For the last few days I have been on this site reading some incredible stories. Have been wondering where on earth to start. I have a 41 year old son who has been using for I would say 15 years. He started drinking at an early age, this wasn't enough that he had to start with the cocaine. This evil monster has seen him thru one broken marriage. At that time he and his wife were using. The marriage lasted 5 years. He was then on his own and living in a place that was party central. There was party's everynight.
He was in rehab 5 years ago for three weeks and this did nothing at all for him. It was back to party central again. I used to blame everybody else that lived there. Oh my poor Son!!!I soon opened my eyes. He has a damn good job and has had this job for a little over twenty years. He has been lucky that his job has been so patient with him. Again last year he entered rehab, this time for two and a half months. So all in all he was off for seven months. The doctor wanted him to take an extra three months to get himself straightened out. He has a girfriend who has been around for over five years. She too was into it socially. They did a lot of drinking and smoking. She has now a really great job and does not want to do anything that would stand in her way of losing this job. She is a wonderful person and very hard working.
My son has fallen three times since he came out of rehab and seems to like calling to tell me when this happens. I have worried myself sick over this man for so long. He has had a lot of problems when he was growing up. One thing that really blew my mind was when he told my husband and I when he was almost thirty that he had been molested by our parish priest. That blew me away. This has always been in the back of his mind and rightly so. I have felt so sorry for him sometimes and my husband doesn't seem to understand at times.
I now am in control of his money and have opened up a bank account in which his paycheck goes into. He has monies that have to be paid back. A few years back I went to a co-dependent program for a week thinking that I was going because of my son, boy I sure learned a few things about myself.
You know when I started typing I was thinking,what on earth am I going to say. Well there you go. You just can't shut me up. My problems seen so minor compared to some. I will certainly try to come on this site at least once a day to see what's new. I will look forward to hear from anyone.
Thank you for listening to me,
Your friend.
Gerry.
welcome to the site. you sound like you are a truly caring and loving person, and moreso a good mom! it's amazing how much as parents and loved ones we want to help out; but in the end it seems by all our helping, we end up hurting them more.
you say your son has a good job; so i think that at his age, he should be responsible for his own finances; not you. that can be a way in which you help him start being accountable for his own actions. just a thought.
keep coming back -- reading, sharing, venting whatever you need to do to reclaim your life and your sanity. we're here for you.
peace, strength and love,
Thank-you Hopeseternal for the big welcome. I hear what you are saying about the finances. When my son came to me to ask if I would do this my first response of course was yes. He feels that if there is a lot of money in his account that it is a temptation to him to withdraw and go out and use. I just find it so hard to understand this disease. It is a total constant worry for me.
You know I just wish that it would all go away. That's an easy way out isn't Hope? It just amazes me the money that he has gone thru. It's thousands of dollars. As I said he has this amazing job and nothing to show for it. When we go to his place there is never anything in the fridg.We always end up paying for supper or buying groceries. That's when my husband gets really frustrated.
Welcome. Sometimes Hope is all we have, until a situation changes.
Helping your son manage his finances...could be enabling...but it also a pretty common strategy that people using and in recovery use to try to reduce the temptation. If he is trying to learn to manage the money, not spending it on cocaine...what's wrong with helping. If he's asking for help so that he can control how much he uses...sooner or later he will get mad, because he won't have the money to get what he wants...more cocaine...and you will know. Either way...you will know what is right for you to do...and like the rest of us...I'm sure you have made mistakes and learned from them...just as he has/will/is.
This is a good place for information and support. I hope you continue to find support from others who do share your experience. Has your son sought any support or treatment for what happened to him. Sometimes dealing with the past head on can help the need to deal with things in less than healthy ways, though by now...cocaine is it's own problem as well. I hope your son knows and understands, that what happened to him is in no way his fault, there is no shame in it, he was robbed, his life will never be the same, but what happened to him, does not have to lay so heavy on his mind. There can be freedom from the pain of it. My thoughts and prayers are with you, your husband and your son.
Thank-you so much for your lovely words. I did read the story of the candles. I must say that I shed a few tears. It's certainly something to refer back to every once in a while.
To answer your question about my son,he spoke about this situation when he was in rehab for the first time. He wrote a very long letter to the priest and then shared it with my husband and I. It was kept for a few months and then he burned it. I really don't think that burning this will ever take the memory away of what happened to him.
You know Jenni, he makes me so angry sometimes but my unconditional love surpasses my anger. I keep praying for him and find comfort in this. Once again thank-you.
Hi Gerry and welcome to the site.
I am also the mom of an addict, and like you I love him unconditionally but am angered by his continued use, its a delicate line to walk I know
I think that as long as you are not resentful about doing so that you should handle his finances. There are many addicts who have been clean for years who still choose to have others control their finances so that they do not have access to them. If this works and helps stops one from using then I think it is worthwhile. Money in his hand will surely enable to use my son to use, and that is what he does.Works all week and spends it all using on the weekends, doesn't make much sense to me.
I am sorry for what your son went thru with the molestation, and I think that if should certainly seek help to get him thru that. Writing the letter to the priest was a good idea, but I understand that he may have burned it because he doesn't want to deal with it anymore, probably opens some deeply buried wounds. It may be hard to reopen all the emotions involved with that incident, but perhaps he really needs to in order to get on with his life.
As a mother I also worry about all the physical damage my son is doing to his body, and the mental incapacities that will surely occur because of his continued use. I can tell that for a few days after he has used that he's still in a bit of a fog. He resorts to himself again when he's been clean for a week or more, but its rare for him to stay clean more then a week at this point.
I mentioned to a friend that I was so tired of thinking and worrying about my son's continued use and he said, what's there to think about, you are his mom, you did a good job and its up to him to either fall on his face or make it. I don't think he knew how profound those words were to me, and they are so true, but so much easier to be said.
Gerry, my heart aches for you and your pain. Please make sure to take care of yourself.
Dear Lucy:
Thank-you for the kind words.I know exactly what you are going thru. This has been an ongoing thing for so long now. My heart aches for my son. All I can do is be there when he needs me. I have made myself sick over this many times. It makes you wonder sometimes what goes thru their heads. So I know what you mean about thinking and worrying about your son.
This son of mine has nothing to show for having a damn good job. I really want to see him get his life straightened out. He certainly has his families support. He has two sisters that are available to him anytime.
It always makes me wonder what I did wrong,but I brought these kids up to the best of my ability. Sure I made mistakes, we all do.My kids seemed to come first sometimes ahead of my husband and that's not right. Well, not anymore.You have to draw the line somewhere.
I certainly do appreciate your concern. I will think of you too and say a prayer for you.
It is hard to see all their money go literally up in smoke.
As a parent we are inclined to blame ourselves for our children's downfalls, but I am sure that you never encouraged your son to use drugs nor rewarded him for doing so, so I don't think you can blame yourself.
My son began using crack at the age of 21, and he has an uncle with this addiction and knew all of the reasons why he should never ever use it, but as an adult he chose to do so anyway, so he made a bad decision over and over and over and over again, and this addiction is his error and responsibility.
Our kids have always come first in our lives, and my husband and I would have it no other way. We chose to bring them in to this world and we took our roles as parents very seriously and were and are very active in their lives.
Thanks for your concern. Things seem to be going not too bad at the moment. You are right about the money situation.We always used to wonder where on earth did the money go to. Having a job as good as our son has,we could not understand where the money was going to. Do I think I'm doing the right thing buy holding onto his money? The answer is yes.If this is what it is going to take then so be it.
He has a few credit cards that are maxed among other people that he owed money to including my husband and I. This way I will know that the money is getting paid back. He has a lot of time on his hands because his girlfriend is the manager of a restaurant and has long hours. The problem being there is too much idle time. He had a sponsor but does not call him anymore. I asked him if he thought about volunteering. That was shot down. He would be great doing community work but you know what I can't force him to do it. I know what you mean about kids coming first in your life. Like I said before the love is unconditional and always has been.
I am sorry that you have been going through the pain and hardship of life as a mother whose offspring is hooked on drugs.
Cocaine, in effect is a terrible drug and very expensive once a person takes the first hit, line whatever the cravings are intense. It is a hard drug to get off of and can leave a person and thier love one's destroyed. However, I can tell you this much I was heavly into cocaine and crack the worser of the evil (never needles) and I have been clean for over 4 years now. My poor mother I don't know where she would be if I hadn't cleaned up my sister still is using and continues to hurt herself and the family. She has been using for around 17 years ever since she turned 23 and met her husband who turned her on to it. They divorced in less then a year.Her life has been intensly affected she has spent much time behind bars and her health has shot downhill. She has no real job, car, money, clothes nothing that a 40 year old should have by now because of it almost every cent goes to the dealer and up in smoke. Not just her money but my families money as well, throughout the years, has gone up and away.I have waisted so much money when I used it is ridiculous if only I could turn back time....... I should have died a long time ago but the man upstairs has saved me from my own down fall and I pray he will do the same for those still struggleing.
I know that idle time can be a bad thing so find out what things your son enjoys. Does he like sports, playing sports, going to sporting events,or out door activities, going to the movies, renting movies, playing cards, hobbies. Moderate exercise is a good stress reliever, does he like painting, fishing, whatever it is Try to partake in that with him and invite him to do fun things with you. Does he like to read there are many self help books out there that could prove to be a benefit maybe pick him up one on relaspe prevention. I know that deppression can result from quitting the drugs and it can be hard to push oneself to do anything fun and clean.
As far as his pain from being harmed in his youth has he considered therapy? because yes, emotionally that can leave some hurt. It shouldn't become so troublesome to him that he would chose to continue to let it bring him down or use drugs to self medicate. I believe he should seek therapy it could help him sort through those feelings.
Well nice meeting you and I will keep you and your son in my thoughts and prayers, take care and stay strong sounds like you have a good plan going in helping him with his money.
you say your son has a good job; so i think that at his age, he should be responsible for his own finances; not you. that can be a way in which you help him start being accountable for his own actions. just a thought.
JoAnne, I get where you're coming from but,
where matters of addiction are concerned...
a temporary solution for the right reasons,
is a smart move for an addict who does want sobriety.
The truth of the matter is...
He is not only being responsible but,
holding himself accountable....for now, anyway.
He is being responsible for his finances,
by allowing his mother to control his finances.
And by doing so, you can only conclude that,
he knows the potential is there, for him to f-ck up.
That does suggest, he is being accountable for his actions.
Mind you now, from what I have read,
this is how I see it in Gerry's case.
The Situation and circumstances differ for every addict.
But, anyhoo....
If an addict knows their finances,
may, will, or currently fuel their actions,
and that their actions drain their finances,
they are holding themselves accountable by being,
responsible enough to entrust their money to someone else.
Being an addict myself, I know from personal experience,
ONLY when an addict is serious or struggling to stay clean,
will we surrender our finances...at least temporarily,
because we KNOW when our actions are fighting against....
our stinking thinking!
The whole reason why I do not buy into....
Many addicts relapse because they use(subconsciously react)
before they are able to decide not to(consciously decide)
HOGWASH....BALONEY....BULLSH-T
I do not know how anyone can buy that sh-t,
let alone, peddle it to begin with.
Again, welcome to the site Gerry!
Peace, Love & Strength,
Lynn
_________________ If you can not stand for something, you will fall for everything
I believe too as a past addict a person who is trying to quit needs to figure out what to do in case of temptation. Whether it be talk to someone, exercise, pray, cut contacts, and surround themselves with people who care and want to help them remain sober.Practice makes perfect when I decided I wanted to quit I messed up a few times but got right back on track in my determination once a commitment was made. My mom states this with dieting she broke her diet but tommorow she will get back on it with a goal in mind. The stages it took was not overnight I messed up a few times but got right back on track telling my mind daily I am going to quit and I can do this. Mental talk for the drug that messes with the brain.
I agree with taking steps that prevent a person from messing up so putting his money in your hands is an admirable step. I use to do that too but the fact of the matter is that until I truely stayed commited to quiting I managed to get my check out of my grandmother (excuses that she figured out)but the feeling of guilt she would lay on me tackled some motivation for me to make serious realizations with out her knowing I was using I could deny waht I was doing and it helped me to hear her conversations and disapointment. SO in the end it was a benefit and enforcer for me. There is various factors that should be envolved in quiting, social, emotional and personal support for the will power and uplifting of your son's effort to quit.
Sorry, I have had company from the city for a while so have not been on the site until today. I'm telling you it sure does my heart good to get such wonderful responses from people I don't even know and can only imagine what you all are going thru. I will do this thing with the money until my son wants to take it over again. Right now I don't think that will be any time soon. But, you know what, so be it.
It's been good for him to see his bills being paid off. I want so much for him to get ahead. This is not a boy, he is almost 42.
I am so grateful that I have all of you to talk to,because you know some people don't want to hear about some other person's problems. I will keep you all informed about what is going on and in the meantime will pray for you all.
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welcome to the site. you sound like you are a truly caring and loving person, and moreso a good mom! it's amazing how much as parents and loved ones we want to help out; but in the end it seems by all our helping, we end up hurting them more.
