You know I am coming up to my year anniversary here. This site and my friends here have meant the world to me.
I came here looking for help, answers, support, and not only have I received all of these things, but I've also made friends who genuinely care for me and my family, people who take time out of their busy lives to help me. I had no idea when I first came here that I would come to grow and love all those who have helped me.
Last night, for many reasons, was a very emotional night, a very bad night, but also I believe a turning point in my life.
I stood a solid ground, a strong ground, and for once didn't cave in the slightest bit. Though the war is nowhere close to being over, the battle last night was a victory for ME.
I have made slow but steady changes to myself over the past year, and owe a lot of my progress to you all here.
Now I am working within myself. I am learning that altho change is something I've never been fond of, change is something I must move toward. Trying to keep things in my life as they have been is only inhibiting myself and my potential, and subsequently my wellbeing.
So today I must begin to find the person within, and not allow the person I've become due to substance addiction of others to continue. I must take the time to evolve and make a conscious effort not to stay in the comfort zone of life that I've been living that has really become quite uncomfortable.
Where has the time gone? Almost a year and really no progress with Mark to report. How sad.
I do believe that I have made progress. I believe that the loved ones of addicts have more strength, heart and resiliance then most people will ever know. I believe that addicts have a wealth of knowledge and support that they will easily share with another, whether an addict or loved one, because they don't want their addiction and they don't want others to suffer as they do.
These past few months have been particularly difficult for me, and I've been neglectful of the site. Certainly I, like many others here, always check on everyone on a daily basis. You all are like family to me. But I think I've said that before.
Hey Lynn-
No worries, just problems with my cable company updating its system and in the process screwing up the internet for us consumers.
I am doing fine, continuing to run and burn up a lot of time and energy in doing so.
Mark still with my parents, working every day, paying his bills, gaining weight, and still using on the weekends as far as I can tell. We have become rather distant with one another.
I don't think I am the same mom I was a year ago.
Thanks for keeping me in your thoughts and prayers, it is appreciated.
I hope things are going well for you. I am sorry about the difficulty with finding a job.
Can you guys believe it, I've been here a year tomorrow.
My son still uses, tho infrequently at this point, mabe 2-3x a month.
He's no longer liviing at home, instead living with my parents. He's working every day, paying his own way, living his own life. Saving up and should be able to get his own place in a month or so.
He's not learned as much in the past year as I have.
So may wonderful folks here who have saved me in this time period.
Thank you all so much.
I don't think I've ever, ever received any advice or information that hasn't helped me.
Thanks for sharing your lives, your times and your experiences with me.
I know I am thickheaded, yet you all still cotinue to help me.
The friends I have met here are like family.
My heart stil aches for what Mark could have been, yet it also hopes for wha he can still become.
I've gotten so much better at handling it all. Remember in the beginning when I would just drop to the floor and cry, for hours on end, that has definitely gotten better.
Oh what could have been, such a smart, good looking and talented guy, what could have been.......
Lucy, its nice to hear from you again. I ve missed you around here. I haven't been around much but i do log in everyday to see how everyone is. Keep taking care of yourself and your family and my heart goes out to you.
WOW ...1 year already and what a blessing your presence is here on this site.
I still have so much reading to do to catch up here ~ I am glad to hear that Mark is doing better at managing his life, I know that has to be a great relief for you in so many ways. Hopefully his situation will continue to improve. I can tell you that Darell's relationship with his family is in a very good place right now, some things just take time. As always, I am praying for the best for you and your family.
I am not sure that any of us will ever be exactly the same as we were prior to dealing with addiction, but I do know with each new challange we are capable of finding the stength we need to carry on in the best light possible.
As a mother, I really admire your dedication to your family and continue to be awed and encouraged by your strength and compassion.
As Always With Love Strength and Peace,
Michelle
_________________ Positives create better results then Negatives
My son still uses, tho infrequently at this point, mabe 2-3x a month.
He's no longer liviing at home, instead living with my parents. He's working every day, paying his own way, living his own life. Saving up and should be able to get his own place in a month or so.
I'm curious Lucy....
What do you mean by "paying his own way"?
Do you know for a fact he has money saved up,
and within a month or so, he'll have enough money to get his own place?
Where is he working anyway?
Is the "2-3x a month" what Mark has told you?
Do you really believe that?
Peace, Love & Strength
Lynn
_________________ If you can not stand for something, you will fall for everything
Hey Guys-
Its good to hear from you all. I think we should arrange a time and day to meet on site and be able to chat to each other to catch up.
With regard to Mark, he continues to be at the same job he's been working for about the last 6 months or so. He likes it, does well at it, boss likes him. He goes to work every day.
He hands his check over to my mother for her to dole out his funds and she banks the rest. She has complete control of the money situation for him.
Lynn one time said all it takes is time and opportunity, and that is what Mark waits for. When these 2 things do come together he uses.
Sure he feels bad, guilty, etc. all the normal emotions involved with use.
He is not actively pursuing sobriety, he is just trying to give up control of the things that allow him to use so he doesn't have to make the choice not to use it is already made for him.
He is not striving to live, and although his weight is up and he appears healthy, he is suffering from yet another bronchial infection.
He sees his own father's continued narcotic abuse and sees the damage this is wreaking on his own life and his family's, and is even able to make a comparison to his own use thru this, yet he continues to use.
I will hope for the day to come when all of the addicts in my life (in the world for that matter) will crave for sobriety and a chance at life more then they crave their drug. I will hope for it with the knowledge that this is only able to come about when they chose to have it happen.
The addict makes the choice to use, the loved one has no choice in their use and no control over it.
I just happened to read Stephen's post about using again, was going to respond to it but not sure how to. I can feel the emotions his wife and family are feeling about his use, the continued disappointment, the frustration, the financial effects. But despite the fact that Stephen knew that his use would cause this pain to his family to him it was worth doing at the time, the bit of time using his drug was more important to him then the aftermath of what it would do to his family. This I don't understand, this is addiction.
Some will argue, some will say its the disease, but let's remember fighting for sobriety, selflessness, active outlets to not use, fighting for self control, responsibility, love.
Aren't these the things that we as loved ones try to support and instill?
How much of our lives are we supposed to hand over to our addicts? And why do the addicts continue to suck the life out of us by their addictions?
How much of our lives are we supposed to hand over to our addicts? And why do the addicts continue to suck the life out of us by their addictions?
As much as we allow them to ...
and because they can when we allow them the opportunity to do so.
As for the parts of addiction that we simply DO NOT have the power to change in our loved ones we hope and pray that they will find the truth within themselves. We continue to love and encourage them with every hope that they will soon seek sobriety with determination and strength that will find them in a better place.
When they do find sobriety it is with the uncertainty of longevity of that sobriety that we continue to live in fear that direction can change without notice. No, things will never be the same in that respect.
Like you Lucy, I will never be quite the same person that I once was...
this whole ordeal with addiction has changed me in ways that would
take an eternity to explain. I have my wish for the moment, but
where it goes from this point is anyone's guess. I try not to dwell
on the negatives, I can only hope that my loved one's ambition for
sobriety continues.
I feel in my heart that I will never allow his addiction to drag me through the depths of he|l that I once allowed, in this respect alone I feel that I am different. I am stronger with a more dedicated commitment to myself , for myself. I refuse to view this as selfishness, but merely self preservation and necessary if I am to continue a relationship with such questionable odds.
One moment, one day at a time ...... allows me to enjoy what I have before me at this very moment ....
In trying to view things as realistically as I possibly can, this is as close as I can get... without a heart full of hope this would not be possible .... so know that I am am hoping right along with you ...
He hands his check over to my mother for her to dole out his funds and she banks the rest. She has complete control of the money situation for him.
You know, if he was sober,
because he was working on his recovery,
and realized his sobriety was in danger,
because he acknowledged his thoughts were focused on using...
and, because he was able to admit to this,
because he wanted to remain sober and not screw up,
he sought out someone to control his money,
until he worked through this rough spot of his recovery...
that would be great.
But, the problem is....that's not the case.
So, if he gets his own place...what then?
Your mother will continue to control his money....
pay his rent and bills for him, from his money,
to assure these things get paid.
And, when your mother passes, who will take over for her?
This is just another way of enabling him.
Enabling isn't just considered enabling,
because someone does things that helps an addict to use.
In any case, it's really a moot point anyway.
He's not capable of taking on such a responsibility.
He is still being prevented from,
dealing with the consequences of his addiction,
and the responsibility to work on his recovery...
if he so chooses to begin working on recovery.
Frankly, not that it matters or you care...
I find it hard to believe he's only using 2-3x a month.
I mean, I know firsthand...it just doesn't work that way.
It wouldn't surprise me in the least,
and, if I didn't know any better and had to guess,
it's easier for him to continue using,
being with your parents then being at home.
Otherwise, he wouldn't want to stay with your parents.
It works for him, you can be sure of that.
lucyb wrote:
He is not striving to live, and although his weight is up and he appears healthy, he is suffering from yet another bronchial infection.
Many a bronchial infection here....short story for ya.
When Jacob was about 4,
I had come down with a super bad cough...
I couldn't stop coughing.
Well, given that the sh-t was really crappy,
due to a drug bust in the neighborhood,
I attributed it to the crappy sh-t I was smoking.
It seemed like, my cough got worse,
when I got some sh-t and was smoking it.
But, I still would get some sh-t,
hoping some new sh-t was finally around.
After about a week, my chest, or rather, my lungs,
were killing me even just smoking a cigarette...
but, that didn't stop me from scoring some sh-t.
I'll never forget this, it was on a Sun.,
I didn't have to work and got some sh-t.
After about an hour or so, I could feel a headache coming on.
I was p-ssed...."When is some decent sh-t coming back"?
I ended up feeling so sick and now had a migraine headache,
on top of my lungs killing me, starting to throw up and hot flashes.
I had no choice but to put the sh-t away.
And, my dad, just thinking I was sick,
knowing I've had this bad cough,
and with a history of migraine headaches,
he knows how bad they hit me when they strike....
he took care of Jacob for the rest of the day/night,
and, at some point, I was finally able to fall asleep.
But, when I woke up the next day,
I woke up with this f-cking migraine headache.
So, my warped mind is thinking I need a hit.
So, I get out the sh-t I put away the day before and do a hit.
Ugggg, my head felt like is was about to explode,
now I'm puking again and coughing my brains out,
which only made my head pound that much more.
The whole day and night was spent in misery.
Now, come the next day when I got up,
after somehow finally falling asleep that night before,
not only did I wake up to this same migraine headache but,
my body was so weak I KNEW something was really wrong.
I mean, I couldn't even sit up for G0D's sake.
I called for my dad and told him,
to go downstairs and ask Laura to come upstairs.
My dad didn't have a car and Brad was at work.
She came in my room and I asked her,
to please take me to the emergency room....so she did.
Well, as soon as they took my blood pressure,
they rushed me into triage and started hooking me up to IV's.
Come to find out, my kidney was 90% shut down,
had I waited another hr, if that, I'd either be,
on dialysis the rest of my life or would have died.
About a year or 2 after that,
I came down with, yet again, another bad chest cold.
I went to see a doctor....and you know what?
After listening to heart/lungs and hearing me cough,
the first thing he said to me was....
"How long have you been smoking crack"?
I could have died!
Anyhoo.....
Praying you & yours see better days soon Lucy!
I Love You!
In My Thoughts & Prayers,
All My Love
Lynn
_________________ If you can not stand for something, you will fall for everything
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