had the demon in my head when i got home from work tonight,
like an self-interest person,,i rang my dealer who told me an hour.
decided that i wouldn't bother and i didn't
unfortunately,,i think it'll be back again tomorrow cos after tomorrow i have the day off work.
how does it get hold of you this way??
i think of all the negative things about this stuff,,but i still want it,,the addictive part of my mind is so strong it's hard to fight.
will hopefully get through this weekend without and then another week of not wanting will start untill next weekend comes again.
Stay tough...if possible turn the phone off. Myself and a friend agreed that keeping busy with something positive is the best thing to do. That old saying about idle hands is apparently true. 24 Days clean and I have to struggle everytime some money is put in my hands. Personally keep hoping tomorrow(s) will be the day that cocaine (powderhead here) doesn't mean anything to me. MASSIVE STRENGTH TO YA'...there's got to be a way outta' this maze!
Peace...Stephen...
_________________ chosing not to continue this madness
unfortunately it got the better of me,,what a waste of space i am,,i have a family i don't deserve.
i should be in a gutter somewhere with nothing,,thats all i deserve.
i'm such a weak person,,feel like running away and just hiding.
i'm so selfish to my family by keep doing this.
my wife doesn't realy understand this sh*t (bless her).
i am determined to do it though.
deleted my numbers,,but my mind is like good when it comes to numbers so how do i get them out of my brain.
only up side is my situation is nowhere near as bad as some peoples,,but to me it's bad enough.
Hey yello-
If you re-read your initial post on this thread you will see that you already knew that you were going to use.
You were pleased with yourself when you did not use on the 31st, but it seemed to be a fleeting moment of self respect, because you then immediately write that you will probably use the next day.
When you did use you write many negative things about yourself, so of course your use has reinforced all these horrible images of yourself that you have.
You are NOT a waste of space, you are someone with a drug addiction. Addicts are important people, they are spouses, children, aunts, uncles, friends. Addicts have people who love them and depend on them. To their loved ones they are certainly not a waste of space.
Negative feelings and thoughts about yourself will not help you defeat your enemy, they just give you reasons to rationalize why you continue to use.
You need to remember your responsibilities, your loved ones, your health, your life - and then you need to figure out how you can utilize all of the things that are important to you to help you stop using.
Perhaps you can pre-plan ways to avoid circumstances that put you at risk for using as you adjust to a life without drugs for a start.
You say your wife doesn't understand, what doesn't she understand? Or does she not know the extent of your use? Or is she in denial about all of this and she is choosing to not address it in the hopes that it will all just go away.
I hope you'll continue to post, and that you will receive some good advice from those who have been where you are now. I hope that you will continue to strive for sobriety.
Keep your head up man...we're all human. I've "quit" twice in the last year. Once about 90+ days and then 120 days only to start again more ferociously than before. The most important thing you can do is try again. Spare yourself the self loathing and focus on your chance to stop once and for all. My wife pretty much told me things were going to end between us (married 21+ years) once she realized that I was ruining my health and her and my son's life. So that is what I focus on when the desire hits. Everyday I want to say f*ck it and go get some but I've finally gotten the proper perspective on that there is no glory in my self-destruction. And my wife has been very supportive once she saw that I was giving it everything I had to turn my life around. If you're comfortable sharing details about your life, it might give us some ideas as to what sets you off and how to avoid another binge. Bringing your drug problem out of the shadows and into the real world can empower you in that it removes some of the mystique of using and shows you how your behavior is hurting the people who care for you the most. Sometimes I think about that "Bad-assed" car my old dealer is driving his crew around in and how much I helped him pay for it at my family's expence. 26 days clean here and gonna' beat this one day at a time if it takes the rest of my life...
Please try to stay in contact...things will get better if you'll make the effort.
Stephen...
_________________ chosing not to continue this madness
Bless You for continuiing to come and post, your story. How many people have avoided using that time, because they came here instead...or spent quality time with their family instead. You can do this. As Lucy and Stephen have stated, keep your focus where it needs to be to get yourself out of this. There are many words of wisdom on this site to help you find your way. Beating yourself will not lead you on that path, and you can't change the past, so move forward. That's all anyone can do is keep moving forward. Forgive yourself, so that you can.
thankyou all for your support,,the negative feelings seem to have subsided.
i WILL beat this,,i know i can,,just gotta be stronger in future,,what i mean by my sweetpea not understanding is,how it gets in your brain and takes over.
i don't smoke with anyone else or know anyone who does it.
i will write more but at the moment i gotta get back to work soon.
again thanks for your words of support,,glad i found this site.
Yello-Your use certainly isolates you from the world, and makes you feel bad about yourself. To be stronger in the future you need to put into work what motivates you not to use, what you can do instead of using, how you can cope with your life without putting a dangerous substance into your body that alters your brain chemicals. It all truly does come down to just saying no, and you need to line up the reinforcements you need to be able to say that one simple word, NO.
As for your wife, would it be of benefit to you and your recovery efforts to explain all that your use involves, what it does to you, how you crave it. Perhaps having the extra support from her could make all the difference.
I am glad your negative feelings have subsided and I hope that you are able to replace them with feelings of hope, feelings of renewed well being, and excitement for living a life without drugs.
Strength is important....being smart is more important. Planning ahead for pitfalls so you can avoid them, being open with your "Sweetpea", so that she can better understand what you are going through and how she can be supportive are all ways to be smart. Perhaps you can encourage her to educate herself about how the drug works on your brain, and that will help her to understand what is happening to you when you use and when you crave.
Ultimately you will have to say "No, I won't do it!" You can do it, and doing something else, talking to your wife about anything else...when you crave it is a good place to start. Remember isolating yourself can fuel things. Seeking out sober people and activities will help eventually....even if it is hard (maddening at first). Continued use doesn't make it go away. It only postpones....and not for very long eh?
once again,,thanx for you support,,i will post again next sunday to tell you all that i have had a clean weekend.and i mean that.
my sweetpea and my sons will be the driving force on my recovery.
i know i'm a good person and i know i can do this .
i feel that you lot will be a great inspiration to me and will help on my path to an enlightened life.
i am quite a spiritual person so also feel that i will receive support from my people in spirit as long as i ask for it and give in return.
once again thankyou
Hey yello-
If you re-read your initial post on this thread you will see that you already knew that you were going to use.
You were pleased with yourself when you did not use on the 31st, but it seemed to be a fleeting moment of self respect, because you then immediately write that you will probably use the next day.
When you did use you write many negative things about yourself, so of course your use has reinforced all these horrible images of yourself that you have.
Negative feelings and thoughts about yourself will not help you defeat your enemy, they just give you reasons to rationalize why you continue to use.
And there you have it!
Glad I held off....Kudos Lucy!
lucyb wrote:
You need to remember your responsibilities, your loved ones, your health, your life - and then you need to figure out how you can utilize all of the things that are important to you to help you stop using.
Perhaps you can pre-plan ways to avoid circumstances that put you at risk for using as you adjust to a life without drugs for a start.
yello6660 wrote:
the negative feelings seem to have subsided.
i WILL beat this,,i know i can,,just gotta be stronger in future,
This has nothing to do with your ability to beat this,
it's not a matter or question of...WILL you beat this,
it's a question of, do you have the WILLINGNESS to beat this.
Lucy...you should know by now....
addicts could care less about their responsibilities.
The ONLY reason motivating an addict to stop using
should be because they want to stop using....
the rest falls into place.
Peace
Lynn
_________________ If you can not stand for something, you will fall for everything
Com'on man dig in those heels...trust me quitting feels even better, just take a little longer to get there.
STRENGTH WHERE EVER YOU ARE TONIGHT!
...Stephen...
_________________ chosing not to continue this madness
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Peace...Stephen...
And there you have it!
