Just blew 45 days clean,not sure why? I was doing so well,been here lurking for awhile thought maybe now was the time to post.All i know is i can't give up,i must fight the voices harder this time,i just feel down right now,like i let everyone down again,i was able to stop and come home to my wife and she knew as i walked through the door that i was high,all i can say is i must fight harder
Glad you are here, and I hope that you can put it behind you and continue to fight and win your battle with addiction ...
There are many here that can relate to what you are going through and by sharing with them, may be able to help you keep things going in a more postitve direction ...
I don't know the frequency that you have used in the past, but I would think 45 days cleans shows your that you are capable of reaching your goal if you stay determined to do so ... don't let this stop you ... stay strong and focussed on what you truly want to acheive ... today is a new day ... and you can make it go the that you want it to go ...
Wishing you Strength and Peace,
Michelle
_________________ Positives create better results then Negatives
Last edited by pause4poetry on Feb 12, 2007 - 04:52 PM; edited 1 time in total
_________________ Your Admin, Gene. -=People who ask our advice almost never take it. Yet we should never refuse to give it, upon request, for it often helps us to see our own way more clearly. =-
Here is a bit of my story
i am a 38 year old male ,i live with my 3 kids and their mom.since i met their mom life was pretty sucessful,i started my own company,nice house,new vehicles,bills got paid,had some money in the bank life was ok,i worked to much but i was taught that was what you had to do to be a sucessful.It all
went to he|l after i started snorting coke around feb of 04 just after we found out my dad had throat cancer,i was introduced to coke at a very low point in my life,you see my dad was very important in my life we were very close and to see him in so much pain was very hard,so at a [so called] friends house i was introduced to coke ,wow this stuff made me feel pretty good,the pain of watching my dad deteriorate did not hurt as much,well the sicker my dad became the more i used,besides my dad being sick everything was going ok,no one close to me new i was using so this went on until june of 05 my dad passed away in my arms.I was devastated,in my family we were taught that the oldest boy had to step up and be the man,well i did,or so i thought,helping everyone handle his death but inside i was torn apart,but see i had my cocaine to make me feel better only problem was i was up to a 8ball a day by now.But i was still fuctioning ok so no problem,well around Nov of 05 my company was starting to feel the effects of my use,well around that time a old employee phoned and asked for his job back,he was a pretty good worker so i helped him move here from B.C,set him up in a apartment,whatever he needed i helped him,so everything was going good again i had a guy i could trust to run the jobs,then i could leave and do more coke.
Not sure why i helped him,but now that i have had time to think maybe getting him his apartment,was just for me so i had a place to do my coke.Anyway new years eve comes along,after work i go to drop him off i go in to his apartment for a drink and some rails well the coke did not last long,so i phone my dealer[i only used one]no answer,well what now,my employee says he knows one but he only has hard,i thought what the he|l been doin coke for a couple years now and no problems,so why not.
Well four days and $3800.00 later my wife finds me.
She still has no idea,she thinks i am only doin pills cause that is what i told her.So after the four days i did not do it for about a week.
I began to use everyday after that,gradually my world started to crumble and in may of 06 it all came to ahead,at this point it was all crack,it was the only thing on my mind,i left for work one morning and never came back,that was the end of it all,i started living in hotels and doing as much crack as i could,got myself a chw,never in a million yrs would i have thought i could go as low as i did.Not sure why but in the last part of june,i tried to make contact with my wife,i had not phoned or went home since the first part of may,at this point the kids and her knew the whole story,the coke the crack and about the chw,it took about a week of me phoning before she would talk,i could not believe she wanted to help me.
We started talking but by this point i was so paranoid i thought she was cheating and plotting against me,obviously it was the crack doing this to me.
She had to take a restraining order out on me,she was scared of me,i was a freak.But that did not stop me from trying to see her.
I knew i was in trouble at this point,i asked my sister for help,well finally i was able to stay clean for a few days staying at my sisters house,i kept harassing my wife and kids,telling them i was going to get help,but i never did.So i got the boot from my sisters,lived in my truck and smoked crack,finally i did somthing to breach the restraining order,all i remember of that day,is me throwing a table threw her patio door,next thing me being taken down at gun point by the police a few blocks from the house.
So i end up in jail and then the psych center for a 30 day evaluation.
It saved my life,after a week of being in there my wife and kids started to talk to me again,my head was getting clearer,anyway i got out and the restraining order was lifted.
I moved back home on aug 18th 06 and have been fighting this addiction ever since.I have fell a few times since,but the one today has made me feel the worst,one thing though is i will never give up,i must forgive myself and look forward to tommorow,i must not let this take me back to he|l.I left out a lot of the story but i hope you get the picture of what this drug has done to me.
Dear willpower,again I say welcome and to let you klnow you have come to a great place for support and advice.You have so much to live for and are very lucky that your wife is willing to help and support you on your road to recouvery.Just remember that relapse is a part of recouvery and dont beat your self up too bad.Just remember the he|l you came from and dont want to return too.We cant give up because if we do the drug wins and we dont want to let it win.I wish you all the best and look forward to hearing more from you.
Diane
just read your story. you're a lucky man. it sounds like you are stepping up to the plate. no one said it would be easy and if they did they either lied or didn't know.
i don't think i've done this here before, but i'm going to ask you to read all my posts from the beginning. i think some others here will agree it may be worth reading.
i'm on my way to freedom from crack. you can do it to. whatever else you do, stick to this site and your day will come
bill
_________________ I can embrace myself, hold my own hand, love me - but, I can't gaze into my own eyes and feel my own soul lift me up.
I would like to thank everyone for making me feel welcome here,and although i had a slip today,i am still in the fight,and i hope i am on my way to freedom from crack to.
And that is no small task Bill,but i will start reading them tonight.
Yea i am a lucky man to have the family i have,this has changed our lives to a great extent,in a funny way it has made us closer and hopefully wiser but that one is up to me in the end.
Thank you for sharing your story as you have.... You are very fortunate to have your family back in your life and have every reason to not want to return to the road you have previously traveled. I am sure they love you very much and want nothing more then to have you back in their life, it is good that you have been given a second chance with your family, and are working to make the best of your situation ...
I agree that Bill's post would be a good read for you ...
Wishing you the best in your recovery ...
Strength and Peace,
Michelle
_________________ Positives create better results then Negatives
Willpower-
You are a motivated person-you got the screen name of willpower so I'm assuming you are the 1st here to have ever chosen that name-that's a good sign.
You are fortunate you have your wife and children for support.
I am the loved one of an addicted user, my son. Please encourage your wife to get support for her and your children in learning how to help themselves with your addiction, trust me they need it. Its so hard to see someone you love become lost to crack, and the more she understands it and what role she has in your addiction, the better she can handle things. Please know that we feel like addicts too because crack is effecting our lives so much, and we need to have our own "recovery" plan as well.
Know that you are the only one you can get clean for. You can't get sober for the sake of anyone but yourself, don't take on all that responsibility, once you focus on doing it to save your own life you will see how this immediately trickles over into the lives of all those who love you.
Do it for you, do it so you can live to meet your grandchildren, do it so you won't lose all your teeth or get lung cancer or stroke out or have an MI, do it so you will work and support your family and handle the responsibilities life hands out to you.
Please just do it, and ask for help along the way. We are here for you.
Well today went well i did not use,never even had a craving for the stuff,but who knows what my dreams will tell me.
Maybe not having the cravings today means one he|l of a crack dream tonight.
Sry about your son Lucy,but the best thing he has going for him is you and your husband,he is very lucky to have parents with so much patience.All i can say is,as long as he is still fighting this,the best thing you can do is what you have been doing for him and that is support.
In my case my Wife,kids,my mom my sisters and my younger brother have shown so much support for me,it is what drives me to beat this.And as long as i keep fighting that support will be there.
I have seen so many people lose everything to this drug including family and when that happens most don't want to get better.
Not sure for anyone else,but this drug just did not take my money it took all my self esteem and drive with it to.
Those are things i am working on getting back,antidepressents are helping abit for that.
And i am trying to get back to work full time and take care of my family but some day's and i have to be honest,i am so involved in my own self pity i don't go.
Somtimes i find it hard to stay focused on work and not doin crack,always looking back and asking myself why why?I know i must forgive myself but i have a hard time doing that.To tell the truth most days i hate myself for destroying everything i worked so hard to build.
Well enough of me for tonight,all i know is without support i would not be here,So i say yes i am very fortunate.
Willpower-
Give yourself a break. You made a mistake, its in the past, time to move on now.
Again, here's a quote read on this site, previously posted I think by Diane but I'll have to go back and check that, goes something like this:
When you live in the past your life is history.
Let it go, don't ask why, ask what can I do to NOT use, what can I do to make it through the day without using. Focus your energies on today, not yesterday.
Hating yourself won't help you or your family. They are there for you so I think they must like you at least a little bit, right?
Forget the self pitying too, you wouldn't want anyone else to pity you so don't allow yourself to do it.
Remind yourself you are a fortunate person, that didn't happen overnight, you've done things in your life to have these people still be here for you. Give yourself some credit. And take it easy on yourself.
Dear Willpower,Lucy is right,give yourself some credit,you have come to realize the damage crack causes not only to you but to your love ones.You can just go on and try to rid it from your life.Dont give up,sucess will be yours.Good luck.
diane
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Posted:Feb 12, 2007 - 03:39 PM
