I've been reading a lot on line for the past 4 days, & this seems the most informative & supportive site yet. I'm a mom of a 23 year old crack abuser. I should mention that I have an older brother on crack & heroin probably 10 years & he's only clean when he's in jail, my parents always tried to fix the problem, and that never seemed logical to me. My brother always had a home & the necessities of life provided to him even tho he barely held a job. Now my son admitted to us after some pretty intense interrogation last Thursday that he started crack about 2 years ago, using only 1-2 times a month, but that over the past 3 months he began to use almost daily. He was a "runner" & was able to get most of the crack he used by picking it up for others. This is a guy who has worked steadily since age 14 or 15, and who just completed an intense 2 year college/internship program, but in the last 3 weeks lost his job, his girlfriend & a significant amount of weight. He seems very committed to never using again and we've had numerous discussions over the last few days about it all. My husband, daugher & I have basically been with him 24/7. I've taken his credit cards and debit cards, take his car keys (he's not been out alone since last week), monitor all phone calls he receives & sends, have enlisted the help of his "clean" friends, and forbidden any contact with those involved with crack. I've kept records of all phone calls & he has identified all numbers. I have changed all the numbers on his cell so he doesn't even have the true numbers anymore. He understands all that I'm doing even tho he says I'm worrying too much. He's been to 1 NA meeting, but expresses concern about continuing these as he says he doesn't get a lot out of them. I work for a doctor and he knows antidepressents are an option, but prefers not to pursue this option either. He has agreed to drug testing and I put in a sample this morning & should have the results tomorrow. I absolutely don't have any trust in him having gone thru this so much with my brother, but I do feel he is honest with me about quitting. He's provided me with a lot of scary info and a lot of info about who he gets it from, who uses, etc. I will keep up all I am doing, but I need some idea that I'm doing all I can. I have to let him go out tomorrow because he knows he needs to get another job ASAP. He also knows we will not allow any other use, he will be kicked out immediately if this happens & he will have no where to go and no car unless he has his own insurance, which of course he can't get with no job.Any other suggestions or comments? This is my biggest nightmare come true & he knows that we love him like crazy but that he has broken our hearts. Thanks for your help.
It sounds like you are doing a lot, and he has been somewhat cooperative. Is he willing to quit? Is he willing to get treatment? As I'm sure you have read....he has to want to quit and be willing. Keep reading and coming here for support. I am hopeful for your family and your son.
Thanks for your reply. He says and behaves like he definitely wants to quit, he got a job today, and I do feel strongly this is something he doesn't want to continue. I guess what terrifies me is my brother's chronic use/quit/use/quit, you know the story, on and on. I continue to read as much as I can, this is really the best site I've been referring to. Thanks again.
It sounds like he is accepting of your help to this point and hopefully he will continue to respect the boundaries that you have set, which certainly is a beginning. Staying with the boundaries that you have set and his consideration of a program for recovery would be another step in the right direction.
I hope you will keep us updated and continue to utilize this site as a source of information and support.
Have you read the articles under the navigation bar, Cocaine, Crack Cocaine Addiction? There is information in these articles that may further help you in dealing with your situation.
Congratulation, you have done your homework.
Yes, you are eliminating environmental factors (access to cash, transport, bad influence of so called "friends" and etc.). However, your son also needs motivational influence. There are several options available:
- Mutual help groups (Not necessary 12 steps model groups, http://www.cocainehelp.org/Web_Links-index-req-viewlink-cid-14.html)
- Psychotherapy (group based or individual)
- Pastoral or Professional counseling.
- Bibliotherapy (Readings of motivational or Self Esteem induced books)
Methods can be combined.
Good Luck and Best Wishes for you and your son.
Gene,
_________________ Your Admin, Gene. -=People who ask our advice almost never take it. Yet we should never refuse to give it, upon request, for it often helps us to see our own way more clearly. =-
Thanks, I appreciate your support and comments. We are almost to day 6! I agree that he does indeed need motivational influence. I spoke with a friend who is a former therapist, and she also told me that she would never treat an addict unless they were enrolled in a 12 step program. I talked with my son this evening, and he will be attending NA meetings, altho we haven't settled on how many times a week yet. He also will begin his new job on Monday, his clean friends have been very supportive and available, so he is doing okay, altho of course its the next week, and the next and next that I worry about. I'll continue to explore this site and its connections and I thank you for providing such wonderful support and information.
Update on my son-after 9 days clean he used today and I'm not sure what to do. It was pretty much his first day out of the house and he was on a legitimate errand, taking this to his new job, but it sure didn't take long for him to find and use. Anyway....a question-a physician friend of mine has prescribed Lexapro, an anti-depressent, for him. Anyone has experience with this? Please let me know. Thanks.
Update on my son-after 9 days clean he used today and I'm not sure what to do. It was pretty much his first day out of the house and he was on a legitimate errand, taking this to his new job, but it sure didn't take long for him to find and use. Anyway....a question-a physician friend of mine has prescribed Lexapro, an anti-depressent, for him. Anyone has experience with this? Please let me know. Thanks.
One, forget the Lexapro or any other antidepressants.
He's an addict, why create another addiction.
Unless there is truely a reason & need
for him to be on any antidepressants,
you want him to live a life not dependent on drugs of any kind.
Being bummed out and not wanting to do anything,
being depressed, fatigued, and unable to sleep, is a result of
the damage that occurs in the pleasure zone of the brain.
Please do not take this the wrong way,
I know your intentions are to help him but,
no one should be prescribing him anything without having evaluated him.
Two, the worst thing you can do,
is to state what consequences will occur,
if bounderies are broken and such(ex. move out immediately)
and then not follow them through.
Do not set punishments or consequences,
you are not willing to put in action.
I know things can be said out of fear,
or just not knowing what else to say,
or thinking that will keep someone in line but,
setting the consequences which will result from
breaking the rules or not following through,
and then not holding them accountable to those consequences
sends a message that, I can do it and get away with it,
I might have to listen to them for hrs but, they won't kick me out.
I do have more I'd like to say but,
time has slipped away from me
and I'm calling it a night.
Peace,
Lynn
_________________ If you can not stand for something, you will fall for everything
Lynn-
I swear you know your *censored sh_t!!! I talked with my husband and decided that I needed to set up rules and boundaries for my son in order for him to stay home. I came right home from work and rattled off a 2 page contract with 12 rules on it that he HAD to abide by. I printed it off, got my husband to read it and agree with it, and just had to wait for my son to come home from his 1st day on his new job to pounce it on him. Then, thankfully, I read your I your message. I read your post to my husband, then I slipped my "contract" away. All I can say is thanks, and I'd love to hear more from of the things you have to say, I can use any and all suggestions. Because of your input and some suggestions from MrYaYa we were able to have a civilized talk with some good communication tonite. I appreciate the help.
Lynn-
I swear you know your *censored sh_t!!! I talked with my husband and decided that I needed to set up rules and boundaries for my son in order for him to stay home. I came right home from work and rattled off a 2 page contract with 12 rules on it that he HAD to abide by. I printed it off, got my husband to read it and agree with it, and just had to wait for my son to come home from his 1st day on his new job to pounce it on him. Then, thankfully, I read your I your message. I read your post to my husband, then I slipped my "contract" away. All I can say is thanks, and I'd love to hear more from of the things you have to say, I can use any and all suggestions. Because of your input and some suggestions from MrYaYa we were able to have a civilized talk with some good communication tonite. I appreciate the help.
Let me tell you Lucy,
It's is GREAT and highly beneficial
you and your husband are and try to maintain,
being rational instead of becoming overbearing.
It just so happened,
what I had in mind to address to you,
was the very thing this news article is about.
I want you to understand something,
addicts and confrontation do not go well together.
But, that's not to say avoid confrontation but,
approach it gingerly and be aware of
your feelings at the moment and the words being spoken.
Shouting is the worst,
and when it's nagging and shouting, forget it...
If he's not wishing he was hitting a pipe,
or thinking up ways to hit the pipe,
when he's away from the 2 of you then,
he's a special kind of addict.
Your best intentions
will come back to bite you in the behind,
approaching & going about them the wrong way.
The more you restrict him,
the more his mind starts scheming
and the better he gets at it, I might add.
You don't want him
to actually fear either you or your husband...
It's hard, very hard Lucy,
to walk the line of help and support,
yet avoid being duped,deceived and enabling.
I think confining him and restricting him,
is a bad idea and makes it worse.
It won't make him stop using,
but, it will become a factor
for him to stop being open with yous anymore.
The best thing we can do for our kids,
is to allow them the reality of,
consequences and accountability.
Confining him & restricting him,is preventing him
from dealing with the situation he has gotten into,
How does that help him
to learn that life isn't easy,
and we will make poor choices
or find ourselves in a pickle at times,
but, what really matters is
how we confront those things
and how we decide to handle them.
Let's say he's 35 and married,
his wife finds out he cheating....
Would you say the best solution
his wife should resort to is,
for her to lock him in their room,
drive him & pick him up from work,
change their # and take away his cell phone??
I don't think so.
If you don't let a child fall,
they can't learn how to stand up and walk.
My sister got married this past May,
she is now 5 and a half months pregnant...
I didn't care for him then and he knew it
and I definately do NOT like him now,
and he better know it.
He's no more then 5 years younger then her,
he was still living with his parents
until they got married and moved into my sisters house.
Yep, shes an OR nurse, makes great money,
and has owned her own home for the past 6-7 years.
Anyhoo, a couple of weeks ago, I found out,
they had gotten into an argument
and he stayed the weekend at his moms.
WTF...this is how your gonna handle
the rough spots already, 6 months into your marriage.
Run home and stay with mommy.
Let me tell ya, If I could have my way,
I'd call his mother or go over there
and tell her off first!!
She shouldn't have let him stay there...PERIOD!!
It's clear, allowing him to stay on her nipple,
didn't help him to deal with life on lifes terms.
I'm gonna stop there,
I'm getting myself worked up now.
Sometimes, it s#cks being right
For myself,
I loved the fact that punishments never stuck
and eventually were not even doled out anymore.
I did what I wanted, I set my own curfew and rules
Well, you know what...
I told my parents, that wasn't a good thing,
as I began growing up and dealing w/ lifes pressures.
After I had went into treatment, while I was pregnant,
I decided after a month, I'd be o.k.,
I wouldn't use and risk going to jail...
cause that was the only reason, sad to say,
i checked myself in, in the first place
so the baby wouldn't test positive for drugs,
which would then land me in prison(here anyway)
and the baby would be taken from me.
Anyway, I checked myself out,
upsetting my father and boyfriend,
but acted as if they were worring too much.
Yea, right,
The next morning after coming home,
I took my dads change jar, while he was at work,
and cashed it for dollars and bought sh!t.
After it was gone,there was about 3 hrs left,
until my dad would get home from work.
Mind you now, I'm 7 and a half months pregnant,
and faced with KNOWING, without a doubt,
he'll notice all his change gone, knowing it was me.
Man, I was freaking out but knew...
I had NO WHERE to go and hide out.
So, I started thinking...
Ah, I'll throw on the ol,
boo hoo, cry...sniff sniff..I'm sorry daddy bit,
sh!t, it works every time, it will again.
WRONG
When he came home, I told him right away,
thinking it's better then him finding out himself,
He told me to get on the phone and call my bf,
so I did and handed him the phone.
He told him, you come here right now,
you either take her back to HayMarket
or you take her to stay with you...
cause she's not staying here!!
My mouth dropped to the floor.
I couldn't even say anything cause
every time I tried my dad told me
don't push me Lynn Therese,
I'm gonna end up really hurting you
He went in my room, got my suitcase,
I still hadn't unpacked
and make me wait until my bf got to the house...
Then back to HayMarket I went.
Which then, I had to deal with the girls like me,
I had left behind the day before...
talking a bunch of bullsh!t about recovery and all.
My situation became material
for a weeks work of discussions.
Very humbling....
Peace,
Lynn
_________________ If you can not stand for something, you will fall for everything
Again, Lynn I have to thank you for your words of wisdom. The news article was very sad, very tragic ending for that family. I can understand why her father was hellbent on getting her dealer, I can understand those emotions.
I want you to know that you've given me reason to pause and consider things before reacting so emotionally and immediately about things and I have to say that you are right in your recommendations. We're able to talk without raising our voices, able for me to stop glaring at him or trying to make him feel guilty. Altho of course crack is talked about, I've only brought it up as a point of finding out how he is feeling, how is he coping without it, does he need help. He's not used for 2 days (not since Sunday) but he worked a lot of hours these past 2 days. He has a day off tomorrow and I asked him to do a few things I needed help with at home and I told him I'd like him to go to an NA meeting and he was agreeable to all. I can only hope and pray that since he'll be on his own he'll make the right choices.
I also am trying to get back to basics. I think you are right in that I shouldn't try restricting so much, he is an adult and he needs to make this choice on his own in order for it to work, but I've made it clear that his bills, paperwork for work, laundry, etc. are things that he is responsible for and needs to take care of. I don't think I realized how much I still did for him that he is perfectly capable of doing on his own.
I made it a point to put on a "happy face" at work today, just trying to function without constantly worrying about him, and I was able to make it thru much better today. I think I ready baby steps somewhere.....
I don't want to be one of those mothers like you mention above, I want my son to be one of those guys who sleeps on the sofe (or at least all the way on the other side of the bed) when he gets in a fight with his significant other, I can't always be his safe haven, he needs to create that space himself.
Your help is invaluable to me. Thanks is not a strong enough word to say. I look forward to any and all future advise, you keep me coming back for more!!
Dont ask non medical professionals about medicine. Lexapro can help reduce compulsive behavior, and after altering his brain with crack, he may need all the help he can get. He should see a psychiatrist once a month and go to a cognitive behavior therapist. Do these two things and let me know what happens in 60 days. I would bet he will be doing better. Make sure the therapist is a cognitive behavior therapist!
I agree with most of what has been posted here except the anti-Lexapro comment. I don't think doctor-prescribed medications for depression in the SSRI category (Lexapro, Prozac, Celexa, Paxil, several others) can be compared to street drugs like crack. They may be legitmately helpful in dealing with the medical problem of depression that can be a factor in choosing to use crack. I've never heard of someone on Lexapro lying and stealing to get it and taking more and more of the medication or staying out all night in "lexapro-houses". They don't get you "high" and while going off them may require a gradual tapering, they are not addictive in the same sense or to the same degree as hard street drugs or alcohol.
I do agree you need to stand by your initial boundary setting as difficult as it may be for you.
I appreciate your comments and advise, I guess I am just becoming a bit down about the situation. He left yesterday afternoon, didn't retun till 6 am this morning. My husband & I both talked to him countless times throughout the afternoon & evening, and kept being told by him everything was alright & he'd be home soon, sound familiar to anyone out there? Anyway he came in this am & just was totally out of it, eyes huge as moonpies, pale, shaky, just horrible. He missed work (which he just started a week ago) but he did call them & tell them at least. I'm tired and I feel like we've just started this war. Tonite he said maybe he should go for inpatient rehab, that's fine with me but I don't want to send him to one for a month & then he comes out & starts same thing. He's barely gone to NA meetings, only 1 that I know absolutely positive he went, I don't feel he's put a lot of effort into quitting at all & I'm not sure inpatient will be enough to keep him clean once he's home. Any advise from anyone who's been inpatient? Will be get much out of it? I did research cognitive therapists but there's none near us, probably 1 1/2 away and in the city would be the closest so I don't know how that would work. He's not even agreed to seeing a counselor yet because of his work schedule being a bit erratic since he's the new person and he works 10 hour days and the job is 45 minutes away. He won't tell me how he feels or how difficult his cravings are or why he can not use 2 or 3 days in a row and then has to. Sorry, this is too long, I'm just emotionally wiped and dealing with this and all other normal daily stressers is adding up. Guess I'll be need some cheese to go with all the whining tonite.
Lucy, I'm sorry things are going so rough for you. There are no guarantees. If he says he wants to go whenhe has come down...take him. It is time away from the drug with therapeutic interventions that may help. I know the situation with your brother, and your son's unwillingness to commit so far...have been discouraging...but...sieze opportunity when it arises. It is easy for them to come and go quickly.
My heart goes out to you. Take care of you...and tell your husband that too.
At the present moment no particular drug is recommended for cocaine/crack addiction treatment. Generally, amantadine and bromocriptine are acceptable in some degree for the treatment.
_________________ Your Admin, Gene. -=People who ask our advice almost never take it. Yet we should never refuse to give it, upon request, for it often helps us to see our own way more clearly. =-
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Posted:Nov 21, 2006 - 12:26 AM
