Post subject: I need support and have tried over and over getting help
Hello,
I have been dealing with my daughter using drugs for nearly 20 years off and on. At the present time she will not have anything to do with me and it is getting the best of me.
I have depression and a feeling of hopelessness right now.
I was in denial for a long time about my daughter using is the only reason I can see that I haven't noticed it till she broke down 3 years ago and used ice for about 6 months. She was on ice so bad that I had to call the police on her because of her behavior, she was married at the time, her husband was in Iraq, she ended up living with a boy 10 years younger than her, she has two children they were 9 and 5 at the time. She had the kids and the boy living in her truck for a few months down by the coast. She came back up here and came to my house, when she came in she just started crying and saying she didn't feel loved by me and telling me people where following her everywhere she went. It came to a point that I had to call the police I was in fear for my grand kids. The police took a report from my daughter, the kids and then me, they more or less ordered me to call CPS and have my grand kids given to me for awhile. She stopped using, went through the 12 step by order of CPS but I think she's started back again.
I don't know if she's using ice again cause I've been told that she's done coke and highballs or eightballs?
What has brought me here tonight and a nightmare I had last night. I dreamt that she died and I am so scare not knowing how she's doing or how my grand kids or doing. She will not talk to me at all. I've tried and she'll having nothing to do with me, she will not let me see the grand kids.
It's been about a year and a half that she was divorced from the kids dad. The only way I seen the grand kid's was through him and now he's mad at me for not giving him money to buy another car after he wreaked his while drunk and driving to fast. So now I am cut off totally from the grand kids.
Lord knows I know I cannot stop either of them using or drinking but I am praying real hard right now for the Lords help, to help my daughter and grand kids.
That nightmare left me so scared I don't know if I can handle it if it came true, if I lost my daughter it would be the end of me. I would lose my mind I cannot handle that kind of loss.
I am married but he's not her father, it has not been easy on our marriage going through all the ups and downs dealing with this problem.
_________________ Your Admin, Gene. -=People who ask our advice almost never take it. Yet we should never refuse to give it, upon request, for it often helps us to see our own way more clearly. =-
You are by far not alone here. With your grandchildren, I am sorry. I find no peace in someone taking away a loved one, from someone that loves them dearly and treats them like they deserve to be treated...although it happens daily around the world, and such a control factor on the person who chooses to take this from another. We as humans should not have that capability, and because we do, there will always and forever be someone somewhere who is going to abuse this matter to a higher extent than the last person.
He wants a car, and thinks he is going to get it by taking away your dearest of hearts...life does not work this way, and anyone who believes it does, in my eyes should not have custody of a child regardless. You do not "punish" or scold or prove points by using other people, helpless little people at that to convey such a point. IF we are sucessful in this, who knows what the next demand will be of us just to see the ones we love.
According to Gene, there is not much option for you regarding custody or visitation of your grandchildren..but you do have the continuation of love for them regardless, you are their grandmother and they love you none the less...take care of yourself so when they ARE old enough to make their own decisions you can be there for that. Send them birthday cards, write them letters, call to talk, keep in contact to the best of your ability...so they remember who grandma is regardless of who decides to take them from you for now. As they grow, you need to grow from this also.
As for your daughter, you have done the best you can...and there is nothing more that you are capable of acomplishing with her other than to take care of yourself.
Hopelessness gets us nowhere spiritually, confidently, physically, emotionally...and beyond. Being robbed of hope, and not doing everything you can to get it back is of no assistance in your desire and wishes for her either. What good is lost hope for those who do not even know where to look?? We have to be hopeful for them, pray for them because they are unwilling to go there themselves. And ask above to lead us exactly where we (and them) need to be in order to find this. Because alone, we are not making progress and alone, they do not even see the chance.
Finding hope comes from working on yourself to understand that YOU are not the one who can change or make any decisions for her, regarding herself, your grandkids, or her addiction.
Hope is not helping someone to dig a deeper ?/|\, hope is something within ourselves that allows us to live at more peace knowing there may be a chance for them, (realizing that they may not take it)... and in the meantime, the chance for ourselves in right in front of us.
Who are we to give up a chance to see hope in life, when someone elses chance has been taken for the time being them from them by an addiction??
I am an addict, who drove my family down a deep dark ?/|\ of debt, insanity, fear, loss of hope, lies, deciet, and all the emotions and physical drawbacks of addiction, that should not be, but surely is a part of many families lives today.
Once my family decided to cut ties, draw lines, and keep hope from a distance they started to gain from all they had lost within themselves, through and from my addiction. Not to mention the strength they had for me once I finally made the decision to put a halt to my he|l, because they had taken care of themselves in the meantime. They were able to guide, care, love, understand, hope, and find joy in my new found freedom.
If they had allowed their lives to become so wrecked from my choices, and not had attempted some form of recovery themselves, we would have had a large sum of misconception, and possibly drove each other farther away than we already were from the guilt, pain, anger, and hurt I had endured on them for some years. Instead, they were "better" enough to help me find my better being.
They stood strong whem my foundation was weak, they held me together through prayer when I was not listening.
There are so many here, who have stories either similar or on the opposite end of the spectrum. We are all different, yet so much alike, and we all offer great advice and experiences to back it up. We all come here to find hope, share experiences, help one another, and see through the dark times together so we can shed light on the person who is less fortunate.
I ***hope*** that you stick around, read through the forum, feel free to share, and gain as much as you can in this trying time in your life. The more knowledge you have of her addiction, the more you can understand why she is where she is, the more knowledge you have of yourself and your reactions and what you desire and do not, the more you can work to find freedom from the things that torture your heart.
I wish this for you and all here.
In my prayers,
freedom
_________________ ~what happens to a person is less significant than what happens within them~
Thank you for writing back. Digging into the old cob webs of my brain what's left of it LOL, I have health problems minor right now but with me taking care of my dad which I had just found out has prostate cancer and leaning how to deal with his health problems and what to do for him next has not helped me in the least. I find myself running out of steam and feel as though I can't go on anymore, I'm very tired but keep going on day by day which is all I can do.
My dream of my daughter dying just scared the crap out of me even though I haven't seen her in a year cause she wants nothing to do with me because I do stand my ground and will not let her run over me.
When she was here living with us she started stealing things and of course if I told her I knew she took it she'd get mad at me but the case is my husband had money in the ashtray of his truck and I told my daughter about it (not knowing she was using at this time again) it was more of complaining about my husband leaving money in the truck like that will next thing I know ONLY 20.00 dollars of 45.00 dollars was gone. I told her I knew she took it because I would not take it and my husband job parking lot is fenced in and if someone from work took it they'd not just take 20.00 dollars they'd take the whole thing.
I remember my daughter telling me how much better she felt when high. She self esteem is very low.
When her husband got the divorce she was beside herself I didn't know what to do for her and knew that wasn't much I could do it was up to her to go on with her life. She tried to make him jealous, knowing when he was coming to pick up the kids for his visitation she'd dress up and tell me she's going to act like she's going out.
It didn't last long cause he didn't by into it. He had enough of her. She had cheated on him so many times that he just couldn't take anymore and the break up with over her wanting to be with another man. In fact she now lives with this man. I do not care for the guy because we all know him. He was my daughters husbands best friend going back to first grade. Anyway He was arrested for drugs, theft, well a very long list of things that I don't know it all. He spent 7 years in prison and my daughter did go see him through the years taking my grand kids with her when she went.
I would not expect this guy into my house with open arms and it made my daughter mad that I didn't care for him.
My daughter came to me once right after the divorce and told me she was going to let her youngest the son go live with his father, she say this with a big smile on her face and I couldn't for the life of me understand how she could be happy to get rid of her own son.
Also when she was living with us at the time she gave her daughter a big birthday party but the next month she was out of work and spent all her money so she could not give her son a birthday party, I told her not to worry about it cause I would give him one he was 6 at the time. She told me not to give him a party cause she couldn't give him anything. I was so upset that she'd deny my grand son a birthday party that I did it anyway. All I did was get him a cake, ice cream and a few presents. I had it all setup for when he got home from school when he and his sister walked into the house both were happy my grand son was like WOW it's my birthday. He wanted to dig into the presents and get thing's going he called out to his mom to come on but she just stayed in the bathroom, he called out again but nothing then he walked into the room asking her didn't she want to come to his party and he had to ask this three or four times before she finally came to the door way and just stood there with a mad look on her face.
Lord how this hurts to see my grand kids treated badly.
If she can treat her own children badly then how can I even expect that she'd even care about me?
I cannot stop loving her as much as I've tried for nearly 20 years to help and then to stop helping not giving into her. To go on with my life, you can push it to the side but it comes back it's never gone.
Quote:
Admin: Unfortunately, you can not legally demand visitation rights, so I would suggest working something out between your daughter and you.
I know all to well of my rights what I can and cannot do, I've been going through this for nearly 20 years. Only way I can get the grandkids is if they gave them to me, if she ended up in jail or something happened to her.
The grand kids other grandmother passed away 4 years ago so I'm the only one left for them.
she wants nothing to do with me because I do stand my ground and will not let her run over me.
Maybe, some of your grounds also were wrong?
I do not see your daughter as an angel, however if she choose to stop all communications, should be a reason for that.
I don't know who started using kids as a bargaining chip.
Quote:
I am married but he's not her father, it has not been easy on our marriage going through all the ups and downs dealing with this problem.
I do not know how your marriage is influenced your relationships with your daughter.
_________________ Your Admin, Gene. -=People who ask our advice almost never take it. Yet we should never refuse to give it, upon request, for it often helps us to see our own way more clearly. =-
she wants nothing to do with me because I do stand my ground and will not let her run over me.
Maybe, some of your grounds also were wrong?
I do not see your daughter as an angel, however if she choose to stop all communications, should be a reason for that.
I don't know who started using kids as a bargaining chip.
Quote:
I am married but he's not her father, it has not been easy on our marriage going through all the ups and downs dealing with this problem.
I do not know how your marriage is influenced your relationships with your daughter.
Admin: I hope that you will read my letter more clearly because I don't think your listening to what I've wrote.
I said that the police made me call CPS and I was awarded custody of the grand kids back in 2004 when my daughter was using ice.
My daughter will not listen to me because she does not like me plan as the nose on my face. Why she does not like me I do not know she's never really told me other than to tell me I'm boring and that she hates the whole family. When she was 13 that's all I heard from her was that she was bored and I came to hate that word. Not her but the word bored means she's wanting to do something fun and fun was not affordable for a mom raising two kids with no support from their father.
Reason for my daughter not to talk to me is because she knows I will not stand by and watch her abuse my grand kids and her use drugs.
A year and a half ago my daughter went to my uncle her great uncle and asked for 3000.00 dollars of course he does not hand out that kind money, so she went to her grandfather for the money and he turned her down too. This made her so mad because her grandfather said that he'd heard that she was with an ex-con and the only person who could have told him was my sister so my daughter drove over to her aunts house to beat her up. Thankfully my sister was not home, so my daughter called and left a nasty message on her voice mail.
My grounds have been and always will be no drug use in my home. She's known this for a long time.
When my daughter was pregnant with my grand son she, her husband and my grand daughter came to live with me. I was not able to afford to support all of them on my salary easily but did it trying to help them get back on their feet. At the time my son in law wasn't sure that my grand daughter was his child and I noticed him taking it out on my 4 year old grand daughter, he would pick on her and she would ask him to stop but he would not he kept on till he made her cry. She was only 4 years old, Well, I took him to the side and told him that if he didn't think the child was his he could get a test done but by no means was I going to stand by and watch him pick on her and make her cry.
It wasn't long after that that I noticed he was acting funny and my son who worked with my son in law told me that my son in law was doing coke. Then a few days later when my son in law came home and started right in picking on my grand daughter that my daughter took me into the bathroom and told me that my son in law was doing coke. I told her that I would not stand for it and I told her that he was not welcomed in my home and I went out to him and told him he had to leave and why he was leaving.
I had to buy everything for my new born grand son because they could not afford to get him a bed, clothes, bottles ect. To do this I redid my w-2 claiming more dependents than I had thinking I would be ok and break even being only 6 months. Boy, was I wrong I ended up having to pay in, I never told my kids this I did not ask for them to pay me back.
My daughter went back to her husband and he went into the Army, they did not have a car so on the weekends I would drive 300 miles one way to take them around on errands. They seemed to be trying to get it all together, so I was glad to help out were I could.
I've done all I could and then some.
As for writing my grand kids a letter my daughter would not give it to them she'd throw it away and not let them know I sent them a letter or card or present.
Barbara-
Welcome to the site.
I am very sorry to hear about all the difficulty in your life.
I know you must worry terribly about your grandchildren, and I cannot imagine how difficult that is for you.
freedom's post was incredible, and freedom thank you for those wise words, I too needed to hear them and your timing is great.
Please re-read what freedome wrote barbara, please really read what she is saying. I myself have read her post 3 times and then once more out loud to my husband.
We, as parents and loved ones of addicts, are not responsible for the choices they make in their lives. Altho many decisions and actions they do are destructive, we must decide to what degree these will impact our own lives. This is the really hard part for us. We can still hold on to the hope that they will be healthy again, but we cannot allow this to dictate our own lives and our own hopes and our own health.
By allowing the consequences of our loved ones' addictions to keep negatively influencing our own lives we are in a way becoming as addicted as they are.
Your situation is difficult because of your grandchildren. Perhaps there is a way you can contact social services in her area and tell them of your dilemma and see if there is any way to find out the welfare of the kids to make sure all is well and their environment is safe. I wish I knew more about these matters, but unfortunately I don't.
If you think they are in a potentially dangerous environment then I think it would be reasonable to inquire into this, but only for their sake.
Although at this point in your daughter's life she is choosing not to involve you in it may be painful, she is an adult and there isn't much you can do about that.
You should try to enrich you life in other ways.
You may find that by letting her go and instead enjoying your life that you may find some peace.
And you can certainly continue to try to rebuild your relationship with her but not in a forceful way, and let her know you would welcome any contact with her.
You have done a lot for your daughter and her family, and I'm sure those acts were out of love and kindness. Accept that what you have done was an act of motherly love for her, and don't feel resentment toward doing things that may sometimes seem to be unappreciated. The job of a mother may sometimes seem to be a thankless and unappreciated one, but you may find that is often really not the case.
Lucy, Thank you for your kindness.
If I could contact someone to check out the grand kids I would but the only way to do that is to make a claim that they are being abused and with not knowing just what is going on for sure I don't want to kids taken away from her, she has had three reports over 12 years and one more report they'll take the kids away for good.If I knew for sure I'd do something but I'd have to have proof, what if I was wrong, I'd hate to tear them apart if she's not doing anything. I'm just going by what has taken place in the past, her actions, behavior.
What had me so down the other day was having the awful dream of my daughter dying, the dream was so real that when I woke up I cried for hours and was feeling so sad and fearful that it could happen and I love my kids so much that I just don't know if I'd make it if one died.
My daughters problems go back to a very young age, When she was 5 we had a puppy that died and she did not take it well at all and it seem from that day on she did not want to ever feel that hurt again and put up a protective shield.
I too had problems in my life growing up, I married at 17, had my son at 18, then my daughter at 19 they are only 15 months apart. I ended up divorcing the father when my daughter was 7 months old. Reason I divorced their father is because he was abusive, once he killed a dog because I was not home when he got home from work, I had gone with my grandparents to the mall, they had pictures of my son taken with Santa. He would not let me have any money, he would only buy groceries every two weeks and if we ran out it was to bad. The only way I made it was to save the pennies he'd throw on the coffee table. So when we were out of food I'd roll up the pennies and go get food for my son and I.
But I grew up with a very dysfunctional family that I think some might have come through the way I raised my kids, altho not as bad as what happened when I was growing up. Both my parents were addicts, dad drank for 5 or 6 years and took prescription drugs, my mom was on prescription drugs, mom and dad divorced when I was 12. My mother tried to get me to go to bed with her boyfriends and when she married for the third time I was pregnant with my daughter when she kept begging me to go to bed with her husband, this made me sick and I ended up not having anything to do with my mom. I haven't talked to her or seen her in years.
I vowed I would never do that to my own kids and I stuck to it.
Also being a single mom I dedicated my life to my kids, I don't know if it was right or wrong, I wanted to give to them what I didn't have and that was a parent that was always there for them. I tried a few times to have a relationship with a man and it didn't take long till the guy was being abusive either to me or the kids or both so I gave up. I stayed single for 20 years before I met my present husband, he is a very good man and has gone through a lot with me and my daughter.
I moved but to Colorado when the kids were 9 and 10 and their father was living there at the time, he started coming around seeing the kids some and I was happy that the kids was able to have a relationship with their dad then came the day that their dad told our son that he does not love him so that was it I was not going to let my son go through this abuse. I told the father that he is not to abuse my son again, of course he got mad and never came back to see the kids again. I felt that I did the only thing I could do to protect my son from being abused.
My daughter wanted to find her dad this was a few years ago when she was 26 and when she found out his phone hummer she gave him a call but did not get from him what she was hoping for. He told her he did not want anything to do with her or her brother and not to call again. Oh but of course the first words out of his mouth was you didn't want the back child support do you, like that's going to make up for the loss of a fathers love. When they told me that they found their dad I was so sad for them to go through the rejection from him.
Of course this is not the whole story if I told it all I'd have to write a book but this may give you and others insight to where I'm coming from.
I'm far from prefect but I tried my best to give the best I could to my kids. My son is doing good, works at a hospital and loves what he's doing. He's even talking about going to school to be a nurse.
I wish for prayers for my daughter that she will be ok and gets help.
i read your posts and your story just rips at my heart. Barbara -- you are one exceptionally strong woman; don't ever doubt that and it is evident through your words that you love your children more than life itself. that is the sign of a MOTHER and that is just who you are.
i'm so sorry that you worry so much about your grandkids and their mom. it's a shame that you can't have contact with them; i know you love them very much. it is very difficult to watch someone we love slowly destroy themselves by using drugs. my b/f is a decades-long addict; still in active addiction -- i just can't imagine watching my child doing the same thing. my thoughts and prayers are with you and your family. i am glad you have a good husband who understands your love for your children and grandchildren and who is there to support you.
remember that through all of this you must continue to live your life and focus on yourself and your marriage. you have to realize that: 1. you didn't cause her addiction, 2. you can't cure it, and 3. you can't control it. you need to be healthy and whole, to be there to support your daughter whenever she will be ready and asks for it; as well as for your grandkids. please don't let all of this stress consume you and your life. you still have a son who needs you as well.
Dear barbara55,
I dont know what the laws are in the u.s,but here in canada grandparents can fight for visitation to their grandchildren if the parents will not let them see them.I think this was put in to place because there was so many couples breaking up and the grandparents would not see their grandbabys if the mother chose to not let them because she was mad at the father for some reason.Sometimes I worry that if my son and his woman break up that she will pull that on me,but I will fight her in court if that ever happens.I can only think that you must be going through pure he|l.My thoughts are with you and I hope that your daughter will realize that she is only hurting the children.
Hugs Diane
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