Bill40

keepitreal · Helping Hand IV

Things aren't always what they seem to be...
More times then not...it's exactly what they seem to be.

pause4poetry wrote:

Bill40 Wrote:

Quote:

It really speaks to the insanity of this drug use, I recall seeing some study where the researcher's premise was that cocaine, particulary crack diminshes the brain's capacity to attach value or distinguish value.

Thanks for adding this Bill, it really makes it more clear, especially to someone like me, who DOES still find it hard to understand why an addict goes not feel the value and the sense of loss that one would think they should be concerned with enough to keep them from losing things that to most of us matter a great deal...

I see it, I accept it as part of the addiction, and
you just made understanding it easier.

Really...How so?

Well sure, I guess it's easier to accept
what someone else has concluded as plausible
having been provided a suitable explanation which helps to
prevent someone from accepting the truth for what it is.

You can not understand why
because you will not accept why.

prem·ise
–noun
1.Also, premiss. Logic. a proposition supporting
or helping to support a conclusion.

–verb (used with object)
5.to assume, either explicitly or implicitly,
(a proposition) as a premise for a conclusion.

—Synonyms
1. assumption, postulate. 5. postulate, hypothesize.

bill40 wrote:

It really speaks to the insanity of this drug use, I recall seeing some study
where the researcher's premise was that cocaine, particulary crack
diminshes the brain's capacity to attach value or distinguish value.

What about the Meth addict, the heroin addict,
the alcoholic, the drug dealers, the drug suppliers,
the gambling addict, the dead beat father, the rapist,
the child molester, the killer, the obese,
the wife beaters, the negligent parents,...

What..everyone who seems unable to
attach value or distinguish value is either
snorting coke, shooting coke or particularly, smoking crack?

What you value is what you think about.
What you think about is what you become.
~Joel Weldon~

Sorry Bill & Michelle,
I know yous may place value into
what this quack pot assumes, based on his worthless study,
finding it easier to come to an understanding or conclusion,
to some of the madness associated with a crack addict but,

COME ON NOW, let's get real already huh...

Lending your car out, waiting hours or days,
to get your car back, which may never happen,
Having distinguished between...car = crack...no car = no crack
has NOTHING to do with a diminished brain capacity
to attach or distinguish value BECAUSE OF smoking crack.

Having at least 14 cars stolen, after loaning them out,
OBVIOUSLY having learned SQUAT, 14 cars later....
has NOTHING to do with a diminished brain capacity
to attach or distinguish value BECAUSE OF smoking crack.

Picking up your check at 7 am Friday,
and smoking it all by Fridays end...
has NOTHING to do with a diminished brain capacity
to attach or distinguish value BECAUSE OF smoking crack.

Selling your body for crack...
has NOTHING to do with a diminished brain capacity
to attach or distinguish value BECAUSE OF smoking crack.

Pawning every and any valuable, for crack money...
has NOTHING to do with a diminished brain capacity
to attach or distinguish value BECAUSE OF smoking crack.

Stealing from someone that trusts you....
has NOTHING to do with a diminished brain capacity
to attach or distinguish value BECAUSE OF smoking crack.

Being an inactive member of your family unit, no longer engaged in
your spouse, your children, other family members or close friends...
has NOTHING to do with a diminished brain capacity
to attach or distinguish value BECAUSE OF smoking crack.

Lying and manipulating those who love you...
has NOTHING to do with a diminished brain capacity
to attach or distinguish value BECAUSE OF smoking crack.

The madness is NOT BECAUSE OF crack...it is FOR crack
the extremes one is willing to go through, for crack,
and the loved ones that are sacrificed, for crack.

It is what it is...

An addict doesn't care...
cause they just don't want to care..or
they just don't have to care.

An addict is not void of values...
They place value in themselves and what they want to do

If there is to be any merit placed on this study,
then what is the explanation or reasoning for people
who choose recovery and sobriety, if crack diminishes
the brain's capacity to attach value or distinguish value.

What can be attributed to seeking sobriety/recovery,
other then, the truth of the matter..like...starting to care
or having to start caring...IF you care enough, as in my situation.

When my father died, it was now ALL on me.
the $700 dollar monthly rent, food, the phone,
the lights, the cable, toiletries, cleaning supplies,
the cost of using washer & dryer..other expenses.

The thing was...it WASN'T just me...there was Jacob.

I didn't have to care but I do care enough that,
I had to start caring, I needed to start caring about
whether or not I was going to continue using,
Knowing very well, I couldn't maintain my habit and provide for us

Smoking crack does not make you f-ing brain dead...
We realize the wake of our path during addiction,
WE DON'T F-ING CARE OR DON'T HAVE TO CARE ENOUGH TO STOP
..That's it..plain and simple...bottom line

pause4poetry wrote:

My experience .... Let's look at it,
he can't stay here, and it very limited while living with his Mom,
and his Dad always rides him making him feel less of a man.

So, as far as Darell goes Michelle...
maybe he's finally starting to care,
because he's finally having to decide,
whether or not he needs to start caring.

And it's very EASY to have to start caring,
when your system of enablers have put the brakes on...

Knowing, there isn't someone else,
taking care of the rest anymore.

Not like it used to be...

Someone else is putting a roof over your head,
where you come and go as you please.
someone else is paying the bills,
someone else will buy your cigarettes,
someone else will fill your tank,
someone else is putting food on the table,
someone else is coughing up their dough when yours run out
someone else is making it to work if your not

someone else is helping the addict to use in a capacity
which is void of seemingly caring about things most would
BECAUSE THEY DON'T HAVE TO CARE WHEN SOMEONE ELSE IS CARING FOR THEM

When other people stop enabling...stop caring...
THEN addicts are forced to decide whether or not to...

buy some sh!t or buy gas
buy some sh!t or pay the rent
buy some sh!t or eat
buy some sh!t or have my smokes
buy some sh!t or buy x mas presents
buy some sh!t or get my hair cut
buy some sh!t or keep the phone turned on
buy some sh!t or keep the electricity turned on
buy some sh!t or keep the gas turned on
buy some sh!t or be with the people I love.

There is nothing more or nothing less concerning an addict.
It is what it is...They want to use, or their willing to stop...THAT'S IT

Bill(40)...you can search and search and search the world over
Until YOU decide you are done...you won't be.

You can pluck your eye out, get castrated, use salt peter
have Shelly Winters eating fig newtons embedded in your mind
and whatever else you want to do that you think
will keep you from using or help you to quit...

But, until you DECIDE you want sobriety enough
that you are WILLING to work recovery...you will remain using...
still trying to make sense of it all...
still searching for an answer...

Where the only place to find your answer,
lies with you and you alone!

Peace & Love,
Lynn

keepitreal · Helping Hand IV

bill40 wrote:

i truly hate what this drug allows us to do, because it invariably involves a loved one to bail us out in some fashion.

Here...how 'bout we try this

I truly hate what I allow myself to do for this drug,
but invariably, a loved one bails me out in some fashion

bill40 · Helping Hand I

Quote:

But, until you DECIDE you want sobriety enough
that you are WILLING to work recovery...you will remain using...
still trying to make sense of it all...
still searching for an answer...

Lynn:

As always, i appreciate your comments, when you speak of willing to work recovery, what do you mean? 12 steps? willing to do what?

willing to stop, forgive me but this sound a little like "just say no"

do i have the credentials to say that my actions indicate that i have been willing?, well i am sure others have done more, but i have been to
3 outpatients and 2 inpatients and a halfway house in buttfuck WI for starters, thrown in a.a. n.a. s.a s.aa. - therapists, group therapy,
accupuncture, hypnosis, mediative retreats, cranal sacral therapy,
colonic irrigation, and of course lets not the many religious forays.

Perhaps the fact that i still choose to share myself here, at times, in a humorous(questionable), self deprecating way, does not mean i am not trying to find a better way to live, if i chose words that seem to shield me from the responsibility, well it is not a deliberate attempt to decieve,...

i am here to find solutions, i am here as an example, a cautionary tale,

am i a "silly goose" at times?, well, this is my life not my job, and i write what i feel (sound familar) at this site i am willing to admit to embarrasing facts like my sexual past or living situation. which is something i was never willing to do with the general public.

Am I willing to go to 90 meeting in 90 days? well you have me on that, i am not willing, I am also not willing to join scientology cult, not because of anything but It just doesn't work for me... chaining myself in a basement for ninety days would also keep me clean, but how do I pass that on? Does it answer any questions about why?

I feel that the probing and information exchange here on the site has to account for something. the way addictions are treated today will be someday look upon the same way we look upon leeches and bloodletting, so why not explore,dig, ask, listen and hope for something that takes, works and can be passed on.

If you believe in the concept of the twelve steps, you believe in the disease model of addiction, so why would you not start with the brain, since it is the most important determinant in action. I am willing to look at, and share anything that might lead to further discussion or thought. quacks? i am sure there are many, but not to look further than the big book is not an option for me.

i am sure my text is ripe with pull quotes, but i am writing without editing. I just think the one thing that i have done consistently is to return to a posture of WILLPOWER, which is not consistent option for anyone's recovery. I get the feeling you are saying willing, in the same vein that family members say, willpower to go back to thinking it is a lack of desire, willpower is not helpful,,,, you yourself know how fragile sobriety is with anger, resentment, hurt, lack of joy.

you hold any trump card, because you are clean and i am not, but a person who keeps picking his miserable sorry self of the ground is either punch drunk or willing, willing to try again.

So, i am not unwilling to work recovery, i am just trying to figure out what that recovery looks like for me, yes even after all these years, and all those attempts, I have the willingness, I am not trying to find an easier softer way, just one that works, for me.

There is nothing easier and softer, at least physically, about having accupuncture needles inserted between your toes while a colonic irrigation tube gets up close and personal.

I think i am willing.

keepitreal · Helping Hand IV

bill40 wrote:

keepitreal wrote:

But, until you DECIDE you want sobriety enough
that you are WILLING to work recovery...you will remain using...
still trying to make sense of it all...
still searching for an answer...

when you speak of willing to work recovery, what do you mean? 12 steps?

Nope

bill40 wrote:

willing to do what?...willing to stop,

Yep

bill40 wrote:

forgive me but this sound a little like "just say no"

Exactly

bill40 wrote:

do i have the credentials to say that my actions indicate that i have been willing?,

3 outpatients and 2 inpatients and a halfway house in buttfuck WI for starters,
thrown in a.a. n.a. s.a s.aa. - therapists, group therapy,
accupuncture, hypnosis, mediative retreats, cranal sacral therapy,
colonic irrigation, and of course lets not the many religious forays.

I'm sure your not suggesting your *incurable*

Your credentials speak for your efforts,
lending credence to the fact, you have a desire to stop using...

But, your credentials are not able
to cure you nor should that be assumed
they can assist you and support you...

They can not do for you nor ensure that you do
what is necessary, that only you can decide to do.

They can not make you say no to crack
They can not stop you from calling a dealer
They can not prevent you from associating w/ other users
They can not snatch your pipe, before it reaches your lips.

Your efforts may lend credence to a desire to stop using...
But, your actions indicate you are not willing to just say no
(actions = using) (credentials refers to each individual facility/method listed)

bill40 wrote:

Perhaps the fact that i still choose to share myself here, at times, in a humorous(questionable), self deprecating way, does not mean i am not trying to find a better way to live, if i chose words that seem to shield me from the responsibility, well it is not a deliberate attempt to deceive,...

I wouldn't want it any other way...
I'm happy your back at home posting!
I enjoy your posts and look forward to *hearing* from you again,
Your posts are worded in a manner, all of your own...
even Flaggin has mentioned this

I never thought you weren't looking for a better way to live
nor, have you ever attempted to shield yourself with deceptive words

bill40 wrote:

i am here to find solutions,

Pumpkin...solutions to what?

bill40 wrote:

i am here as an example, a cautionary tale,

An example of what..An addict who will not apply
the only solution there is, to free themselves from crack.

bill40 wrote:

chaining myself in a basement for ninety days would also keep me clean, but how do I pass that on?
Does it answer any questions about why?

Just saying NO would keep you clean too

I don't understand...
What are you looking to pass on?...
The very thing, you keep passing on?
Why? what...what questions do you need answers to?

bill40 wrote:

I feel that the probing and information exchange here on the site has to account for something.

the way addictions are treated today.....

so why not explore, dig, ask, listen and hope for
something that takes, works and can be passed on.

Do you realize how much your complicating recovery?
How are addictions *treated* Bill?

Question..
Both of us have taken part in
an in patient and out patient, drug treatment program.

Can you say, you received some form of *treatment*?
I know I can't...that's why the word *treatment*
in drug *treatment* facility, misleads people.

treatment facilities are a stepping stone...
not a cure all nor a guarantee.

A way to remove yourself from your day to day routine,
your surroundings, your environment, other users you hang with
an opportunity to stay clean long enough, to clear your mind,
hopefully to make better choices and choose sobriety.

You refuse to take and embrace your only solution,
the same solution every addict in sobriety passes on,
because it's the only solution we can attest to that works

Just say no

bill40 wrote:

If you believe in the concept of the twelve steps,
you believe in the disease model of addiction

Nope, I do not

bill40 wrote:

so why would you not start with the brain,
since it is the most important determinant in action.

What the mind dwells on, the body acts on

bill40 wrote:

you yourself know how fragile sobriety is with anger, resentment, hurt, lack of joy.

You can not avoid or remove what is a part of life,
so, you can either learn how to deal with your emotions
or continue using them as an excuse to use.

bill40 wrote:

a person who keeps picking his miserable sorry self of the ground
is either punch drunk or willing, willing to try again.

Be willing to do what is necessary

bill40 wrote:

after all these years, and all those attempts, I have the willingness,
I am not trying to find an easier softer way, just one that works, for me.

There's only one way that works...
the same method for every addict in sobriety..
JUST SAY NO

bill40 wrote:

I think i am willing.

I think you choose to believe that.

Peace & Love Pumpkin, Big Kiss

Lynn

lucyb · Helping Hand I

Bill-I have benefited greatly, as you know, from all that you have shared with me. The things you have told me are always helpful. You have researched and read so many things and have generously passed this information on. I again want to ask you to not edit anything you write for fear that you would take out something that can make a difference. I continue to hope that you will find the circumstance/situation/need that will make you choose to stop using.

All in all, no matter how we write about it, read about it, or live through it, bottom line is pretty simple - CRACK IS BAD-DON'T USE IT.

And Lynn, how is Jacob doing? Hope he is staying healthy and looking forward to your upcoming trip.

Admin · Site Admin

Two days ago I received a phone call. Ex wife of my friend told me a bad news. This friend of mine, I knew him for at least 20 years, was an opiate addict since 14 y/o. He used to be a "smart addict". His dose was the same for the last 20 years. When he felt that this dose wasn't enough, he lowers the dose for one week or so, than came back to the same dose. The bad news was he put a bullet through his head. He would be 44 this year...
Official version is: he was playing Russian roulette.
Bill you are also playing Russian roulette with your life. Have you ever think that next time could be your last time? You are an intelligent man, do some research why cocaine is not used as a local anaesthetic anymore.

pause4poetry · Moderator

Pause4poetry wrote:

Quote:

I see it, I accept it as part of the addiction, and
you just made understanding it easier.

To me it just better explains one of the things that I recongnized in myself, and the trials and heartaches of loving someone in addiction.... I thought the way it was stated was stated in a way that could help others like me, understand that it has very little to do with us, but has very much to do with the addiction. We are not the cause, nor the reason, but the addiction itself has the user's priorities set that their is lesser value placed on relationships, reasponsabilities, what most would consider PRIORITY to be taken over by the feeling on needing to use .... I know my mind can work in a complex manner at times, but this works for me not to taking the totally disregard and addict can seem to have on a personally level that leaves me feeling more vunerable then my loved one's addiction issues had already made me feel. You have to start picking up your own self and pieces at some point, realizing that it os a part of the disease is a good opening to start.

Lynn Wrote:

Quote:

What..everyone who seems unable to
attach value or distinguish value is either
snorting coke, shooting coke or particularly, smoking crack?

No not necessarily ... that would be unreasonable thinking ....

Quote:

What you value is what you think about.
What you think about is what you become.
~Joel Weldon~

Good Quote ..

Lynn Wrote:

Quote:

So, as far as Darell goes Michelle...
maybe he's finally starting to care,
because he's finally having to decide,
whether or not he needs to start caring.

And it's very EASY to have to start caring,
when your system of enablers have put the brakes on...

Knowing, there isn't someone else,
taking care of the rest anymore.

Not like it used to be...

I totally agree. Him having to feel the adverse effect, and him finally waking up to the cause and effects of his own choices and actions, something that he never truly took the time to consider, loosing his ability to smooth things over and move along using in a comfortable manner, without any consequences....

I can guarantee you that had I not set boundaries, had I not stopped enabling, and I failed to stand up for the value of my future, I would still be enabling, worrying and fretting, feeling that I am of not value, but in the sense of someone that has the unending ability to give and give of myself at the expense of my own self worth and emotional health, nor would I be on more solid ground with myself emotionally.

Lynn Wrote:

Quote:

The madness is NOT BECAUSE OF crack...it is FOR crack
the extremes one is willing to go through, for crack,
and the loved ones that are sacrificed, for crack.

It is what it is...

An addict doesn't care...
cause they just don't want to care..or
they just don't have to care.

An addict is not void of values...
They place value in themselves and what they want to do

Once again, I do agree. Lynn, you do have an ability of wording things straight and to the point, I give you that girl.

Quote:

When other people stop enabling...stop caring...
THEN addicts are forced to decide whether or not to...

I agree, all the points and examples that Lynn has listed above, moving from the enablers, back to where they rightfully belong, making the addict having to face the reality that his, or her life is not so great being chained to a drug that makes functioning as a useful member to him or herself, or society. Letting them consider that their addiction has become an enormous burden, especially when there is no ine their sadly picking up the pieces....

Bill40,

Like anyone else, you are the one that need to find that key that will work for YOU, your journey to sobriety.

Reading the forums on this site, I see varied reasons, and incentives for those that are seriously seeking sobriety. To this day, I can not tell you 100% for sure what has Darell reaching to find the pieces of himself and his life prior to addiction. Maybe one thing, maybe a combination of many things... but I know it all has to do with CHANGE. Change within himself.... changes in those around him.... his life had become so difficult, changes in his responsibilities to himself and perhaps others.... changes in his choices. Choices that no one can take away, or persuade without his willingness, his need, want and willingness to CHANGE. Do I know where he will end up in his recovery, certainly I do not, so here I am, a person no different then you, having to accept CHANGE within myself to continue moving in a forward direction that is healthful to me.

Sometimes, we try too hard (myself included) to over analyze our challenges, when we truly need to accept them in simple terms, to see it more clearly.... then act, as difficult as it may be according to the decisions we have made in our own best interest. I believe you are willing, and I hold great hope that you fill find that key within yourself that will make the difference, finding you on the exact path that you wish to embrace ...your freedom from addiction ....

Strength and Peace,

Michelle

Admin · Site Admin

I want to quote myself from the old forum:

Quote:

Most people don't know that cocaine is sudden killer. O, yeah , I know , I heard it hundreds of times: I am using it and I am alive, I know somebody, and s/he is using it for ten years and still alive. My answer: that somebody, who can argue with this statement, can’t do it for the oblivious reason, that somebody is not alive.
Get a grip, get alive, and be alive.

flaggin · Helping Hand III

oye vay, lynn,

you talk to much!

i just got home, i'm bagged. i don't really have the energy to be here, but, i want to say that i agree strongly with what you responded to bill-40, but...i totally believe i understand where he is coming from as well.

can it be true that, 'just saying no' is not enough.

i'm saying no, at this time, but i can still remember when saying 'no' was not enough, in spite of knowing all the facts and horrors. how much does anyone of us have to know or experience before we decide we've had enough.

personally i find as much courage and will power in bill-40 for continuing to fight his addiction and post here on the forum, as i do in you for quitting and myself for finally quitting.

what can anyone of us learn from another person here. i have learned as plenty from you lynn, who have been clean by whatever circumstance and have learned from bill-40's continuing use which has spanned years. more than anything else, my own love for the drug, made me so aware that i did not want to spend as many years as bill-40 has in this love hate relationship for the high.

if i'm not making any sense, you'll have to pardon me, i'm beat and my head is spinning to fast for me to keep up.

Quote:

Official version is: he was playing Russian roulette.
Bill you are also playing Russian roulette with your life. Have you ever think that next time could be your last time? You are an intelligent man, do some research why cocaine is not used as a local anaesthetic anymore.

you know bill-40, that is a conclusion i eventually came to realize, but i will admit, that even knowing that danger was always lurking, i don't think it was enough for me to stop.

who knows why anyone of us decide anything.

Quote:

When other people stop enabling...stop caring...
THEN addicts are forced to decide whether or not to...

this is probably quite true. i didn't have anyone enabling me. i was always on my own with this battle. the only person that could help ease the destruction was myself. maby i was lucky in that way, that i had no one around to help me continue with the bullsh*t of denial.

i'm done....

hey lynn,
how about a back rub.

and michelle,
could you sing me a lullaby?

bill-40,
you take care and keep on posting. i thoroughly enjoy your honesty.

and last but not least, i am doing quite well. life is getting back on track and i am honestly feeling good, in a real way.

later, bill

selfdefeated · Newbie

I have to say Lyn that I totally get where ur coming from. I did the 90 in 90 and tried the "cult like" environment of AA/NA. I found it disturbing and to be honest Ive met some of the most whacked out people in that environment. They might have been clean but I still found a large number of them to be really out there. For example at 1 meeting i sat there while this respected member of the local chapter lecture on the evils of drugs using masterbation as a metaphor!!! For over an hour!! AND EVERY1 WAS ABSORBING THIS TRASH WITH THESE BLANK STARES AND AGREEING!!!!

I like you lyn am not 100% clean right now. I have decided to quit doing blow again and feel much more committed to this as a permanent realization. Given my continued struggle i dont have a the solution, so turning away from AA is considered foolish to some. But I also know that I 2 refuse to believe that i broken and that every day i need to read a "bible" and attend meetings in order to repair my so called faulty inner wiring.

To me assigning that sort of self defintion within me is reason alone to drive me back 2 get high. I truely believe that there is a way to surpass this challenge in my life without power-steered derectioning from a book and chanting.

For Me the greater challenge is finding that solution within myself and my dtermination to end this chapter of my life and with it leave behind the associated "diseased victim" incapable of fully recovering. I continue to search for a solution i can embrace without absorbing into it as a in my opinion "brain wash" product....

oh and by the way bill crazy people in cults always think their right and that others who choose not to accept their methods just havent been "enlightened" yet. Give me a break. To me that is a form of insanity just as crazy as addiction.

selfdefeated · Newbie

ammending my last post... little unclear if my comment about AA was meant for BILL im new to using this thing. The statement about the insanity of AA was directed to whomever was pushing the 12 step/Big Book so intensly in the prior posts..

unforgiven2 · Tenant

You realize that people are different and some programs or ways to quit don't work for others. The brain is powerful and off base here Lynn I wish I knew before you knew so much about Logic, premises, conclusions, arguments, fallacies I could have used your help last month.

I have been putting together a mixture of psychology of motivation, philosophy, and hypnosis, along with tools used to address addiction mixed with some books pertaining to self help and retraining thoughts into a work sheet system for my sister. I been working hard as he|l on this but I will share a bit of thought here and that is why do some people continue to smoke ciggarettes knowing that it can cause cancer, heart problems and shorten a person’s life? he|l some of us read the message every day on the box but does that matter? (I am just using example) This is one habit I haven’t been able to break. Underline habit, habitual use, and habitual offender, prone to weakness. There are many addictions you are right and one thing I have come to see is that just like eating disorders, gambling addictions, and millions of other addictions and illnesses alike cause behaviors that can become habits. As long as these habits persist you build a resistance or tolerance and continue build on it. Eating more, drinking more, more need for stronger drugs or higher dosage. I am seeing that in a way maybe like in dieting and prescription meds lowering the dosage, eating less, whatever can help those who can’t just stop doing something cold turkey. Cutting back on the drug use as hard as that seems maybe can help. As I have read and am still questioning the difference in spending time in prison or away from the drugs for a time period and then getting out and using for the first time since being clean can cause immediate death.

Factor in emotional problems that were always there or surfaced because of the “illness” and you can see how some of us being in that position can become weaker in state of mind and strength. A person who is over weight diets fails, diets fails, diets fails and one can start to loose belief and strength of mind to over come. Being overweight is the number one danger to health, number two is smoking however you see how immediate change of lifestyle in many people doesn’t occur in one night but in order to get there some self esteem, self control, believing, loving and caring for oneself is necessary for motivation to change.

Change begins on the inside and as the inside begins to change then the outside can begin to as well. If a person thinks I can’t do it, I give up, I give in, I this or I that then of course your body is going to do what your brain signals to do that is if a person has a functional brain and is going through psychological decisions based on thought processes will be strong enough to do or not do some thing.

Maybe this short list can help someone

Keep a journal
Write out your emotional feelings
Write down ways to overcome those feelings
Focus on daily goals so that you don’t become overwhelmed
Goal is to make the best out of your day one day at a time.
Don’t look ahead except to visualize your success but focus all your energy on today’s goals then tomorrow focus on that day and so on.

Anyways I am getting enough talk in here to put anyone a sleep so I will stop but I give you much credit for continuing to never give up both Bills.