Got a few problems and would like more than anything to vent but responses are great too
1) I went to my outpatient rehab appointment today and she told me that in order to qualify for the program I have to come off of the Methadone. I told her that me coming off the methadone will only result in me finding another drug which may not be legal, supervised, or have the inability for me to abuse it. She didnt change so there goes the rehab out the door. I really want and need it but I know myself well enough that if I come off the methadone I will find another drug to take its place and it could be much worse than methadone.
2) I have been going to the methadone clinic for 8 days now at 35 mgs a dose and I have not missed a day yet. My counselor told me that most of the side effects that make me feel high will go away as I build up a tolerance to it and he said that ahould happen in about a week. Well its been a week and the feelings dont seem to be subsiding to any degree. Should I lower the medication or should I wait a little longer for this dose to work itself out and build a tolerance? Im afraid lowering my dose will bring my cravings back as the dose im on doesnt keep the cravings completely away so if I lowred it then the cravings would get worse but I wouldnt feel as high as I do. I dont want to feel high I just want to feel normal and be without the cravings which is what they told me would happen but its not happening. Maybe my metabolism is different from most and its taking my body longer to build up a tolerance? So Im confused about what I should do.
3)I went to my first NA meeting the other day with the company of my mother. I wasnt at the meeting for 5 minutes when my mother leaned over and told me that I looked really high and all the rest of the people at the meeting looked sober. And that I didnt have a right to be at a meeting while I was high even if it is being prescribed at the clinic. So she made me uncomfortable enough that now I am even more afraid and nervous to go back. Even going the first time was a HUGE step for me and she picked it up and threw me back about 100 feet. Is it or is it nor okay to attend an NA meeting while under the influence of methadone administered by a clinic?
I would love to hear what you all have to say its real important to me because I am very confused.....
_________________ Your Admin, Gene. -=People who ask our advice almost never take it. Yet we should never refuse to give it, upon request, for it often helps us to see our own way more clearly. =-
_________________ Your Admin, Gene. -=People who ask our advice almost never take it. Yet we should never refuse to give it, upon request, for it often helps us to see our own way more clearly. =-
Last edited by Admin on Feb 05, 2007 - 10:40 PM; edited 1 time in total
I hope you know,
the only reason I never responded,
to your *rantings* after that post of mine,
which inflamed you..was because I didn't have to.
I was leaving you where you were.
Furthermore, the only reason I'm posting now,
and have been posting to you, is because I do care.
But, the sad thing is, and not that you care,
I'm only a step away from leaving you where you are,
finding your imminent collapse, perversely amusing.
What is it I find amusing??
That you just don't seem to get it or want to admit it.
YOU CAN NOT RUN AWAY FROM YOURSELF.
You rely on your thinking, to provide your own answers,
to provide you with the solutions, yet, your the problem.
And until you find a solution for that,
you won't find solutions for anything else.
Nothing changes if nothing changes,
and if I keep doing what I've always done,
I'll keep getting what I've always got,
and will keep feeling what I always felt
You'd rather blow off rehab,
instead of blowing off a free, *legal* high.
Tell me Im2, what will you do
when your body levels off with the Methadone.
When you don't feel that high anymore..
one which you shouldn't be feeling now.
You mark my word, as sure as my name is Lynn,
your going to wish to G0D, you never ran to Methadone.
If I knew where the clinic was you go to,
I'd make it my business to place a few calls.
As far as NA, you stated on Jan. 30th.
your first meeting was the following day
and your fiance was going with you.
What happened there?
Why did your mom go with you and not him?
Do you really have a fiance?
What's going on with school?
You weren't back in school, were you.
And, frankly, If what you say is true,
about being raped by your mom's bf,
and that she knew but, she made him stop
and choose to stay with him over money issues.
I'd give a flying f#ck what she thought,
That were me, I wouldn't be talking to the *censored "Female Dog",
LET ALONE, consider her my Mother or call her Mom.
Im2, I don't know what advice to give you,
because it won't do any good,...
you don't want help to stay clean,
you want support to continue using.
The best advice I can give you, and for your own good,
Is to advise you to start, Keeping It Real.
Peace,
Lynn
_________________ If you can not stand for something, you will fall for everything
well i can see lynn has once again lost track of your posting. it's taken me almost a half hour to figure this one out again because you are now doing the same thing as before, you are starting too many new threads and they are on different forum sections and a person just cannot follow you.
i'm going to tell you again, then, and actually, take it more as a warning, that if you don't settle down and stay in one spot, people are just going to give up trying to offer you any assistance.
in this forum section, titled mix drugs addiction, you state that
Quote:
I went to my first NA meeting the other day with the company of my mother.
yet, in the section, titled general forum, under the thread titled , "how do i handle this, you state: "well, i went to my first meeting without him and by the way the meeting was great and not as uncomfortable as i thought it would be."
this i assume is the meeting that you attended with the woman you found thru the n.a. hotline i suggested calling so that you wouldn't need to go alone. you said that you had met a woman that you would attend with. you were meeting her a 8 for coffee before going.
so what i don't understand is how you can go to a meeting two different times for the first time.
lynn wonders about the bf, that was supposed to go to your first meeting. if lynn kept up on her darned reading she'd realize that on a nother thread somewhere else that your bf, said he didn't want to go after all, and that somewhere else you also indicate that after you went to your first meeting with this woman, that your bf then felt bad or something and said that he did want to go to a meeting, perhaps your next, i don't know, but instaead that the next meeting you went to was with your mother.
also in a thread somewhere you say that you were attending the outpatient program, that you had a therapist, worker, blah blah blah and that it was great. then somewhere. )i say somewhere because i just can't keep jumping around to quote everything) you say you are not allowed to be in the propram because of methadone..
what do you want us to think????
_________________ I can embrace myself, hold my own hand, love me - but, I can't gaze into my own eyes and feel my own soul lift me up.
I know myself more than anyone on this forum knows me. I am a drug addict and a bad one at that. If I wasnt taking the methadone right now I probably would have left home to go and smoke crack cause pills were out of the question anymore so thats where Id probably be but this methadone is keeping me at home with my fiance (who sorry lynn, does exist) With the methadone making me feel high and all yeah thats the truth but I dont want it to make me feel that high or Ill get too high to care and run to another drug anyways. I want the feelings to subside. I live wiht my boyfriend and his mother Doctor shops and its easy for her cause she is a nurse so she has bottles and bottles of Lortabs in her room which is only a few feet away from me right now. I know exactly where they are at but the methadone helps me not to cross that line and get back addicted to pills so I can forge scripts again and blah. blah, blah. I lowered my dose today AND talked to my counselor about what Ive been feeling and he said its normal and can take a little while longer for some people depending on their metabolism , butjust to be safe I lowered it anyways. About the rehab I said I had an intake appointment set up with a place called Pathway but my appt wasnt until yesterday and when I went she told me i would have to come of the methadone completely before I could enter the 90 day outpatient rehab. I told her that if I come off the methadone too soon i will just find anohter drug to fill the void and it will probably be worse than methadone, it would probably be crack. But I do have a therapist and I go and see her tomorrow actually. As for the NA meetings the first onw I went to was with a girl named Michelle that I met online that lives near me. I had a nice time with her, then I asked my fiance to go with me and he refused so then I asked my mom and she said yes. But when we got there she started saying things to me about how I had no right to be at this meeting cause I was high on methadone and everyone else looked sober and etc. so I walked out because I felt embarraed and ashamed to havewent there and I felt like I had no right to be there and I havent gone back. I did find actual NA meetings that take place online at certain times and I have went to a couple of those and i think thats what Im gonna stick with. I think between my therapist, my psychiatrist, online meetings and the clinic I will be able to remain sane enough (although not drug free but stable on this drug well enough to do what I have to do) to rebuild myself or maybe I never started building in the first place and I can start from there. Either way I have a lot of renovation to do and at least Im not out on the streets, im not prostituting, and my kids dont wonder where im at and neither does anyone else who loves me. Everyone has commented about how much happier I seem lately, even my mother said that and she is 100% against the methadone but she told me at least she knows where im at now and she can see me making progress. Isnt that all that matters is progress. Not everyones path to recovery is the same. every path is unique to the person whom which it was built for. This is mine and I am okay with it. I just wanted some opinions about some things but apparently I cant seem to do that here.
Gene the suboxone you are talking about it ony administered by 4 doctors in this area who are only allowed to treat 30 patients at a time and they are all booked but even if there were a spot available they dont take my insurance and I cant afford it. I have a friend who is on it and she said her initial visit was $500, all other visits $150 and the cost of the medication is about $6 a pill. I definently cannot afford that. As for the methadone I take it orally, its a liquid, my dose if 35 mgs and my weight is 175lbs. I am going to go see the doctor at the clinic today at 9 and see why its affecting my vision and hasnt built up a tolerance yet maybe he can do something that helps.
I will not make a comment on your path to recovery because those topics of conversations i am not educated about to give any suggestions. But i would like to wish u all the luck in that path of recovery that you are taking.
Quote:
I just wanted some opinions about some things but apparently I cant seem to do that here.
Its not that no one wants to help you here, its just that sometimes when you start to many threads its hard to keep up. Its not an insult when flaggin tells you to keep one thread. Believe me, there are people here who do want to help you, thats why we are here. Lynn stated that she does care and wants to help you, you have to be honest with yourself and your feeling. I am not saying that you are not honest, don't get me wrong. Bottom line is you are here to get help and people care and want to help you. I have never been let down by anyone here and they won't let you down either. Keep your head up and stay strong. Good luck to you
Im2, sometimes, you've got to give in to the methods available and try them before you say that they are not for you or won't work. Your negative thought that If you go off the Methadone you'll go right back to another substance is your addict brain taking over. If you go off the methadone and enter the rehab, you'll have the tools from there to tell your addict brain NO. Don't think that you can't post for oppinions and thoughts here. Just because an opinion doesn't jive with you or sympathise with your thoughts that you aren't getting help. If you're negative towards recovery, your success rate may not be 100%
Keep posting.
ANM
_________________ Who is Life and why is he handing out so many lemons
I know myself more than anyone on this forum knows me.
Yea, you sure do...and you know what,
the only reason that is, is because your deceitful.
You lie, exaggerate, fabricate, mislead and tell half truths
Why, cause that's how ashamed you are of yourself,
and of the truth behind your circumstances.
You were fine when it was *way to go* *good for you*
*your on the right track* *be proud* *stay strong*
but, being placed in the hot seat by another addict,
seems to have gotten you irritated and defensive.
You certainly know yourself better then I BUT,
I definitely know you better then you think
Im2sweet4u1983 wrote:
I am a drug addict and a bad one at that.
This is the only thing I know you are being honest about.
Yep, couldn't manage kicking your crack habit back into gear,
cause, ya need money to do that..obviously weren't ready to start hooking again,
so, ya got hooked on the Lortabs you were stealing for a high
and when ya got busted there, you turned to a Methadone program to get a high,
now, you don't have to steal or hook, our tax dollars are paying for you to get high
Im2sweet4u1983 wrote:
If I wasnt taking the methadone right now I probably would have left home to go and smoke crack cause pills were out of the question anymore so thats where Id probably be but this methadone is keeping me at home with my fiance (who sorry lynn, does exist) With the methadone making me feel high and all yeah thats the truth but I dont want it to make me feel that high or Ill get too high to care and run to another drug anyways.
Yep, The Opioid Family is a no go for you now...
And, soon enough, the Methadone you get,
will not give you ANY high...period, so,
your not out chasing a high cause your currently getting high,
and, granted, it may not be the high you'd like but,
Hey, it's better then nothing...beggars can't be choosers
But, then again, you probably want to stay in the program,
cause your mind is working overtime thinking about
being able to take the Methadone home instead of daily visits to the clinic
Im2sweet4u1983 wrote:
With the methadone making me feel high and all yeah thats the truth
but I dont want it to make me feel that high
I want the feelings to subside.
Yea, I know, you want to stop using but,
need to use in order to learn how not to,
Im2sweet4u1983 wrote:
I want the feelings to subside. I live wiht my boyfriend and his mother Doctor shops and its easy for her cause she is a nurse so she has bottles and bottles of Lortabs in her room which is only a few feet away from me right now. I know exactly where they are at but the methadone helps me not to cross that line and get back addicted to pills so I can forge scripts again and blah. blah, blah.
Yea, blah blah blah..Where did ya get the scripts from?
Didn't have to forge scripts, you stole the pills.
Probably why you and your bf had that fallout,
ya got caught w/ your hand in the cookie jar.
You know exactly where they're at, huh..
Now we see why your mom doesn't want you staying with her.
Why do your boys stay with your mom?
flagginthedraggin wrote:
also in a thread somewhere you say that you were attending the outpatient program,
Im2sweet4u1983 wrote:
About the rehab I said I had an intake appointment set up with a place called Pathway but my appt wasnt until yesterday
About the rehab..Bill's right
Im2sweet4u1983 wrote:
I start my outpatient rehab on Feb 5th and its quite extensive and Im ready for it.
Yea, you were ready until you found out
you couldn't use the Methadone to get high anymore.
Who would have thunk,
A rehab program that doesn't want people to be on drugs.
(I'm being sarcastic, you had no plans for OP rehab,
you just like to say things that sound good and make you look better)
Im2sweet4u1983 wrote:
I lowered my dose today
Sure ya did
Im2sweet4u1983 wrote:
then I asked my fiance to go with me and he refused
Hmmm, trouble in paradise?
That does tend to happen when non addicts,
deal with the reality of having an addict for a partner
Im2sweet4u1983 wrote:
so then I asked my mom and she said yes. But when we got there she started saying things to me about how I had no right to be at this meeting cause I was high on methadone and everyone else looked sober and etc. so I walked out because I felt embarraed and ashamed to havewent there and I felt like I had no right to be there and I havent gone back.
Run, run, run...Better bring your Methadone doses
back to where they were, then have them increased..
Obviously, the Methadone isn't doing it's job
with helping you to deal with sh!t.
Im2sweet4u1983 wrote:
I did find actual NA meetings that take place online at certain times and I have went to a couple of those and i think thats what Im gonna stick with.
Im2sweet4u1983 wrote:
Isnt that all that matters is progress.
Yea, when progress is being made
Im2sweet4u1983 wrote:
Not everyones path to recovery is the same. every path is unique to the person whom which it was built for. This is mine and I am okay with it.
True enough, not everyones path to recovery is the same.
And, thankfully, using drugs until one learns how not to,
is not the standard concept recovery programs are modeled after.
Im2sweet4u1983 wrote:
I just wanted some opinions about some things but apparently I cant seem to do that here.
Don't get yourself in a huffy, I'm finished...period.
_________________ If you can not stand for something, you will fall for everything
I know myself more than anyone on this forum knows me.
there's more people here who know you better than you know yourself.
Quote:
I am a drug addict and a bad one at that.
that explains it then, you just happen to be at the wrong site. all us drug addicts here happen to be "good ones" at that. no wonder then we seem to be having problems relating to your experience. yes, that does set you aside from the rest of us. i suppose you would prefer for us to be more sympathetic then toward your problem.
Quote:
I live wiht my boyfriend and his mother
i thought you were living with your mother? why is there never any consistency to what you tell us. everytime a person might begin to prepare a reply to what you say, your story changes.
Quote:
his mother Doctor shops and its easy for her cause she is a nurse so she has bottles and bottles of Lortabs in her room which is only a few feet away from me right now
nice to hear that you are residing somewhere then, where the problem drugs are so readily available.
Quote:
About the rehab I said I had an intake appointment set up with a place called Pathway but my appt wasnt until yesterday
yesterday was the 5th.
on the 4th you said this:
"Im in outpatient rehab, I see a theapist and I see a psychiatrist and have an awsome support system so I think I will be able to do this and be successful"
[quote]
then on the 5th, you say this:
Quote:
I went to my outpatient rehab appointment today and she told me that in order to qualify for the program I have to come off of the Methadone.
and what happened to school?
one day, that is all, just one day you sounded like you were heading in the right direction, now everything has gone to he|l again. you are doing nothing now to try and improve things. now you say you are happy doing online n.a. meetings so that you don't have to leave the house that contains your lortab stash.
good for you... i'm happy for you. i'll talk to you again someday when you're ready. in the meantime, i've got problems of my own. what i'm wasting my time on you for is beyond me.
bill
_________________ I can embrace myself, hold my own hand, love me - but, I can't gaze into my own eyes and feel my own soul lift me up.
ok let me go ahead and say Im not about to read all that *censored sh_t you just wrote because I dont care about what you have to say. why is it that people are ok with other people but as long as they dont post to many different threads. I mean different issue=different thread DUH!!Until you walk a day in my shoes lynn you do not have the right to say some of the things you say to me. Yeas I am a junkie and since I cant have the pills (which I stole from his mom and forged scripts from my dentists scripts to get) I am on the methadone. Which at least is controlled and I cant abuse, and I dont care what anyone thinks of me being on it. When I was 9 years old I started getting raped by my step father for the next 3 years. Everynight he would come in my room and he would rape me and tel me that if I told on him he would rape my sister too so I never said a word. about a yyear and a half into the 3 years he raped me my periods stopped (i started my period when I was 10) I had no idea what was wrong so I told him and it turned out I was pregnant. He lied to my mom and told her that we were going to go to foley and go shopping for her but instead he took me to an abortion clinic and i got an abortion at the age of 11. But the rapes still didnt stop. WHen I was 13 I finally got up the nerve to tell my mom and she believed me and she made it stop but she told me that she could not leave him because she couldnt take care of 2 kids on her own so I got to wake up everyday to the face of the man who raped me and killed my childhood. I asked my mom if I could go to counseling cause it was bothering me but she told me no cause then they would throw him in jail and she didnt want him in jail. When I was 15 they got a divorce due to the fact that he said I disrespected him and I did. I didnt think he had earned the right to ever tell me what to do. She kicked me out of my house and told me it was all my fault that he left. She eventually let me move back in and told me she was sorry for blaming me. Again I asked her if I could get some counseling and she refused to let me because she didnt want him in jail. I was about 14 years old when I started using drugs cause drugs were the only thing that would take away the sickness I felt when I had to be around him. I have held this in for many years and I know I need to work on it with a therapist and I plan on it.But I am not ready to feel all of what is going to come with digging this up. I have to numb it until I have no choice but to bring it out so until then I am going to do what I can to keep myself sane and from hurting too bad and right now that thing is methadone and if I lose that then youre damn right Ill find something else. Now lynn walk a mile in my shoes and then get back up on your high horse and tell me how right you are. You dont know me and Id like to keep it that way. I personally have nothing else to say to anything you post because you are only here to make yourself feel better by what you write not to help others and thats what I believe and thats what I know to be true. So when your done walking in my shoes and what I just wrote is not the half of it youll get the whole experience when you start walking. Youll get to experience all the physica; and emotional pain and fear and disgust and sickness and you can even walk through the last seven years and thats worse than being raped for 3 years when youre 9 so dont sit up on your pole and tell me that you know me and you know what Im about or what I want to schieve cause YOU KNOW NOTHING
I've BEEN walking in and out of your shoes
for roughly 7,665 days, so, I have a pole to sit on...
The things I say to you are NOT because
I think I'm better, it's because I know better
I'd rather it this way, then talking to ya about it,
when your sitting next to me on the pole.
This ISN'T about threads...
and, you don't start new topics,
you refashion the same sh!t
This ISN'T about whose childhood was worse,
and frankly, I think your story is bullsh!t.
While there MAY be some hint of truth there,
you've rearranged it to avoid being upfront.
You go to great lengths to fabricate senarios,
and, IMO, this is just another tall tale,
intended for the purpose of drawing sympathy
and to *shut me up*, in addition to, making me look bad.
You said basically the same stuff
the last post of mine, that got you going...
You don't know what your talking about
You don't know me
You think your better then everyone
You think you know everything
Your on a high horse
You don't write anything to help others,
you try to make yourself look better....
This IS about your ADDICTION...Your lies...your denial
As an addict whose been using on and off,
for almost as long as you've been alive,
I have an obligation to call you out on anything I see fit to.
I'm not here to pamper you or change your diaper,
and help you live in addiction la la land....
I'm not the majority here Darling....
on the outside looking in
I'm standing next to you,
looking from the inside out.
Now, if I am that whacked and off base,
about anything in the post I left here,
OR, the one that had you fuming, before you left...
Bring it to me then, for everyone to see,
prove me wrong or so off base,
and I will apologize or admit I was out of line.
_________________ If you can not stand for something, you will fall for everything
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Posted:Feb 05, 2007 - 08:11 PM
