I have a serious problem, i am doing alot of cocaine every day on top of that i am using heroin, crack, alcohol and just about anything else i can get my hands on. this has been escalating over the last few months and now its reaching crisis point. yet i am still able to hold my job down, just about.
I had my first over dose on sunday, i had been on a serious bender for a few days and thought it would be a good idea to inject heroin. it was a very bad idea and i overdosed. my friend who was there didnt call an ambulance and hoped i would pull through. i was totally unconcious for an hour my lips had gone blue i was hardly breathing amongst other things (i was told this after). i dont remember a thing about it or much after. i remember i had a dream of drowning and fighting to stay above water - thats all i can recall. i did pull through and i am lucky to be alive. it didnt scare me like i thought it would and i carried on using.
it is not normal to stay up four 4 days doing non stop cocaine abuse and then go to work on the fifth day - i dont know how i am pulling it off. i dont think anyone has noticed as i blamed it on bad hayfeverm. i know what i am doing is *censored F--> up but i cant stop. i dont know what the catalyst is for this self destructive behaviour, if i did i would address it.
i dont know what to do i have completly lost control - i think dying may be the only thing that would stop me, and i dont want to die. outwardly you would think butter wouldnt melt but i am really *censored F--> up. i used to have binges which seemed to be triggered they would last a couple of weeks then it was back to steady using - i dont know what the trigger was. this binge shows no sign of stopping its been going on for months.
i need help if i dont stop i am going to die its that simple. i got away with doing to much once next time i may not be so lucky. i am not stupid and i understand what i am doing but i cannot stop - its a horrible situation my every action is being manipulated by drugs especially coke. my entire life has been built around my habit.
i have been to ca twice and it did not work i am quite self concious and dont like the whole group sharing thing. i also cant do in patient rehab as i need to keep working and im not sure if it would work anyway - what are my options?
Well I would say nothing,since you cant.I mean you took in two meetings and you cant go to rehap,and you already have in your mind it wont work anyway so what now.I dont know,you tell us ,im as lost as you are on what to do,nothing works anyhow.The thing is do you want help,do you want to live,well if so, you will do whatever it takes,without the attitude that it might not work anyhow.Good luck
I did not want to die either, because if I did, I would be unsucessful at continuing to get high. Take my drug from me, and might as well have killed me. I assumed it would feel as close to death as I could get without actually leaving physically...
Although, come to find out, it feels more like life rather than death.
First off, think about the fact that you are playing in the sandbox with the wrong toys. Instead of sand molds you are playing with knives yet still trying to build a sand castle.
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i dont know what the trigger was
If you are a kid, you want to play, if you are a drug addict you want to get high. A trigger is not necessary to act upon the thought or desire to use.
Quote:
i remember i had a dream of drowning and fighting to stay above water - thats all i can recall
Do you think this is the only thing you remember for no reason at all?? You were dying, and your mind was fighting. Your mind is telling you that you are not ready to go. The next overdose, your mind may not be as strong to pull you through, if you (like most addicts) are willing to take this chance then assure that you will. If you, (like some) are willing to accept the fact that something is attempting to pull you from the fire, and stop fighting the hand that grabs you... maybe, just maybe you have a chance to recover from the burns.
Your options are slim when your mind is frozen. Dethaw your thoughts, and find the core of what has driven you here, to this site so that you can at least attempt to stay alive by chipping at the ice block and see what creation has in store for you.
_________________ ~what happens to a person is less significant than what happens within them~
_________________ Your Admin, Gene. -=People who ask our advice almost never take it. Yet we should never refuse to give it, upon request, for it often helps us to see our own way more clearly. =-
I did not go on two occasions, I went many times during two separate attempts to get clean. It just was not for me. Residential rehab is not an option i just want some advice on what councellors and out patient therapy is like.
As for triggers I am an addict but sometimes my use escalates to massive levels out of the blue and i dont know why it happens. i want to get clean and be happy but i am struggling to see a path out. this is an illness and it is hideous.
It does not matter what form of treatment you seek out...
if you want to be clean and happy, you will take what you can get and grow from there.
I went to outpatient before inpatient because it was the only option offered in my town for drug abuse therapy. Come to find out it was all court ordered offenders, way beyond my age group, who normally rolled in drunk and high anyways. I hardly agreed with some of the things mentioned in the classes, I had heard some of the councelors where double sided, and my mom waited outside for me each time. At one point I was having private sessions with one of the councelors and he decided he wanted to talk about issues other than addiction, such as relationships and my future and perception on dating. I just ignored his advances, kept my cool,kept my answers directly towards my addiction, and stayed close to the door. That same night, after group class I sat in late with the cool councelor and explained what had occured and that I was uncomfortable being in the same building as him. Come to find out, there were other girls there who he had done the same too, and other girls with stories of councelors offering them drugs in exchange for sex..these girls decided to come out about their experiences once I had. The cool councelor was very appalled and proud of my courage to speak up. This was positive motivation for me to make a difference and stand up for myself. We went straight to the president, and the guy was outta there the next day.
Ok, so enough of the BS...my point is.. I stayed anyways. I hated most of it, but some of it was worth it, I dealt with the BS, and held onto the little bits of information I was intrested in...and even when it was as bad as it was, the simple fact that I was actually doing anything, something that went towards my desire to be clean rather than away from it, was enough motivation for me to continue. I knew there was no other options out there for me near my home or in surrounding cities, so I had to make do with the options IN FRONT OF ME> I WANTED NOTHING MORE THAN TO GET OUT OF MY HEAD, AND TRY THIS SOBRIETY THING. And so far, I've got it. I have it because I was (and continue to be) willing to go as far as it takes to find it, and learn how to attempt to keep it and I refuse to give up on that to this day.
I tried AA in my town (there was no NA) and because I lived in such a small town the only meeting held was at the local VA hospital and of course was full with Veterans who had years on me. I was like a joke to them, and my choice of drug was not anything they desired to hear about. So I found an outpatient class as described above, and have my certificate for completing 8 weeks of that, with drug tests. I would have kept going to these classes but they were only for 8 weeks and started over. I got bored with life, and wanted to find more and explore my world without the ever so dying urge to get high, so I researched inpatient, for months and months... and found one. I go, and its in the middle of the woods, in a torn down building, with clothes lines and a makeshift volley ball court...no ac in the main office, a corridor of single rooms, one for males and females, all rotting wood....it looked like concentration camp status... and I had drove 5 hours to get there. It was off some back a** dirt road, and even still I was ready to unpack my bags and start at it. The people were so nice, but the place was not anywhere my father was going to drop me off. So come to find out, they were waiting on the new place to be built, and I could come back in a few weeks to be admitted to that one instead. My heart was broken, I wanted to stay so bad, but knew I could not. So back home for a few weeks. (ps, the new place was amazing)
Through all this that would seem simple to deal with for a normal person...I was really making big steps by being ok with the fact that sometimes things were not as they seemed or how I thought they should be. I was learning new things all my own, that were so simple and serene, that the average person may know any given day, but they meant so much to me. These are the most important things to me to this day. The things that help me grow inside, because I know these are the things that keep me clean today.
You are responsible for finding your own, holding them close, and fighting this horrid addiction of yours. It IS yours by the way, and once you acknowledge that you have the opportunity to find powerful methods of overcoming it, conquoring it, and being thankful for all it could and will teach you if you give it the chance.
Bottom line through all of this, you are not going to make any progress until you are ready and willing to do so. Until you are sick of your addiction, and willing to do what it takes to get out of it alive.
_________________ ~what happens to a person is less significant than what happens within them~
I think, this link will help you to find what you are looking for (consider your geographical location). However, the final result will greatly depend on your own willingness to change.
Good Luck.
http://www.cocainehelp.org/Web_Links-in ... cid-2.html
_________________ Your Admin, Gene. -=People who ask our advice almost never take it. Yet we should never refuse to give it, upon request, for it often helps us to see our own way more clearly. =-
You know ... I've often thought about the trigger thing as well. I guess a trigger doesn't need to be there. If you become addicted via using in a recreational manner, then I suppose the drug is the trigger after your body begins craving it so hard. There doesn't need to be some underlying issue that you're running away from however, after you get locked into your addiction and you begin to slip further into darkness you may find yourself doing things and behaving in ways that are hurting people around you. You will most likely develop feelings of guilt about what you're doing, which will lead to some depression and then, POW! You now have a trigger. "OH MY GIRLFRIENDS PISSED BECAUSE I'M STILL UP DOING DRUGS WHEN SHE'S GETTING READY FOR WORK, WELL SCREW THAT, I'M GONNA SNAP ANOTHER LINE, AND MAKE IT A BIG FAT ONE TOO." You're running now.
There are some people that maybe do have a trigger already though, and when they find a vehicle that takes them far away from whatever it is that they're not handling ... it just makes it easy. And when you're high, you think about that issue and tell yourself how *censored F--> up it is that you are attempting to deal with it while you're messed up, but then when sober time comes back around, you just feel normal again and you're not thinking about that issue anymore maybe. You now have other *censored sh_t that you have to deal with because you have been loaded for who knows how long and bills are behind, you have to apologize to your daughter because you missed her back to school night, you're girl hasn't seen you in four days because you've been getting high in the basement at night and sleeping all day, or whatever man. If you already had a trigger, now you got a whole bunch.
I think about what you said though. "What the he|l is it that I'm not understanding or dealing with? Why am I feeling this incredible urge to numb myself from life? And, then I feel like if I knew what it was, then I could take care of it and move on. The only problem is that to take care of it you now have to reset the way you think and you have to do that without whatever your poison is. You have to learn how to think with a clear and clean mind, and that isn't going to be easy. You also have to know that you're ready to accept that challenge. I've OD'd before too and I was choppin' lines a week later as soon as I felt better. I didn't learn either and I've been unconscious when those dreams start too. It just felt like I was slipping. Falling.Now I had that feeling in my sleep and it scared me awake! I think I was on my way out that night and I realized it and woke up. I'd never had that feeling before. I've noticed that since I have been doing drugs and drinking harder and harder as I go along, I can feel it (death) right there in the room with me. This thick and unmistakable sensation of darkness comes over me. It's scary. I think our bodies know when they're cashing it in. maybe a sixth sense we don't feel until we're there, and then again maybe, I was just too loaded and scaring myself. I just know I've never had any of those dreams or feelings until after I began playing with drugs.
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