It's been both inspiring and I must say a little scary reading some of the posts on this forum. I would be grateful for any advice or encouragement from anyone out there regarding my situation. I first smoked crack with a friend who I used to see every couple of weeks, (we would make music in his studio and smoke rocks) He lives on the other side of London andI kept it on that basis for almost 2 years. I remember how much I used to really look forward to it but never really saw myself as an addict. I didn't have a connection and he always scored the gear and had a pipe.
A year ago I moved to a more central part of London and found out that there was a crack dealer living 5 doors away. I started using more regularly though by no means every day and still felt like I had it in "control..." Slowly but surely this slipped up to buying a £20 every other day until I spent a week using every day. The first time I smashed my pipe I felt so good, like a massive weight had been lifted and stayed clean for a couple of weeks. Inevitably I met my friend again and he offered me a hit. I couldn't seem to refuse. I'm sure you can relate. I'm now in a position where I seem to ceremoniously smash 4 or 5 pipes per month but always come back. I'll have a couple of glasses of wine and that devil in my ear just won't stop talking. I walk 5 doors down, buy a new pipe and smoke. I'm not using every day but I feel like I'm on a precipice looking down at a long drop. Why do I keep going back? I've tried N/A but was really put off by the whole 12 steps approach and very suprised about the way it works in terms of putting faith into a higher power. Being an atheist I just can't do that. Help?
"I'm now in a position where I seem to ceremoniously smash 4 or 5 pipes per month but always come back. I'll have a couple of glasses of wine and that devil in my ear just won't stop talking. I walk 5 doors down, buy a new pipe and smoke."
Don't drink the wine and walk in the other direction.
You've come to a great place for information and support. Welcome to Cocainehelp.org.
You keep going back because A) You want to get high, and B) the addictive properties of cocaine keep you wanting to ge high C) Alcohol is lowering your ability to self-restrain...and you are really putting yourself in danger mixing the two.
Keep reading. Educate yourself. You have made a great first step in coming here and smashing your pipes. Try smashing them and not buying another. Easy for me to say I know...ultimately what you will have to do.
First, there are so many ways to go about overcoming this devil other than an NA approach, so do not let that stray you from your idea that it may be time to smash the pipe for the last time. Although I have gone to many NA, AA meetings in the past, and thought alot of things discussed were beyond my choosing, I continued, without committing to a program lifestyle, and choose instead to take the good things that made me light up, and feel good inside, and use those to impower the days ahead of me. While also disregarding the things I felt to be outrageous or right out made me turn inside. I may go once in a while these days, but the most powerful insight I have found has been through this site.
You are here, asking for help, advice, etc...meaning you acknowledge your cocaine use as something you are possibly willing to leave behind due to the effect it has had on your life, your emotions, and abilities. The only thing that would stop you at this point from finding your own freedom from this drug is living without that acknowledgement. You have been given a puzzle, and now it is time to figure out where the pieces go. And when you believe that there may be a piece missing, don't worry, it IS a puzzle, and that piece is amongst many others. It is your dedication and willingness to see past the unfinished that will lead you to that missing piece.
Your story is the baseline for many others here on this site. By sharing it, you are allowing the truth of your own to surface giving you some room to grow. By holding your thoughts, questions, and fears in, these feelings will continue to take up much needed space of yours...so let this site be your palate for finding what you need to rid yourself of what keeps you returning to cocaine.
Bottom line, your choice of action is what is going to have you returning to smoking rock, or walking away next time you are faced with this decision. Not only that paticular choice, but all the choices you decide to make up until this time may come back around may effect how you process your thoughts.
Living near the dealer would not have myself in any position to even think about quitting use, but that is me. I have come to recognize my boundries and have choosen to block those things that I am fully aware of putting myself at great risk of using again. These are the things you must seek to find, and take action upon to change if you are going to build a decision making strength for the next time you are faced with cocaine. Not to mention, there are the things that I am not aware of, that slowly, gradually lead me into my addict mind, testing my trust that I am capable of seeing what is in front of me. When I am distracted by the many facets of life, my stability is low and my direction may be weary...at the end of the day, if I have not smoked cocaine again I know I can rest on that and wake up to build again. By using I only return to the cycle, and end up wanting to be here, all over again. You want to be here now, and you are...be thankful you have at least found the thought of "I wish I could", and found a place to express that, realize you can, and learn how to keep it. This site has offered me that and so much more...and now it is front of you. Your freedom from cocaine is in your hands. If you do not build it strong, and are not committed to staying clean and willing to do what it takes to do so, you will find yourself repeating what you already know until you decide to walk a different step.
good journeys to you,
freedom
_________________ ~what happens to a person is less significant than what happens within them~
I'd like to start off by thanking both of you for taking the time to give me such in depth and valuable advice. I can't tell you how much I appreciate it. I've read an awful lot of different stories from this site now and have taken on a lot of very varied opinions and advice. As far as my case is concerned I have recently stopped drinking. I wasn't an alcoholic as as such but was drinking too much and it was definitely drinking that was a trigger point for my crack use. In fact (I don't know if anyone else can relate to this) I found smoking crack made me feel extremely edgy and irritable if I hadn't had a few drinks beforehand. Perhaps in some strange way this was a blessing in disguise as it made me not in the least bit tempted to light a pipe during the day and my use was restricted to evenings. On the other hand, since I've researched further into crack addiction I've discovered that it is in fact extremely dangerous to mix these two drugs. I had no idea. More incentive for me to quit.
I feel like a novice amongst a lot of experts in terms of giving advice but I will share two valuable things I've come across recently, especially for any newcomers to this wonderful site who might read this post. The first is Addictive Voice Recognition Technique which can be very useful for anyone who doesn't quite hold with the concept of the 12 step recovery program or group sessions with N.A.
I'd like to make it clear however that the 12 step recovery program helps an awful lot of people and I'm not casting any dispertions on this success rate. It just didn't work for me.
Finally, as I found out quite recently, there is no such thing as just one hit. I was offered one and before I new it I was back in the shop buying wire gauze, a minature brandy bottle, and taking those inevitable steps down the road to see my dealer. When you hear that voice in your head tempting you into relapsing, just bear in mind that it is your primitive mind (or your "devil" demanding pleasure but you CAN control it if you REALLY want to. From reading your stories I don't think I've experienced the full horror of what a lot of people seem to have experienced through crack use, and I think perhaps it is all of you that has saved me.
I'm at the beginning of my recovery but I'm feeling confident that I'll never light up another rock again. Thank you all.
_________________ Your Admin, Gene. -=People who ask our advice almost never take it. Yet we should never refuse to give it, upon request, for it often helps us to see our own way more clearly. =-
So much for my newfound self confidence. I'd been doing pretty well so I thought, then when I got home on Saturday night my housemates offerred me a couple of lines of coke. I thought "This can't hurt... only a bit of fun, and it's not a pipe at least." The next day I woke up with cravings like I'd never had before to smoke. My willpower disolved, I drank a bottle of wine and the voice in my head started doing it's thing. I made the call and got a £30 rock. Next night a £20 rock. Last night clean. I was going to post here yesterday but felt too ashamed and disgusted with myself. I've slipped down the snake and feel like I'm at the bottom rung of the ladder again. Gutted!
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