I have been waiting to post about this until I had the opportunity to really talk to my bf alone. The last week and a half has been a roller coaster ride of extremes for both of us.
It started with him finding himself in the deepest darkest depths of his addiction, and me being witness to part of it. It continued as he told me to stop reaching out...that it was too late and me responding...it is never to late and asking him to please not shut me out.
It continued as he did reach out...and for the first time...attributed his physical problems and other problems to his crack use. It was the beginning of a 180 degree turn away from the drug. It continued...with 3 days of honest communication about it...and 3 days clean.
It was followed by a return to his apt., in the area of town I refer to as crack central. It continued w/the associations and environment being too overwhelming....no contact for 2 days.
It continued as he reached out again first to me and then to hiis sister. It continued with more honesty about his situation...what he had been doing and what he wanted out of his life.
His choice was Lord.
He has remained insulated the past few days by choice. He has talked about things honestly and what he views as his only way out. He is determined...never to go back to the he|l he created in his life through his use. And finally, I believe him.
He is taking steps on the road to recovery, and I know he can do it, though it will be a long, hard journey, he is now arming himself with the tools he will need to succeed...and he is being honest with himself...and he is talking to the people who will help him along his journey about what he wants, how he can get there...and sharing his temptations so that he can get help to avoid them.
This holiday season started out very dark for both of us...but the clouds have been lifting and we are both hopeful. I am happy for my friend. We are both feeling more at peace...and this season...with my prayers being answered...and those of so many more...I am so grateful and this season has turned out to be the best ever...with the gift I truly wanted, delivered.
Thank everyone for your support. You are very loved and appreciated. It is important to share stories of Hope. Though a tough journey lays ahead for him...and it has still only been a few days...I wanted to share this story...because I know he is on the right road for him...and I think it can inspire hope and determination in the hearts of others.
Thanks again for all the support and information you have given me.
I am very happy for both of you. Its great news. Nothing could be a better gift for you guys and your whole family your bf wanting help. I hope the very best for both of yous and your are in my prayers. Tell your boyfriend to keep fighting and not to give until he gets his life back.
that is wonderful news for and your friend. It is so nice to hear. It does bring hope to many im sure..including me. It is small steps in the right direction. Good luck to you and your friend.
hmmm, the , lord, WOW!! ain't that a statement. well, you tell us how the lord is keeping up on his end of the bargain, say, a week or two from now, or a month or six months from now. this is a pretty down, depressing time of the year for a lot of people, let alone those with drug induced drama. i think the lord trip is a convient enough tool to use when you need to gain back acceptance in the very minute little world you inhabited when you married the drug.
no offence to lynn, for putting so much stock in the lord.
Quote:
If He ever gives up on me, I don't stand a chance.
lynn, you believe in yourself, you don't have just enough faith in yourself to rely solely on you. if your lord abandons you, it's only you left to make the choice.
me, i've heard lots about the lord. wasn't it him or his kid, that was a shepard. he couldn't have been that good of a shepard, because i'm a stray sheep. and i thought the lord was suppost to be a loving and forgiving person. is it not enough that i try to be good towards all people. that in my waning years i learn and try to practice and implement the real value of respect and honesty. why am i sitting hre now doing my earnest to get this post out, barely able to type with one finger, trying to stay focused, while my head feels like it's ready to explode. my heart is pounding like a person who has never done the drug, couldn't possibly fathom. my body feels strange, cold and hot, tingly. i feel disconnected from my body right now. not in control. all i can do is try to hardly breathe and exert as little energy as possible, yet make an effort to keep breathing at least to stay focused on staying alive.
what does the non addict know of the term o.d.'ing.
o.d.'ing doesn't mean i have to die.
but i can feel at this moment the balance between life and death. i can feel that sensation because i am extreme in nature. i will take the chance to push that fine line between my existance and my termination. how many people get the chance to walk that close, to that line, so many times, and feel the sensation of still being.
most of you probably don't even know what i'm talking about.
anyway, i don't hold no stock in no lord, who turns his eye on me, because i am a drug addict. he offers this afterlife, on the condition that i place my faith in him. but i don't personally know anyone who has made a return trip and said it is everything it's cut out to be. so, given, that i don't hold fath in some dude, that tells me that honesty, kindness and humbleness (the latter usually achieved through years of hardship) are voided if i don't believe, then i find no choice but to believe in myself. if i hurt, that's my choice.
jenni, you know i'm not coming down on your faith that things might be looking better, you are basing that on what your freind is telling you and others. and you know that i wish him well, but i don't think the lord is going to rescue him. if any saving goes on, it's him saving himself, even though he believes he needs this believe in a higher power. personally, i like to believe that a light bulb, or a rock formation or anything that is real and within my grasp both physically and mentally is a higher power. that thing that i see that is real lets me focus my beliefs about what i am capable of overcoming. why believe in the lord to help me do the things i know need doing. im don't mean to be rude, but i figure your friend is using the lord concept, not so much for what he needs for himself, but for what others need to lower their shields and give him acceptance back into the circle of people who are not owned by the drug. the only thing governing his life right now is the drug and the little portion that's left, of who he once was.
the lord giveth and the lord taketh away. and if by chance the lord giveth back to you, you could probably sell it on ebay for huge bucks.
ultimately, your friend has to stand up and make the choices that are best. but he is addicted, and if anything stands between him and his new found faith, it'll probably be the same thing that has stood between so much of his life already; the drug.
i wish him good luck..
_________________ I can embrace myself, hold my own hand, love me - but, I can't gaze into my own eyes and feel my own soul lift me up.
ultimately, your friend has to stand up and make the choices that are best. but he is addicted, and if anything stands between him and his new found faith, it'll probably be the same thing that has stood between so much of his life already; the drug.
Bill,
Ultimately my friend will have to stand up and make the choices that are best. He will have to keep up his guard against the drug and any related association of the drug. You are correct. He has a lot of work to do. This is has not changed. I have Hope for him yes. I believe in him, yes....just as I believe in everyone here who is struggling can overcome their struggles. What we choose to use as our strength may vary. HELP IS WHERE YOU FIND IT. If it is helpful to believe in Lord or a higher power...or yourself.
I don't see anything wrong with that...and I know that you are not coming down on my faith. I know that what you have shared comes from your experience and your concern that there is understanding that strength must come from within...and precautions continue to be necessary. Believing in something outside yourself is not necessarily giving away taking responsibility for what you do or how you live your life.
I continue to make myself available to provide whatever love and support I can. That hasn't changed. I continue to protect myself and keep my boundaries in place...because I know that is necessary. My friend has a long and arduous journey ahead of him. I know it. He knows it. His family who supports him knows it and the many people he has met in the past few days who have shared their struggles with him regarding their own addictions and recovery...know it.
This week and the following week and the month and years that follow will be the test for him. As his immediate insulary support steps back because the holidays are over and everyone must return to their own day to day work and life...he will have to find the strength within himself to avoid the drug. As he looks for another place to live and another job and tries to change his life he will experience stresses that if he lets his guard down (and loses faith in what he has now chosen to believe), he could fall back into it. As he has to relearn how to handle money and not spend it all or most of it on the drug...he will have to rely on himself. What his new found faith gives him...is additional strength. The sense or knowledge since he believes...that he is not alone in this...and that if he does reach out for help...he will find it.
Help has always been here for him to find....but he has needed to reach for it. Noone else has control of that. What I have seen since he has made this choice....is that he is allowing others to help him, and that he is finally being honest with himself and with the people who he can rely on for support. Help is everywhere he turns. Help in the form of people who would surround him to shield him from the environmental and social associations of the drug until he is strong enough to resist that temptation himself. Help in finding new work, a new place to live, a new network of people to listen to him and help him to deal with past and present struggles. What he has done and is still going to need to do....every model of recovery...with or without religious/spiritual veins espouses as necessary components. 1st - admitting there is a problem...and being completely honest with yourself about what the drug has done to him...and his life. 2nd - identifying and dealing with the things that got him to the point of using to begin with and the challenges with avoiding using now and forever. 3rd - utilizing support and resources available to help avoid temptations, build new skills, encourage forward movement in positive life giving direction, and 4th - communicating honestly with those who will provide support and encouragement when challenges and temptations arise...so that falling back into it becomes more difficult.
The change that I have seen...the 180 degrees that I have seen...is a willingness to do what it takes. A desire and will to do things differently than he has done them before. An awareness and admission that what he was doing before was not working for him...and was doing some serious damage. A willingness to make himself vulnerable to things he was too proud to expose before...perhaps that is where his new found faith comes in. He doesn't believe that he can do this on his own. He has let go of that, which has enabled those who would support him to provide that help. There are still things he has to learn to do on his own...but as he struggles with it....he has a place to go to find strength...before his strength was himself...his drug...and his so called "friends", who would encourage his continued use.
My friend who is a recovered meth addict over 10 years clean told me about a month ago...that for her it came down to a life and death decision. She knew that if she did not stop what she was doing and the way she was living her life...that she would die. What happened to my friend jolted him into the same realization. It SCARED him enough to believe that he had a life or death decision to make. He could "Get busy living, or get busy dying." He reached for help where he found it.
To be honest he reached for help from me first that day...and I was at work and couldn't leave...I told him...I really can't leave....gave him some ideas of what he could do and encouraged him to stay in touch with me that day....I was not available so he continued to reach out. He reached out to his sister from whom he has been pretty much estranged ...she provided him with a kind of support that I probably could not have. She asked him what he wanted. He said he wanted what she has. Peace, joy, contentment. She told him how she found it. He did not see another way out....so he chose it. What would I have offered him...a way out too...treatment....which I have offered many times before....now he has the opportunity and willingness to try both. To find help where he finds it...and to use the strength he finds and develops within himself to beat it.
While my friend has chosen this path to help himself....it may not be the path for everyone....though some people believe that it is.
I liken some of the strategies that people who share his new found faith to similar strategies that others on this site have shared as succesful strategies to avoid the drug and overcome their addiction. For example, The model of Rational Recovery, was something that really appealed to my b/f in terms of treatment models. It talks about the real you (the one who doesn't want to use and wants to live the best life you can live) and it talks about the addictive voice (the one that tells you...one last time is OK...or it would be fun...you should enjoy your life come on do it). When I read about this model, I thought...wow!...That is a really useful way of looking at this...because it can help a person to recognize and differentiate what they would really want for themselves in life... and what is the drug...trying to pull them into it...trying to feed the addiction. It can help a person to not feel so bad about themselves...because it differentiates them, who they truly are (the person who we who love an addict fell in love with...the person who is still there, though often overcome by the drug), from the drug and the drug related behavior. A person who has chosen Lord does the same thing....they just call it something different...well...maybe not even something different. In Christian faith...that temptation to use is not the addictive voice....it is the devil...it is the Beast (coinicidence in use of the term?). Your voice the one that wants you to use the good qualities you have, the good deeds you do, the one that wants you to live the life you want to live...in Christian faith...that is life that Lord wants you to live...the one HE has chosen for you.
Freedomisprecious posted about how she avoids cravings and allowing her thoughts to spiral out of control, when the idea of using pops into her head. Focus on something else...anything else for 15 seconds....and by the end of the 15 seconds...the focus is whatever you've been thinking about that is NOT the drug. My b/f has been given similar advice regarding dealing with temptation specifically...the difference is the advice he has received...is for him to sing praise to Jesus Christ everytime he has a craving...by the time he has finished this...the craving is gone. He has changed his thoughts, just as Freedom has shared...she has changed her thoughts. For believers they would argue there is more to it than that....but HELP IS WHERE YOU FIND IT. So where ever help is...use it...how does it hurt to take advantage of it?
My joy and hope stems from his decision to do something different. My joy stems from witnessing a new honesty and openess about his drug use that was not there before and a willingness to deal with it now, ask for and accept help...when necessary. My joy for you and for every other person here who is working toward their recovery stems from the same thing.
I think I have shared with you before that one of the things I have really appreciated about the your posts and the posts of other addicts is that I am so grateful, because you have shared with me your experience with the drug...and your struggles, which gives me insight into how the drug works...how it takes control...and the struggles that my b/f is likely experiencing himself...if only he would share. Now, like you have been on this site...he is being open and honest and communicating with us about it. It is a day I have waited for. If you asked anyone on this site who loves and addict...it is one of the things that we long for..and wait for...because without it...we are shut out...and we see the person we love spiral out of control, losing themself in their addiction. It is a terrible thing to watch helplessly from the sidelines. Openess, honesty and communication allows opportunity for our addicted loved ones to reach out to us...and for us to reach back and have the support that we can offer be accepted.
I appreciate your best wishes for luck for him. We all need wishes. And I wish for you and everyone here Peace and Strength and Love and Luck. We are all growing. I'm glad I have found help and love and support right here with you.
I have always stuck to the idea that the lord has never left me to fall to far and that, THE LORD helps those whose help themselves.
My brother inlaw used to allow my 2 year old niece to climb in and around multiple stud horses and mares in the dry lot .... his theory was that Lord would watch her. IMO THe Lord provided my niece with parents to help with that duty.....
Bottom line, whether it be the Lord, or that worn out rabbits foot in your pocket, or the lucky coin that you keep on your person feeling it brings good things your way ....if you believe and it gives you confidence and a profound feeling of faith that lends strengh and courage to ones mind and heart, how can one questions what may work for any individual .... the key is finding what works.
Bill I do understand the point that you made in your post, but his religious may also be something that he can embrace to find new lite .... perhaps it is an opportunity and a place to begin .... we can all hope ....
Anything that can help a person to embrace hope and faith for a better life is worth pursuing.... I am hopeful that Jenni's boyfriend will turn to find what will work in guiding him to recovery ....
Strength and Peace to us all ...
Michelle
_________________ Positives create better results then Negatives
We all get "by with a little help from our friends" and if you can count Jesus as one of your friends you are blessed.
Help is where we find it-keep looking until you find it.
And always keep the faith, whether it be in yourself, your friends or family or Lord, we just need to have the faith and hope that there will be better times ahead.
Jenni I am hopeful for you bf and feel he is a strong faith.
Bill-smile, sometimes you just have to remember how it feels and then you can do it more often. Please be well.
Lucy
Lord, in a world where we've learned to rely
only on what we can perceive with our five senses,
sometimes we can't help but be filled with doubts.
After all, we can't see Your face
or hear Your voice or touch Your hand.
And meanwhile, the world bombards us with messages
that contradict our belief in You and Your kingdom.
Despite all that,
Father, give us the strength to believe.
In the precious name of Jesus, Amen
Understanding is the reward of faith.
Therefore seek not understanding that thou mayest believe,
but believe that thou mayest understand.
~Augustine (c. 416)~
_________________ If you can not stand for something, you will fall for everything
Thanks again for your continued encouragement and support. I thought I would just post a brief update.
It is day 6. My b/f continues to remain strong in his resolve to beat this. He continues to rely on his faith for strength. He continues to reach out and has new leads on jobs. He continues to have people reach out to him to provide support when temptation arises. He is feeling strong and positive.
Yesterday, he and I packed up some of the things that he wanted to keep from his apartment and got his cat out of there. We still have a few things to do, and then he will be rid of that place forever.
I remain hopeful and cautious....I am overwhelemed by the events of the last few weeks. I am overwhelmed by the resolve and faith my b/f has been demonstrating. I am overwhelmed by seeing the man I fell in love with returning. I am confused. I am ambivalent. I am unsure...and have difficulty trusting, which for now is a healthy response, IMO. Just as he does, I still have much to work through, and much growing to do.
Jenni-You are a rock in your bf's life-always there, always firm and supportive. Just as his emotions are probably on a roller coaster ride, yours will be too as a reaction to them. You will weather this. Its ok to not have a lot of trust right now, he needs to earn that back. Warm wishes to you!!!!
Lucy
Home
Contact Us
Search
Chat Rooms
Forum
Disclaimer & Policies
Forum FAQ
Search
Usergroups
Preferences
Members List
Fun Store
Watched Topics
Sub-Forum
Posted:Dec 30, 2006 - 11:39 AM
