is gone for good, but he either comes back or goes to jail and then returns. He has been gone now for 10 days. I feel sick everytime I think about it...which is all day. I know I need to let go, but I can't. I do love him and that stinks.
I am new to this site, I live with a crack addict, we have been together for 7 yrs, and 3 1/2 of them he has been on crack. I am to the breaking point. Nothing I do or say changes things. It is really difficult for me to let go, I know deep in my heart I should...but...
Not too long ago I stood in your shoes. I kept reading and people were saying that I should make my husband accountable for his actions and to stop picking up the pieces for him. Although it seemed like I was looking up at a mountain leaving my marriage, in many ways I feel like I am headed to the top of Mt. Everest in the happiness I am enjoying for the first time in ever so long.
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Posted:Nov 05, 2006 - 02:32 AM
. Lynn I hope you are doing okay and that you come back to the site and do what you do best and thats care about people and their well being in your own special way.
