I'm not sure why I'm here/doubt anyone can help me. The man I love is addicted to crack and can't (won't) stop. Says he wants to but it's like a regular 2-3 week thing, at best,guarantee to use within that time frame. I had my own brush w/coke 20 yrs ago, got away but almost lost my best friend to it, rehab saved her life. In the beginning I didn't realize how far gone he was, he downplayed it too (he was an almost daily user). I think he was genuine about wanting to quit, went cold turkey 45 days when we first fell in love. In the 21 months we've been together he also pulled off, almost 3 months ago, another 53 day stretch. But then he goes back to every week, jonesing half the time, talking like it's inevitable that he will use. He has no real friends and everyone he knows is into it. To make matters worse, he's been out of work alot, frankly I am pretty much supporting him so when he spend even $40 on it, I flip out - we need that money so badly.
On paper I look like an self-interest person for being in this situation. Getting used, giving him a cushy life while he lies and smokes the rock. He insists he doesn't want it to be like this but nothing is changing. He thinks I should be more understanding of how hard it is. I love this man but can't afford him and I can't take knowing he's doing that behind my back and lying to me! He thinks I should be happy when he gets $100 and only spends $40 and gives me the rest, says I don't know how hard that is, says because he didn't spend it all it shows he is looking out for me. It's not good enough. I am a bookkeeper, I figure at the rate I spend money/pay bills and don't get enough help from him, I see I'll be in big money trouble in another month or two when my savings are gone. At the same time he is putting me through this he is also so loving, accepts me and makes me feel good about myself, he has at the same time been such a good friend to me in so many ways. I love his 11 yr old daughter and she loves me. I want to be understanding, I know quitting takes practice but at the same time he's bringing me down, and what kind of relationship is this? Am I an enabler? I try very hard to not give him money or let him use my car but he uses it to get to work... If I make him go I will miss him so badly but I don't think I have any choice. Tried the drug test thing. He went along with it for awhile but won't do it anymore, kept coming up positive. He has a lot of pride and won't accept any outside help. Says he can't take AA, talking about it all the time just makes him want to run out and use. Now I'm punishing him for confessing that he used, so as to explain the small amount of money he gave me, and I think I should make him move out. But I don't want him out of my life! I just want crack out of ours! In order to save myself he has to go, but my heart is breaking! What do I do!?!?
I see your struggle to help him, however you didn't mention what he was doing to help himself.
_________________ Your Admin, Gene. -=People who ask our advice almost never take it. Yet we should never refuse to give it, upon request, for it often helps us to see our own way more clearly. =-
He would probably say "trying to not use". It seems he thinks he's doing pretty good 'only' using weekly or every few weeks. He thinks he's doing well if he spends half his money rather than all like he wants to. Sounds like not much? he says it's so hard. He does try to stay away from the people who also use 9 days outta 10, but then he works with a bunch of crackheads and his brother/only "friend" is a cocaine addict of the line sniffing variety.
Than you understand that you make his problem -- your problem, and this is not right. I am no way agitate for AA, but he never try to attend this program. You are in Boston, have you tried McLean Hospital, they have some one of the top county programs in Substance Abuse Treatment.
_________________ Your Admin, Gene. -=People who ask our advice almost never take it. Yet we should never refuse to give it, upon request, for it often helps us to see our own way more clearly. =-
lady-
Didn't know you had a thread here, so I responded under addicted to love to you, sorry.
Is he willing to go for some rehab help?
What does he mean by he's to proud for outside help? Does that mean no rehab? Or does that mean he's just not ready to stop using yet?
Why are you going thru all of your savings?
And how are you "punishing" him for using?
Being angry (altho I understand why you would be) isn't going to be productive and will only cause you to have more stress.
You say that he has been a good friend to you, now are you willing to return the favor? What would you tell a good friend who had this same problem? What would you do to help a good friend? Would you react with anger and threaten to end the friendship because of the drug use or would you react with empathy, compassion, support and suggestions of recovery?
Stop reacting to the situation and act on it, look at ways you can help, but know that he has to be willing to get the help.
Best wishes to you.
I really feel you have received good advise and feedback from the posts above.
IMO, It is time that you start focussing on YOU !!! You can do it ! Set those boundaries, the boundaries that you can reasonable justify to protect yourself financially, emotionally, as well as legally, don't allow his drugs in your home, or on his person when he is in your presence, reasonable and necessary to protect you . Not harsh, but logical, smart .... protecting your interest. Nothing in this life is FREE, at least not for many of us, don't carry him, allow him to feel the severity of his choices and reasonsibly carry his own load.... Setting boundaries can be difficult, until you realize that the boundaries not only help YOU, but help you loved one to hopefully realize the severity of his problem... his addiction ... enabling him only further allows him to deny what is essential to find the willingness to seek recovery ....
Don't accept the unacceptable ...Support and encourage what is positive ...
Wishing you the best....
Strength and Peace,
Michelle
_________________ Positives create better results then Negatives
Lucyb and Michelle, thank you for your wise words that I so desperately need to hear. We have looked into rehab in the past. Too expensive around here (the one place that had open beds at the time was $3,000 per month!), unless he lies and says he's addicted to alcohol then he could get a break - for 3 days, but still cost prohibitive, we aren't in Boston, here on Cape Cod. Seems if you need inpatient you can only get it if you have alcohol or heroin issues.
He's a proud Aries. Always keeps himself looking good, expresses alot of concern when he sees people that they will look at him and see his problem. It means he probably doesn't want to admit to strangers how bad it is. Means in his stinkin thinkin in his head I know he calls himself a loser and a bum. Might mean to him that if he can beat it on his own he's not. Tells me he knows what he needs to do; not associate w/users (note:tough as his brother who is also his 'best'(only) friend is one), keep busy, get paid by check/give his money right to me - he often gets paid in cash, half the guys he works for are users, or past users who act like they want to see him fall by sabotaging him constantly. Knowing he's trying to "tough it out" they will talk about it all day. He does drywall, they will pick up little chunks of sheetrock and say "smoke it up!" It's relentless. I don't know ANYONE in his trade that has a crackhead free crew. So the only logical conclusion is to get into a new line of work. At 40. Easier said than done.
He will list off all the work he knows he needs to do and then I say "Well, do it!" Again, easier said than done...
Going through all my savings to support us. He doesn't get much work partially because he can't get there till he drops me at my work, as he has no car. I have my own $ trouble, credit debt, have to buy my ex out of my house; money is REAL tight. Especially with him spending half of his small income on crack.
I need to loose my anger. I punish him by being so angry. Make him sleep on the couch, berate him for his behavior. I HATE it when he takes money we need and throws it away, I get mad at him for putting this addiction between us, for doing stupid things! He is so smart and acts like such an self-interest person. He knows what's a stake, knows what's right and goes and sneaks and lies to get the sh*t, and when I see it he still lies which enrages me. He has denied it even as I am standing there with the spoon he cooked it in/the bottle he made into a pipe/the hidden baking soda, etc.. in my hand and he's all sketched out. I take it personally. I feel am going insane in frustration.
Yes, all I do is react. After coming to this site I feel I can do better.
I am setting boundries now and maybe they will work because he knows I am not doing it out of anger and he knows I have to set them to protect myself from his addiction. I said he can live with me under my roof but we have to be financially separate or he has to leave. It has to be one or the other. Last night he said he doesn't blame me, but this morning he sounded resentful. We've been getting into it for 2 days, since his last "confession after the fact". I told him I cannot support him anymore. I am not going to keep him in ice cream, steak and pot, etc.. No more running up my cell bill calling "his boy". No more anything financial. We live together but he will buy his own food, everything, and I will not share because I simply cannot afford to help someone who just keeps helping themselves.
The car is the hardest part that I am unsure about. If I don't let him use my car then how on earth does he get to work at all? (often he works so far away that I can't bring him b4 I go to work and also he gets out like 2 hours b4 I do..) If I don't share my car he either doesn't work or he relies on his cokehead brother, yay. But, if he has my car, and gets his money then he's in my livingroom smoking crack in front of his porn while I am at work, working to support us! Sure, I get mad alright.
So I thought maybe I will let him use the car as long as he's in counseling. But he says he knows what they say and it's just a matter of him doing it. Again, he's a sharp guy, I believe he does know what they say but it could help anyway? He went to AA 3 yrs ago, every day for a week. Said it drove him NUTS, all that talk about crack just made him FIEND. So I say try again, with a diff. sponsor but he says he knows a couple of people he could call, myself included, when he's jonesing - but he doesn't call, smokes his crack instead. Or, on a good day, toughs it out.
So. Right now I am just trying to stop the money hemmorage and trying to loose my anger. He knows it's up to him. I keep asking him what he REALLY wants. I say choose: life w/me and no crack or move out (and party up all you want). My fear (and his too?) is he really wants to smoke crack freely and just can't admit to himself that's what he really wants because he thinks that he will sound like a loser. Intellectually he wants a life. He loves me and doesn't want to leave. He knows what's best for his daughters. KNOWS WHAT'S BEST PERIOD. But, that monkey has such a stranglehold and the only one who can kill it is him.
thanks for listening, Juliet
Cape Cod Employee Assistance Program
---------------------------------------------------------------------- ----------
Address: 569 Main Street Suite 9
City: Hyannis
State: MA
Zip: 02601
Phone: (508)771-7449
_________________ Your Admin, Gene. -=People who ask our advice almost never take it. Yet we should never refuse to give it, upon request, for it often helps us to see our own way more clearly. =-
If I remember this correctly it is in the same building where AA meetings used to be, at least 10 years ago.
_________________ Your Admin, Gene. -=People who ask our advice almost never take it. Yet we should never refuse to give it, upon request, for it often helps us to see our own way more clearly. =-
I am setting boundries now and maybe they will work because he knows I am not doing it out of anger and he knows I have to set them to protect myself from his addiction. I said he can live with me under my roof but we have to be financially separate or he has to leave. It has to be one or the other. Last night he said he doesn't blame me, but this morning he sounded resentful. We've been getting into it for 2 days, since his last "confession after the fact". I told him I cannot support him anymore. I am not going to keep him in ice cream, steak and pot, etc.. No more running up my cell bill calling "his boy". No more anything financial. We live together but he will buy his own food, everything, and I will not share because I simply cannot afford to help someone who just keeps helping themselves.
I feel like these are good, solid and realistic values, you are right NOT to carry the burden of his addiction. Feel justified in what you have outlined here, and make it work for YOU. Support him in taking responsibility for his addiction ...
Quote:
The car is the hardest part that I am unsure about. If I don't let him use my car then how on earth does he get to work at all? (often he works so far away that I can't bring him b4 I go to work and also he gets out like 2 hours b4 I do..) If I don't share my car he either doesn't work or he relies on his cokehead brother, yay. But, if he has my car, and gets his money then he's in my livingroom smoking crack in front of his porn while I am at work, working to support us! Sure, I get mad alright.
It may be tht the car can be used by him with stipulations, work, recovery related sessions, providing his own gas money, etc. Much better to have him working, if he can responsibly carry his own load and not blow it on using, otherwise you remain in thje same situation financially, leaving you no choice but to act on the boundaries you have set above. Are you confident that you can follow through? Stay Strong ....
Wishing you continued Strength and Peace,
Michelle
_________________ Positives create better results then Negatives
I have decided that he must pursue counseling as a stipulation to using my car. He thinks they tell him anything he doesn't already know but if he is talking to someone, it's just bound to keep him thinking about stuff. Which the monkey doesn't want. And knowing he's got the right things on his mind, I guess that allows me enough trust to let him use my car. Though not having it (and other things) these last few days has been good for him! Harder for him to pretend his addiction isn't interfering w/his life that much.
Part of him thinks if he worked more and made more money he could sustain his habit and all would be ok anyway. But in reality if he made more money - yeah, he'd throw more my way but we'd be fighting anyway cause he'd be running out and smoking more too.
Quote:
Are you confident that you can follow through?
I am a Taurus. I suspect even as my heart is breaking I can be soooo stubborn that maybe I can. ? I can stick to my boundries fine I think, but - can I stop giving him "chances"? That's the sticky part.
Perhaps in maintaining my separateness, if he can't/won't do what he has to do then perhaps that will drive him out. I mean, it's not any fun for him to be living w/o and me living with, right in front of him and me not sharing. Like roomates, not lovers. And as long as he's not doing what he needs to I'm not happy so we aren't 'together' like we have been in our hearts.
He's divided. He says he understands the what and why of what I'm doing. He acknowledges his addiction is the problem. But then he gets angry or frustrated and then I'm a female dog and he's moving out. Then I take him at his word and cry or get mad and even though he's still angry he tells me "I'm not moving out baby, I love you". And repeat. But I ask him what he's willing to do and he just says "try not to do it". I say not good enough.
This AM he said he was going to call for counseling but I guess I will believe it when I see it. And I want more, I want pledges to not hang with users, a plan for keeping his paycheck safe. How much time do I give him? I sort of feel 'do or die', so if he doesn't do it from the motivation of the car, etc..., how many days go by w/o him taking any action b4 I say "Go"??? Do I just live in stasis and see who 'cracks' (no pun intended) first? Uhg.
Thanks Michelle, hanging onto my strength with all my might.
J
Just a question. How will you know he went to counseling, if he is using your car. I'm not an addict but if I was...I can't say it wouldn't cross my mind, to take the car and use instead of taking the car and going to counseling. How will he be accountable to you for this stipulation?
I think it is great that you have already implemented some boundaries and that he is already feeling the impact.
As a longterm "functioning" addict, your instincts are correct; he needs to protect the paycheck. I would limit all access to cash as well, it is the biggest factor in turning a using thought into action.
1. direct deposit to an account not controlled by him
2. pay bills with money orders or direct pay from acct. - never give m.o. to addict directly especially if not fill out.
3. close checking acct- tear up all checks.
4. no cash for gas - use prepaid gas cards
5. he gives up credit cards to you or someone else.
If an addict is desperate he will find ways to use (change jars, selling c.d.s or dvds) but if you eliminate the easy ones, it buys him time to get past the lastest urge.
If he actually goes through with the counseling, he gets to use my car again for work. Work only. Until Last weekend, I had been letting him use it for work, and for 'looking for work' on the days he had none. Translation; the videao store and the dealer. I stopped letting him have the use of it at night (without me) over a yr ago because he would say he wanted to go have a beer with his'friend' and that was a big reeking pile of .. baloney. Once upon a time I would lend him money for 'drinks' or 'dinner' but now that I know what's really going on that's over too. I have still lent him money in the past but it's totally conditional - he has to use my debit card at the pos (so I can see the store name online at my bank) and then return it and now... it would have to be a darn good reason as I now know I may not get paid back. He will not steal from me behind my back, though he has come close, but that was almost 2 yrs ago. Back then I would hide whatever money I had just in case but I don't think he has ever gone into my pocketbook w/o permission. I am equally sure he's wanted to!
IF (when?) he gets 'treatment' I will drive him to and from...
Off topic but thought I'd share for all:
One thing I did about a year ago that helped a little bit - and just plain made me feel great;
Because he used my cell I knew his main dealer's #. Got his name too. Esp. didn't like the guy cause if my bf didn't call him for awhile he would call my bf and tell him all about how great his latest cr*p was. Grr. So, I worked up the nerve and anonymously called the police in the town he lived in and gave them his name, street and cell#. Seemed nothing happened. 6 months later they busted 12 people including his dealer! Don't know if it was my tip but still. Spooked my bf, thinking he could have been arrested too and what THAT would do to his life. Scared him straight for awhile. Granted for the wrong reason but it gave him a much needed break and we had some good talks about priorities, etc... It's a process. Of course he has a new guy now. I know his number and part of his first name...
Quote:
I think it is great that you have already implemented some boundaries and that he is already feeling the impact.
Thanks Jenni, me too. I just hope it works to motivate not drive him away...
J
Bill,
I am trying really hard to not tell him what to do. And hoping to see if he will tell me what he WILL do.
Quote:
he needs to protect the paycheck.
And boy does he put in the work there! Sometimes I think this may be the hardest part as he sees his male pride wrapped up in this coveting of knowledge too... He loves to start out with "I'm a grown man for cryin' out loud, I should be able to_______" forgetting that a truely mature and in control man wouldn't be where he is...
Your suggestions are very good. Direct deposit unfortunately out of the question due to his employers typically not being the most organized, or even tax paying people. The way we've been taking care of his $ obligations: he gives me his check or cash and I deposit it into my account then write the checks, per his instruction, for him. I think even though he has his own account he doesn't want to have any money in it, he could put it in for bills and then in a moment of weakness get the cash and smoke it. I would love him to be financially more self-sufficient but perhaps that's expecting too much right now. He has checks but hasn't touched them. ONE time he used his debit card when he had no money - but it was interesting - he wanted to use it to get cash for crack, and he did use it but - he bought a new dvd instead. So... he did draw on an empty account (wrong) but it was misdirected for the 'right' reason... He never gets any cash from me now and he has no credit cards.
The thing that kills me is he is so smart - smart enought to walk that fine line...
"I'm a grown man for cryin' out loud, I should be able to_______"
Others; "It is my money", "I am the one busting my *censored ( | ) for this"
etc.....
I have muttered variations of all these.
I only agreed to these restrictions during the period where an addict tends to make changes, (after a use, when remorse is high and prior to getting comfortable again) I have advised people who agree to restrictions to write it down,as a psu
Home
Contact Us
Search
Chat Rooms
Forum
Disclaimer & Policies
Forum FAQ
Search
Usergroups
Preferences
Members List
Fun Store
Watched Topics
Sub-Forum
