Post subject: It does get better. Thoughts on a year of recovery.
I still fight the temptation. But is not a daily event anymore, and the triggers are fewer and less severe.
There was a time when I sold my soul, 1 gram at a time.
The biggest change in my life are 'the good days'. If you are just starting, you'll soon learn what these are like. My first month was tough. The second an incredible downer. I did not have the support of family and friends then. But I can remember my first 'good day'.
What is a good day? Waking up with a sense of well-being. Not cursing those who sold me drugs, my so-called friends that supported my addiction. And not looking at myself like I was worthless. You will cherish these days, and to use an old way of describing it - the new high from being clear is better than your best binge.
For me personally, it's the return of my wit, my creativity, and my brain. I used to be the smartest guy in the room (or so I thought - lol) - now I am again. People listen to my judgment with the faith they once had.
I am back after a very long dark night.
Over the last year, I can market on the calendar the number of good days. They were rare, but as the months grew and my distance from cocaine increased, they became more frequent, and they lasted longer.
This month, a full 16 since I stopped cocaine, a full year since I cut out everything that tried to takes it's place (sorry, but for me even legal prescription drugs started to be an out) - the good days last for weeks.
I can see the difference it makes on those around me.
I still have bad days, but now I have the support of friends who once again see me as the 'old Dave', before the drugs. My familly supports me, although most do not know why I had my 'bad time'. they don't care, becasue thier brother, son, nephew, and most importantly 'uncle' has been back in thier lives again.
In my heart, I know there is a place where I will fall again. It will be at a club, when the music is great, and old friends will want to rediscover who I was. This is the burden you will bear. My only advice on this si to put that life behind you - move away, rekindle old and clean friendships and rediscover your familly, and the passions which drove you before you walked down that dark path.
I am armed today with the knowledge that it does get better, life does improves, and ultimately my brain will recover. The value of my friends and family outweigh the 'fun' the hollow party lifestyle offered.
Today is say 5 of a 'good day' run. I needed to share that.
Thanks Dave for sharing with us your story, your optimism, your momentum and enthusiasm as to what life after is and can be. I'm sure your story will inspire hope in the hearts of many here,and help those who are fighting their addiction keep their eyes on the prize, which you have shared so eloquently here. Gratitude for you and your generosity on this day.
Thank you for sharing your story here and the hope to many, "that is does get better." Looking forward to hearing more from you and wish you continued success in your recovery ....
Wishing you continued Strength and Peace ...
_________________ Positives create better results then Negatives
your story is very inspiring and im glad your clean too! =) ive FINALLY found the strength to never wanna touch it again..it IS a strange thing, like u described...months ago, id tell people that id stop even though deep down i felt like i couldnt..and of course i ended up using again, which let to the old cycle of addiction.i cant even list the ways cocaine f'd my life up. lost friends, horrible family problems, looked like total crap like a skeleton, tons of police run ins, totaled a very expensive car, almost lost the love of my life, nevermind all the health and emotional issues, etc etc. i felt alot better reading ur story of recovery because its good to know im not the only one whos been thru that stuff...thanks!!
Thank you Dave for sharing your positive message of recovery. I am in the midst of early recovery myself...43 days clean today, and my ears are starting to unclog, my mind is definitely less cloudy, and I am comforted by your message as well as others with years of clean time that the first year or so is sure to be rough but that it does get better...Smile. Thank you...the positive messages of recovery versus the war stories of addiction are so helpful to me right now. At the meetings that people share about recovery and their good days, I find hope. Although, as I was told in rehab, if you can't remember your 'last run', then you probably haven't had it yet...so I strive to move forward without forgetting but one day at a time, and trying to forgive and love myself a bit more each day.
_________________ Forget past mistakes. Forget failures. Forget everything except what you are going to do now and do it.
Dave, I can truely relate to your experiences in recovery. Life seems so grand at times, like it used to be incapable of doing. But I had to realize that credit due was partially to myself, for making the decisions I have since that last day- no one was going to acomplish this for me.
I too, stopped using crack, and for 6 months after resulted to other substances-pot, pills, alcohol..and it has been 2 years since I have resulted to any of the above or beyond.
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For me personally, it's the return of my wit, my creativity, and my brain. I used to be the smartest guy in the room (or so I thought - lol) - now I am again. People listen to my judgment with the faith they once had.
For me, it was the return of self, the finding of new self, and the hope for more self. Yea, I became enjoyable to those around me while sober...but I began to actually enjoy being who I was and still are becoming- which means the world to me today. For at one time, I had nor desired no other world other than crack cocaine.
I can say that they days were/are bouncy, some good, some bad...some so so...some really hard to have... some really easy to love...today, it's when I dont remember to be completely thankful for the good days,(which I am guilty of) and when I dwell on the bad ones that I seem to be caught a bit off guard by my addict mind. When I make a note to see through the bad, and be accountable for the parts of it I should be... and face the good for what it truely means to me...I see brighter light. I see hope in wrong decisions, I see honesty in myself, and I find peace within my heart. Nothing has been more benificial in my sobriety than being honest with myself, and being aware and coming to grips with my thoughts and emotions. Giving myself attention, and really digging deep into my mind to find what means the most to me and how to get that.
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In my heart, I know there is a place where I will fall again. It will be at a club, when the music is great, and old friends will want to rediscover who I was. This is the burden you will bear. My only advice on this si to put that life behind you - move away, rekindle old and clean friendships and rediscover your familly, and the passions which drove you before you walked down that dark path
I find fear in falling, mostly when I see that my thoughts are being careless and lacking of strength and awareness. When I am tired, or had a really hard day...and sometimes it's sneaky, and passes through at the most unexpected moments. For me, its recognizing that I am one, my addiction is part of me, my behavior is changable, but the damage is not. I cannot take back the past, but I can use it to create a better (0r worse) future. I can make the best of the worst of thoughts...and realize that I am me today, and only I can take that away if I choose to do so. Ultimately, I will be the one to make the decision, I am the one who does, or could be of the most knowledge to my own addictive behaviors and setbacks...so I make myself responsible for choosing the most peaceful and less consequntial path.
I really liked what you said about rediscovering your family. I thought I would never care for anyone again..today, me and my family are tight. I can tell them anything, and vica versa. I can trust them, and they can trust me. Even though sometimes I think they may wonder if I am telling the truth, all that matters is that I do, and the rest will be sure to follow. They are beautiful, and I never knew this before I became sober. Ever. But they believed in me, at my lowest, when I decided to make the changes. So I trusted them, and always will from that day forward.
And value, wow. I could be at the hardest time in my life right now..(or not) and the value of my sobriety shows itself to me each and everyday...when I can go to sleep knowing I did not get high, I did not take something to feel differently, I was ok with me today...even if I did'nt like it, I go to bed loving it. It is countless how valuable being sober is, versus being sober, and falling. I had great excuses to use over and over when I was getting high- I had no idea what sobriety was like. Today I do, and have no idea how I could make it with out it.
Yes, we all faulter, and are never perfect...but so long we find the road, stick to it, and give it our all...two steps foward, one step back is worth giving it everything we got.
_________________ ~what happens to a person is less significant than what happens within them~
what a truly inspirational post! freedom you are precious; to me and to others out there who read your insightful, honest words! have you ever thought about being a motivational speaker? you have a real talent girl! thank-you, thank-you, thank-you!
Thank you hopeseternal. My writing has always been a very special part of me,my internal outlet, since a young child..just now in my life, they have turned from wanting to run away, die, go away,using drugs and being alone to hope from staying away from these things. I found peace in writing on this site to over come alot of the pain I experienced from leaving my addiction behind. Check out the old forum too when you have extra time (like you really have extra time right!!!) but there is alot of my new presense there with alot of newly founding ideas of what the beginning of recovery was like for me. I thrived here day and mostly late nights.
I cannot believe the person I have become, just as I cannot hardly fathom that I was were I came from. But I best believe that both are significant parts of my life, and neither shall I ever forget, because this is what has created who I am today...I never imagined I would have so much from something so horrid...but a blessing it is to chase the demons back into their cave.
if it were not for the past, I would not be here on this site doing what I love-writing and helping others.
if it were not for what I chose to change in my life, I would still be waiting for the day to come that I have the strength and desire to do so...either the first day, tomorrow or a year from now....if I choose not to change something I wish to not be a part of my daily life that IS changable, I will just wish I would or wait for the day that I can. Or hate the fact that I am torn apart knowing I might never do so.
However, whenever, whatever....I truely believe there is a reasoning behind each step we all take, and always have believed this way...each step we take brings us to another, we can choose to wonder why on the step we are on when we may never know...or we can choose to step up one more step...and at least have peace knowing it did'nt hurt us to do so.
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Posted: Dec 07, 2006 - 11:21 PM Post subject: It does get better. Thoughts on a year of recovery.
I noticed this date after I posted, glad someone brought up an older thread...but also wonder how Dave is doing.
_________________ ~what happens to a person is less significant than what happens within them~
i will most definitely check out some of the older pages you were mentioning and i will find the free time to do so!
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I truely believe there is a reasoning behind each step we all take, and always have believed this way...
i would probably refer to this as fate or destiny -- i believe that all the choices we make in life are to make us stronger and better in the end; even if we falter, get side-tracked, or distracted; eventually we find our place in the greater scheme of things. sure, some of us fail or give up trying, but that is part and parcel of the greater scheme of things as well. i believe that we all live and learn; we learn by personal experience and by the experience of others; we also get out of life what we put into it. i have learned in my life that things are never in extremes; purely black or white; good or bad -- it's mostly a world of greys. i have learned from the fact that i am a flawed being who has hurt others around me by the choices and paths in life that i chose to follow; that others also have flaws and therefore, what right to i have to judge or condemn them for their choices? i struggle every day with being a less critical, non-judgemental person; and i can honestly say today that i have greatly changed in this respect. i feel i am finally now able to be quite open and willing to accept others as they are, and be able to give respect to the people i meet regardless of their race, social status, culture etc. i have learned tolerance in my life, and this is one of the greatest gifts i have been given. i wish you and everyone else here continued success on your life paths whatever they may be and wherever they may take you. peace and love to all!
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