A woman goes to her gynecologist's office and tells the nurse that she is getting married next week and wants to have a pelvic exam. The nurse ushers her into an exam room and instructs her to disrobe, put on a gown and get up on the table.
Upon entering the room and looking at the chart the GYN remarks "So, you're getting
married for the first time?"
And the woman replies "No, I've been married three times before."
A little confused, the doctor proceeds with the exam and then, stepping back in surprise, says to the patient "I thought you said you were previously married."
"Yes." she replies, "Three times."
"But you're still a virgin. Can you explain that to me?"
"Sure." said the woman, "My first husband was a contractor and he always said that he
would get around to it tomorrow. My second husband was a physician and only wanted to examine it. And my third husband was a psychiatrist who only wanted to talk about. But," she said with a broad smile, "my new husband is a lawyer, so I know I'm going to get screwed."
_________________ Your Admin, Gene. -=People who ask our advice almost never take it. Yet we should never refuse to give it, upon request, for it often helps us to see our own way more clearly. =-
A lady walks into a drug store and tells the pharmacist she needs some cyanide. The pharmacist said, " Why in the world do you need cyanide? The lady then explained she needed it to poison her husband. The pharmacist's eyes got big and he said, " Lord have mercy, I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! They'll throw both of us in jail and I'll lose my license.
Then the lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife and handed it to the pharmacist. The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now, you didn't tell me you had a prescription."
Diane-Great pictures you sent to Lynn. She's done a great job with posting all of them, its nice to put a face to all of the great people who come here.
How did your stress test go? Did you do ok walking on the treadmill? I hope all went fine and that you got a clear bill of health.
A mama mole, a papa mole, and a baby mole all live in a little mole ?/|\.
One day the papa mole sticks his head out of the ?/|\, sniffs the air and says, "Yum! I smell maple syrup!" The mama mole sticks her head out of the ?/|\, sniffs the air and says "Yum! I smell honey!"
The baby mole tries to stick his head out of the ?/|\ to sniff the air, but can't because the bigger moles are in the way so he says, "Geez, all I can smell is.... molasses!
First, Lord created man. Then he had a better idea.
Fine - This is the word women use to end an argument when they feel they are right and you need to shut up. Never use "fine" to describe how a woman looks - this will cause you to have one of those arguments.
Five Minutes - This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so it's an even trade.
Nothing - This means "something," and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with "Fine".
Go Ahead - (With Raised Eyebrows!) This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over "Nothing" and will end with the word "Fine".
Go Ahead - (Normal Eyebrows) This means "I give up" or "Do what you want because I don't care". You will get a "Raised Eyebrow Go Ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when she cools off.
<Loud Sigh> - This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an self-interest person at that moment, and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing".
<Soft Sigh> - Again, not a word, but a non-verbal statement. "Soft Sighs" mean that she is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe, and she will stay content.
That's Okay - This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you back for whatever it is that you have done. "That's Okay" is often used with the word "Fine" and in conjunction with a "Raised Eyebrow".
Please Do - This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance with the truth, so be careful and you shouldn't get a "That's Okay".
Thanks - A woman is thanking you. Do not faint. Just say "You're welcome".
Thanks A Lot - This is much different from "Thanks". A woman will say "Thanks A Lot" when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have offended her in some callous way, and will be followed by the "Loud Sigh". Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh" as she will only tell you "Nothing".
Warning: Beer Contains Female Hormones
Yesterday, scientists for Health Canada suggested that men should take a look at their beer consumption, considering the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer.
The theory is that drinking beer makes men turn into women.
To test the finding, 100 men were fed 6 pints of beer each. It was then observed that 100% of the men gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became overly emotional, couldn't drive, failed to think rationally, argued over nothing, and refused to apologize when wrong.
No further testing is planned.
A Short History of Medicine
"Doctor, I have an ear ache."
2000 B.C. - "Here, eat this root."
1000 B.C. - "That root is heathen, say this prayer."
1850 A.D. - "That prayer is superstition, drink this potion."
1940 A.D. - "That potion is snake oil, swallow this pill."
1985 A.D. - "That pill is ineffective, take this antibiotic."
2004 A.D. - "That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root!
Humour tickles drug centre that gives hedonistic high
There's truth in the maxim 'laughter is a drug'. A comic cartoon fired up the same brain centre as a shot of cocaine, researchers are reporting.
Read more Jokes activate same brain region as cocaine
-------------------
The man looked a little worried when the doctor came in to administer his annual physical, so the first thing the doctor did was to ask whether anything was troubling him.
"Well, to tell the truth, Doc, yes," answered the patient. "You see, I seem to be getting forgetful. I'm never sure I can remember where I put the car, or whether I answered a letter, or where I'm going, or what it is I'm going to do once I get there -- if I get there. So, I really need your help. What can I do?"
The doctor mused for a moment, then answered in his kindest tone, "Pay me in advance."
~~~~~~~~~~~
A 92 year old man went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later, the doctor saw the man walking down the street with a gorgeous young lady on his arm. At his follow up visit, the doctor talked to the man and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?"
The man replied, "Just doing what you said Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.'"
The Doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said you got a heart murmur. Be careful."
~~~~~~~~~~~
The Social History...
Do you smoke?
No. Well, when I was a teenager I tried a cigarette, but I didn't like it.
Do you use alcohol?
I had a beer once. Didn't like it.
Do you use any street drugs?
Oh, no. I did try a joint when I was in college, but I didn't like it.
Do you use much caffeine?
No. I only drank coffee one time. Didn't like it at all.
Any foreign travel recently?
I can't stand airplanes. Flew once and hated it.
Do you get much exercise?
Not really. My son gave me an exercycle, but I tried it once and didn't like it.
And this son is your only child, I assume?
_________________ Your Admin, Gene. -=People who ask our advice almost never take it. Yet we should never refuse to give it, upon request, for it often helps us to see our own way more clearly. =-
well I had my stress test,not good.Their sending me for a ultra sound on my heart.Im really starting to feel old.My daughter is throwing a big 5oth birthday bash for me in April.The funny part is she is having it at three in the afternoon,I asked her is that so all us old folks can be home in bed by seven.
Hugs Diane
A man and his wife were waiting for the bus at the bus stop with their nine children,when a blind man joins them in the wait.
The bus arrives but only has room for the wife and the nine children so the husband and the blind man decide to walk.
After walking for awhile the husband is becomming annoyed by the tapping sound of the blind mans stick on the sidewalk."If you put a rubber on the end of your stick we wont have to liston to that anoying sound,he says to the blind man.
The blind man replys,if you had put a rubber on the end of your stick we would be riding the bus right now so shut the he|l up.
Hugs Diane
Womens poem,
Before I lay me down to sleep,I pray for a man whos not a creep,
one whos handsome,smart and strong,who loves to liston all day long,
one who thinks before he speaks,one who'll call not wait for weeks.
I pray hes gainfully employed,and when i spend his cash wont become annoyed,
Pulls out my chair and opens the door,massages my back and bags to do more.
Oh send me a man who makes love to my mind,knows what to answer to how big is my behind?
I pray that this man will love me to no end and always be my very best friend.
Mans poem.
I pray for a deaf-mute
nymphomaniac with large boobs
who owns a liquor store and a golf course.This dont rhyme and I dont give a *censored sh_t.
A little girl asked her mom,
"Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?"
Mom replies, "No, because she is in heat."
"What's that mean?" asked the child.
"Go ask your father. I think he's in the garage."
The little girl goes to the garage and says, "Dad, may I take Molly
for a walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she said the dog was in heat,
and to come to you."
Dad said, "Bring Molly over here."
He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog's
backside with it to disguise the scent, and said: "OK, you can go now, but keep Molly on the leash and only go one time round the block."
The little girl left, and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash.
Surprised, Dad asked, "Where's Molly?"
The little girl said, "She ran out of gas about halfway down the
block, so another dog is pushing her home."
nice to see you back on here, diane. and yes, it's not hard to tell where you've been or what you've been up to lately. as i said before, the smoking had definitely been causing me much stress. i've been clean now for awhile and the stress is definitely not there any longer as it had been. i do hope that you can get back to where you belong asap.
bill
_________________ I can embrace myself, hold my own hand, love me - but, I can't gaze into my own eyes and feel my own soul lift me up.
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Ohhh Yeah ..... !!!
That is too funny gene
Yikes !!!
Is there a Doctor in the house ....sounds like he may need one ....
