Hi everyone.
I will try to keep this short and to the point. My older brother has been living in my home for the past few months. I am married and have two small children.
He lost his apartment and vehicle about 2 years ago and has been living on and off with me and friends.
I have suspected for years that he was doing coke for the following reasons:
-the crowd he hangs out with are known to use coke.
-when he gets paid, his money is gone in a couple of days.
-people have told me that he is a "cokehead"
-and to be honest, there are many other reasons, that really aren't pertinant to my post.
Basically, I was in denial. In my heart I knew he was using, but I never had SOLID proof. Then, 2 days ago, I found some cocaine in the room where he sleeps. I was furious, mainly because if my children got their hands on it (they are both toddlers) who knows what could have happened. I feel totally disrespected that he would dare bring it into MY HOME.
I packed up all his clothes and told him he had to get out of my house. No excuses. I wanted to yell and scream but instead I kept my cool. I told him I love him and will get him help if he needs it. He is an addict and needs help.
Now I am feeling sick to my stomach because the person he is now living with is the biggest coke head and dealer in the area. What do I do? I can't keep enabeling him like I've been doing for the past couple of years. But I am scared he is going to die.
Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
Thanks.
Hold your ground. Be available to him to talk to, to find help getting into a treatment center when he is ready. It's OK to tell him your afraid for him, but the choice to use or not to use is his. You did the right thing. You can't put your children at risk.
My b/f was staying with his sister until he called a dealer from their home, and the dealers started calling back. Not OK.
I was scared my b/f would die too. His apartment became a crackhouse... but I wouldn't let him come back until he wanted to get treatment and that was temporary until he left the state to get treatment, and very restrictive, because of my need to protect myself from his addictive issues.
He did finally want help.
What you did was the biggest help that you could provide your brother. I know it doesn't feel that way, but he is running out options and he knows this. Has he ever talked about quitting? Wanting to etc?
You've found a good place for information and support. Keep reading. You will find many stories like your own, and information to help you understand his addiction.
Welcome to Cocainehelp.org
Peace and Strength. My prayers are with you.
-Jenni
I was having problems with my sisters use at or around my house as well. I can tell you I had to do the same thing in telling her she has to leave because my son is often here and the dangers for him is unacceptable. She ended up violating parole and having to go back to prison for six months and I am willing to open my doors to her again as long as she remains drug free, if she can't I will tell her of a rehab she can go to for up to two years for free and the guilt from her not being out on the street will not be there for me, as that could be her option it is her choice.
I believe Jenni, that I should have done what you wrote from day one but I gave her many chances in a month to start doing what is called cleaning up her act.
Very sound advice is to look into rehabs for your brother and although "it is not a fix all" it is a place where working towards sobriety is offered and it sure beatsliving on the street but if your brother choses to live with a dealer then his choice is to remain using. You can't possible tempt yourself by remaining with the crowd associated with drugs atleast not until you have cleaned up long enough that using is no longer tempting or there remains even a thought of using.
_________________ Your Admin, Gene. -=People who ask our advice almost never take it. Yet we should never refuse to give it, upon request, for it often helps us to see our own way more clearly. =-
This is such a wonderful site, full of great advice and helpful information. I spent another night tossing and turning, not sleeping b/c I am so worried.
Jenni asked if my brother has ever talked about quitting cocaine. The answer is no, because he has always lied to me about using. He is almost 40-years-old and has been using for 10 years. The past 5 years (since my father passed away) he has been using often and even was selling it for some time. I am the only one he has. Our father has passed, our mom won't talk to him (b/c of his "problems" as she calls it), and he has no real friends. All of his friends were there for him when he had money, they basically were using him. Now the only few friends he has are drug dealers and users, who could care less about his well being. So it is only me he has and I feel the weight of the world on my shoulders. I know he has to want help before he could get better. I just don't see that happening before it is too late. People say he has to hit rock bottom first, but trust me, he has hit it a couple times over the past couple of years.
Thanks again ~
Lil Sis. I do understand feeling that it is only you that he has. Many of us that come here feel that way. Put the weight where it belongs though...on his shoulders. These are his choices.
You can still be there for him, if and when he decides to make changes in his life. Until then, do your best not to enable him, but be as available as you can be to listen and if he is open to it, encourage him to choose another path. If he is not open to it, don't push. It won't help and may push him away.
Speaking for myself, I would tell him I know, so he might as well not lie about it. I would tell him, the choice is his, but if he ever wants to stop, that I am here for him, to listen and support him on that road as much as I can. Planting seeds. At least if you tell him that he will know where you stand. He will know you won't put up with him putting your family at risk. He will know that you love him and will be there for him when he decides to help himself. Educating yourself is important for your healing and your ability to help when the time comes. Embrace it and find comfort in your own healing. You are on your road.
Not much else you can do. Keep reading. We are listening.
Rock bottom is something we can't decide is rock bottom for someone else we maybe able to see that the place they are in now is the worst it can be as I kept believing that my sister hit rock bottom for many years and well she continues to use. What I am saying is don't get discouraged but try to explain to him as Jenni has said I can't tell you how much of a blessing Jenni is. She has been working with and talking to me for quite some time and is truely wonderful.
This is something hard to go through but what you don't want to ever do is let his actions weaken your stregnth and convictions. Guilt is a terrible thing to feel believe me I started out guilty lost it and found it so many times as I am speaking to you now. Continue to Offer advice and help to your brother and show him and tell him your feelings so that he knows he can come to you for help when he is ready to work on his acddiction and get help.
It is a shame that people considerd freinds turn out to just use and believe me everyone has to pay sooner or later for what they do to others. My heart is with you on your pain casue I can relate very much so.
It's been a couple of weeks since my brother has "moved out" of my home. I'm upset for a couple of selfish reasons.
1. He still hasn't apologized for bringing coke into my home. The same home where his 2 and 3 year-old neice and nephew reside.
2. He never said thank you to me for letting him live here for 4 months while he had no where to go.
He hasn't called at all until last saturday b/c my husband and I were having a party. He said he was on his way over, but he never showed up. I know he is alive only b/c he works with one of my friends.
So I guess my point is that I keep going back and forth with my emotions. At first I was mad, then I was scared for him, then I was sad. Now I am mad again. How can he just cut us off? We have done so much for him and he always preaches how important family is. My youngest is his Lord-daughter and he hasn't made any attempt to see or talk to her.
I have enough on my plate and I have to sit and woner/worry about him all day and night.
I pray so hard for him that I litterally shed tears.
I can't call him b/c the numer he calls from his private.
I am sad, angry and worried.
This sucks.
I can relate to you in more ways then one. It is hard to deal with the guilt either way. You worry about the person in your house and worry about if they are using drugs in your home or if they are going to steal from you or about getting your children taken away as I had worries for my four year old's sake and not just that but thier well being is at stake.
Then you worry and feel bad about where that person is in this world and if they will make it through another night. How will the street life affect them and who will they be staying will, are they safe..... so many worries.
I feel hurt and angry now too because after all I have done my sister is accussing me for turning her in to her parole officer. She blames me for her not being able to go to rehab and she has written a terrible letter about me and how I treated her so bad. I gave her an ultimate choice and before she got sent to prison I had to tell her to get out. (long story and I will not bore you will details).
I feel like you do I have done so much as well and it is all unoticed.
I don't know if I want the stress again that she brings and I too worry and will continue to worry so long as she doesn't get sober and clean up her life and get rid of the love of crack cocaine.
Anyways, from me to you.... stay strong and continue praying, I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers please do the same. I really can relate to you.I know how hard it is for me so I am sure you are going through the rollar coaster of emotions. Take care of yourself and talk to your brother about how you feel it may not motivate him to change his behaviors but letting him know you care and worry will help you ease the burden.
All I know is I had to witness what dragging his little brother’s cold blue and white body out of bed in the morning did to my best friend…
2 weeks before his 19th birthday he (the brother) had 12 beers and a speed ball…threw up and choked – he never woke up.
This was over ten years ago, but it seems like just yesterday I helped carry (the brother) to his final resting place.
His brother, my best friend, has never been the same since. Life has kinda slapped him. I’ve learned a few things in the last 12 or 15 years. Either you accept someone for all that they are, or you don’t. This doesn’t mean you can’t preach to them or help them, it just means you can’t “kinda” kick someone out of your life…
Some people think there is a grey area…I think there is not…either you kick ‘em out completely or you don’t.
I’m not a big advocate though…of kicking someone out of your life. When you go to the open casket funeral, there is always one last thing you wanted to say, if you are the kicking type.
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