I just can't stop my emotions, my 18 year old daughter has been doing cocaine for at least the last 8 months. Her life and ours has turned upside down. She soooo desperately wanted to have friends and fit in after being bullied her entire school life, that she attached herself to a 26year old cocaine addict. It started innocently enough, by her babysitting this gal's 4 year old son. Now, my daughter has moved out of our house and claims to HATE me and wants nothing to do with our previously very close family and extended family. She has been living a "party" life with her "friend" and her friends who are all at least 8 years older than my daughter. I literally can't make it through even one day without sobbing and my head is constantly swirling with all these horrible thoughts of what's happening right now to my daughter and what her futrure holds. My daughter has given up everything positive in her life to be with this friend. She has been fired from her job, has made no effort to get other work, has left behind her younger sister who she adored and her dog that she begged for her whole life. Helppppp !!!!
Sadmom is new to the site and wasn't sure how to get on forum, so with her permission I posted her journal entry on here.
Sadmom-I think you will get a lot of support and encouragement here. Just please be sure to read and read, learn about cocaine addiction and cocaine addicts.
You have come to a great place for information and support. Lucy is right. Read read read. The more you understand about cocaine and addiction, the more prepared you will feel to deal with this. It is a process, so be patient with yourself...and take comfort in knowing that here you have the ear of people who truly understand what you are going through. My thoughts and prayers are with you, your family and your daughter.
I am glad I found this website, I for sure need a listening ear and even somewhere to vent about the totally insanity of my current life situation. I am reluctant to talk about a lot of this stuff to friends who have highly functioning and high achieving kids and I shudder when I run into other parents who ask how and what my daughter is doing. I have to admit there have been many times recently that I have felt like a complete failure as a parent. I have had a tendency to ?/|\ up in my house and wallow in my own self pity. I also am actually feeling a little worse about this situation after reading some of the info regarding addiction to cocaine and other drugs. I'm feeling like this situation may be affecting our lives forever, and I'm feeling quite hopeless right now, it just seems like it is going to be a downward spiral into something that is going to be almost impossible to recover from.
sadmom-
It is difficult to see others who are your children's age and who appear to be functioning and succeeding the the world when your own child is having so many problems.
Your daughter's use is not a result of your parenting techniques. Its hard to believe this and you can haunt yourself forever with the "what if's", but it truly isn't your fault. I know what you are feeling, and even if you don't believe it just try to take some peace in it and maybe one day that will sink in.
Its easy to drown in self pity, its easy to stay home and not tell anyone about what is going on, its easy to cry all day and not accomplish anything. But what good will that do you? And what good does that do your daughters and your husband?
This situation WILL affect your lives forever, but you can direct how it will affect your lives.
What can you do to help your daughter? Will she talk to you at all about what is going on in her life? Is she living at home for any portion of the time? Are you financially supporting her in any way?
Time and opportunity lead to use. If she has the free time and if she has the money she will use. If you can take either away it may help.
Read and learn about enabling and make sure that you are not doing anything to enable continued drug use.
You have others, including yourself, who need you, so take care of yourself.
Talk to a friend. Work on your own recovery.
Lucy is right. You need to take care of yourself. I think we all are devestated and feeling horrible when we initially find out about our addicted loved one's addiction..and when we start reading all the dismal things there are to read about it...but it is education and you need to read it to understand what is happening in your daughter's life and your own. So read it and decide how you will use the information to protect yourself and other family members, minimize any enabling and support your addicted daughter.
None of us asked for this life, including your daughter. I'm sure she did not set out to become an addict....and addiction to cocaine can happen with one use. There is hope. Have faith. You are not alone.
I think at one time or another, most of the people on this site who have an addicted loved one have kept it from close and trusted friends, or isolated ourselves because we didn't feel that others would understand or know how to be supportive. We need to maintain our relationships though....it is important for our health and sanity. Sometimes confiding in just one friend who is really trusted can help. If you are not there, or don't feel you have anyone in your life that fits the bill, then we are always here for you. 24/7, thanks to Gene, the site administrator.
I think when I found out...I was in such shock, I did tell a few very close friends. Their main concern was of course me. They had difficulty understanding why I couldn't/wouldn't let go of a boyfriend who was an addict and who had hurt me. I explained to them that I love him...and it is so counterintuitive just to turn your back and forget about someone that you love when they are hurting and in trouble. Would you do that to someone with cancer? That helped them to understand. Your situation is a bit different...it is your daughter...but you are not alone. Many families are affected by addiction...and many families keep it a secret. It is easy to look in from the outside and think that everything is perfect and that other people are doing so well. Looks can be deceiving. Even people who appear to be successful can be addicts. The question is how long can they maintain their success in active addiction. Eventually something has to give.
My thoughts and prayers are with you. Educate and take care of yourself....and your family. Share what you learn. The more you can maintain open communication the better.
sadmom;
i am a mom as well, thank goodness my boys are still too young for this, but i can only begin to imagine how you feel. it is very difficult to watch someone you love destroy themselves within the scopes of addiction. please remember that you didn't cause this to happen; you can't cure it, and you can't control it. please remember that you are NOT alone -- you don't have to hide and deal with this alone. there are so many people out there struggling with addiction and many more people out there loving those same addicts.
Quote:
Many families are affected by addiction...and many families keep it a secret. It is easy to look in from the outside and think that everything is perfect and that other people are doing so well. Looks can be deceiving. Even people who appear to be successful can be addicts.
my b/f worked for years in a community centre, running anti-drug programs for teens; all while being a multiple, actively using addict. although he didn't actually lose his job because of his drug use; he got into other kinds of situations because of it. he believes that his addiction was a secret; that was his delusion; other people knew; just noone knew how serious it was. he is still a 'functioning' addict.
please read what is posted on the site, feel free to vent, and keep coming back! finding this site has been so important to me that it rates up there with winning the lotto jackpot!
keeping you and yours in my thoughts and prayers. peace and love,
hopeseternal
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