Other's Experiences and Observations

SecondChance · Resident

To the recovered crack addict who may be reading this, I am curious what did you experience deep down inside and emotionaly after one month clean?

To those like me who do no drugs but have been audience to their recovering loved one, what were your observations at one month clean from crack?

Just curious.

freedomisprecious · Forum Veteran

from the best memory can offer...

One month clean:

I was just being released from jail, on bond to go home and spend time recovering with my family. I was explained that if I were to go against any rules set by my parents that my bond would be revoked, because their land and home were at stake for the cost of my bond. I was insanely tired, and always hungry. I am not sure what month it was that I started to have out of this world nightmares, waking up in sweats crying, thinking I had a room full of stash at my parents house..and actually half asleep looking through drawers for my cocaine, and wondering where my pipe had fallin in my bed. That first night I had one of these dreams was the same night I woke around 5am and googled cocaine to stumble upon this site, and I gave it all I had. Which I highly doubt I would be here today if it were not for this site. That is me though. and this is where I learned to survive the nights, the days, and the fears. Writting is a passion and I was able to express it all while helping others to cope with the same issues I was having. Very important to my own sobriety and would recommend for any other.

I did not WANT to get high, but I thought about it quite often. I wondered why it had to stop, but was so extremely happy I had a chance to leave the place I had been. I chose to partake in much exersize and eating along with much sleep to go with it...I was 98lbs entering jail, and was not much of anything when I left. I needed health, I needed support, I needed life. I needed my family, I needed to be held and loved. I needed to be understood, I needed to talk and talk and talk some more. I was so confused sometimes, but finding answers from my confusion and doubts.

My parents would check on me at night to make sure I had'nt snuck out, I dont blame them one bit for having hardly any trust about my actions...they tried to trust my feelings and thoughts, but my actions would only speak over time.

For all of you with loved ones who are addicts trying to change I was extremely lucky to have a family that was willing to go through the trials and tribulations of recovery and all of its issues. They were willing to deal with my attitude changes, my tears for no reason, my constant need of sleep, my desire to stay up late hours of the night and type my heart out on this site,and drink tons of coffee in order to do so... especially when I would become excited about sharing some of my posts with them...and when I would tell them about some of the responses I would get from others about my posting..it became likely for me to up in the middle of the night when I could not sleep typing away. They were able to see I was actively interacting with other people who also needed the same help I did...This gave THEM hope to see I was willing and excited about getting the help I needed and sharing it with others. BIG STEP for me the unsociable, uncaring, ungrateful, selfish little drug head I had become in the past. I was beginning to make changes, and they could see the joy in my eyes from this opportunity I had. Thats when they realized how important my recovery became to me, and thats when the trust started to build. And bet we had some fall out times from then on...but I have yet to fall completely. And have learned so very much that I am so very grateful for. My family is a huge part of this, for them and this site...I would not be where I am today.

SecondChance · Resident

Wow Freedom. Amazing. Thank you for responding. That's incredible. I will remember what I just read from your post. I am trying to learn as much as I can from begining to end. This knowlage you offered should help.

Again, I thank you.

Jenni · Helping Hand I

Freedom, I just wanted to say thank you for sharing everything you have been on these threads the last few days. You are saying things I need to hear. My b/f is in treatment now...and on the many threads you have been posting on in the last few days, you have given me a lot of food for thought. I tried to get my b/f to read on here once. He did look briefly and I think what he read was one of your posts. That was in December. Something you wrote on the Heartache thread really struck me, as what you have written here has also. I think you wer one of the first people i interacted with on this site...and I learned so much from you. Just wanted to say...thank you for continuiing to share and I'm glad to see you back again. Seems like you were gone for a while.

freedomisprecious · Forum Veteran

Your welcome. and thank you as well.

I have been off of the site for quite some time, with no excuse as to why, because I just cannot seem to get off of here now. I always wish to offer a new thought in ones mind regarding what we have all delt with or are dealing with here. I have missed this site, and all it has to offer and hope to keep up with all the new members and posts.

I think I felt that what I was going through needed to be handled immidiately, and outside of that paticular situation, trying to keep up with my job, sacrificing time and energy in order to guide a relationship in the right direction or preparing myself for it falling off of the deep end at any time (being I am also dealing with an addict).

I was full of complaint and agravations, confusions and worry...JUST regarding typical life daily issues.(to personal and minute for me to be expressing here)

OH, AND Im also 5-6 months pregnant. So any extra time I have had, has been spent sleeping, eating, or lounging. going to the doctors, I was in the hospital for a week on and off with other issues..with no desire to really dig into anything else. LOL. but all in all everything seems to be fine with me and the baby and I am looking forward to what is to come.

I would come here and read here and there...and always knew that with everything else on some sort of directional track, here is where my real medicine comes in, so as soon as I found the time again, here I found myself again.

I am glad to know your boyf is in treatment...if it has done any good for him, you will know when he returns. Treatment is not for everyone, and everyone is not for treatment. So when the two come together and find a way through, regardless of what an addict finds to help them,(treatment, programs, meetings, this site..etc) it always seems to have very benificial results to an addict and everyone they associate with.

For me, treatment was not because I was an addict I needed to go there...it was more like, Im bored, I have no where to go, Im stuck in the same town Ive always been in, with no friends other than the ones Ive used with, I have no job, and no desire for one, and hey why not take a pill here, or smoke a blunt there (knowing eventually I may look at crack again the same way as I had done before)...and the town was so small there was one meeting outside of town with maybe 4 old guys in it who had been alcoholics (not my choosing) and had been clean for like ever...I felt lost, and concerned for my growing ideas of bordom and trying to find a way to deal with them. So I thought treatment would be agreeable to all persons in my family, and I would get the he|l out of town. I was actually excited about a decision I was making other than the one to say no to crack I COULD FEEL INSIDE PROGRESS BEING MADE which meant the world to me...

Not to mention, Im sure it really helped my court case facing a year in prison, for the judge probably would have thrown me in treatment on HIS terms and not mine...so I figured why not go ahead and get it over with by choice!!

When an addict makes choices on their own that excel their own lives, they are the ones who get to take credit for that (such as giving 'the program' credit for my sobriety has never been anything close to my thoughts, but thats just me and if it works for someone else, go for it!!) and how much better can it get other than knowing you made your own choice to stand back and take another look at something and change the things about it that you did not desire to be a part of anymore!?? It made me feel strong and important, like I actually had control again, and that I would have a chance at standing in the doomingly low sucess rate of recovering crack addicts versus NON.

Upon entering treatment (28 day inpatient) I thought, oh Im good now, I can help all these people in here that reeeaaallly need it. lmao. I forgot I was one of them. It was like a slap in the face, walking in to a beautiful rehab, being so excited and intrested in being there, and I find hopeless, sad, angry people. I couldnt make sense of it. By the end of term there, I made complete sense of it, because all of these people were happy, new, freed, joyed people who were coping and doing normal people things again. And I had been broken down so far, I was thrilled to know I had released so much in so little time. WE WERE ALL MAKING PROGRESS. AND SOME WERE BEING FORCED TO DO SO, but I do not think you can hide it, just because you thought you did not want it. The best thing I learned in rehab was the techniques for keeping your mind free from using thoughts for too long. Like the 15 seconds your brain has to change a thought, or after that 15 seconds and the chance of that thought being changed into something else decreases. So with in 15 seconds of ever (even now) thinking or running across drug thoughts or emotions I think of ANYTHING ELSE in the entire world to stray me from that thought. I mean, the color of the walls around me, or the sounds from the highway outside of my house...things that change my senses, and make me laugh that I am actually thinking about the pizza in the fridge that sounds really good. Today, I use Lord as my 15 seconds....I just say take it away, take it away, take it away..until its gone. That works wonders for me. Just like this site does.

Now for the truth of the matter...I know for a fact that one other besides me out of 20 people in the facility with us are clean today, living sucessfully clean lives. I have heard many other stories and talked to a few that did not make it very far and are right back where they started. I would say it would be a blessing to know that 5/20 made it without resorting back to old ways...I wish I could say differently. Such is not the case. Just shows how dangerous and progressive addiction is. But for me and the other guy who I speak to regularly, just shows how when your done, your done..and you will find any way to keep it that way..as long as you possibly can and the life that flourishes from that, is nothing short of amazing.

freedomisprecious~~