This is for a new member on the site, Toxicanuck. Just a helping hand to get a thread going for her.
I only have posted some basics that I cut out from her journal, so the following is not a full account of what she has written. Please see her journal entry on the home page for a better insight into what is going on with her as I did not include all of her situation.
Toxic, I hope this will help. Best wishes to you.
Taken from Toxicanuck's journal blog:
I'll introduce myself and give a small peek into my personal demons...
I will be 38 on the 19th of August, and I feel like a small lost child. I'm in an outpatient rehab program with one-on-one councilling with a drug therapist. This is the 1st time I have ever gone for help for anything, other than my 5 year on and off AA meetings. I don't go there any more, I found that the 12-step programs didn't work for me. They can be wonderful for some, and I am by no means knocking it.
My hubby and I don't drink, and we used to like to roll or snort a few lines once or twice a year on special occasions. I was never a big pot smoker after the kids were born, and he was never really a drinker. He smokes pot regularly, but that is his demon, and since it doesn't interfere with either our finances or relationship as a whole, I see no real problem, except for the health issues it can cause. But who am I to judge?!
Anyways, my coke use escalated, unbeknownst to him, and soon I was having chronic sinus problems that were getting hard to explain. I had shot coke once with a girlfriend when I was 16, and soon found myself thinking that this was the way to go to hide the use. And voila! No more runny nose. This has all happened in the last year. So as of October 2006 I had become an IV coke user. I did a six month run before I got caught.
I came here because I was having a really bad day, and was looking for a cocaine help chat room where I could talk myself down from going out and copping a bag. I wrecked his car on Saturday night drunk driving, and I was prepared to go out hitch-hiking to get it last night (SUnday).
I am so glad I found this site. Bless You All and good luck with your battles.
Lucy, thanks you for all your help! I hope you really don't mind holding my hand out here, it's been wonderful the way you are so unselfishly willing to help a total stranger when you obviously have your own problems to deal with.
So where to start? .......
Well I'm sure my behaviour and feelings are like many, probably most of you out here. I am here to find out as much as I can about being succesful in sobriety as possible. There are so many "tools" here to help us help ourselves. Because that's really what it comes down to isn't it? First of all we have to want to get better (which I do), and second, it's in our own hands (heads) to be able to succeed. No one else can make us want it, no matter how much they are willing to do.
Having my alcohol sobriety for three years has at least taught me what to expect, and how to live in a sober state. Mind you, I have fallen off that wagon many times since, but I DID have that time, so........
This addiction is far more compelling. As most of you can attest to, I wake thinking about it, I fall asleep thinking about it, and for the three months that I didn't use, I dream about it to the point where I will wake up with my heart pounding, sweat rolling down my body and a rushing sensation as if I really did do that hit that I just watched myself do in the dream.
EVIL EVIL EVIL drug!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Most days, I can shrug off the urge pretty easily, easier in fact than I thought it would be. I knew the very first day I booted-up that I was well on my way to the point of no return. I didn't care. I only regretted that I was going to hurt the ones I loved. That was my only worry, and to a point still is. I have little reason to care if I live or die, but that is another topic which need not be dug into here.
I only wish to keep the love and happiness of the three people who matter to me. So with that I have a whole other struggle, because then doesn't that make my sobriety NOT for me?
I really don't give a sh/t about myself. It's not low self esteem either. I know I am a good person, I have a huge heart, and I don't have any bad self image stuff going on such as my body, etc. I like the way I look.
I guess a lot of it has to do with the fact that I see no point in being born, working your whole life and then dying.
Anyways, I've sure put a lot more down here than I expected, and I think a lot of it is going to look like a ramble, but venting is a start to revovery. I gotta get through the me-me-me's that I know we all go through at the beginning. Only then can I progress to the why-why-why's lol
Peace
i have read what you have written and i beg to differ -- i think you have many reasons to live; some of which involve the 3 people who matter to you; and the very things you have said about yourself -- that you are a good person with a huge heart! those are wonderful qualities to have; and not that many people these days have them. so, i think you have many, many reasons to want to live and to live this life to the fullest; because, hey; we only live once. this is something we only get one chance at! when it's done, it's done and noone can give it back to us!
you say you want to get better, then that does make your sobriety and desire to hold onto it, for you! if you need to think of your loved ones to help keep you on track and motivated; then by all means.
because, hey; we only live once. this is something we only get one chance at! when it's done, it's done and noone can give it back to us!
And herein lies my dilemma!
Since I feel the way I do about life, the selfish part of me wants to do what IT wants, which is to get high and enjoy the feeling. Because hey, wtf?! Make yourself happy.
See, the only thing that is bugging me about getting high is the fact that if I get caught, I may get kicked out, or at the very least, disappoint him, and make him worry. So then the only bad thing for me about it is the stress of hiding tracks and bruises. Which I definitely do not want to keep putting myself through.
Is this making any sense? Arrrrgh!!!
Bottom line is I am quitting because the only thing that makes me feel better than coke is the natural high I get just being with my sweety. And my kids of course, that goes without saying!
Wow, I can't believe how honest I just was with myself there.
_________________ Anger is an acid that can do more harm to the vessel in which it is stored than to anything on which it is poured.
Last edited by toxicanuck on Mar 01, 2008 - 06:25 PM; edited 1 time in total
BTW, I see a lot of different main forum listings for dealing with crack addiction and dealing with cocaine addiction, but maybe someone could start a new one in the general section under the heading dealing with IV cocaine addiction. This route of administration brings its own set of complications from simply track marks etc, to the more serious liver problems such as hepatitis B and especially C.
Just a thought.
Peace
_________________ Anger is an acid that can do more harm to the vessel in which it is stored than to anything on which it is poured.
You have come to a great place for information, support and accountability!
You know that there are many treasures to be embraced throughout the journey that we refer to as life. A good example you bring to light in your own thread and that is the good feelings and emotions that you feel being close to and sharing life with someone that you care deeply about... that pleasure that you feel is just one of the many pleasures that life has to offer. The love that you feel when you speak of your children is another example. As you begin to free yourself from the controls that drugs have over your life a new reality may begin to unfold and you may see things (pleasures) that have always been there for you to behold, but your addiction has kept just out of reach of enjoying them to thier fullest potential.
This site can be an excellent tool for those wanting to grow, finding thier full potential in a positive light....
Glad that you are here to share and grow with us ...
Once again Welcome !!!
Wishing you Strength and Peace ...
Michelle
_________________ Positives create better results then Negatives
Hey Toxic-
I'm glad you are continuing to come and share. You have a deeper insight into life then I think you even realize.
If we only get this chance at life then we should enjoy it. But shooting up isn't enjoying it, its a fake, chemically induced state of being, not real life. And the pain and guilt it causes certainly isn't enjoyable. The consequences of using isn't enjoyable. So really it is NOT the way to enjoy this life, it is a few minutes of pleasure that cause hours and hours and days and days of regret and consequence.
You are also right that you need to become sober for yourself. Until you can find the reasons to do it for yourself do it for your husband and children. Doesn't matter that it might not be for you at the start, as time goes on you will find that you are the reason you need to maintain sobriety. Your family is a great reason to start. There is no right or wrong way to begin the journey of recovery, this is a very personal decision and you need to do it for whatever or whomever you want.
Look for reasons around you to show that life is more then being born, working and dying. There are lots of things in between the basics of life, but you must seek them out. You have a reason for being here. No one can tell or show you why life is the way it is, it is our own responsibility to find what we need to make our lives fulfilling and happy, so start looking!
Since I feel the way I do about life, the selfish part of me wants to do what IT wants, which is to get high and enjoy the feeling. Because hey, wtf?! Make yourself happy
IF you were not experiencing the selfish side, what would YOU on the inside truely desire to hold within yourself?
If your answer would be to use, how is this true happiness?
Apparently it is not...
Quote:
I came here because I was having a really bad day, and was looking for a cocaine help chat room where I could talk myself down from going out and copping a bag.
...or there would have been no desire to find here, or to not go cop that bag.
Quote:
See, the only thing that is bugging me about getting high is the fact that if I get caught, I may get kicked out, or at the very least, disappoint him, and make him worry. So then the only bad thing for me about it is the stress of hiding tracks and bruises. Which I definitely do not want to keep putting myself through.
Is this making any sense? Arrrrgh!!!
I can relate. In some sense.
I did not care if I got caught, dissapointed others, or kicked out of anywhere. I "knew" (or so I thought) that any of this would come and go, "this too shall pass"...and I would return back to my desired state, getting high, whatever the cost, regardless of the results.The only bad thing about it for me was that when I got caught, my tactics of hiding it were revealed, making it harder for me to come up with yet ANOTHER plan of concealing use. Rather than the pain of family members, (I choose to leave my family so of course guilt layed around) I had to deal with the pain of the back of my dope dealers boyf's hand against my face. But he|l, at the time I could not have cared less. Anything to get out of the house with a rock and a pipe. Or anything to get everyone OUT of the house, where I could resume my "happiness". Eventually the stress of hiding evidence of your use will dissipate, right along with your concern for anything else. In time the ONLY thing that will bother you regarding your use and its consequences is NOT having any, finding some, or finding any way to get some.
Quote:
As most of you can attest to, I wake thinking about it, I fall asleep thinking about it, and for the three months that I didn't use, I dream about it to the point where I will wake up with my heart pounding, sweat rolling down my body and a rushing sensation as if I really did do that hit that I just watched myself do in the dream.
This is exactly how I came across this site, similar to your own reason of findings. I woke in tears, sweat and confusion..thinking I was high, and had dope. After realizing reality, I freaked and googled cocaine searching for something, anything to wake my mind up, suggest ideas for self help, or anything that could alter my thoughts and make me realize what I had come to desire-NO MORE COCAINE FOR ME.
Quote:
I only wish to keep the love and happiness of the three people who matter to me. So with that I have a whole other struggle, because then doesn't that make my sobriety NOT for me?
Any sobriety OF YOURS, IS FOR YOU. Maybe your sobriety does not start off because you decide to kick the habbit for the simple reason you dont want to use cocaine anymore...but it does start is because YOU make a decision to STOP, normally due to consequences of use, and you are dedicated to figuring out ways of keeping your decision stable.
I did not quit because I wanted to, or was capable of doing so on my own, I quit because I went to jail.
A couple weeks later, then it was my turn to decide. It was time to LEARN how to be capable, or stay incapable. There was nothing there to stop me, except myself.
You are welcome to use your family as a lean on, to begin something here. Anything that works, simply works. It may not work for someone else, and it may not work all the time, or for a long period of time. But, this is your journey and you fight for it however you must.
In the end, your sucess and strength will come in the use of yourself as a foundation for your sobriety. Therefore the journey you partake on, must be one of ultimately sifting through your sand, showing what is left and strong, and what is weak and has fallen through. Picking up the peices that hold together well, and keeping them held tight to your inner most self for use against those little peices that will try to mingle their way into your thoughts and stick around.Instead you are left with tools to continue digging through, and ways to leave the rest where it belongs.
Quote:
I guess a lot of it has to do with the fact that I see no point in being born, working your whole life and then dying
IF your child said the same thing to you...what would your response be?
Of course if we are using, there is not much purpose to be felt, emotion to hold, or desires to fight to achieve. Take the use away, with no work behind it to support such, and continue to find even less of what purpose, if any, you may have seen before.
You are doing an amazing job here, I hope to see you stick around. I am so glad to see some progressive, CONTINUED, positive activity here on this site FOR AN ADDICT -sure has been a while. This are the threads I look forward to reading, the stories that change, the mindsets that excel, the lives that brighten, the freedom that is found. What better purpose in life than to be of, or strive for faith and strength in yourself, for someone else to thrive off of??
This place will be WHAT you want it to be, if your willing to make it WHERE you want to be.
I just hope by the above questions to point out an opposite way of thinking, another side of things, that OTHER part of you that you clearly express here with much enthusiasm and experience, yet at other times let it pass you by, underestimating what lies within you.
In order for myself to make progress I had to separate the "two of me", learn to recognize them, and decide which one I was going to fight to be more so than the other. But only after gaining some general idea of who had been lost, and who I had been. Then I could step forward, accept the two differences in thoughts, put them in the ring together and sort things out. Sometimes one would fall, other times one would "tap out", and then there are these times that the one I never thought I could acomplish, actually comes out on top.
Learning that I did feel I was important, realizing that I desired to be more, and finding that I was not as worthless as I made myself were key to finding some hope in the matter of my addictions. Using cocaine IS not my only problem, I have issues within myself that needed to be sorted out, and will always remain somewhat deep. Recognizing that I have the choice to sort through my own mess and pick which I would like to live with today is the most amazing defeat I have overcome. Without this..the freedom of my own self, within myself, I am lost.
_________________ ~what happens to a person is less significant than what happens within them~
Again, speechless I be.
As a Leo, that's just too funny. Me-------speechless lol
Thanks for all that freedomisprecious!
My hubby has just been laid off, so for now I am safe with my babysitter.
Thanks for the pm's everyone, and not to worry, I am alive and behavin'. It's just hard to be out here on this site when he's about, since sometimes it's hard for him to accept the fact that I need outside help, especially from "strangers". He'd rather I didn't spread our private life out for the whole www to behold. and I understand how he feels. I still need this though. I have said things out here that are hard for me to admit to him. Things that may hurt him, although they certainly aren't to be that way.
Anyhoooo, I just wanted to let those of you who have been askin' after me know all is well.
Peace,
_________________ Anger is an acid that can do more harm to the vessel in which it is stored than to anything on which it is poured.
You can be as open or discreit as you want to be as far as your personal information as you post on the forums. It is good that you have found a place that you can vent, which in turn may help you better sort your addiction issues into a healthier perspective. The time that you spend here working to face your addiction is time well spent...
Wishing you Strength and Peace ...
Michelle
_________________ Positives create better results then Negatives
OK it's about time I stop lurkin' about on here every day and write a little. I still come here just about every day to get my daily and sometimes hourly dose of inspiration.
So...
...I started a new job today, and as much as I hate being in an automotive factory setting, here I am, since the bills ain't gonna pay themselves!
I was worried that being on my own and having that small bit of freedom I have from the time I leave until the time I get to work, and vice versa was going to be hard, since it seems lately that as soon as I have time away from my hubby I go buy some blow. That's why I have waited so long to get another job.
But...
...I DID IT!
I couldn't believe how easy it was to just go to work, and then just come home again, with no real temptation like I thought I'd have. So now I know that I can do it, and have to remember every day how to do it lol!
My girlfriend from BC is here for a while, and just got out of a two month refresher course of rehab. The time before this she was in for two years. We had a visit, and I was sussing out the situation to see if it was going to be ok for her and I to hang out. Seems we are going to be real good for each other, since one of the first questions she asked me was "Have you ever been to an NA or CA meeting?" when I told her no, she asked if I would take her to some meetings, since she relies on them for her continued sobriety. She has no vehicle and does not know her way around this area where I live. Of course I told her I would be happy to, but here is my dilemma:
I just started a new job where my hours are from 2 pm - 10:30 pm. The CA and NA meetings are Thursday and Friday at 7:30 pm. What do I do? If it was a job I'd had for some period of time already, I would have no problem telling a superior that I am an addict in recovery and need to attend at least one of these meetings.
I really don't know what I am going to do! Any suggestions?
Appreciate any input at all. I feel like I hit a wall, and it's causing me all kinds of worry lol.
By the way, I am still as sober as the last time I wrote here!
Yay me!
woo-hoo!
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Posted:Aug 06, 2007 - 11:35 PM
to behold. and I understand how he feels. I still need this though. I have said things out here that are hard for me to admit to him. Things that may hurt him, although they certainly aren't to be that way.
best of luck on your continued sobriety! Doin' great, gurl!
