Well I have read so many stories and its unbelievable knowing i'm not alone....Even though I have always known tons of people use I guess I sometimes feel like I am one of the few that can not control this substance, I then feel weak and defeated..., but to find a place to read about others that admit their problems and the overwhelming feeling of being out of control themselves has lightened my guilt of being weak.
I have been using cocaine regularly for about 3 to 4 years. I have recently broken up with my boyfriend of 3 - 4 years...Yes after meeting him I started using...So our relationship revolved around cocaine....and that is so hard to end a relationship with someone that you love and we both want to stop the drugs, but everything and everyday reminds and triggers us to use.....I often wondered if i really did love him or was I and am I addicted to him just as much as I am with cocaine...but i guess in reality it doesnt matter if we both stop or not, we can never have a future together now that i realize that a huge part of stopping is by avoiding triggers. And no matter what we do together or even talk on the phone together a trigger unkowning is set off in at least one of our minds everytime...which then causes both of us to get high.
So yesterday evening was my first night of Phase one meetings at a Addiction Centre for women....I really liked it and was so proud of myself that I fought the craving all day....but here I am at 5:00 am still up cause I went to get some at 11:00 pm last night....
How could I beat the craving all day, be proud of myself for going to the addiction meeting coming clean to my mom about my problem and then have one glas of wine and not being able to stop myself from getting some tonight....That is just crazy how something can control you so much....I mean 100% over takes your mind and body of being able to make a choice of not getting any.....you think that you should beable to say no and i did for about 2 days, but the cravings started 10 hours ago...and then the devil won after 10 hours of saying no, going to an addiction meeting...which you would think would make it easier...but did the total opposite...Sitting there talking with others I enjoyed it and I did listen but I wanted to get high the more and more people talked......
I like to call it the Bratty Syndrome...when someone or myself says no to myself "I can not have it"...the more i want it....It use to be simple things like shoes or clothes, but now its all about the cocaine...
Well there I wrote my first letter...Thanks for listening
Welcome home, you will find your life to be written by others here. You will see others living through your addiction. You will see your strength weaken here, But you will see support as well, with that support you will build your pillar of strength as well. You will read one day a story that will strengthen your resolve. You already have taken a step that many here can not take and that is to go to meetings. I don't have the strength yet...I can only look forward to it one day...I wish you the best of luck, sincerely. I can not offer much advice myself because I am an addict, I can only relate to you. I must say that this site has enabled me to confront my addictions. I am up at this time of the day because of so many years of using, that even though I have been straight for about two weeks, My body clock still is a nocturnal one. Anyway, Welcome home... I wish you luck.
when someone or myself says no to myself "I can not have it"...the more i want it.
Well, see...That's part of the problem right there.
Your telling yourself... I can not have it
Instead of knowing.. You do not want it
I don't see it as, you fought off cravings
for 10 hrs before giving in....
You made your cravings wait for 10 hrs.
You shouldn't be fighting cravings that long,
cause they shouldn't live rent free in your head that long,
if your serious about getting clean and willing to quit.
You need to stop messing with your ex,
if you know the two of you, ending up using together.
Your trigger occurs before calling him, which is simply..
wanting to use, you give in by calling him, knowing already.
You can not drink anymore...period
If meetings make you crave the drug more,
like it did for me...don't go to meetings then.
Wait until your grounded in recovery.
If your not willing to stay clean,
because you want to, not because you have to,
you won't be getting clean anytime soon.
Peace & Strength,
Lynn
_________________ If you can not stand for something, you will fall for everything
I can not offer much advice myself because I am an addict,
seste,
what's this then:
Quote:
You will see others living through your addiction. You will see your strength weaken here, But you will see support as well, with that support you will build your pillar of strength as well. You will read one day a story that will strengthen your resolve.
if it wasn't for us addicts, there wouldn't be any advice to be given. what you said above, would grab any addicts attention and give them the hope they are looking for.
good for you, keep being supportive.
bill
_________________ I can embrace myself, hold my own hand, love me - but, I can't gaze into my own eyes and feel my own soul lift me up.
You have found a great site for support here, and I just wanted to say
As hard it it may seem consider that your main focus should be on you and your recovery right now and the relationship answers that you are seeking will come to light in there own time. Concentrate on you and your recovery for the days to follow and be proud of the accomplishments you have made so far. The meeting you attended and the feelings you have about yourself for taking that step is just the beginning to a better tomorrow and a healthier future for you to embrace....
Wishing you Strength and Peace ...
Michelle
_________________ Positives create better results then Negatives
Welcome to the site Lynne, I hope you will find a lot of info and support that are available on here.
I read your post and of course I think that your decision to stop using is fantastic, but can you share more info as to what has led you to this decision. What has brought you to this point?
You should definitely avoid your known triggers (bf, meetings) and maybe look at some other ways to get some help, maybe just checking out links available thru this site, private therapy. Help is where you find it, and you'll definitely find it here.
Lucy
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