Well here goes nothing. Hello to all, i am finally after several months of reading different websites about addiction, actually seeking the help i so despreatly need. I have been on crack for about a year now, and am on the highway to he|l. I have never understood "addiction" because i have never experienced it until now, and oh how ashamed i am of myself. I was always the preacher to my friends, and family about all the bad habbits and what would occur from them, but i NEVER imagined i would be here myself. I believe i am a very strong willed person, i stand up for everything i believe in to the max, and here i am on a 3week binge, i mean everyday ALL DAY LONG! I have lost everything i have worked all my life for. And i have children wich makes this sooooo much more painful. I cannot seem to escape this evil, i am so far gone i am afraid i can never make it back. It dose not help that my boyfriend is a coke dealer, he only snorts it but i have access to all of it, and most of it is free. We have gotten into arguements over how much i use, and how distant i am when i am high. But he continues to keep it accessable. I just don't know where to begin, i have no friends and my family would be devastated if they found out. I have never felt so alone and scared in my entire life. HELP PLEASE!
I just have one question are You ready to make the change? Will you go through the mental cravings they will go away eventaully. There comes a time that people feel bad because of everything they loose as far as material belongings I did but that wasn't it for me. You can gain all that back by gitting off and not waisting your money but what I wonder is if you want to change then that would mean getting rid of the boyfreind straight up how are you going to stop knowing that he is always carrying it? Has he taken all your money too? Well whoever your buying from they are living it up while you continue to hurt yourself. Not to fear you are in the right place stay close we won't judge you but be honest with yourself and us. No need to hide anything here and You can escape the evil if you try hard enough.
First step crush that pipe and make a choice today is the day but don't keep putting it off. Often it takes a serious dissapointment or life threatning circumstance to get that wake up to what is happening but don't waite that long change can come before all that but it takes you being determined without a doubt. Remember if you slip along the way don't give up your crusade to get off this do it for you and your children. You aint alone I feel your pain in a deep leval because I see that your using has escaladed much like mine was all day all night everyday. The binges won't stop as long as you allow that to keep happening it will get worse and worse.
I seen death right around the corner and you will too becuase the heart can only take so much on the other side other loses in your life can result but you knew that right that is why you are here congrads for taking a possitive step. Welcome here and it is here you will find freinds who will care about you and your life.
without question, i agree. you seem to be looking for a way out. if he isn't, that's his thing, not yours. if you are really ready to strive for change, he will only be in your way. worry about saving yourself, he doesn't, nor likely will fit into the picture of your recovery.
Quote:
i have no friends
you do now.
stick with site; a good stepping stone toward freedom.
_________________ I can embrace myself, hold my own hand, love me - but, I can't gaze into my own eyes and feel my own soul lift me up.
Franny-You are not alone now, you have chosen a good place to come for friends and support.
You will not be able to get clean if you have free open access to your drug of choice.
As you know, this is not a safe environment for your kids. How old are they? What are they seeing and how do you feel about that?
You know that you can't continue in this way, you will continue to lose all that you hold dear to you that you have left. This is not healthy, and you know that or you wouldn't be here.
Is there a way out of this relationship with your bf? Is this something you have considered?
Please read thru and learn from those recovering on here, it can be done and you can do it. You've made the first step in becoming healthy by coming here.
Please keep coming back, please keep reading and learning. You are worth doing this for!
Lucy
You are in a difficult situation, in that your boyfriend uses as well as deals, which pretty much goives you open access to what you are saying that you want to stop.
I have to agree with the above post as in order to abstain from using you need to distance yourself from the availability to use as well people that use.
You have not stated whether or not you reside with your boyfriend, which would help us to better understand the degree of difficulty it would take for you to distance yourself from him and the availablity to use.
Please don't allow the idea that we are recommending "losing your boyfriend" dissuade you from seeking sobriety, but seriously consider that making a decision to STOP using will effect the quality if the rest of your life for you and your children ...
Franny you can do this ... and help is available to you.. encouragement and support is within your reach as you begin your journey to sobriety.
I hope you will continue to read, post and share here, knowing that you are worth the efforts that is will take to get going in the right direction ...
Hope to hear from you soon ...
Wishing you Strength and Peace,
Michelle
_________________ Positives create better results then Negatives
Thank you all for the encouragement, i was
so nerveous about posting, thank you for not judging me.
I do see that my boyfriend is a part of this but he has said before that he would stop, all i have to do is say the word, maybe he does not see my addiction? or does but wants to make me happy i don't know, i love him a lot and want to get through this
and stay together somehow.
But i understand i may need to leave. We do live together, and as
for my children i do not use when they are here or rather awake.
They are gone on the weekends and all three are in school
during the day. I have three beautiful loving, giving, wonderful
kids. My son is eight and has to have spineal surgery next week,
i am a mess over this, so scared for him and afraid i may be
"punished" somehow for my wrong doings. My two girls are five
and twelve, i believe they know nothing of my addiction, atleast
i pray not! I am to the point now that i am fearful i may lose
my life before i lose this addiction.
Finding your way to come here and post is a beginning ... and you do have the power to reach sobriety and it sounds like you have 3 very good reasons to want to do so.... Knowing that your son is going to require your undivided attention in the coming week gives you every reason to begin now.
Thank you for clarifying your situation with your boyfriend as it does help to know where you stand emotionally and capability wise as to your living arrangement. Consider sitting down with him and letting him know that getting your life back on track is extremely imoprtant to you and try to determine if he is truly capable and willing to begin a new direction with you ... be truthful with yourself as to not delay your recovery based on someone elses choices, or decisions.
Hopefully you will find that becoming an active part of the forums here a wealth of information as well as encouragement and support from people that can relate to your situation, either from the standpoint of their owm addiction/recovery or from the views of having an addicted loved one....
This site stays consistantly active and there is always a post from which someone can learn, or relate to finding information that is helpful...
Please continue to read as it will hopefully put you at ease to learn that you have found many people that will embrace you, as you begin to learn and grow to a better place within yourself... Glad your here ...
Wishing you Strength and Peace ...
Michelle
_________________ Positives create better results then Negatives
It is hard to be on either side of the table the loved one or the one using.
Quote:
Consider sitting down with him and letting him know that getting your life back on track is extremely imoprtant to you and try to determine if he is truly capable and willing to begin a new direction with you ... be truthful with yourself as to not delay your recovery based on someone elses choices, or decisions.
So true I hope it will be something he can and will give up with you. The heart to heart talks that can bring about possitive changes. There is nothing wrong with you sticking it out with him and if it brings about two people stopping then even better.
You should bring up with him to stop selling it and being associated with then the others he may use with just advice.
Love is powerful it can conquer any boundries if his heart is in it. You two can make it drug free make it your goal and hope to hear more on how everything is going keep comin here often.
Franny, looking for help and putting yourself "out there" so to speak is one step closer to sobriety then you were the day before you started posting. And that's what getting clean is all about. One minute, one day, one week... My main concern is for your kids. You say they don't know or that you think they don't know. I thought that about my kids with their dad and I was wrong. They may not have known what exactly but they knew he was "different". Don't under estimate a childs mind, especially your 12 year olds.
I hope you've also considered that if your b/f gets busted and CPS finds out he's been dealing drugs and living with children, never mind that you've been doing them, then you could have them taken away from you. I'm not here to critisize, just making sure that you are aware of the things you could lose because of the things you decide to do when they aren't there or are sleeping.
I hope your strength and your will carry you through the coming weeks to find the sobriety you are seeking.
I hope you keep using this forum as a tool to break the chain of addiction you have found yourself tethered to.
And a as big as the one I received!
ANM
_________________ Who is Life and why is he handing out so many lemons
I know what you are saying about the kids, no i cannot be 100%
sure, but i am very careful. My Lord i sound so pathetic! What
the he|l am i doing? I don't even know who i am anymore.
The thought of losing my kids is more than i can bare. I know
this has to be the end! I need to take hold of my life and
start being the responsible adult i used to be. It has to be done
Lord what a horrible, awful feeling this is....to be a fu..ing
CRACKHEAD!!!
Franny, I'm glad you're thinking about the repercussions of your use. Don't beat yourself up over it though. Learn from it and make positive changes that will lead you back to the person you were before starting this a year ago.
Did your drug use start after meeting/moving in with your boyfriend or did you meet him after your drug use started?
We're here to listen, others who have traveld the road you are contemplating will be able to guide you better than me, so keep posting and learning.
ANM
_________________ Who is Life and why is he handing out so many lemons
Addiction involves pattern,
My personal pattern involves the following:
1. use
2. recover physically, financially, logistically (work etc)
3. self loathing (one you seem to get)
4. period of determination to change
5. period of calm, shifting sands stand still
6. thought or action trigger euphoric recall
7. action taken to get drug use in motion, i.e. cash obtained, cruising in neighborhood, answering phone call
8. use
#4 allows you the opportunity to make your change, for me it is a 3-5 day window, you are motivated and willing - take the opportunity to act., at the very least make a list, you might not complete them all this go around, but the next cycle you might.( i hope for you and your kid's sake there are not too many cycles)
what are the things you can do today?
1. make a list
2. make an inquiry, call, web search.
social agencies, alternative housing/living arrangement, treatment programs, insurance policy/coverage, look up legal statues, list of consquences, restraing orders
you get the point, give yourself a break from swinging the club and do something to help yourself, you dont have to have all the answers, just start the process.... i know what it feels like to self loathe, i feel for you, i hope not to feel it for awhile, so i know it is not easy to stop long enough or feel enough hope to construct a way out... just take it easy,,, put pen to paper,,, doodles count.
I know what you are saying about the kids, no i cannot be 100%
sure, but i am very careful.
franny,
we can never be too careful. i finally posted, what happened to me on the weekend. you should read it. it could just as easily happen to you. and then where would you be?
bill
_________________ I can embrace myself, hold my own hand, love me - but, I can't gaze into my own eyes and feel my own soul lift me up.
I know what you are saying about the kids, no i cannot be 100%
sure, but i am very careful. My Lord i sound so pathetic! What
the he|l am i doing? I don't even know who i am anymore.
The thought of losing my kids is more than i can bare. I know
this has to be the end! I need to take hold of my life and
start being the responsible adult i used to be. It has to be done
Lord what a horrible, awful feeling this is....to be a fu..ing
CRACKHEAD!!!
_________________ If you can not stand for something, you will fall for everything
Franny-
Don't overwhelm yourself with all of this, just take a deep breath and start.
Bill40 is right, start putting you thoughts into plans and then into action, start with a list of steps that you need to take to start changing things.
Choose not to use today so that you can do things on the list.
Have a list ready for tomorrow and chose not to use so you can complete those things.
You have 3 children in this world who need you, you obviously love them fiercely and you want to be there for them. Take the steps you need to ensure that you can continue to be there for them.
Keep coming back Franny, we are here for you.
Lucy
Franny, I'm glad you're thinking about the repercussions of your use. Don't beat yourself up over it though. Learn from it and make positive changes that will lead you back to the person you were before starting this a year ago.
Did your drug use start after meeting/moving in with your boyfriend or did you meet him after your drug use started?
We're here to listen, others who have traveld the road you are contemplating will be able to guide you better than me, so keep posting and learning.
ANM
My drug use was pretty much experimental from age 13.
Well i did somke weed for awhile, until i got pregnant.
I watched my brother from the time i was six until the day he died at the young age of 29 fight drug addiction, he lived a life of he|l until he was 25 and became a father, and stopped it all. But the damage was done, he had damaged his brain so badly he started to have seizures, and it killed him.
Watching that you would think i must be a total self-interest person. But it always kept me in check when it came to drugs, never going to far, knowing when to say when. I have snorted cocaine off and on for a long time and never had a problem with it, but then on new years last year i was introduced to 'The Devil"
And here i am. As for my b/f he just started doing drugs five years ago and he's 47!
I want to thank you for your words.
I want to thank you all so much! I believe finding
this place just may very well have saved my life.
All that i have been reading, and all of you who
are so encouraging is really making a difference.
I finally feel like i might have a shot! Keeping
this all in was killing me.
One day one step is my motto for the day!
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