Today is your thirty days off heroin but you realized that you had smoked cracked a few days after you did your last hit of down
WHAT A B*TCH!! she won't settle for silver, she's going for gold. nichole, you told me that when you were home at xmas. i applaud your honesty. there are a few other items which i could post here which you told me which leave me no doubt that you are going for the jack pot. but i'll leave that for you tell.
you crack that home run, show them all.
you make me cry my friend,
keep it flowing,
i love you,
bill
_________________ I can embrace myself, hold my own hand, love me - but, I can't gaze into my own eyes and feel my own soul lift me up.
She was caught stealing from a local store but as a consequense had to take the chocolate bars back to the store and tell the manager what she had done.
I was just curious, as to why, she can go to a local store,
but, is restricted from going to the library and using the phone.
I mean, it seems kinda silly, they'll issue her
a 24 hr. pass to spend x-mas w/ her family,
yet, she can't use the phone or go to the library.
Which, I can't even understand why,
they would issue her a pass in the first place,
given the fact, not only had she been there a short time but,
she was sentenced to this recovery center by the courts, to begin with.
I mean, had she stayed locked up,
would she had been able to leave for 24 hrs. to be with her family?
Also, I was wondering about something else.
This 3 1/2 years clean time you mention.
Would the year spent locked up,
the following year spent at this recovery house,
and the following year, after that, spent in Greece,
account for the 3 years you were clean?
_________________ If you can not stand for something, you will fall for everything
The Pass that Nichole got was approved by the courts. She had written permission to enter the city for the time she was away. As far as permission to go to the store, yes Nichole was allowed to go with three other women the two block walk to the store and as a result of her behaviour is now not allowed to go to a library. Had she not done what she did perhaps by now we would let her go to the library with two or three other women.
As far as my clean time, NO my time in jail does not count. Are you kidding, in the joint one of my pursuits was finding the ways and means to get and use. I even managed to work in the flower shop in OLU at BCCW and bleed the poppies. So no, jail was not part of my clean time. Greece on the other hand, was. I was already clean for two years when I went to Greece. I could not help that my father was dying. It was my duty as the only daughter to go and care for him. Believe me there was plenty of drugs in Greece and there is a huge drug problem in that country. I did not smoke a joint have a drink or take any of my fathers meds. I stayed clean. I managed to stay clean for another 6 months after coming back to Canada. It was then that I screwed up. I ended up in detox once again then in recovery for 3 months. I did not listen to the advice of the counsellors. They told me not to go back and care for my father again that I would end up the same way. I lasted about two months that time before I got loaded again. The counsellors were right. They knew me and still know me better than I know myself. I stayed out from last December until my father died in early March 2007. My clean date is March 14 2007. This time I stayed at the recovery house until they told me I was ready to leave. I trust the process. I live my life one day at a time and I know how easy it is to lose it all and kick yourself for doing it. I love being clean today. I laugh until I cry. I cry because I hurt. I can admit when I am wrong and that is often. I am obnoxious but my friends love me anyways. I can be a real B*tch if I have to be. Mostly I am a huge mush head and can be a very loving and loyal friend. I have a lot of normie friends that have been in my life for over 25 years and even old using friends who are clean today that have been in my life for 25 years. I believe to have a good friend you must be a good friend.
If you want to know anything else please feel free to ask.
Hey just a message about Nichole. I saw her yesterday (the 2nd) and she wanted me to let you all know what is going on for her. She is struggling right now. Yup she's having a hard time. She's got a pick-a-day which she is not too happy about. For those who don't know what a pick-a-day is in rehab, well it means Nichole has to do everyone's chores for an entire day. She is not the first. There are girls at the recovery house that have had back to back pick-a-days. Generally you get one by having three infractions within a month. If you can get through the month with only two they get erased and you start with a clean slate. Anyhow, smoking on the deck, not doing your chore, waking up late, swearing at the staff, not making your bed, not cleaning your room, that kind of stuff will get you a pick-a-day. Well Nichole got one and if it was up to me I would argue on her behalf against the last checkmark because she had a bloody good reason to be using the phone even though she was on restriction. She had to reach her lawyer about her leg. I was over ruled. Plus someone got something stolen and of course they accused Nichole and she swore to me she didn't do it. I believe her. She is very hurt. She is seeing the effects that her old behaviours have on people. She doesn't like it. She is having a hard time writing her last 90 days. SHE'LL NEVER GET OFF RESTRICTION!!!! Oh Nichole =( Anyhow she wanted me to let everyone know that as uneasy and sad and pissed off as she feels and as unfair as this bloody pick-a-day is, she'll do it and she will stay clean and she is not running and dammitoneofusisgoingtohelpherwithherlast90daysifitkillshertoask!!!!!
SO THERE!
If you want to know anything else please feel free to ask.
Well Anastasia, not only do I appreciate,
your willingness to answer my questions,
without biting my head off for asking them,
but, I must applaud you for your *fact of the matter*,
approach to addressing jail and your clean time.
excrackerjack wrote:
As far as my clean time, NO my time in jail does not count.
Are you kidding, in the joint one of my pursuits
was finding the ways and means to get and use.
I couldn't help but chuckle.
Not because I thought it was funny....
as if, there was anything funny about it but,
because to me, that was honestly, keeping it real.
So, for that, Thank you.
There are other things you have written,
that I would like to address and comment on but,
I think it would be best to get your own thread started,
so as, not to deflect from or derail Nichole's thread.
Anyhoo...Regarding your update on Nichole.
If anyone can relate to,
what I'm about to say and where I'm coming from...
I would think, it should be you.
In all actuality and contrary to belief,
I am not a pessimist when it comes to recovery.
I am a realist, who is realistic when it comes to recovery.
My views regarding addiction & recovery,
are not being cynical because I choose to see,
the worst in everything instead of the silver lining.
My views regarding addiction & recovery,
are because I choose to be logical and realistic.
I'm not sitting around and waiting until someone falls,
nor, waiting around until failed expectations are fulfilled,
simply because I am a cynical downer, like always.
I sit around and wait for someone to fall,
because I logically expect what I can already see.
I draw my views from not only,
what is said but, what is not said.
Frankly Anastasia, the latest update you provided us with,
finally sounds along the lines of what I expect to hear.
It is not that I would rather be pessimistic,
instead of optimistic, in matters pertaining to,
Nichole and the journey of recovery....
but, given all that I do know,
regardless, of the things I do not know,
that one may feel, is another reason for optimism....
logically and realistically, I can only be adamant.
Knowing firsthand myself, having spent 2 months,
at a treatment facility, in the Prenatal unit...
it's hard enough to deal with drying out, let alone,
now having responsibilities and rules that one must follow!
The only reason I checked myself in was,
because I didn't want to go to jail for,
giving birth to a baby which tests positive for drugs.
Seeing how I wouldn't dare,
spend part of a day at an abortion clinic,
and waste any of my precious high time,
let alone, waste any of my crack money.
I mean, I'm so sure that, sooner or later,
I would surely have a d-mn miscarriage.
WRONG!
Anyway...After 1 month, I decided I was going to leave.
I'll be fine, blah, blah, blah.
Yea, right....
The VERY next day, while my father was at work,
I took his jar of change, cashed it at the bank,
and was in the hood looking to score.
I'm 7 1/2 months pregnant,
hadn't even been home for 24 hrs.,
cashing my dad's change and out buying sh-t.
I was back with the other girls, later that night.
It is because I am able to quit,
that I am able to know, I want to use.
Peace
Lynn
_________________ If you can not stand for something, you will fall for everything
i believe her as well. sure, there were numerous times when nichole, had done things in or out of this house which i disapproved of. things which had cost me both time and money and caused me considerable stress. but by the same measure, she'd quite often do things that you'd expect from any person whose nature was to be friendly, caring and loving towards another.
sometimes she'd lie right to my face about her wrong doings and other times she'd come forward about something i was not even yet aware of. she was unpredictable, but this was something i'd learned to live with until, i could no longer deal with her addiction.
even in the worst of her moments, i've known nichole to extend herself and help out another who was in need. tho, i'd berate nichole many times for shoplifting, i understood where the behaviour derived from. i don't see her in a position right now where the learned traits of survival on the street are neccasary.
i think she's better able to weigh out the negativity of such actions and the impact it has on writing her 90 days. nichole is not a person who is without honesty and given the chance to behave in an acceptable manner, she can and will do it. drugs take that ability away from any one of us and strips us of the good qualities that our loved ones remenice about.
nichole is coming back into a place she has long been absent from and working hard to get there. she has such a long way to go, but i feel she has come far enough that it would hurt her more to lie about the accusation against her, than the accusation itself.
so yes, i believe her as well.
Quote:
In all actuality and contrary to belief,
I am not a pessimist when it comes to recovery.
I am a realist, who is realistic when it comes to recovery.
lynn,
i am totally aware of that and have come to appreciate your realist approach to addiction. i simply felt you were jumping the gun as you'd not yet heard anything which has become so predictable to some of us who know better.
ya, i know, i lost my head in responding to you, but don't you kind of go that way too at times.
love,
bill
_________________ I can embrace myself, hold my own hand, love me - but, I can't gaze into my own eyes and feel my own soul lift me up.
I sit around and wait for someone to fall,
because I logically expect what I can already see.
And I thought I was the psychic LOL! Lynn I know how hard it is to stay clean. My attitude is "expect the worst, hope for the best and anything you get is a bonus" if she falls she falls and hopefully we are there to catch her with love and kindness. I just know that once you have some recovery in you there is nothing worse than a head full of recovery and a body full of dope. It doesn't work. Right now Nichole is getting a head full of recovery. Nothing not even dope can take that away from her.
NOW!! Speaking about that B#@*&^TCH Nichole anyway, just who does she think she is?? I went to the house for a few hours today to go lend a helping hand as I like to do when my job permits me to and what do you think Nichole had done now?.......
Well....... she had the nerve to actually get out of her pick-a-day!!!! With out my help! I hate her I hate her I hate her. How does she do it? Master manipulator? Got a monitor to erase an x and make the daytime staff think they are crazy? Nope. She sat down and plead her case calmly in the office and after having her side listened to and verified by two other women seperately, it was decided that she did not have to do the pick-a-day. So then I told Nichole that since I had a couple of hours to spare, why don't we work on her last 90 days. You want to know what the twit said to me???? She said "well I stayed up crying most of the night and wrote most of it. I am almost done. But I'll read it to you and you can help me 'tweek' it" FINE THEN I will just help you "tweek" it then Miss Nicky. What a cow!!!
Anyhow I read over her last 90 and she has a awesome start. I helped her a wee bit but she get all the credit for the work. She was bloody smiling today and happy. What is wrong with this picture? She is up and down like a ho's drawers. This evening when I stopped by she was in an in house NA meeting. I love this girl to death.
I know how many fail. I know how many die. But while they are succeeding it warms my heart. There are 18 women there and about 10 of them mean alot to me. Nichole is one of them. In those ten the clean time ranges from 7 months to 3 weeks. I would do anything for anyone of them. Some of those girls have relapsed and come back. Very recently a girl who had the same clean date as me who came into the house when I did phoned me, I asked her how she was and she told me she was in a shelter waiting to go to some recovery house. She said she had fATcked up. I told her to just come home and she did. It made me so happy today to see Nichole welcoming and hanging with my old friend. The thing about recovery is you may lose your clean date but you never lose your clean time. Once you have recovery in you no one can take it away.
PS and about that stealing thing Nichole was accused of.... Now it seems that a few members of her support group felt the need to clear that up in feelings check this morning too. Nichole was no where near the said stolen item at the said time in the said room. This was again verified my her loving support group and she was appologized to by the hysterical woman who assumed and jumped to conclusions about our dear Nichole.... GAG Me Now....Please!!!
NOW!! Speaking about that B#@*&^TCH Nichole anyway, just who does she think she is??
well, let's see. a daughter, a granddaughter, a sister, a close friend, a young woman who wants to get the most out of her life, a person who believes in finishing what she starts and doing it right, a person who believes in
themself and those that believe in her.
it is really incredable to hear of nichole taking her life into her own hands with such positive energy. i know she is eager to get that ninety days and i don't think it will stop there. relapse is a reality, the potential is always there, but it doesn't mean it needs to happen. i can't predict what will happen when and if nichole returns to vancouver, but i do know that i will be the first to attend n.a. meetings with her as i believe the meetings are essential for her to continue being in the company of those who will be crucial in helping her maintain her sobriety.
this town gives me the creeps when i think of all the pitfalls that can cause an addict in early recovery to fall. i have been down to the drive a few times over these last couple of weeks and i've noticed it seems to a cleaned up quite a bit. i just haven't felt the presence of the drug there as much as i used too. i don't know if it's just me or that it actually has cleaned up or a combination of the two. now and then i spotted persons whom i know to have had contact with nichole. two of those people i have approached and let them know that nichole is in recovery and doing well. i asked them to keep this in mind the next time they see her.
i can't stop nichole from being subject to the temptations but i can give her my support. going to n.a. meeting might not be such a bad ideal for myself either.
anyway, anastatia, please give that girl a hug for me and tell her i am so proud of her. also, tell her that i'd been keeping her dad updated about this thread and that he says he believes in her as well. he has asked me for the site address and intends to come on board as well to offer his support for his daughter. we will both be attending her ninety days.
bill
_________________ I can embrace myself, hold my own hand, love me - but, I can't gaze into my own eyes and feel my own soul lift me up.
Well Hi Everybody!
I'm back I'm alive and I am CLEAN!! I am so grateful for Bill showing me the way to this site and for having the patience and faith in me. I used to be so scared to come on line and share what I was feeling or thinking. Today I realize I was mostly just ashamed of who I had become and where my addiction was and had taken me and how much I was hurting the people I love. Today I am learning so much about myself it is scarey. I am learning how to share it and that it takes an enormous weight off of my shoulders when I do share my feelings. I have learned that I am only as sick as my secrets and that I have to trust the process I am going through. I came into recovery kicking and screaming but today I stay willingly. I have also learned that my willingness and my surrender will also help me in the recovery process.
I want to also thank Lynn for kicking my butt. If it wasn't for her tough love and her challenging Bill's faith in me I don't know if I would be here today trying to prove her wrong.
All in all I just want to say I am more comfortable coming to this site now and being in my own skin. I would also like to say to anyone else out there who is struggling with their own addiction like I have and I do. Just don't give up. I never thought I could imagine a day in my life without dope. I always wished for it hoped for it but I never believed I could really make it happen. Today I have hope and know that anything is possible if I choose to apply myself. There are people just like me and you recovering and caring and understanding. The struggle is worth it.
I will be back as soon as I can get to the library again. As you can all see I am off restrictions. I have written my last 90 days which I will soon post and no I did not get a pick-a-day and because it is a new month I have no check marks so I have a clean slate. HA
i took a wrong turn
and i ain't lookin" back
tomorrow's not holdin'
me to my past,
why should i be
wasting time,
stretching a quarter
from a dime,
when i gotta penny
stock in you,
that'll pay all my
accounts due,
i don't know where
i'll go when i'm gone
but i won't be burdened
by all my wrongs,
i placed my bets
on you to show,
that i am worthy
of a soul.
so i'll not fear
what i've yet to see,
your freedom found
has set me free,
don't feel a debt
for what you can't give
the price of love
is to learn to forgive,
i'll always know you
by your name,
friendship between us
will forever remain.
postscript:
sometimes, the act of giving requires great sacrifice, almost beyond what the human mind is able to comprehend. to continue giving, over and over and over, while your physical and emotional strength weakens you to a point of anonymity, amongst the living; you can only find solice in faith.
if you follow faith and faith shows itself to you then you are rewarded with something the world (real) amd all its commodities can not provide. imagine unwrapping a gift that money can not buy.
_________________ I can embrace myself, hold my own hand, love me - but, I can't gaze into my own eyes and feel my own soul lift me up.
I used to be so scared to come on line and share what I was feeling or thinking. Today I realize I was mostly just ashamed of who I had become and where my addiction was and had taken me and how much I was hurting the people I love.
Nichole...I am not sure you realize,
how powerful of a statement this is.
It is true that, knowledge is power,
but, that power is either....
good and productive or bad and destructive.
One persons truth is seen by another as misconception.
After all, truth is a matter of opinion.
WhoIsNickyNow? wrote:
Today I am learning so much about myself it is scarey. I am learning how to share it and that it takes an enormous weight off of my shoulders when I do share my feelings. I have learned that I am only as sick as my secrets and that I have to trust the process I am going through.
Guilt and shame keeps more addicts in addiction,
then any itch to use or high to chase beckons them.
Unless you can forgive yourself, whether or not anyone else does,
you will never be able to put those things behind you.
Listen to me when I say....
You do not have to relive your battle,
in order to claim your victory!
Your recovery is not dependent upon,
the forgiveness of others but, of yourself.
You can not undo the past but,
that does not mean you must stay chained to the past.
What's done is done.
Yesterday is not today and today is not tomorrow.
It is what it is.
Do not make the mistake of,
wandering aimlessly in the shames of yesterday...
nor, make the mistake of discounting,
those who choose to wander in those yesterday's.
Recovery and sobriety is more then not using anymore.
Recovery and sobriety has to do with,
the very things that made us addicts in the first place.
Attitude, mentality, values and what we hold in regard.
We can not change what we do,
unless and until, we change how we view what we do.
WhoIsNickyNow? wrote:
I came into recovery kicking and screaming but today I stay willingly. I have also learned that my willingness and my surrender will also help me in the recovery process.
Darling, the first thing your sobriety depends on,
is your willingness to say no to drugs.
The second thing your sobriety depends on,
is your ability to recognize your addict thinking.
Which is where attitude and mentality come into play.
Right now, it doesn't matter what you think,
as much as it matter's, whose doing the thinking.
I have no doubt you went in kicking and screaming,
but, I doubt your willingness is to stay but, rather,
a willingness to finish out your 3 month sentence.
Make the best of it, if ya can't beat 'um, join 'um.
The thing is though...that's o.k.
Because, ya know what?
Using will never be the same.
Once the seed is planted, that's it.
Whether or not it blossoms, it stays planted.
WhoIsNickyNow? wrote:
I want to also thank Lynn for kicking my butt. If it wasn't for her tough love and her challenging Bill's faith in me I don't know if I would be here today trying to prove her wrong.
Remember what I said Nichole.
Whose doing the thinking?
Who chose the recovery home....
You or the courts?
Where would you rather be....
there or jail?
If you are motivated to prove me wrong,
then you're not motivated by your own goals,
without having to prove a d-mn thing to anyone.
It doesn't matter who has faith in you.
It matters that you have faith in yourself.
Knowing what you want deep inside,
and what you are willing to do to achieve that.
Your sobriety can depend on other's but,
it can not be dependent upon others!
WhoIsNickyNow? wrote:
I never thought I could imagine a day in my life without dope.
I know exactly where you're coming from.
It's amazing, isn't it!?
Like I said....
once the seed of recovery has been planted,
using is never the same again.
Heavenly Father,
Thank you for creating the circumstances,
which planted the seed of recovery for Nichole.
May her paths not only lead her to recovery,
but, lead her into Your loving presence.
In the Precious name of Jesus, Thank You Heavenly Father!
Peace, Love & Strength
Lynn
_________________ If you can not stand for something, you will fall for everything
You are so amazing with words. Thank you for those words even if i don't have an addiction to overcome but it definately will help me in my personal issues. Love you girl
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