This blog entry is being moved to forum per request of dadataloss:
My son is breaking my heart Jun-12-2007
As I sit here for the first time writing in this blog, I worry over my 20 year old son who has addicted to cocaine. He won't admit it to me, but all of his friends are telling me he is in big trouble. I want so badly to help this young man I would give my life for. We are so close, yet I fear, he will grow further away from me as he sinks deeper into this addiction. I want to help him desparately and I simply don't know how. He won't admit he has a problem and his life is falling apart in front of my eyes. No job, has been forced to live outside of our home (stealing from us). I'm at my wits end. Please someone give me direction. How do I get through to him? What do I do?
As sad as this is true, the best advice I can give you is to ask yourself how you will get through this rather than how do you get through to him.
Truth is, addicts do not change, until the time comes they have had enough. And sometimes we will ravish our entire lives before ever seeing that we may just not wish to be there anymore. No matter what you attempt to initiate, or force through his mind...chances are, it will only drive him further away from you. The greatest thing I could suggest towards him, is merely stating you are there to listen when he is ready to talk. Let him know you are willing, when he is. Ask him questions, and be ready for any type of answer. Do not give him money, and secure any valuables you have. Do not allow him to change your "NO's", to "OK's". Be firm in your rules, and yelling gets us, anyone, nowhere. Never hold things against him, guilt drives us farther away from loved ones, and closer to our depths. You need to know your boundries, as well as his. Let him know you love him, but do so from a distance and learn how to do this, without feeling guilty yourself for doing so.
I am 22, and I can tell you there is hope for any addict who is READY to leave their addiction, and at the same time there is hope for the suffering family member of the addict even when the addict is NOT ready to move away from their drug.
The more you know about addictions, the more you can understand what exactly is happening to your son. When I made the decision to change the direction of my life, at the age of 19, and came home to realize that my entire family knew so much about addictions, the facts behind them and the questions they had towards it...I was excited to talk and give them my feelings. I wanted them to know what it was like, and that I was always at chance of return, more so if I did not begin a steady routine of life changing events and roads to turn down. And they could conversate with me, without being scared, or freaked out...because they knew what it was that had me held down. They understood the basics, and actually wanted answers to the things they wondered regarding my personal addiction.
You son is nowhere at this time I have not been. I would come home to visit (aka:ask for money, steal money) and my parents would sit me down and say it was ok for me to come home, and that I needed to think about my life, and this and that...and about drugs and how I looked (at 100 pounds) and I would just smile and say "I'm ok mom, really...me and my (drug dealer) boyf are doing great, and yea we do stuff here and there but hey, what 18 year old doen'st?" I was joyous to pretend things were grand...when really it was way too obvious that I was headed for major ends. And would be on my way. There was no stopping me, or changing my mind, or making me think differently....UNTIL I DECIDED TO DO THIS MYSELF. Your son is no different, and he (and your family) are in my prayers.
Take care of yourself, you need to stay strong for him at a time in his life when he is incapable of doing so himself.
Your fears, questions, or just outright emotions are welcome here at any time. Feel free to use this forum for what it is worth.
_________________ ~what happens to a person is less significant than what happens within them~
First off, I want to say that I am so glad you are blogging your thoughts with your son and posting it. Not only are you able to gain feedback from those who have or are suffering similar problems, but you can look back, 2, 5, 10 years down the road and say to your son " Your addiction wasn't hurting just you. Everyone your soul touched was hurt as well. We were hurting right along with you."
I agree with FIP, be strong where your son is weak. Let him know your rules and boundaries in your home, and have them as your strength. If he comes home only looking for some cash, sit him down and say similar to FIP's parents, " You're welcome in this house, but if all you want is money for drugs, we can't give it to you. You need to think about how this is affecting you and those around you. I can't enable that."
For me, blogging to my aunt, who is in a similar situation as your son, has been my refuge. I tell her my deepest thoughts about her choices, and how they are affecting me. I tell her my fears, my foes and I am very frank with her. I am not of the mind that I will scare her away if I tell her " I hate you for what you have done to yourself. You aren't you anymore." I think if she reads that, then it is planted forever in her mind. If she won't admit it on the forefront, then there is always the words in her mind for later.
Be strong, my friend. If journaling helps you to take care of you, then do it. If listening to Enya somedays and Metallica others helps take care of you, then do it. Right now, you can't save your son if he doesn't want to be saved. So save yourself the time and take care of you. I guarantee that in if you don't do so now, in the future, there might not be any of you left to take care of. "It" (cocaine) is a horrible disease, and even if you aren't a user, you can be horribly affected by it.
Last edited by HeavilyBrokenNiece on June 15, 2007 - 07:03 PM; edited 1 time in total
We had an amazing trip! He let me pack the bags, let me examine his pockets, etc., and he took nothing with him. Over the three days he returned to his normal self... and on Sunday, we spent several hours talking about his addiction to cocaine and how he knew he needed to stop doing it. He still says he only does it on the weekends with friends, sometimes more, but on average. By the end of the weekend, he was stronger, clear headed, and back to who I know him to be. It is something I will look back on and remember for a very long time. We boated on the lake, fished, camped, and just hung out... Just he and I.
Since we have come back, he has stated he doesn't do coke anymore and that he has told his friends. But.....he has chosen to continue to hang out with those same friends that do it. He had to take a drug test for an employment screening for a job this week, and he took it without fear of passing, so that is encouraging...
I am very guarded with what he says to me since he has come back home though. he has gotten very good at lying. And while I feel good that we reconnected camping, I fear that at home, he is just telling me what I want to hear. The signs of him doing coke haven't returned, but I'm not stupid to think that he can do this alone (or he would have).
Good news is that he has agreed (somewhat reluctantly) to see an addiction counselor tonight with me. He has also agreed to attend NA meetings with me. Bad news... he still wants to smoke pot... but not do coke.. and we know that the two are connected..... so...
So we move along.. and his mom and I try to figure out the best approach. What is interesting with him is that sometimes the soft, understanding approach works... but sometimes, he reverts back to acting like a 12 year old and I have to pull out the "tough Dad" hat and tell him what to do.. and it works still!!! Amazing. I'll post again tomorrow and let everyone know how the counseling is went. I honestly am nervous about it, and unsure he will respond positively.
I'm also aprehensive with the weekend approaching. A lot of parties are taking place this weekend, and that means drugs and alcohol will be present... and that means.. he will be present there too. Grrr...........
Dear dad,
Glad to hear the lines of comunation are open and he can talk to you about his addiction.You are right to keep your gaurd up,as a addict i can tell you we do tell our love ones what they want to here.I wish you the best and hope it gets better for you and your son.
Hugs Diane
Well, I came home from work this evening to go with my son to the addiction counselor, to find he wasn't home. He finally text messaged me on my cell phone to tell me he wouldn't be able to make it. My wife and I went anyway, and just as we were finished with the counselor, he showed up. Very disappointing, but I had a feeling he wasn't going to show.
So, we told him he couldn't stay at home tonight. That we needed time to decide what to do. He was very upset and is saying he will go to rehab if that's what it takes to come home. Sounds like he is telling me what I want to hear, and not what he needs to do for himself.
I guess only time will tell. We will also be shutting off his cell phone in the morning. We have to do something to make him realize what his addiction is doing to his life. It makes me sad, but I need to be strong for him. This simply is larger than he is. I gave him the addiction counselor's telephone number and told him he was free to call her tomorrow. I guess we will see what he does.
I told him that he needs to cease his friendships with his friends that use. I told him either he could do it himself, or I will by letting the families of his friends know that they are also addicts. His choice. Again... I guess we wait and see what he does tomorrow.
_________________ Your Admin, Gene. -=People who ask our advice almost never take it. Yet we should never refuse to give it, upon request, for it often helps us to see our own way more clearly. =-
Update... haven't heard from my son since last night. He did reach out to his girlfriend and told her he knows he needs help. We have checked out all the rehab centers that our insurance can cover, and luckily, we have excellent coverage. So, I wait to hear from him.. I wait to hear he is ready to recover... I wait to hear he is okay.. I wait... to tell him how much I love him and how hard it is for me to do this for him....
My wife and I are attending our first ALANON meeting tonight, so we can be strong for him. I realize today that my wife has some anger toward me for pretending my son didn't have a problem... for making excuses for him when he had a problem earlier.... it just hasn't been in me to do what is needed....
Wht do you mean creating negative predisposition toward treatment? How would we be doing that?
My son loves to play tennis and do swimming, he also want to spend a lot of time to play computer games and video games. So when we (my wife and I) want to punish him for misbehaving we revoke his privileges to play computer games, but never his tennis or swimming practice time. I hope you got the idea.
You already pushing your son away
Quote:
So, we told him he couldn't stay at home tonight.
Your son is 20y/o, how would you react if someday after the ultimatum he will leave you and begin his life on the streets. Where his chances to survive will be greater on the streets or at your home? Where will he use more at your home or on the streets?
You are planning to join ALANON, however your action is already show ALANON influence. Have you even ask your son why he didn't show up for the meeting? Your son already looking for the help he has contacted his girlfriend. Did you ask yourself a simple question why he contacted her not you as parents? Maybe because he wants to have parents not a watchdogs.
_________________ Your Admin, Gene. -=People who ask our advice almost never take it. Yet we should never refuse to give it, upon request, for it often helps us to see our own way more clearly. =-
Last edited by Admin on June 22, 2007 - 06:28 PM; edited 1 time in total
topic moved to "Childrens and Cocaine, Crack Cocaine Addiction"
_________________ Your Admin, Gene. -=People who ask our advice almost never take it. Yet we should never refuse to give it, upon request, for it often helps us to see our own way more clearly. =-
Wht do you mean creating negative predisposition toward treatment? How would we be doing that?
My son loves to play tennis and do swimming, he also want to spend a lot of time to play computer games and video games. So when we (my wife and I) want to punish him for misbehaving we revoke his privileges to play computer games, but never his tennis or swimming practice time. I hope you got the idea.
You already pushing your son away
Quote:
So, we told him he couldn't stay at home tonight.
Your son is 20y/o, how would you react if someday after the ultimatum he will leave you and begin his life on the streets. Where his chances to survive will be greater on the streets or at your home? Where will he use more at your home or on the streets?
You are planning to join ALANON, however your action is already show ALANON influence. Have you even ask your son why he didn't show up for the meeting? Your son already looking for the help he has contacted his girlfriend. Did you ask yourself a simple question why he contacted her not you as parents? Maybe because he wants to have parents not a watchdogs.
Well I am taking advice from addiction counselors. I've never been through this before. I don't really know what works and what doesn't. I'm just trying to find a way to get my son to understand he has a problem that needs serious help.
What would you have me to do? let him stay in my house using coke in my home? Stealing items from our home to fund his habit? Where do you draw the line?
What would you have me to do? let him stay in my house using coke in my home? Stealing items from our home to fund his habit?
And if I tell you "yes", will you? I don't think so, maybe you should apply the same tactic to "advices" of addiction counselors.
I bet this counselor told you to join a alanon. At alanon the same "blue print" applied: "protect yourself" However, it may sounds as a good advice, in reality when you applied all alanon advices will separate you and your son. Where do you think your son will end up after family isolation -- at another 12 steps organisation: Alcoholic Anonymous, Narcotic Anonymous, or Cocaine Anonymous. I hope you goth the idea about 12 step "business model".
_________________ Your Admin, Gene. -=People who ask our advice almost never take it. Yet we should never refuse to give it, upon request, for it often helps us to see our own way more clearly. =-
You should be strong, but you also have to be balanced. Make sure you are not creating negative predisposition towards the treatment idea.
This situation reminds me of Lucy's....
Below is something I had posted when she first arrived here.
It's clear to see I'm on the same page as Gene.
keepitreal wrote:
The more you restrict him,
the more his mind starts scheming
and the better he gets at it, I might add.
You don't want him
to actually fear either you or your husband...
It's hard, very hard Lucy,
to walk the line of help and support,
yet avoid being duped,deceived and enabling.
I think confining him and restricting him,
is a bad idea and makes it worse.
It won't make him stop using,
but, it will become a factor
for him to stop being open with yous anymore.
The best thing we can do for our kids,
is to allow them the reality of,
consequences and accountability.
What I'm wondering about is this.....
Dadataloss wrote:
But.....he has chosen to continue to hang out with those same friends that do it. He had to take a drug test for an employment screening for a job this week,
I'm also aprehensive with the weekend approaching. A lot of parties are taking place this weekend, and that means drugs and alcohol will be present... and that means.. he will be present there too. Grrr
We will also be shutting off his cell phone in the morning.
I told him that he needs to cease his friendships with his friends that use. I told him either he could do it himself, or I will by letting the families of his friends know that they are also addicts. His choice. Again... I guess we wait and see what he does tomorrow.
No job, has been forced to live outside of our home (stealing from us)
Who the h-ll is in charge over there?
If he does not have a job....
why does he have the luxury to have a cell phone?
And, how long has he been out of work?
What is he work history anyway?
How long had he been stealing from yous...
or how many times did he steal from yous,
until yous made the decision he needed to be kicked out?
And, at best, by this comment...
Dadataloss wrote:
So, we told him he couldn't stay at home tonight. That we needed time to decide what to do.
It doesn't sound like yous totally kicked him out but,
use that as a way to support your threats,
only to let him back home anyway.
This isn't just bigger then him.....
it's bigger then both you and your wife.
I find it pathetic, an addiction counselor
would even suggest throwing him out.
Are yous in family counseling?
...and I don't mean related to drugs or addiction either.
Cause, I think there are some underlying issues here
that are being ignored or being swept under the rug.
Dadataloss wrote:
We have checked out all the rehab centers that our insurance can cover, and luckily, we have excellent coverage.
Yea...what's your point?
Rehab is not a cure all
Buckle up and hold on to your seat...
Welcome to the reality of addiction and sobriety
Peace
Lynn
Gene
_________________ If you can not stand for something, you will fall for everything
Don't presume to know me or my son. You don't know what type of realtionship I have with him and how close we have become over the years. Don't also presume that there are some underlying issues here that need family counseling. Bottom line is that we are trying to find what will wake him up to the fact that he is an addict. He knows it's a problem.. he's smart. Yes, he has stolen from us numerous times. No he isn't working. And yes, he no longer has an active cell phone because it was a luxury that we chose to remove. It also was his tool of communication to over 25 other college aged friends he has that are also coke users. It's widespread in this town, unfortunately.
I didn't start writing on this site to be chastised. You have your opinions and you are welcome to them, but that doesn't mean they are right for my situation. They are all different situations.
Bottom line, I love my son, however, he is a spoiled kid that has always been given what he wanted. That IS my fault, but the past is just that.. the past.. and it does no good to go back to the past when you can't change it.
Do we have any serious family issues? No, we don't. We are a close knit, healthy family.... have we had issues in the past.. you bet! We've had many tragedies in our family and also gone through cancer, surgeries, and treatments. But, praise Lord, we are all still here.
Ny son is a great kid. He's gotten himself too deep in
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