hey girl,
i've heard that your recovery is causing you tears. let them flow. they are just diamonds on your cheek. a healthy investment towards a happy future.
bill
_________________ I can embrace myself, hold my own hand, love me - but, I can't gaze into my own eyes and feel my own soul lift me up.
I saw Nichole today. She is doing well. Yes the realizations about herself are painful. She also realizes she cannot change her past. What is done is done. She never has to live that way again. She is purging herself of all the secrets that have kept her sick. She is only as sick as her secrets. Nichole I am so honoured to be a part of your recovery. I am honoured that you share your pain with me. I love you kiddo.
PS I'm bringing her to the big city on Saturday Bill. Can you call me about the drug court thing. I think I need some paperwork to cross into her "no go" area. I have one day to get it from Drug Court and I may be able to pick it up tomorrow as I'll be in town for accupuncture.
Love Ya both
Ciao 4 Now
Tas
this whole town is her, 'no go area' as far as i'm concerned. however, i will be dropping by the drug court on my way out to work and pick up the papers. they will be available for you, only, if you can guess the secret password. (HINT: has to do with nichole and an emotion you feel towards her, which is an emotion i feel towards her as well. it starts with "i" and ends with "e'.
have a safe trip in. the both of you.
love. bill
_________________ I can embrace myself, hold my own hand, love me - but, I can't gaze into my own eyes and feel my own soul lift me up.
i'll be meeting up with nichole about noon today. i'm so looking forward to seeing her. as it stands her sister is working until 5 pm and i until 6 pm. i was concerned about nichole having free time on her hands while alone. solution: put the brat to work.
nichole can come in and work the afternoon with me. double deal for us both. i'm short staffed, she can earn some cash money and we can catch up on things while getting some work done. hope she brings some work pants. if not, i have a pair of track pants she can wear. the pair that doesn't yet have the painted hand print on the *ss cheek.
we'll probably go for dinner tonight and then her sister plans on taking nichole to watch a movie. wow!, when was the last time nichole ever went and watched a movie i wonder? she'll just love the confection stand i'm sure.
tomorrow we'll have the day together and probably catch up on the site, before i drive her back up to mission.
nichole, you have a wonderful time down here.
love you,
bill
_________________ I can embrace myself, hold my own hand, love me - but, I can't gaze into my own eyes and feel my own soul lift me up.
It's 12:30 Bill is late. We are feeling conspicuous parked at the Chevron in an Escalade waiting for Bill to show up. I feel like the old days I'm waiting to pick up. I am in my old war zone. Nichole and I have both used across the street behind the 711 and we try not to drugalogue. Shite actually I feel like the dealer waiting for the junkie to come and pick up and Nichole is the dope. Finally Bill shows up in his beat up white van (I love it) he parks as far away from us as possible and we all get out to do the deal. Hi Bill! Nichole you got your paperwork? Yup Yup. You're gonna behave right? Yup Yup> Do you need my steal toe gum boots? Bill will she need steal toe gum boots? No.
Fuq Q.
Fuq Q 2
We all hug the deal is done and we part company.
The Q thing is an ongoig cyber scrabble battle between Bill and myself where he rants and raves as only Bill can do about my use of the letter Q in a word and then he proceeds to build off my bloody Q .
Then writes a word like doily..... DOILY!!!
Anyway I hope all is well with you too. Nichole I know you plan to write your last ninety days on here tomorrow and I look forward to it. Stay safe.
Love Ya'll
PS Bill you are much more handsome in person. Your pictures do not do you justice. The truth of your spirit and kind soul truly shine through your mischievious eyes in person.
Hi it's me nichole. I'm in vancouver at bills house. He's changed his house a bit this was nice to see. Tasi and her friend, the one I cleaned an old farm house for, drove me out to vancouver. At first it was not a big thing. Until I noticed the beautiful sunset, the colors were so "BEAUTFUL SPIRITUALLY", I felt closer with G0D. The diamond tears rolled down my cheeks. I then turned to bill and asked if he would drive me downtown, main and haistings, where life was once very rough for me, trapping my self into addiction. I did not notice how beautiful the world was back then. Today I know and see the world for the part of G0DS beautiful creation it really is. I felt free, free for once in my life to breath, walk and see what I wanted. Before in addiction I was always trapped, needing more; I had to stay close to the connection. I had trouble breathing. I felt as if I could not breath with out the drug.Today, I feel free to think and feel, something I was always numb to before.
I gave bill his step 1; hoping he will put it to use. I do want to be there for bill when it is needed, but (THE WORD EVERYONE HATES), while i know that bill means the world to me and that i do love him, i am not in love with him and I find at times he spends too much time hoping for that. I do know this bill and I will never forget all you have done for me. I've come a long way with the help of you and a few others. I asked you to try recovery because its all about you. I'm in a recovery center to work on me. I also have this site, which does include you. But I love to see you put your self first. Remember "our self" is most important. I'm getting a ride to my sister's from a friend that i am comfortable around, but not yet ready to visit for too long especially in his home due to the fact I have used in his home before.
talk to ya's tomorrow,
love, nichole
Last edited by WhoIsNickyNow? on Feb 04, 2008 - 12:18 AM; edited 1 time in total
Until I noticed the beautful sunset, the colors were so "BEAUTFUL SPIRITUALLY", I felt closer with G0D.
one of lifes gifted moments, in my opinion. we were driving across the second narrows bridge. i happened to comment about the beautiful red sunset. i knew she was looking at it, how could you not, unless you were shackled to drugs. i didn't anticipate what happened next, nor did i know how to immediately respond. her voice was so choked, that at first i didn't understand what was wrong. when i looked back at her, her face was soaked with tears. she repeated that she wanted me to drive her downtown, main and hastings; that she wanted to see why she never wanted to go back there. i was quiet for a moment, not sure how to respond. i knew this was a pull, but not sure if it was for the good or the bad.
we crossed over the bridge and drove several more blocks with hastings street looming just ahead. i asked her then if this was what she really wanted to do. she said yes. so i made a right turn on hastings and we held hands. i drove slowly. i told her, nothing ever changes, until it changes. i told her, she never has to go back here again.
nichole, your opening paragraph of your post above, is all that i need to know to be reassured that you have broken yourself free. i wish you nothing but strength, happiness and peace from here on.
Quote:
Today I know and see the world for the part of G0DS beautiful creation it really is.
why do i keep getting sucked further into this G0D thing every day? yes, nichole, it's all there as it should be. it's all there for you to acknowledge, you just need to be available to see it.
Quote:
Today, I feel free to think and feel, something I was always numb to before.
today you live.
Quote:
I do want to be there for bill when it is needed, (but) THE WORD EVERYONE HATES, while i know that bill means the world to me and that i do love him, i am not in love with him and I find at times he spends too much time hoping for that.
(for the interest of the reader, nichole left my place tonight, asking that i submit her post. so after she left, i read this. at first i was not going to post it. i was going to let her do it herself, tomorrow, when she returns to my place. i shut the computer off, went and grabbed a beer, threw my feet up against the fireplace and thought. i do a lot of that; thought. eventually, i decided, i needed to suck up the reality, that some things just weren't meant to be. so i fired up the computer and edited the spelling mistakes in her post.)
nichole, you are improving on your spelling, tho you still have a ways to go. you still had about thirty errors. but that is trivial, really. the more important thing here is that you are making the effort to share, knowing that this is fundemental to your recovery.
yes, i did fall in love with you, and probably a good thing, as no one else might have brought you this far in spite of the pain. if one is to think that my heart is broken because you can not give to me what it is i seek, they are wrong. i only gave you what you should expect from any man who truly loves you. all i seek, is too be understood. so please, do not tell me. or wish for me that i should find myself in love. i've had my share of that and it never worked. i suspect the reasons it never worked for me was so that i could be there for someone when it mattered the most. and i believe you are that someone.
i am not pained, nichole, by hearing that you are not in love with me. how could i be? you have given me the opportunity to love with no strings attached. i am more proud of you for putting your feelings about me out on this forum for me to deal with. FAITH, TRUST, FRIENDSHIP.
i want you to go and find happiness. live your life. be the woman you want to be, the woman you can be.
i might disappear. but you know in your heart, that if you truly need me to pick you up, should you fall, that you will find me. that is why, we are. nothing else.
i believe, nichole, is doing her recovery, for herself, and no one else. that is where her success will lie.
as for me? i want to go fishing. that's where i'll come up with a lie!
flaggin
_________________ I can embrace myself, hold my own hand, love me - but, I can't gaze into my own eyes and feel my own soul lift me up.
Last edited by flaggin on Feb 03, 2008 - 11:11 AM; edited 2 times in total
While I was still in my addiction, I did many different things to support myself. I sold drugs, I traded sex, which felt belittling, and dirty, I felt like everyone looked down on me, and talked about me; besides I was 'only' a working girl. I conned and manipulated people and stole from even my closest friends. I did anything to get that next hoot or fix. This only hurt me and the ones I cared for even more. I would stay up for days trying to come up with just the amount of money needed to support my heroin habit, then I would be exhausted and end up in a state of psychosis. Then all I'd want to do is rest for a few days at home where I was living with my friend, Bill. It just seemed like I was never able to get enough with out the continuous urge for a bigger and better high, which never seemed to come.
I did whatever it took to get the drug to feed the pain that the heroin was causing to my body. Because of this I felt so guilty and ashamed of myself. I was a thief and I hated myself for this but i could not stop and this became an addiction as well. More and more, I found myself stealing small things such as clothing candy or food and this always increased my chances of being caught and going to jail. I was extremely scared of loosing my freedom and each time I stole, it was like walking into quicksand where eventually I would sink.
I found myself lying to security guards about my name in order to avoid jail. This can only work for so long. Soon, my lying only brought on more feelings of immense shame and embarrassment.
One night, I found myself wandering the streets, unsure of what to do or where to go. I was spotted by some police in an undercover car, while I was 'tweaking' a bag of clothes for money or anything I could find. What an embarrassment that was. I began to shake and stutter as they asked what I was doing and who I was.
Once again, I spelled out my sisters name, fearing my warrant that I knew would eventually catch up to me. What a relief, when they said I was free to go after running my sisters name, which was surprising, considering every cop knew me and I was only across the alley from my red zone, Because I told them, I was my sister and would be heading downtown, I decided to cross my red zone to head towards the skytrain which will take me into the downtown. I was so scared to be caught in that red zone, especially after lying about my name. I begain walking and before I knew it they turned their lights and sirens on. I went into a state of shock knowing what was soon to come, Knowing I would be on my way to jail. Shock was quickly replaced by depression thinking of where I'd end up. Locked away in a rough, cold, small place, where all I could look forward to was the dope sickness which would soon come. Everything from the sh*ts, vomiting, chills, hot and cold flashes, weakness, restless days and nights, tossing and turning the entire time, craving, nightmares, crazy nightmares. I never forgot the heroin withdrawal.
I become so very lonely and tired, while locked up in this 20 by 20 room where my additction always brought me. All I ever got from these rooms were a great deal of disappointment, hurt, and pain, both inside and out. I was sooooooooooooooooooo ashamed of the person I had become. I was no daughter, sister, cousin, or even friend to anyone. All I was, was 100 percent worn out. I missed ME!! Someone I hardly remembered anymore. Gone, was the daughter and sister, who loved, ART and CRAFTS and KIDS and SPORTS and helping others. Gone was this girl who loved to 'love herself' in every way imaginable. Gone was the person who loved to have fun with anyone, anywhere; always turning everything into something fun or playing jokes on people. I missed family.
I also knew that some of my family also had their own problems with drug addiction. I know now that working on my recovery will help build who I am, and may also help open the eyes of my family and friends to hopefully take action themselves. Whether it be for their own recovery or maybe to become the mother and father they were meant to be and could become. I'm thankful I joined drug court and I'm thankful too for hitting my rock bottems because without them I would not be where I am today at this house called Mending Spirits. It is here, where I have also discovered N.A., spirituality, love for myself and all that we have in life. In discovering my feelings once again and learning I can never change the/my past, I'v also learned to build upon and change my strengths and weeknesses. Sometimes, I learn on my own or with the help of my support group in recovery and also from this site. It's also very important to work on my boundaries. I know this is very important for me.
I hope that anyone reading my 90 day assignment understands how painful it was for me to put this to paper.these are my feelings and no-one knows them better than me.
This is one of the many assignments that my recovery house has asked us to write. I read this and the poem I posted above if and when I feel like returning to drugs or the life that comes with it. along with many other things it's a great idea for anyone, to just write about your feelings and your actions as they happened in the last 90 days or so while still using drugs.
Nichole,
I don't know how our friendship really got started. Somewhere somehow oneday something changed. I'm not sure if it was just before that first welfare day when I called you into the office and told you I had heard you were planning on leaving and that you were going to take someone with you. That you has used dope in the house the very first day you arrived and I was putting it all out on the table. I told you that day that this wasn't a prison and that you did not have to wait until welfare day, you could leave now. You started crying. You told me you didn't want to leave. I asked you if you used dope in the house and you told me the truth. That you had brought dope with you the day you arrived, you smoked it out back in a cigarette and you thought about giving some to another girl but didn't. You cried and cried and told me you really didn't want to leave.
Something that day made me believe in you made me believe you really wanted to change your life and get recovery. Then I came to love you. Now you are very dear to me. You have worked for one of my biggest clients and they like your work. I am afraid you will hurt me. I have been hurt so many times when I give my heart to yet another recovering addict. I am vulnerable and I only invest my time in those who are investing their time in their recovery too. You are doing that right now. I'm with you kiddo. It's a rough ride and those tears keep falling. I am so glad you keep talking and talking about those feelings with me. We have been jumping the gun a bit talking about step four lately but I want you to know what to be prepared for, because when you make it through that you will be flying and I want to be there to see you fly.
Keep up the good work Nichole, you are my friend, my sister, my support group and a good sponcee.
Love you Nic
XOXO
Tas
I felt like everyone looked down on me, and talked about me;
i never, ever, looked down on you nichole. despite the obvious, i only saw in you, what my heart wanted to see. i never felt that i was any better or worse, the person that you were. i only saw in you, the fear, the loneliness and the hunger and tried to give you comfort and sanctuary as best i could.
i lent an ear as often as i could and listened to your words in an attempt to understand where you'd come from, where you might want to be going. always, i defended your actions against the accusations of others; believing that somewhere deep inside this person was a beuatiful and caring soul, that somehow, someday would find itself set free.
you hurt me time and time again. drawing me close to your heart and then pushing me back again.
yes, it's true, what you said the other day. i do smile alot in your presence. you give me reason to smile.
when you told me that you do want to make the trip back east to visit my dad; that you wanted to be there for and with my sons and i, i knew then, that i truly am not alone. today, i can be assured that my reason for helping you out of a bad situation that first time we met, was probably the best decision i ever made in my life.
i can't do everything with you but i can do what is meant to be and for that i am grateful. i like the way you are seeing the world again, for the first time in a long time. i like the way that you are putting your trust in both tasi and i, to help guide you towards making the right decisions for yourself. i like the way you are putting your trust and faith into the hands of 'your higher power'.
i will always be there for you nichole, just as i know you will always be there for me.
love,
bill
p.s.
sweety,
i really appreciate how when you come to the house here every few weeks that you make a point of cleaning out my fridge for me. yes, it's true; i don't heed expiry dates the way some people do. yes, it doesn't make sense to have the fridge full of things which i will not use (because they are beyond use)
but do you remember that big sandwich that was sat in the bottom of the fridge, the one that i said had been sitting there for the past 5 or 6 weeks. the one that had been developing some really wicked green mould on it, the one that i thought was showing some real potential for sale on ebay. you threw it out with the rest of the mouldy stuff. why? nichole, that sandwich was an investment towards yours and my future.
oh girl! you sure do drive me crasy at times. what will i do with you
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