Post subject: What type of help to seek/should I leave?
Hi, New to the board.
My husband is a recovering crack addict. We've known each other for 13 years and been married for 6 yrs. We have three young children. My husband didn't have a great childhood, in fact his parents were emotionally neglectful who struggled with their own addictions with alcohol. When I first met him, he would do just about any drug, but after his parents died within 8 months of each other he cleaned up quickly. It was during this time that we started our relationship (beyond friendship). Occassionally he would smoke pot and drink a little, but there was nothing (at least not around me) beyond these substances. Smoking pot bothered me, but as he did it once every now and then, I let it slide as one of those nagging things. Over the course of our 6 yr marriage its been full of life change stress. Three kids, caring for my terminally ill father, job stress, financial stress, buying a home and renovating it, finishing my degree, etc. I've put on a huge amount of weight, and over the last year and 1/2, he has started smoking crack (something he claims he last did after his parents died). It isn't something he does every day or once a week, but once every few months he takes off and then doesn't come back for a day or two. He usually blows a bunch of money (that we really need) and then comes back guilty (or only when I've tracked him down). The big heartbreak for me came this past xmas. He took off for 6 days, missing christmas with the kids and I was 8months pregnant with our third child. He spent the mortgage money and then some. If it hadn't been for the fact that I was pregnant, I would have very easily taken the kids and gone. When I tracked him down, he promised to go to counselling, which he did do. However, the counsellor wasn't very helpful stating that he had just fallen off the wagon and needed to get back on. And to find out what causes him to want the drug and find ways to avoid the situations and create a plan to do so. He found it a waste of time. We were suppose to go to marriage counselling but with work, a new baby, etc the counselling took the back burner. I'll admit that I let it slide, just as he did.
Since this past xmas he has continued to use crack now and then (doesn't for a few months then does it again) and last month he took off again for a day. He admitted himself into the hospital and they discharged him sending him back to the same counsellor, who told him the same thing. There aren't many resources in our community in BC Canada, and for the most part if you aren't high as a kite you can't get help.
To me falling off the wagon is something people do once in a blue moon, they get back on and they fight to stay on for several years before maybe having another relapse. For my husband I don't know if he is just a casual user or if its as simple as him just getting back on a finding a way to stay on. Regardless, our marriage has taken a beating. He is not physically abusive in any way, but I feel as though I am being emotionally abused when he takes off and I am left to wonder where he is and how much money he has spent. And as I am the one who deals with the finances he expects me to pick up the pieces by revamping our monthly budget. However, I have made him do this the last two occassions, because I felt that I was just enabling him. It also takes a toll on our kids, the oldest in particular who is starting to pay more attention to what is going on.
I swore up and down that if he ever did it again that I would leave him, and yet here I am still in this marriage. I do want to save our marriage, but I sometimes think its more effort than it should be. For me, I know I am married to an crack addict and I know that there is a real possibility of him falling off the wagon. So I have to stay in a marriage where I know this may happen; and thats my choice and a choice that anyone makes living with an addict. I could support that chance if it happened once a in long blue moon, but not like this. Now the stress is starting at work again, and this seems to set him off. I am counting on him doing it again, and if thats the case I think I should leave. I've already informed him of a plan for me to leave with the kids should he do it again, and he is very concerned about this (frequently cries about losing us and appears to want this stuff out of his life).
The one thing that bothers me the most is he is often with other women when he does this drug. He swears up and down that he has never cheated on me and that the drug actually kills his sex drive. However, any information I have read says quite the opposite. I just don't trust him anymore, and half the time I wonder if I am in love him. I know that we need some counselling to work this out if for the marriage to work.
However, can a marriage survive this? I'm incredibly depressed and constantly worried about all of us and I am just not sure what the next step is.
I read your post and have to say first of all you sound like a wonderful persn filled with a lot of love for your family. It is a nice thing to know you have stuck around to care for your children, be a good wife and also take care of your father. Your husband is lucky.
This site is a wonderful place to vent, and get emotional help and advice. I hope that your husband can get the right type of help first thing is for sure, charges start with in himself. If he wants it he will get clean.
Your husband has an addiction and has in the passed as well and that is the thing he contintued to used some sort of drug granted pot is just pot it is still a drug. My sympathy is with you in all asspects.
Can you find the stregnth to go through this with him is the question? It will take a lot out of you but I would suggest you taking some sort of control of the situation. Handing over his paychecks to you would be a start. You have to handle the financial matters after the damage is done so if you can get him to agree it is not right so put a foot down. Tell him how you feel in a calm manner be there to support him in making a plan for recovery. It doesn't always take medical centers, rehab, councelors to get cleaned up but it adds to the support, and knowledge is power as they say.
If he likes reading maybe find him a book on recovery and hang in there no matter what life throws at you because stress as I found only causes your health to go bad.
I hate to say this but have you ever turned the tables around on him so that he feels like you do when there is a no call no show. That feeling is not nice so I am sure he wouldn't like it either. Play fair or go home.
Take care of you and your children that is top priority,
Steve
Thank you for your response. We did actually set it up where his paychecks go into our joint account directly and he leaves his debit card at home. I have asked him what he would feel like if I took off for a few days with no word, but I have not done this. I am not sure I could, more so because of the kids. I told him that when he took off during my pregnancy the stress of that could have sent me into early labour. He poo=poo's a lot of more "what if's". But the last time he took off for a day and came back, our son was quite sick and had to be admitted into the hospital. If had taken off any longer than one day, he would not be around. This really opened his eyes, and he still gets emotional thinking about it. However, I am not sure if its enough to keep him away. He says it is, but at this point a lot of what he says is empty. He has made promises before and broken them, so the trust is not there anymore. I can't believe what he says, and I am not sure if I can be in a marriage where I don't trust my spouse. He is completely aware of my feelings, I have not hidden anything from him. He doesn't know what he can do to change that, other than time.
I am aware he is an addict and that with any addict there is always a real possibility of a relapse. I can definitely support him through that. However, this 3-4 month cycle is too much for me.
I think we need to figure out a way to gain the trust back. A lot of my friends and family think I am crazy to allow him to do this to me and our family. And I do understand why they think that, because I would never allow someone to physically abuse me, but here I am letting someone emotionally abuse me. I think that with his support, our marriage really should get some help too.
I think that sounds like a great plan marriage therapy could be very benifitial and helpful. I would also suggest learning more if you haven't already about the drug as I said befor knowledge is power.
Knowing what effects the drugs have on him could help in understanding why he takes off and seems like he doesn't care. I know when I was using I did some pretty selfish, rotten stuff and I hurt alot of people. Believe me it is a tough road to quit but when I decided enough was enough it worked. The drug causes some terrible cravings and in the begining it is tough to quit. I was using daily but the point is the fear of losing control of what he is doing now and how much he may increase using in the future.
There is no excuse for him to not work on quitting because in the end his useage could increase and thats when stuff really hits the fan. It is dangerous and the best thing I could tell you is to keep learning, and prepare yourself, if he is serious about quitting there maybe some slip ups along the way but as long as he is making efforts to correct his behaviors and the fact that you are standing by with him there is hope.
When young children are involved I get a little upset. The way I see it, is that is reason enough to quit and as parents we must try to set the exapmple of how to live.
If he isn't doing anything to work on correcting the relationship, working on his addiction well then that is really going to make him lose out or you continue to lose trust, feel depressed and so forth so I hope he will turn it around.
I hope things get better and progress will be made. It all takes time but hope you keep coming here. You will find and meet many new people and gain support and can be open with this hardship (cocaine) that has created problems for you and your family.
Sorry Lynn I am not sure what you want clarification on. I mean I could write a huge history here, but I thought my original post was long enough. I just tried to give a quick overview.
I have looked at all the information I can about the drug itself and how as a family member its easy to enable that person. Obviously, I don't know this drug first hand because I have never personally used it.
I can't really give you more information unless you clearly state what you want clarification on.
All I know is. He used to be a heavy user of the drug before we got into a relationship (beyond friendship). With the shock of his parents dying he went on a complete binge and he had some weird dreams/hallucinations, and decided to move to another town where he cleaned up. It wasn't till about 2 yrs ago when he met a group of people at a new job where he started to drink and smoke pot regularly (nightly) and then got back into Crack. He claims (I am not sure whether to believe it or not) that the only time he gets a craving is when he is extremely stressed and someone pulls out a pipe. Once the pipe comes out he says all reasoning leaves him and thats when he slips. From what I have noticed in the last 2 yrs, he goes through this pattern of being drug free, and then starts smoking pot which seems to lead into smoking crack. So thats what I mean by it goes in these three-four month cycles of him not using, to using. The last time he binged was Dec 2006, where he took off for several days. He has used since this time, but he smokes what they have, looks for more and if they can find some (which most of the time they can) the smoke that. The last two times he has smoked this stuff he has only done what they have. The last time he smoked crack was Oct 1st.
The counsellor has said (and I have been there) that he has fallen off the wagon and needs to get back on, and because he is not a constant user it is apparent to him that he is having periodic relapses. This is what confuses me, I mean how can someone use every few months and be considered as merely "falling off the wagon"? The only advice he was given was to join a support group and to find a way (such as excercise or a hobby) to deal with stress and avoid situations where crack may be offered.
This is all what he tells me and like I said, I don't know what is true and what is not. He works two jobs and has about 10 minutes between both jobs. He comes home right away now, and he isn't stoned.
He is not physically abusive and our home front is overall not a negative place to be. When he comes home from using crack, he is incredibly fatigued and out of it. He is jittery and gets irritated quickly. I have only ever seen him when he is coming down from the high.
He is not someone who opens up and spills his beans; so I know there is more to the story. However, I can only tell you what I know.
If you want to ask me specific questions I will be glad to answer them.
BTW, I have two other people in my life who use cocaine irregularly (usually when its offered at a party). So I am not sure what you mean by its impossible to only use every 3-4 months. Are you saying they aren't an addict just an occassional user? Is this what the counsellor means? Or are you saying he is lying and using without me knowing?
I know I need more education to understand this better, thats why I chose this forum.
I too am new to this site and I was a little hurt by Lynn's response. This site is a godsend for women like myself and Mac2 because we're not always comfortable discussing this with even our closest friends for fear of being made to feel stupid or being pushed into making a move before we are truly ready. Sometimes a person needs to talk the situation out anonymously in order to work it out. Please, all you crack savvy posters, have patience with us, we're getting there, that's why we're here.
I too am new to this site and I was a little hurt by Lynn's response. This site is a godsend for women like myself and Mac2 because we're not always comfortable discussing this with even our closest friends for fear of being made to feel stupid or being pushed into making a move before we are truly ready. Sometimes a person needs to talk the situation out anonymously in order to work it out. Please, all you crack savvy posters, have patience with us, we're getting there, that's why we're here.
You were a little hurt by my response...really, how so?
If you are not comfortable,
discussing what's going on at home,
even with your closest friends...
it's not out of fear, you'll be made to feel stupid,
it's out of embarrassment, because you know you're stupid.
No one can make us do anything we don't want to do,
even when others *push us* to do what they feel we should do.
Not confiding in those closest to you,
has nothing to do with...
not wanting to be *pushed* into,
making a move you are not ready to make.
It has everything to do with...
not wanting to hear what you already know.
By saying....
Sometimes a person needs to
talk the situation out anonymously
in order to work it out.
doesn't account for the majority of people that come here,
whom, in my opinion and the way I see it,
most of the time are and were simply looking for,
a place to air their dirty laundry anonymously,
just to get it off their f-cking chest already.
If someone can not deal with,
digesting harsh or critical comments/opinions,
or fear the possibility of having it served to them...
then, in my opinion,
they do not really want,
help, support, advice or solutions,
because they don't want to hear the truth.
You're here because you're already *there*.
And you've gotten *there* being patient with an addict.
For your sake, and others like you,
I will not, even if I wanted to,
become a more patient, crack savvy poster...
you and those like you, can't afford me to.
Hopefully, you'll put aside any fear or dread,
towards my possible response or from other posters,
and discuss what's going on in your life with an addicted SO,
instead of focusing on what I posted to someone else.
I haven't sugar coated addiction or stupidity thus far,
and I'm definitely not about to start doing so now for you.
If I wanted to be in La la land, I'd smoke a joint.
If you want to stay in La la land, be my guest.
Peace
Lynn
_________________ If you can not stand for something, you will fall for everything
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Posted:Nov 29, 2007 - 08:32 PM
