Now, you can say your being upfront about everything,
and that very well may be the case....
but, I'm having a hard time buying it
cause it just doesn't make any sense to me.
Lynn i am being honest about what the situation has been. I have been told the reason why she went to see what was going on in my post was because he asked her to go see because he thought that i had a secret admire in here. I don't buy anything anymore, don't know what to believe. Anyway, does it make sense to me.........no..........is that the truth, i have no idea but then again nothing he ever said to be was true. Nothing they say to me right now i believe anymore.
So if it doesn't make sense to you.......believe me if doesn't make sense to me. But i will not break my head why she decided to go see my info now why he left because its not worth the heartache. Now i just want to consentrate on me and my boys and getting stronger everyday.........me and my boys. Thats all i want. And of course i need my trip i have to see my sister.
Quote:
Nikki, I DO love you Dearly,
I do not just say that and not mean it.
If you don't know that by now,
then you do not know me either
Thank you i know you do and so do i. You don't need to detach yourself from the situation, i just want my life back now. Me and my boys.
Nikki-
You will get thru all of this. You are absolutely right to just put your concentration on you and your boys now. How are they handling all of this? I am sure this is a lot on them because of all of the emotions involved, so just lean on your family to help with all of you.
You are stronger then you think, and you've become stronger and stronger just over the last few weeks, you'll see and time will prove this to be true.
Take care.
Lucy
Well the boys didn't take it to well. They didn't know until friday when i went to pick them up at my moms because they had no school and my week started on friday night. So when i got to my moms, my boys right away asked where joe was. I told them that joe was no living in his own house and that we would live in ours. They wanted to know if we had a fight and thats why he is not there. I told them that sometimes fighting between two people is no good so its doesn't mean that joe doesn't love them. They cryed so much and said but i love joe and i want him to come back. I told them if they were sad because mommy was sad or because they were sad because they love joe. They said that they love joe and that he used to make eggs and bacon for them on sunday morning (which is one of the decent things he did for them), kids remember these things. Anyway, they were guite crushed, they talked about him today, which is hard for me because i don't want to hear about him. Kids are kids, and they usually end up being the victims in all this, they don't understand. Poor things, i felt so bad yesterday.
Anyway today we went skiing for their courses and that was nice to get away for the afternoon. Tomorrow i will go and take my pictures for my passport and get it signed by my doctor and go at the end of this week when the kids go to their dads to have it completed. Its hard but i am being strong for me and for my kids. I didn't sleep much last night but i am sure he is sleeping quite well, so the he|l with him.
I didn't sleep much last night but i am sure he is sleeping quite well, so the he|l with him.
Nikki, you need to stop that.
I'll tell you something right now, beside the fact,
you do not need to play these games in your own head,
That man does not get a good night sleep as we know it,
He lives in his own h#ll, a place that you should pray,
NEVER to be able to comprehend, imagine or understand...
A place that you should Thank G0D,
never found you, walking through the door.
BTW...Didn't your Mother want to know what was going on?
Peace, Love & Strength,
Lynn
_________________ If you can not stand for something, you will fall for everything
I have been following this, and all i can say is WOW.
Hi, welcome to the site.
I think it would be in your best interest,
to click on Nikki's name, which takes you to her profile page
then click on the link...find all posts by nikki,
and spend some time reading, to bring yourself up to par.
Clearly your post reflects,
this is the only thread you've been following,
otherwise, I doubt you would have wrote 75% of what you did
Peace,
Lynn
_________________ If you can not stand for something, you will fall for everything
one last thing, dont be Bambi. Be a wolf. Be strong, be watchful, be honest. If you see something in him that is WORTH it...thats ok. If you dont (this is where the honesty comes in) move faster toward that "bottom". Reason with yourself, have inner dialogue...have a list...of risks/rewards of this person having the PRIVELAGE to grace your life. Which is longer? Evaluate your own value system; are your reasons for waiting this out with him stem from a true belief that he can change? Or are you operating from a dysfunction of your own? Evaluate yourself, be honest honest honest with yourself...ask yourself the tough questions.
You are not Bambi!! Be a WOLF! Survival of the fittest...you can and will and HAVE to be strong!
Good luck! (change that avatar..your NOT Bambi!!! )
Wait a minute here...
You don't even know Nikki
to tell her she's not Bambi.
TRUST ME...Dealing with me alone,
would have helped her to be a Wolf already.
Where's your avatar? Are you nothing?
Please, do yourself a favor...
take the advice I left you in my previous post,
You don't realize how senseless your posts for Nikki sound.
_________________ If you can not stand for something, you will fall for everything
WOW .... ...missed this thread for a couple days ...
Bottom Line: Nikki we are here for you, although hopefully you already know that. You have had a lot of input here in the last couple days and I know not all of it has you feeling all warm and fuzzy, but you must know by now that all that has been posted by everyone .... was posted with good intentions for you regarding your situation as well as the welfare of those that come across this site looking for the same answers and support we all have come here to seek.
You say you need this site, so I see not reason for you not to be here.
As for what Joe has read on this site, it is an open forum, and perhaps he needed to see what has been written here. The fact is Joe could have been here working on his sobriety, but instead you have been here educating yourself, this can still be your sanctuary, don't allow him to take that from you Nikki ... continue learning and growing here with us ... we care about you and how all this is effecting you and I will continue to support you as you work towards finding that happiness that I know you deserve.
As an addict to recovery, you are dealing with acceptance as well, in your own time it will all come to light if you continue to work on YOU ...
Bambi, Wolf or Siberian tiger ... they are all simply anologies with ideas in mind ... You know, you are loved for the heart that you have presented here and a quality within you that someone, someday will embrace and appreciate in the light that is should be....
Don't let what is said here make you feel less then what you truly are because you are still working through your emotions at your own pace. I have no doubt that you are feeling very vunerable right now. Stay on track of focussing on YOU ... and finding that balance within yourself.
Here for you always ....
Wishing you Strength and Peace ...
Michelle
_________________ Positives create better results then Negatives
nikki wrote:
I didn't sleep much last night but i am sure he is sleeping quite well, so the he|l with him.
Nikki, you need to stop that.
I know i was just a moment of anger. Sometimes i feel sad and sometimes i feel very angry.
Quote:
Niki,
How many times did you speak with Joe today?
Did he call you, did you call him...or both?
He has not called me since friday at 3h00am in the morning and i have not called him at all since. Forgive me for saying this but sometimes i feel a little upset that he didn't call......although it is for the best. His sister got in contact with me to tell me all the lovely things that he has been saying about me and it made my ears curl. He says to his mom that i called him at 3h00 in the morning and that i bothered him and that he didn't want to talk to me. He told his sister when she told him to clean up his life"watch me i will clean my life and i will never go back to her, she is a bullshitter and a liar. Anyway he has major problems. So no we have not talked since he called me on friday. I won't call him no matter how much it hurts, stay focused.
Quote:
BTW...Didn't your Mother want to know what was going on?
My mom basically asked me what the he|l happened again, why did he walked out again. My mom and dad don't know that he still did drugs, i never told them anything of what happened in this house. She is totally confused. In her view the poor woman things that he is not ready to settle down with a family and have responsibilities and be a man. She knows that he used to be on drugs and thinks that he isn't anymore, but she kept asking me if he was maybe back on, she is not stupid but i kept telling her no. My mom is very sick, she has been struggling with heart disease, kidney failure, diabetes and last year was in a out of the hospital for months. Very scary and i just didn't want to put this burden on her. Did i do the right thing, i don't know i just wanted to protect her from all this.
Quote:
He lives in his own h#ll, a place that you should pray,
NEVER to be able to comprehend, imagine or understand...
A place that you should Thank G0D,
never found you, walking through the door.
I do consider myself lucky that i was never in that situation, but i will pray for him everyday that he gets out of this situation before its too late for him. No matter what happened between us i don't want anything bad to happen to him.
I appreciate your feed back and your support. Just a couple of answers to your question.
Joe is the youngest of 3 boys and the middle child of 6 kids. He had a very hard life. He was never treated properly by his dad. His father was very abusive with all his kids but mostly joe. He was abusive with his mom and had a drinking problem. Still to his day he isn't very nice to joe. Joe has been on drugs since he is 13 yrs old.
Although when i talked to joe he had the worst treatment from his dad but when his sisters talks to me she tells me that he wasn't the only child in the family they all had the same father and they are all not *censored F--> up. I know that i had a hard life but luckily for me i didn't go down that road, but we are not lucky. I know that he and was using more than he tells me. He had no money so maybe he owes money.....thats what some people are telling me, and some people are telling me that he just used me. Regardless why he left, the main thing is he did and now thats no longer an issue. He made his decision and now i have made mine. My decision has been taken not because i want to please anyone here or make them proud of me, i made the decision for me and for my kids. I do suffer since he is gone but it will eventually get better, time heals all wounds.
I hope i have answered all your questions and thank you for your advice.
Nikki we are here for you, although hopefully you already know that
Oh michelle, i know that i am forever grateful to have you guys. As to joe going himself on the website he hasn't. He doesn't know how to use a computer. He only knows how to open it and then he doesn't know how to connect to the internet and open it. I always wanted to teach him but we never got to it. But who knows maybe he knew and never told me, i wouldn't be surprised. To be honest, i never knew that you could view the site being a guest, when i first discovered this site i became a member right away if i am not mistaken, i really thought you had to be a member to access the site. For the past couple of days he used to get very mad at me because he told me i was always on this site. I tryed to make him understand that i needed to come here not only did i make great friends but to help me keep things together. Its not easy being involved with an addict and not know what is going on. I needed to get educated. He kept telling me that this place was full of crap and nonsense and of course i didn't share the same feelings as him.
His sister told me also that he didn't make his decision to leave that day, he had been planning it for 2 weeks. Anyway, i just want to start feeling better and getting better. Thanks for being there michelle, i really appreciate you.
Nikki-
I'm sorry the boys aren't doing well with this, it can't make things any easier for you to handle.
You need to decide for yourself about telling your parents about what is happening. I personally think it would be in your best interest to discuss it with them as you could really use their support. It would also give you some reinforcement and strength to continue on your way with your life without him.
How are the plans for the trip going?
Are the boys okay with staying at your ex's while you are gone?
I hope you are holding up okay.
Lucy
I am holding up not bad, some good days and some bad. Tonight i feel a little lonely but it will pass. Tomorroww i will go and take my picture for the passport and then have it signed by my md. Next week when i don't have the kids i will go to the passport office and get my passport done. When i receive it, which should take about 6-8 weeks, i will look at the prices for booking.
The boys will eventually be fine. They always talk about joe and i don't know how to handle it, i dont' want to hear about him so i really don't know if i should tell them not to talk about him. Maybe that is their way of healing or feeling better.
Lucy, how is mark doing. Did he come home that night finally. I am sorry you have to go through this. I hate drugs, i wish all the best to joe to clean up his life. I don't want harm to him even if i am angry, i just want him to be okay, but thats up to him and not my anymore.
well who hasn't. you know, there's a good chance here, that my life has been 10 times harder than joe's, yet i don't feel that's reason enough for me to not make any effort to deal with my addiction.
observer wrote:
Quote:
I really felt confident in my analysis of the dynamic between he and his family, (mostly father) and that it may have something to do with why he is inable to step up to the plate.
read my history. i've stepped up to the plate. what makes joe so special, that you feel this need to justify his wanting to smoke crack, simply because he likes it.
observer also writes:
Quote:
Next, even though everyone on here will tell you over and over to leave and never go back, i wont. Why?
probably because you have not been following or are aware of the entire history of the situation.
Quote:
Well, because you wont be done with him until you are done with him.
oh, well now there's something that the rest of us failed to consider.
listen, observer, if you knew nikki like some of us do and had been involved in supporting her as long as some of us have, then you'd be using this opportunity now, to re-enforce the neccessity to act now, cut all ties, put him out of mind and move on.
Quote:
The boys will eventually be fine.
yes they will, nikki, quicker than you know. i posted somewhere way back about how my boys talked about my ex girlfriend alot when i seperated from her. it hurt me a great deal hearing them talk about her. but, they did get over it
Quote:
I don't want harm to him even if i am angry, i just want him to be okay, but thats up to him and not my anymore.
that's fair enough nikki, no one says you can't still care. wish him well in thought. but from here on out it's all about you and that's who we are all here for. you!!
_________________ I can embrace myself, hold my own hand, love me - but, I can't gaze into my own eyes and feel my own soul lift me up.
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Everything IS going to be alright Darling
Hi, welcome to the site.
(change that avatar..your NOT Bambi!!! 
...missed this thread for a couple days ...
