Rear view mirror....

Asadwife · Resident

Michelle,

My thoughts are with you. I have stood in your shoes and shared those same butterflies. I wish that I knew the answers or the perfect words to offer because I would sure like to share them with you right now. All I can say is that your kindness and your responses have helped me through some difficult times. Tonight, I will pray for you.

Kelly

Admin · Site Admin

I am sorry to hear that. Once I wrote to you: Be strong as you can be, be soft as you want to be.

pause4poetry · Moderator

Dear Kelly,

Thank you so much for your words and your prayers.

Today was good day,
and I am doing my best
to remain positive.

We both have pretty full schedules this week, and I think we are both trying to focuss on that instead of the past couple of days. The idea that he has a full schedule is good because it gives him something else to focuss on. I intend to stay focussed on the things I have before me, and not so much on his use Saturday. Tonight neither one of us brought it up. I feel that he is very aware of my fears and emotions right now as I shared my feelings with him Saturday night. I do have faith in him, and that faith will remain until I feel that I may no longer feel that faith. I do think that he has worked hard on his sobriety, and I am very hopeful that he will continue to do so. I do so want us to be able to continue communicating as we have, because I feel that it is important for us both to be able to share what we both feel, especially now. So far the communication between us has been far more then I could ask for in spite of where his addiction has taken us.

One day at time, I am willing. His sobriety has given me more of an opportunity to know the man beneath the addiction, snd that person suits me more then anyone I have ever met. As long as he is sincerely and actively willing to work on his sobriety I will continue to support him.

Once again, thanks...
keeping you and yours in my prayers as well...

In Strength and Peace,

Michelle

Admin · Site Admin

Did Darell went trough the thyroidectomy? Is he on hormonal therapy?

pause4poetry · Moderator

Gene,

Darell and his younger sister DID NOT have the gene that would have required him to have his thyroid removed, however 2 of his brothers did. He is not receiving any Hormonal therapy.

His recent recheck for cancer was good as well. Overall, he is physically healthy and has gained back his weight that was lost due to Cancer, surgeries and his addiction.

Michelle

Admin · Site Admin

Quote:

Darell and his younger sister DID NOT have the gene

That's a good news.
Many people say that most difficult part is to stay away from the first hit, contrary I believe: much more difficult is to stay away from the second hit. If Darell was/ would be able to stay away from the second hit, he is on the right track.

pause4poetry · Moderator

Gene,

So far this week he has done well. I am trying to not get up everyday assuming he is going to use. It has been so nice to be out of that alert mode for the most part.

I am here to help, or support what I can, but I know the hard part is up to him.

I am still hopeful here. I can tell you that having him sober has been great, and I really feel like he has been enjoying his sober days also. I really love who he is when he is not using, and I would hate to lose him all over again. Scary yes, but the overall attitude here is positive for the moment....

Michelle

pause4poetry · Moderator

Although I have continued to work, I have been sick for about a week.

I could not have asked for him to be more present,
or attentive ....that is until tonight.

I last saw him mid day today with the idea that
I would again see him late afternoon.

It is now 12 midnight and my heart is once again
familiar with that sick, sinking feeling that I
had grown so accustomed to throughout his active
addiction.

Tonight, I am not waiting up to hear from him, I
am turning in as soon as I finish posting here.

No tears have fallen yet tonight, I just feel totally
numb. Maybe it is because I am not allowing myself to
feel, because I know in my heart I can not go back to
that place where addiction has all the controls over my
emotions.

Certainly I am worried and scared for him, but am not
forgetful of myself. I need a plan for me. One that
allows me to not lose track of myself.

Can he be reached at this point and encouraged to pull
himself back, I have no idea. I do know that it is up
to him, as I have learned that ultimatums don't work.

I am feeling pretty fragile right now as far as what
direction I should take at this point. I love him, but
right now I feel like running far enough away from him
that his addiction can't hurt me, but funny how it hurts
not having him here.

Enough here for tonight, or I will have to go back and edit the NO TEARS part of this post....

I will try to keep you all posted, my work schedule is pretty rough through Saturday, and I am still not feeling so hot, so I will just have to take it one day at a time ... hoping like he|l he is safe, and I can keep me together.

This is so totally not right !!

Praying for Strength and Peace,

Michelle

keepitreal · Helping Hand IV

Admin wrote:

Many people say that most difficult part is to stay away from the first hit,
contrary I believe: much more difficult is to stay away from the second hit.

Gene, you are absolutely right!

An addict who has blown significant sobriety,
was not overtaken by cravings but, by what they desired.
They fed their desire in order to satisfy their desire to get high.

Fighting off the desire for something you haven't had for some time,
and fighting off cravings for something you had the day before,
are not even comparable within the bigger picture....
and an addict whose blown their sobriety realizes this.

If an addict really wants to stop using drugs,
they are willing to stop using drugs.
It's not hard to say no, when you want to say no.

An addict who falls early in recovery is one thing,
an addict who uses after significant sobriety is another.

What happened to their desire for recovery,
and their willingness to choose sobriety,
if they willingly chose to use drugs and get high.

Admin wrote:

If Darell was/ would be able to stay away from the second hit,
he is on the right track.

Once again Gene, you are absolutely right!

Falling does not expose our weaknesses but, our strengths.

It doesn't matter if we fall,
it's whether we pick ourselves up,
and get back on the right track.

F-cking up xxx days later,
since f-cking up again after xxx months,
is not getting back on the right track.

Sobriety is not the result of,
being able to fight off and not give in to the cravings,
sobriety is the result of desiring to be drug free.

An addict has cravings because they desire to get high.
An addict satisfies their cravings to satisfy what they desire,

what they want to do...
not because they can't help themselves,
not because they don't even realize it til after the fact,
not because they ran into so & so and one thing lead to another,
not because they don't even know why...

There is only ONE reason why,
an addict has blown their sobriety...
because they wanted to get high!

They did what they wanted to do.

And, if they can't acknowledge this truth,
they are in denial, that they are in denial.

Just because an addict says they don't want to use,
or they don't want to pick up where they left off....
doesn't mean they are saying they want to be sober,
and are willing to say no to drugs and yes to sobriety.

For an addict in sobriety, every day is a choice.
An addict is forever and we choose whether or not addiction will be.

I Love You Michelle Rose

In My Thoughts & Prayers
Lynn

lilbubba49 · Devoted

My thoughts are also with you michelle.
Hugs Diane

Asadwife · Resident

Michelle--

For the past few days I have been thinking about you every day. I hope that you are staying strong.

Not too much to say to anyone on here. I don't feel as though I have any pearls of wisdom to offer anyone, least of all you. I have felt the same feelings and still do not have any answers.

It may be selfish to say, but I will say it any how. But your story scares the heck out of me. I cannot imagine walking back on the old path I was on. As much as I still care about my husband and love him I cannot imagine going back.

I feel so bad sometimes as if I am abandoning him. Other times I feel as if I cannot bear another minute of being with him.

Michelle, are you steadfast with the fact you want to be with him?

Again, my thoughts are with you. I hope that you are hanging in.

pause4poetry · Moderator

Lynn,

Thank you for the reinforcement. I have heard it many times before, but as you well know I needed to hear it again, and again. It really does help the way you lay things out. I love you for being the great friend that you are to me, heck ...I just love you period !

Obviously, he is definately not on the right track, but spiraling dangerously back towards full blown addiction ...

It has been a busy week for me work wise. I did not get home till close to 6 p.m., by 8:00 I had still not heard from him. By 8:30 as I was readying myself to meet a girlfriend, I just did not want to sit here alone because I knew where my emotions would tend to go. He showed up at 8:30 and confirmed what I already knew in my heart. He had used again tonight. I continued gathering my things to leave and meet my friend Debbie.

I know that it was difficult for him to see me making plans without him and keeping them "without" him. In my own mind, I am being realistic. If this is the path he chooses, he needs to know that I am not going to travel it with him.

Kelly,

Nothing about this is easy. I don't want to travel that path again either.
Chosing to share life with an addict, we know there is always a risk that they will use. I do understand how you can feel you are abandoning him, however you must stop to consider that he is the one that has abanoned himself first. It's hard and it hurts, but seperating ourselves from their addiction is far better then strapping ourselves on the emotionally destructive roller coaster with them.

Yeah, I am struggling, but with the hopes that what I am struggling with will lead me to a better place. I am not anywhere close to being there yet, but I am working on it "me." I am torn, because things were going so well, far better then I would have imagined with the hardships that his addiction brought to our relationship. I guess what I am really having a tough time with is the fact that he was able to stay sober as long as he did, only to give up now. So confusing to me. When I thought he could never reach sobriety on his own he did, it was the best gift I could have ever imagined, then one bad decisions, leads to another, then another and here we go again.

We can not make the decisions that will keep them sober, only they can. I guess you can say that I am still lingering here to see if he will be once again willing to chose to be sober, but the reality of my situation is sinking in as he continues to be willing to use.

For the moment, I am staying busy with my work, as I am a single parent and keeping things afloat here does require that I keep going. I am lucky to have a busy schedule right now, because being idle only allows my mind to work overtime. The only person that I have the power to save at the moment is me, so I am trying to focus on keeping a healthy perspective for me. I move slowly when it comes to change, especially when my heart is attached.

No doubt that my situation here would scare anyone choosing to stay with an addicted loved one as it shows that there are no guarantees. I have never forgotten that fact, I had only hoped and prayed it would not be the case.

I have my moments, I feel that I am strong, but on the other hand I am exhausted and disappointed.

Dianne - Thanks for the huggs, I keep you in my thoughts and prayers as well. You just keep working sweetheart, and keep us posted...

Thank you all, I really appreciate all the input here. Gene that goes for you as well...

Strength and Peace,

Michelle

Asadwife · Resident

Hi Michelle,

Tonight I just wanted to wish YOU strength and peace like you wish everyone else. I have read a lot of what you have written on here. I think you are already strong. I hope you find peace.

Kelly

pause4poetry · Moderator

Dear Kelly,

Thank you ... I really appreciate your kind words and support. It is always good to feel that people can relate and care about how we are feeling through difficult times.

It can be so difficult to attempt to try and understand what we have never personally experienced for ourselves. This site allows all of us to come together and share in a way that is helpful to one another.

As I said in a post yesterday, we may not always hear what we hope to hear, but there is so much we can learn from the many pages contained on this site.

Keeping you in my Prayers as well...

Glad your here ...

Michelle

pause4poetry · Moderator

Hello Everyone,

I wanted to update everyone about our situation here and my loved one's loss of sobriety. I want to share my feeling on how I am dealing with the issues here, and to let everyone know that I feel as though I am personally accepting what has happened here, as well as how I feel and what direction I am taking at this point.

You all know that I can tend to get a little wordy, so please bare with me. It has been awhile since I have journaled so this may get a bit lengthy, my apologies in advance ... Wink

Things here have gone pretty much as I expected after my loved one's initial decision to once again give into his cravings to smoke crack and end his run of sobriety.

Since then he has disappeared for 2 nights, not consecutive, but within the same week, using until all funds and means to continue using have been exhausted. A couple days dedicated to picking up the pieces, and as soon as the money reaches his palm again, the cycle continues.

This time for me is different in the sense that I feel as though I am sadly disappointed, I am handling my emotions far better then I did the first time around. I am still available to listen and encourage the idea getting back on track, but I am also staying focused on what I have before me on a daily basis.

Is this the role that I chose to play in a relationship, or is this the type of relationship that I want to end up with in the distant future? The answer is definitely, NO. Unfortunately, I don’t see it in a way that I can just sort out the parts of this relationship that I want to embrace and toss the rest like it does not exist. In my own mind, I am concentrating on keeping myself moving in a positive direction. As I said, I am disappointed, but I can not honestly say that I am angry, or hurt. I know that his addiction has little to do with me, and everything to do with his addiction. I have accepted that it is not within my power to keep him safe, or grounded to his sobriety. My plan is to continue moving myself in a positive forward motion.

The same boundaries that I set in order to provide me a sanctuary from his addiction issues prior to him reaching sobriety are the same. I am beginning to open myself up to the idea that although I love this man beyond words, the idea that we are destined to have a life long relationship is not a given. I accept this and it does change the way his addiction effects me on many different levels.

Yesterday made 3 days clean.... for those 3 days Friday through Sunday, he worked, but aside from working was here for the most part. Today, he will be able to cash a check that he earned over the weekend, so today is still questionable.

I have purposely not posted to this thread on a daily basis as I am trying very hard to break away from keeping a running tally of days of using vs. sobriety for my own sanity. I did however want to be able to share the directions things have gone since he chose to sacrifice his sobriety by picking up the pipe for the first time in approximately 1 year.

and the cycle continues...
associates with others that use....
has difficulty with money in hand,
using till funds are exhausted.....
willingness to use ....
willing to lose ....
willing to take risk associated with using

just like that ....back to ground zero.....

If you’re an addict and you have clean time for which to be thankful, whether it be one day, a week, a month, or a year... DON’T make that sacrifice. The likelihood of it being a one time thing is NOT in your favor. Keep moving forward by embracing your sobriety, stay focused and strong in your determination to stay sober. What I have learned about addiction I have learned from watching my loved one struggle and reading what others have shared here on this site regarding their own experiences with addiction. Addiction is painful, it loves no ones accept those that are willing to allow it to destroy every hope, dream and ambition that is allowed to destroy. It will take everything and leave you nothing.... IF YOU ALLOW it to....

...and last but certainly not least to those that have a loved one in addiction. Educate yourself as best you can on addiction and addiction issues.

Realize that although you can encourage and support any willingness your loved one may have toward recovery/sobriety you can not cure his/her addiction. In order for a person to reach and maintain sobriety, they must be willing to make a commitment to be sober. This willingness must be an on going dedication to staying sober, not just for the most part but completely.

Accepting that we can NOT change, nor control the actions of another is the best perspective that I feel we can have when dealing with addiction. We can set boundaries that determine how, and to what degree we are willing to allow addiction to effect us emotionally, financially, socially and otherwise, but that is dependant on responsibly deciding what we are willing and not willing to accept into our own lives in the face of addiction.

Nothing easy about addiction, and to expect anything having to do with addiction to be easy, I feel is grossly underestimating the power of addiction. I am responsible for my own choices, and I can not own the choice of another. Therefore, I will continue to do the best with what I have the power to control in my own behalf. I will continue to lend support and encouragement as I feel I can do so in an appropriate and positive manner. I will steer clear of accepting the burdens that do not rightfully belong to me, I relinquish them back to their rightful owner.

I stand by my sig-line that “Positives create greater results then negatives” and I will continue to strive in a positive direction for myself, the issues that I am responsible (sole owner). Hopefully my loved one will choose not to be left in the darkness that addiction cast for him, but choose to
follow in a positive direction alongside me. If not, I am already one step closer to my desired destination .... alone if need be, but better then not at all. Life does not stand still for any of us... it goes on, whether we choose to participate, or not ....

Strength and Peace to all,

Michelle

pause4poetry · Moderator

Quote:

Yesterday made 3 days clean.... for those 3 days Friday through Sunday, he worked, but aside from working was here for the most part. Today, he will be able to cash a check that he earned over the weekend, so today is still questionable.

yesterday...
DAY 4 was a good day as he had a good amount of cash and managed to stay sober.... not what I expected, but this is one of those times I love being WRONG...

Michelle